by Shelly on Mar 10th 2010 2 comments
The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.
This game can be modified for ages 1-7. For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket. Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again. The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.
As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.
So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored. You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?” You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child. “Great! Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?” When they’ve brought it, “Thanks! Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book? The one about the white mitten?” Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 3rd 2010 3 comments
Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today. I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time. Sound familiar? Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.
So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys? I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here. We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed. So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate. Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.
But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists. You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on. And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.
What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting? And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it? I think empathy is a key here. When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked. I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.
It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like. But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening. When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly. And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Feb 22nd 2010 No comments yet
First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:
8 Steps to Connected Parenting
For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101. You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: http://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/
Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.
To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious
Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you. When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.
One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”. “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.
Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body. Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right. This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.
After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?” This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.
Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Feb 17th 2010 2 comments
“Nobody’s perfect”, right? Well, I’m not so sure. I think there’s actually a kind of perfection in imperfection. I tend toward the idea that there’s some sort of plan, or fate, or something that drives us all to be exactly who and how we are. Some people call this force God, or the Universe, or even coincidence, but whatever you call it, I find it much more empowering to believe that there’s a purpose to my life and a larger force at work.
When I can rest in the perfection of my imperfection it’s much easier to reflect on the things I’ve done that I wish I’d done differently and I can somehow recognize that without making that “mistake” I might never have learned the important lesson in front of me.
The same goes for parenting. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “perfect parent” (as if such a thing ever existed), but the funny thing is that the more we try to mold ourselves into our ideas of what the perfect parent should be like, the less we can relax and be our authentic selves. And really, don’t we most want to teach our kids to love themselves, be comfortable in their own skin, and know that their best is good enough?! If so, then we’ve got to learn to be easier on ourselves, to celebrate our triumphs and admit to our mistakes without beating ourselves up. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Feb 11th 2010 4 comments
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.”
~ Marie Beyon Ray
We have two pieces of big news: One, Jill is vacating. Two, Shelly has a new tenant, of sorts, and will carry this blog forward. Here’s more, in our own words:
From Jill:
In 2005, Shelly Birger and I had a baby: The Conscious Parenting Alliance. Her move up north, toward love and the family she’s always wanted, inspired us to create Bay Area classes, and then, to keep the flow of our ideas into the world, this blog, Awake Parent Perspectives, and our CD, Perspectives on Feelings. Colin Chung came in just over a year ago and gave a big boost to our marketing efforts. (Thank you, Colin!)
A divorce (mine), a marriage (Shelly’s), several classes and dozens of articles later, I’ve discovered it’s time for me to move on. Creative work, some of it related to this work, calls me. So do the demands of post-divorce parenthood, as well as care for myself, as I finally give up the big house in the Berkeley Hills I’ve lived in for ten years and find something smaller, more affordable, and more sustainable for the work of this phase of my life.
So I’m paring down. In saying goodbye to you, I realize all I have really offered all this time are the musings of one imperfect parent. If anything, I’d like to thank you for giving me a reason to share my thoughts, and an appreciative audience. I think publishing my parenting hopes and dreams has given me the courage, the confidence and the accountability to actually put some of them into practice from time to time. Lately, it seems that more often than not I want my own parenting coach, on demand, to help me through the hard moments. I think my biggest lesson has been to find sources of strength and peace within myself.
What’s next for me? Selling my screenplay (know any producers?). Doing more Witnessed Mediation (check out Witnessed Mediation on YouTube). And coming soon in the Bay Area, a local class on Cultivating Compassionate Presence, which includes parents. Email me directly at jillcnagle at gmail dot com to be notified.
I’ll never forget about this community, or about supporting parents in general. I’ll never forget how much love and care we all need, and how we’re doing the most important work of the world. Your love has made a difference in my life and I hope mine has made a difference in yours.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Feb 3rd 2010 6 comments
Learning doesn’t just happen at school. You can stimulate your child’s mind at home with these simple activities:
Sometimes when kids seem to need a lot of extra attention, are bugging you constantly to watch TV and movies, or are generally in your face 24/7, they might actually be asking for more intellectual stimulation. When kids get bored, they turn to you for help, but they might not know exactly what they’re wanting.
