by Kheyala on Sep 1st 2010 No comments yet
This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:
“Who, me?”
Right. Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing? Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what? It comes out anyway. And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment. It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.
Thankfully, there is another way. It’s called compassion. For them? No, not yet. For us. You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids. What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business. What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material: the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.
Herein again lies the beauty of our children. In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way. We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us. Thereby we heal both generations at once.
It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid. It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.
I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat. This is exactly what is required of the awake parent. “I am Awake! I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!” And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children. It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions. Read the rest of this entry »
by Kendra on Aug 25th 2010 No comments yet
This week’s guest blog is by Kendra:
My 14-month old son, Trent, has recently developed a new scream so incredibly grating that it defies description. It’s times like these that I am glad I have a mindfulness practice.
When I was in my early 20’s I lived in a Zen monastery for several years. Back then, mindfulness meant hours & hours of seated meditation and spending most of my time in silence & contemplation. Mindfulness meant bowing silently to my fellow monks instead of mindlessly asking, “hey, how you doing?” & raking the courtyard with such precision that every rake mark was parallel.
Once I left the monastery & moved to San Francisco, I meditated occasionally, I did some yoga, I tried to be mindful…but LIFE was always getting in the way: there was a business to build, parties to go to, friends to meet, and email to respond to. Who had the time to sit down and do nothing for an hour?!?!?
My son started re-teaching me mindfulness before he was even born: I had to take the time to make healthy meals, I had to remember to drink water, I had to take daily walks, and I had to get 8 hours of sleep every night – if I didn’t take care of myself, he let me know by way of nausea, headaches, full-body aches, and complete & utter exhaustion, this was not OK. He was teaching me to slow down, to listen, to silently bow to my experience instead of always being off to the next thing.
One of my yoga teachers has a saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” And she’s not talking about money. Trent was teaching the value of paying upfront; the beauty of living life in the moment (and not having to worry when my credit would catch up to me).
For parents, the question remains: who has the time to sit still & do nothing for an hour?!?!?
And, so, my son is my mindfulness practice. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Aug 18th 2010 15 comments
This week’s guest blog is from Jill:
I’m happy to be back at AwakeParent.com as a guest blogger today. I wanted to share with you some thoughts on dealing with other adults in your life who interact with your children. As parents striving for greater consciousness, I have found it can sometimes be painful when other adults interact with our precious children in ways that don’t support the experience we’re trying so hard to create.
At times, I have both asked and been asked by other adults to treat a child differently. This hasn’t gone very well! The time I was asked not to interact with a child in the way I wanted to I felt a sense of shame, even though intellectually I agreed with the parent’s boundary. What happened? I touched a child’s hair without permission. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps, but really, how would I feel if someone I didn’t know reach out and started fondling my tresses, rather than ask? I could see in the parent’s eyes that that was exactly what he was tuned into. I got it; still, I felt small.
I have also not found a way to make such a request of another adult that feels both compassionate and authentic. When I have made such requests, it’s also felt alienating, rather than connecting. It seems no one likes to hear, “Please don’t do that to my child.”
Here’s what I think is going on, and what we can do about it. One, I think a vulnerable part of us comes forth when we connect with a child. I want to treat this part of myself and others with gentleness and compassion, so I want to honor all good faith attempts to connect with children. Two, if I intervene on his behalf, I do my own child a bit of a disservice. I exercise my autonomy instead of allowing him to exercise his. At the same time, I want to intervene if it looks like my child would rather not be experiencing what’s happening.
So, if my son looks uncomfortable though not in danger (or being tickled), or like he’s just tolerating something an adult is doing, I ask him, within the other person’s earshot, and with a lighthearted attitude, “Is that okay with you?” Often he says “no,” and almost always the adult apologizes to him, and does not seem offended. This way, I’m also training my son to check in with himself, and ask “Is this OK with me?”
