by Jill on Jul 2nd 2009 2 comments
- Shelly, the beautiful bride, and Kevin, her handsome husband!
We’re taking a break from our regularly schedule series of blogs to say…congratulations to Shelly, my co-leader of AwakeParent, and her new husband, Kevin! I was honored to attend their wedding this past weekend in Bend, Oregon, a more beautiful city than I could have imagined, nestled unobtrusively in mountains and hills and volcanoes, rivers and lakes and forests.
The wedding was beautiful, simple, and filled with loving family and friends, just the way such a celebration should be.
Shelly’s off honeymooning now, but will be back mid-July for her regular blogging stint.
And shortly after that…watch for a birth announcement!
No, not that kind–not yet, anyway. We’re launching our first CD in just a few weeks. We can’t wait!
Big juicy love, aware moments, and copious peace to you all,
Jill
Loving up the blushing bride…
by Shelly on Jun 24th 2009 1 comment
Working in a Montessori Preschool classroom wasn’t easy, but I love kids and I found a way to enjoy myself in the midst of 25 3-5 year olds. One of the most useful tools I had was the power of my attention. I noticed everything–and the kids respected me for it. And, I didn’t just offer up copious praise at the drop of a hat either. When I gave appreciation for something, the kids knew I really meant it.
I required levels of cooperation, consideration, and polite manners in the classroom out of necessity. If I let things go too far in a certain direction, I could have a room full of upset kids and no way to console them all. I was there to help the kids maintain order, and have a constructive day of fun and learning.
As a teacher, a lot of my job was to be a leader, an example, and a director for the kids in my charge. Directing can seem forced or authoritarian, if you feel anxious about it, but I’ve found that when I’m calm, centered, and clear about my direction, children often seem relieved and excited to contribute in the ways I’ve suggested. Structure can actually provide freedom, knowing someone else is providing direction and containment.
When it’s time to clean up I feel open and unconcerned as I let the kids know that there are several things that I’d like to see happen in the next hour: First, I’d like all the tables to be scrubbed, then I’d like the floor to be swept, and finally I’d like every child to look around the room for three things that are out of place and replace them to their “homes.” I ask for volunteers, get them easily and the children quietly go to work. Now I observe the children, and without interrupting their fun, insert helpful comments or warnings about possible spills or dangers. But I trust them to complete the tasks easily and independently.
Now, suppose a child is resisting, and I REALLY want this specific child to help. My most successful strategy is to clearly explain what I’d like to have happen, make a clear request and then put my attention on something else–that way the child doesn’t feel pressured, but is able to go about starting the task, without being stared down (sometimes your attention can be overwhelming for kids!). Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Jun 10th 2009 5 comments
Shelly and I spend a lot of time talking about how to do this and how to do that. We get feedback that this is helpful.
But lately, I’m getting curious about all the ways I and other parents do things completely off script, out of bounds and with little or no precedent. Outside the box, if you will.
I realize that when enough people do things “differently,” we create new norms and new trends—hence, the phrase “conscious parenting:” let’s choose what we want to create instead of just rehashing what our parents did just because it’s all we know. (We might still choose to do all or most things the same way, but choosing is different than repeating on auto-pilot!)
So, when my partner and I decided to separate, we did things very differently than most other folks I’ve met. In some ways, this came naturally, since we had a marriage that was pretty different, at least in some ways, from most. But that’s another story.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jun 3rd 2009 2 comments
It’s amazing what a little appreciation, acknowledgment and gratitude can do. You can go from feeling hum-drum or bummed to feeling completely ecstatic in a few short moments if you only take the time to practice gratitude. Gratitude is like this magic potion that reminds us of all we have to appreciate in life–and there is a LOT to appreciate.
I have some friends who share gratitude with one another every time they sit down to share a meal together. Others use gratitude as a way to connect at the beginning of their monthly family meeting. I even know some parents and kids who say what they’re grateful for each night before bed.
I’ve found that when I feel appreciated and acknowledged, I am more willing to contribute, I feel more engaged in my relationships, and I’m just generally happier. So, do kids feel any different? I don’t think so. I think we all respond well to being appreciated and acknowledged. But it depends on how. For instance, compliments like, “You have pretty hair.” usually don’t impact me in the same way that true acknowledgment does.
Here’s the difference: A compliment is really just a positive judgment which might feel good at the time, but then it also leaves room for negative judgments which we can feel afraid of. An acknowledgment is different. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on May 28th 2009 2 comments
This post is part of our Whole Life Parenting series.
No friends like old friends.
I was talking with a friend the other day, who marveled at how her whole friendship landscape had changed after having kids. She said, “I have three kinds of friends now: Those who no longer call me, those who treat me exactly the same as before I had kids, and those who now have kids of their own, so they get it.”
Sure, we might find the rare childless friend who actually gets how much support parents need and how little we get, who says, Hey, I was just going to read a good book tonight, why don’t I come over and babysit so you can have a night out? Or, the kid-at-heart who calls and spontaneously suggests you and your family hop on out for a jaunt to the zoo or seaquarium.
But mostly, after we become parents, our old friends keep going on about their business, and we either follow along, or drop out of their consciousness.
How do we keep those friendships alive, and nurture the parts of us old friends remember and reflect back to us? No matter how much we love our families, no one will ever elicit quite the giggles and nostalgia that a friend from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago will.
Here’re some ways to keep breathing life into those precious relationships:
1) Tell your childless friends about the reality of your life. Suggest things to do that you love in ways that now make sense for you.
“I would love to go on that four-day, seven hundred dollar spa retreat two states away, but I can’t afford the money or the time away from my family. How about a pedicure Sunday morning?” Some of my friends have responded by turning their own events into child-friendly ones and inviting other families with children. This makes it so much easier!