If you think this might be what’s happening in your household, I’ll give you some ideas and examples of simple things you can do to stimulate your child’s mind, support more independence, and encourage self-directed activities.
First, consider your child’s favorite things. Does she love dinosaurs, dolls, horses, or art? Does he enjoy cooking or playing in the sandbox? These preferences can inform which kinds of activities your child will enjoy right now. Let’s say she’s into dinosaurs. She loves to play with her dinosaurs and sometimes corrects you when you call them by the wrong name.
So, how can you create an engaging, self-directed activity that will build on your child’s knowledge and encourage her to learn even more about dinosaurs? Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Jan 27th 2010 3 comments
One of my biggest challenges as a parent is trying to find ways not to take it personally when my child blames me for his unhappiness. Sometimes, it’s easier than others. For example, when I hear, “You’re so mean!”, it’s easy for me me to remember that this is all part of the parenting mix. It’s harder when he does things like vigorously reject my home-cooked food.
I don’t know whether “You’re so mean” rolls off my back because I’ve heard it so many times lately (whenever my son doesn’t get what he wants), and thus am getting used to it but somehow, I’ve been able lately to keep a calm heart in the face of “You’re so mean”, and offer up empathy guesses into feelings and needs:
“Ah–are you saying you’re angry because you’re not getting what you want?”
“Yeeahhhh.”
Whew. That I can hang with! And it also helps take the edge off his upset. In fact, whenever I can remember to tune in deeply to my son, and help him feel heard and understood, his anger dissipates, and least a bit.
I think if I could remember each and every time I hear something personal, to tune into the feelings and needs underneath, I’d probably be a lot more peaceful.
As it is, what comes up for me sometimes is, well, taking it personally. And then fighting accordingly. This is especially easy to do when I get called a name. For a period of weeks, when my son was unhappy, he’d shout, “Stink!”, which I think was meant to be a noun, as in, You are a “stink,” an unpleasantly-scented thing…like a piece of poop for example.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jan 20th 2010 No comments yet
I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.
Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.
When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding. “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”
When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want. But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.
Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so. Remember how you responded. Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions? Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future. Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?
Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique: Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Jan 4th 2010 No comments yet
we are blooming...so beautifully...by Glenn E Wilson
Happy Gregorian New Year! Whatever calendar we may observe as part of our many traditions, the popularity and ubiquity of the Gregorian New Year offers us a time to reflect, regroup and realign with what we want most.
This past October, as part of my year-long program studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) mediation, I went on one of three retreats. I got to deepen my NVC skills, learn new ways of approaching mediation, and make many wonderful connections with other mediators.
One powerful demonstration stood out in my mind. John Kinyon, one of my mentors, stood with one foot in front of the other. He said he was about to recall something he was upset or angry about, and to think of it in “jackal” or judgmental terms, such as “that person’s a jerk,” (or bad, or wrong or similar). He did so, and asked a volunteer to attempt to push him off balance. John got knocked over quite easily.
Then, he stopped and asked himself what he was needing. For example, peace, support, or respect. He allowed himself to “drop down into,” or really feel the awareness of that need, beneath the judgment. The volunteer attempted once again to knock John off balance and was not able to do so. We got together into pairs and tried the exercise–it worked! When I dropped down into my need beneath my judgment, I felt calm, solid, and grounded, and in fact was not pushed over.
What does any of this have to do with the Gregorian New Year?
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Dec 23rd 2009 1 comment
Happy holidays everybody! I hope you’re having a lovely time together as a family and I know that when we get extra time together with our immediate families and especially when we spend time with extended family, tensions can run high. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
Almost inevitably when we celebrate with our families, there’s someone whose beliefs are different from our own, or there’s a sibling or parent who treats us in just the same way they treated us when we were five or who treats our children in ways we don’t enjoy. The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration, and a time that warrants a lot of introspection, conflict resolution skills, and mediation between family members.
Although we all might intend to have a nice Christmas dinner or a beautiful Solstice celebration or (insert your holiday here), there are times when feelings get hurt, alcohol helps remove inhibitions, and we can suddenly find ourselves or other family members in the midst of conflict. So what can we do when our lovely celebration is about to deteriorate into chaos? Read the rest of this entry »
=