I think most adults genuinely want to connect with children in mutually consensual ways, but we feel awkward because we so seldom see this kind of behavior modeled for us. I still feel slightly embarrassed sometimes when I do manage to treat my child with complete respect, because it’s not what I’ve seen modeled. However, occasionally someone will say they were touched or moved by how I interacted with my son. Maybe we can all help to awaken in each other our deep yearning for all beings, large and small, to be treated with complete respect.
Back in real life, our beloved friends and relatives may not follow our lead as quickly as we would like—or at all, for that matter—people generally default to what they’re familiar with. However, what I’ve noticed is that the more we can respect and embrace the adults’ loving intentions at the same time as we model respect for our children (by lightheartedly asking the child if what’s happening is OK with them), the less likely we will be to trigger shame in the other adult, and to feel triggered ourselves. I want to remind myself and others that we adults are always doing the best we can with the young people in their lives. I want us all to try to support each other where we are, even as we hold out possibilities for where we might be.
I’d love to know your thoughts on this.
Warmly,
Jill
Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation
by colin on Aug 12th 2010 4 comments
Hello Awake Parent Readers,
Just wanted to let you know…
Baby Julia was born on August 2, 2010 at around 3 PM coming in at 7 lb 13 oz. Both mom and baby are doing well. Pictures to come….
Jill and I sent out a message last week asking for your warm pre-congratulations. Thank you to everyone that responded. We’ve posted your warm and gracious letters below.
Sincerely,
Jill & Colin
P.S. Please feel free to add to the love by expressing yourself in the comments box below.
P.P.S. If you ever wondered what Shelly looked like as a baby… her mom pulled out a baby pic of her. 
It’s the second to last letter we got below.
by Mindy on Aug 11th 2010 1 comment
This week’s guest blog is by Mindy:
After I had my first baby my neighbor told me that I can no longer call it “going on vacation” if kids are involved, and that she refers to it as traveling or taking a trip. It took me a couple years and many attempts at vacationing with kids to fully grasp what she meant.
A vacation implies a break, and traveling with young kids, especially more than one, is anything but that. In fact, in nearly every way it is more difficult, more work, and more exhausting than staying home . Labeling the trip as a vacation is really just setting yourself up for disappointment as it seems even more painful to be up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or time-zone-wacked toddler when you’re paying $200 a night for the “experience” in lodging alone.
Here are some things that have helped add a little vacation to our trips:
Travel with extended family
Of course, this only works if you have family you like enough to be around AND they are good with your kids. But if you really think about it, you probably have at least someone who qualifies. Maybe a niece who likes kids and would love a free place to stay by the beach?
BK (before kids) I never would have considered bringing my mother along for a beach vacation with my husband as it would completely cramp the intimacy and probably drive me crazy, but now she’s the only hope we have of intimacy and I’m making it an annual thing!
If you’re inviting relatives, it’s best to be clear about everyone’s expectations up front (before booking the trip) including the financial side. If you are want help with the kids you need to make a clear request, such as “My husband and I can really use some alone time to reconnect, would you be willing to you watch the kids for two afternoons and one evening while we go out?”
Other Help
If you really can’t fathom the idea of vacationing with ANYONE you have a blood relationship with, seriously consider forking out the money to take along a babysitter or nanny. Some people will be happy to come along and provide a certain number of childcare hours as a trade if you are paying for part or all of their trip, especially if they can bring a friend or significant other. For us, it means we take far less vacations because they are more expensive when we’re paying for additional people, but since it’s so much more of a vacation WITH the help it’s worth it.
The holy grail of help is traveling where there are other kids for your kids to play with, so if there is any way to orchestrate this by traveling with another family (and perhaps bringing and splitting the cost of a nanny) go for it! Read the rest of this entry »
by Kheyala on Aug 4th 2010 1 comment
This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:
I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash. For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied. The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house. Or should I say her house!
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh. I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!” That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.
I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!
If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do. Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it. The child will actually relax in that neutrality. After all, it’s tough to run the world!
In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort. All is well. And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jul 28th 2010 4 comments
The New York Times published an article this week about the importance of having a social network http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/28/a-new-risk-factor-your-social-life/ Apparently, the study shows that having strong social ties decreases your risk of dying by 50%! Researches concluded that not having a social network can be as dangerous to your health as smoking a pack a day or being an alcoholic.