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on May 20th 2009 1 comment
In the Montessori classroom we have a LOT going on. Twenty-four kids are doing individual and group activities, the head teacher is demonstrating activities, and the assistant teacher is available to help kids when they need a hand.
So, when it comes to serving snack, the more the kids can help themselves, the better. This is true at home too. I mean, how many times have you been happily folding a load of laundry when your three year old whines, “Mommy, I’m huuuunnggrryyy.”
Here’s the solution! If you put out the necessary ingredients for a healthy snack on a child-sized table at say 9am every morning (or at 3pm if your kids are more hungry in the afternoon) your children can serve themselves whenever they’re hungry. This promotes independence while ensuring that your kids are eating a nutritious snack AND you don’t have to get up from your own work to serve them. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on May 14th 2009 3 comments
I used to despise spending time in the kitchen. I didn’t like doing dishes, I didn’t know how to cook, and I preferred microwave meals to home cooked ones. Wow! Have things changed. Now I buy lots of fresh organic produce, free-range meats and eggs, and I enjoy coming up with new interesting creations and cooking traditional foods. And for some reason I want to put cumin on everything.
Thinking back, I can identify a couple of things that produced the shift for me. First, I read “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. There’s a passage where he talks about enjoying the present moment even in the mundane activities of life like washing dishes. I immediately began to ENJOY doing dishes! I luxuriated in the warm soapy water and felt a deeper sense of accomplishment than I ever could have anticipated from the simple act of doing dishes.
And then I moved in with my husband to be (we’re getting married in 6 weeks!). As soon as I moved in with him I noticed a strong desire to learn to cook welling up in me. I wanted to feed us delicious, nutritious foods.
So, I began to learn the art of cooking. It feels a little funny to be writing about cooking since I’m still so new at it, Jill is the real chef of the two of us. But what I do bring to the table is the ability to modify cooking activities into interesting and age-appropriate activities for kids of all ages.
Think of your child as the apprentice chef in your kitchen. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on May 7th 2009 2 comments
This article is the fifth in our Whole Life Parenting series, which offers practical tips to meet the needs of both parents and children.
Not too long ago, I went to the party of some friends. Small children buzzed, hooted, rolled, walked, cried and ran around throughout the whole party. The host said, It’s amazing how the parties have changed over the years as this group of friends has had children. We’ve just opened up into a kid-friendly space.
This, I think, is the key to having a great time at party when you have kids around—think of it as a kid-friendly space where you also get to have some grownup time—more mindful grownup time, perhaps than before you had kids, but grownup time nonetheless.
Here are eight ideas for creating parties that meet both young people’s needs and adult needs:
1. Cluster ages, mix genders. Try to invite clusters of kids close to the same age, and a mix of boys and girls. An odd child out can wind up getting left out of the social activity, or not treated as warmly as the others. Kids close to the same age will organize themselves into self-directed play. Mixed ages can also work well when older kids help supervise the younger kids, and younger kids get to look up to the older kids as role models.
Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Apr 29th 2009 2 comments
I guess I just like watching things grow. There’s something about planting a seed, watching it grow, bloom and produce fruit that gives me a sense of comfort. I enjoy watching the progression from cotyledon to true sets of leaves, then pollination, and fruit. I like tending my plants daily, making sure they’re well watered. I even like watching the leaves wither and the seeds fall to the ground. It’s the cycle of life, the ever-turning wheel of almost constant change.
I like to nurture things (and I’m guessing you do too!) And I’ve found there are quite a few children who, if allowed, can become devoted to growing a bean plant (which will sprout in a wet paper-towel for goodness sake) or daisies, or pumpkins, or all three and more.
By fostering their interest in gardening you can enjoy time together tending the vegetables. This can meet your needs for peace, nurturing, and beauty while it meets your child’s needs for learning, discovery, and understanding where food comes from. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Apr 22nd 2009 6 comments
Have you been lamenting your lack of exercise? Thinking back on the days when you used to get to go to the gym, or run around your neighborhood or swim laps at the pool? Kid time is sometimes almost all our time—and the kind of “running around” we do with them doesn’t always feed our body’s need for vigorous (or gentle) and sustained exercise.
Here are some of the ways I’ve found to bring exercise back in, with activities that you and your kids both enjoy, and that give you the added benefit of that exercise you’ve been craving to round out your life, keep you physically fit, and elevate your mood. You can adapt these suggestions to your mobility level.
1. Go for a long walk outdoors. People who walk in nature report that they feel happier after a walk in the woods than they did when they started. Find a trail where you can both walk, or where you can walk and push a stroller, or where your child can run, or scoot on a scooter (a great way for them to develop coordination). A brisk walk can revitalize your and your child’s circulatory system, and a controlled dose of sunshine will do you both some good. If it’s cold, bundle up. If it’s raining, throw on ponchos.
2. Play chase. Pretend you can’t catch your child, so they can feel powerful. Then run away from them and let them “catch” you. Before you do, you might be able to run several laps around them. Depending on how long their energy lasts, you might be able to get in a good aerobic workout.
3. Go for an actual dedicated run with your child around a local track. If you have an infant or very young child, you might be able to run pushing a stroller. Or, if your older child runs slower, you can run circles around them, and make a game out of it. In this case, your goal will be to keep up your own pace. You can talk with them beforehand about your goals, for example, “I want to run for twenty minutes. You can run with me, let me run around you, follow on your scooter, or stay on the side where I can see you and play with your toys and books.” Did I mention it helps to bring toys and books almost anywhere? Read the rest of this entry »
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