November 2009 – Awake Parent

November 30, 2009March 3, 2012

Rewind! A simple trick that really works.

Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

November 18, 2009March 3, 2012

Simple changes at home can help kids feel comfortable and capable

When I worked in Montessori schools I was consistently amazed at how happy, engaged, and capable the kids in my class were. This got me thinking, “If kids can be this self-sufficient and joyful in a classroom, then why not at home too?!” I’ve noticed that young people often feel frustration at living in a an adult-centered world. I can remember feeling irritated about not being able to see over the counter, or out the car window (before the advent of booster seats).

Although young people make up a significant portion of our population, they don’t pay the bills, so they usually aren’t catered to in the way that adults are. Most furniture is not built to accommodate them. There are often no stools provided where needed, especially in public.

Even going to the bathroom in a public restroom and washing one’s hands can be quite difficult for a person with a small body. Doors are large and too heavy; tools are too big for their hands… I think you get the idea.

So if there’s a place where a child can find solace from these frustrations, I hope it will be their home. I would be inspired to live in a world where a child’s home is a place where she can reach the counter top, make herself a snack, and take care of her personal hygiene easily. I’ve found that when young people are given the tools they need to be able to have these freedoms, they are more peaceful and often much more responsible. Trusting young people to care for themselves and giving them the necessary tools to do so, fosters a sense of self-care, self approval and healthy pride.

Consider the daily activities of the child in your home. What does he do and what would make his tasks easy to accomplish without asking for adult intervention? Is there a convenient place for him to hang his coat when he enters his home? (Tip: for very young children, a low hook is the easiest place for a jacket) Can he reach the sink easily for hand washing? Are there art activities, games, puzzles and books that are within easy reach? Does your child have comfortable furniture that fits his body?

Ask your kids what changes they’d like to see in their home environment. And consider what changes would ultimately make things easier for all family members. For instance, if children’s dishes are where they can reach them and they know where the carrot sticks are and that carrots are an acceptable snack, they can simply let you know what they’re doing (or not, depending on your house rules), without needing you to stop what you’re doing and fix them a snack. Also, consider asking older children to help younger children. Requesting the help of your older child (without demanding) can foster teamwork and interdependence between siblings.

Ultimately, your children want to feel capable and supported in their home, and although that might require some rearranging and consideration, it’s not much work to provide possibilities for autonomy and it’s almost no work for you once they know how to care for themselves! So, take a look around your home this week to be sure that everyone in your family has access to:

Water (for drinking and washing)
Food
Clean clothing
Warm clothing
Books/toys/art supplies
Towels and cleaning supplies
Art at eye level
Full-length mirror in bedroom
Things to nurture like a plant or a pet

So, I hope you’ll use this list as a guide, and talk with your child about what sort of changes would make life at home easier, more fun, and more equitable. When we honor children by taking the time and making the effort to accommodate their needs, they feel treasured in ways they can’t even express. But I’m sure you’ll notice the difference! I’d love to hear about how simple changes around the house have made a difference in your kids lives. Please leave us a comment below.

November 11, 2009March 3, 2012

Another look at demands

We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of. And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Continue reading “Another look at demands”

November 4, 2009March 5, 2012

The art of conscious ignoring

Photo by Juliet Cook

I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of conscious ignoring. Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead. By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention. So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out. What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to. My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Continue reading “The art of conscious ignoring”