In the study, strong family ties counted as a social network, but I suspect that the social experiences we get to have with our peers and elders are hugely important. So, if your only family ties are with your partner and kids, take a moment this week to consider how you can expand your social network to include some fun peer connections. According to this study, it really could be a matter of life and death.
In my parenting coaching practice, I often work with moms who tell me they just don’t have time to connect with their friends anymore. They struggle to get in some alone time or a workout here and there or a date with their husband, but they seem to forget that having a conversation with a girlfriend or going to lunch with an old college buddy can be just as important.
I know it’s not easy to connect with friends when your kids are around, but as a nanny, I managed to meet up with a girlfriend who also had a charge a couple of times a week. We would chat at the park while we watched the kids play, or meet up for lunch and have a very disjointed, many times interrupted, conversation while we somehow got ourselves and the kids fed. Or we’d walk to the library together and have a whispered adult conversation during toddler story time. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jul 21st 2010 5 comments
When I was a teenager I was flipping through my baby book and I saw a letter my mom had written to me before I was born. It was sweet and heartfelt and at that moment I knew on a deeper level how very wanted I was and how special I was to my mom even before she met me for the first time. It has always been important to me that I make a conscious choice to become a parent and that I wait until I’m really ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. So here I am, just two weeks away from my “guess date” and I’ve decided to write a letter to my baby to welcome him or her.
I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward. I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before. I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times. So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart. I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share. And I hope you enjoy this special blog. So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.
Dear Baby,
Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you. Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes. I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head. Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.
I can’t wait to be your mama. I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life. I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you. I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you. Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life. Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jul 14th 2010 No comments yet
About a year ago I read an interesting article in a magazine about a rat study that showed that rats that were deprived of sleep died sooner than rats that were deprived of food. Wow, I knew sleep was important, but I had no idea that going without it could actually kill animals faster than going without food would.
Sleep deprivation makes a huge impact on all sorts of brain functions. Recent studies have shown marked negative impacts on mood, cognitive performance and motor function in people who are sleep deprived. One study I read stated that “profound neurocognitive deficits accumulate over time” in people who are deprived of sleep.
If you’re a parent, I know you’ve experienced sleep deprivation on some level. It’s starting for me during the last month of pregnancy. And I know my sleep will be disrupted for many months to come as I breastfeed through the night.
Even when your kids are older, they wake up in the middle of the night vomiting or they wet the bed or they have a nightmare they can’t shake. And although it decreases as your kids get older, you’re likely to have some sleep deprivation when your kids are teenagers too, as you wait up for them or worry about them when they’re out at night.
So the question I propose is, what can we do about it? How can we mitigate some of the effects of sleep deprivation so that we can feel good, keep our wits about us, drive safely, and cook dinner without cutting or burning ourselves?
I have a few ideas. First, take naps. I don’t know about you, but in order to feel good about taking naps I had to work through a lot of beliefs that napping is “lazy” or “unproductive”. Now that I’ve seen the sleep deprivation research, I know that taking naps is neither lazy nor unproductive. And if it keeps me in a good mood and helps me have better motor coordination, I’d say it’s a pretty good solution to missing sleep at night.
So now you’re thinking, “That’s great, but who can find the time?!” Well, I’d say, it’s just like anything else in life, if it’s a high priority, you’ll make the time. And if you’re grumpy with your kids and you’re noticing that you can’t think straight, I think napping could become a high priority pretty quickly. You can nap when your kids nap, or take turns with your partner. Or, you can all nap together as a family. If you have kids who don’t want to nap, set them up with some quiet activities that they can do nearby and get some rest, or call a friend or sitter to come over and hang out with your kids while you nap. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Jul 7th 2010 No comments yet
Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”. We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated. And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions. When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else. But there is! We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!
Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works! But, how does it work? Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other. When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still. On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!
The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street. Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!
Try this the next time you’re feeling down. Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love. Now how do you feel? It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy! You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).
Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad. You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.
So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage? You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way! Read the rest of this entry »
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