February 2010 – Awake Parent

February 22, 2010February 22, 2010

Connected Parenting Key: get curious

curiosity First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101. You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: https://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you. When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”. “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body. Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right. This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?” This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective. Continue reading “Connected Parenting Key: get curious”

February 17, 2010March 3, 2012

The perfection of imperfection

“Nobody’s perfect”, right? Well, I’m not so sure. I think there’s actually a kind of perfection in imperfection. I tend toward the idea that there’s some sort of plan, or fate, or something that drives us all to be exactly who and how we are. Some people call this force God, or the Universe, or even coincidence, but whatever you call it, I find it much more empowering to believe that there’s a purpose to my life and a larger force at work.

When I can rest in the perfection of my imperfection it’s much easier to reflect on the things I’ve done that I wish I’d done differently and I can somehow recognize that without making that “mistake” I might never have learned the important lesson in front of me.

The same goes for parenting. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “perfect parent” (as if such a thing ever existed), but the funny thing is that the more we try to mold ourselves into our ideas of what the perfect parent should be like, the less we can relax and be our authentic selves. And really, don’t we most want to teach our kids to love themselves, be comfortable in their own skin, and know that their best is good enough?! If so, then we’ve got to learn to be easier on ourselves, to celebrate our triumphs and admit to our mistakes without beating ourselves up.

Consider the past week or so, is there something you’ve said or done that you regret? And can you see the opportunity for learning and growth that’s available through that experience?

I can remember when I first learned about the negative effects of result-oriented praise and the benefits of effort-based praise. I was so hard on myself! I thought about all the hundreds of times I had said to my preschool students, “Wow what a pretty picture” or “Nice space ship!” when I could have said, “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” or even asked, “What was the most fun part of painting that?” I can remember crying and desperately wishing I could go back in time so that I could have said something different to the kids in my class. I was taking responsibility for damaging those kids and their self-esteem, when in reality, they probably understood on some level that I cared more about them and their effort than I did about the finished product.

The point is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time! Now that I have even more information about what helps kids be motivated and engaged in learning and exploration, I can foster those qualities even more skillfully, but there’s no need to berate myself for the past. In fact, if I hadn’t had those experiences with the kids in my class, who knows if I even would have found the crucial research that inspired me to change the way I talk to kids?

I know it’s even more profoundly difficult to separate your actions as a parent from their potential impact on your child, but please remember that the mere fact that you care enough to examine your behavior, to consider the way you talk to your kids, and the recognition that you DO have an impact on your children are all signs that you’re already an exemplary parent. So, remember to take it easy on yourself this week. Remind yourself that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. And discover the beautiful lessons you can learn from your “imperfect” moments.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

February 11, 2010March 3, 2012

Endings and Beginnings

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.”
~ Marie Beyon Ray

We have two pieces of big news: One, Jill is vacating. Two, Shelly has a new tenant, of sorts, and will carry this blog forward. Here’s more, in our own words:

From Jill:
In 2005, Shelly Birger and I had a baby: The Conscious Parenting Alliance. Her move up north, toward love and the family she’s always wanted, inspired us to create Bay Area classes, and then, to keep the flow of our ideas into the world, this blog, Awake Parent Perspectives, and our CD, Perspectives on Feelings. Colin Chung came in just over a year ago and gave a big boost to our marketing efforts. (Thank you, Colin!)

A divorce (mine), a marriage (Shelly’s), several classes and dozens of articles later, I’ve discovered it’s time for me to move on. Creative work, some of it related to this work, calls me. So do the demands of post-divorce parenthood, as well as care for myself, as I finally give up the big house in the Berkeley Hills I’ve lived in for ten years and find something smaller, more affordable, and more sustainable for the work of this phase of my life.

So I’m paring down. In saying goodbye to you, I realize all I have really offered all this time are the musings of one imperfect parent. If anything, I’d like to thank you for giving me a reason to share my thoughts, and an appreciative audience. I think publishing my parenting hopes and dreams has given me the courage, the confidence and the accountability to actually put some of them into practice from time to time. Lately, it seems that more often than not I want my own parenting coach, on demand, to help me through the hard moments. I think my biggest lesson has been to find sources of strength and peace within myself.

What’s next for me? Selling my screenplay (know any producers?). Doing more Witnessed Mediation (check out Witnessed Mediation on YouTube). And coming soon in the Bay Area, a local class on Cultivating Compassionate Presence, which includes parents. Email me directly at jillcnagle at gmail dot com to be notified.

I’ll never forget about this community, or about supporting parents in general. I’ll never forget how much love and care we all need, and how we’re doing the most important work of the world. Your love has made a difference in my life and I hope mine has made a difference in yours.

On a personal level, Awake Parent has nourished me most through Shelly. I miss Shelly’s and my weekly meetings, and regular exchange of emotional support. I miss working with Shelly and all the parents who came through our classes. I’m also thrilled for the new developments in her life–I’ll let her speak to those herself…

Warmly,

Jill

“Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.”
~ Carrie Fisher

From Shelly:
I’m pregnant!!! I am so excited to be ushering my first child into the world this August and I can’t wait to see how my blog, this website, and all we offer at Awake Parent will develop as I embark on the journey you’re already so well aware of. I still have lots to share from my experiences teaching preschool and working as a nanny to the stuff I learned in college about young people’s brain development, and I am more committed than ever to sharing it all with you.

I’m so grateful that Jill and I began this journey together, I’m not sure I would have forged out on my own. And the teamwork and synergy we’ve experienced has nurtured my creative spirit. I’ve also learned so much from my dear friend Jill about how to really listen and share empathy with others, thank you Jill! Now it’s time for Jill to move on to other projects and I feel ready to continue to provide the weekly blogs you’ve come to expect, more CDs and other materials to help you on your parenting journey, and of course the one-on-one parenting coaching which is such a huge part of my inspiration and purpose.

I hope you’ll all stick around and offer us feedback and suggestions about how Colin and I can make Awake Parent an even better resource for you. And, if you or someone you know is interested in being a guest blogger here, I’m pretty sure I’ll need a couple of those during August and September 🙂 Just send your info to shelly@awakeparent.com and we can chat about what kind of a blog would most serve our parents.

Thanks again for being here. Thank you for sharing your stories, your struggles, your triumphs, and most of all your desire to be the best parent you can be.

Big huge warm hugs,

Shelly

February 3, 2010March 3, 2012

Stimulating young minds

Learning doesn’t just happen at school. You can stimulate your child’s mind at home with these simple activities:

Sometimes when kids seem to need a lot of extra attention, are bugging you constantly to watch TV and movies, or are generally in your face 24/7, they might actually be asking for more intellectual stimulation. When kids get bored, they turn to you for help, but they might not know exactly what they’re wanting.

If you think this might be what’s happening in your household, I’ll give you some ideas and examples of simple things you can do to stimulate your child’s mind, support more independence, and encourage self-directed activities.

First, consider your child’s favorite things. Does she love dinosaurs, dolls, horses, or art? Does he enjoy cooking or playing in the sandbox? These preferences can inform which kinds of activities your child will enjoy right now. Let’s say she’s into dinosaurs. She loves to play with her dinosaurs and sometimes corrects you when you call them by the wrong name.

So, how can you create an engaging, self-directed activity that will build on your child’s knowledge and encourage her to learn even more about dinosaurs?

If you have a book in which dinosaurs are classified into carnivores and herbivores, you can create a fun activity that she can do on her own. If you combine her basket of dinosaurs and the book about carnivores/herbivores, add a green piece of construction paper on which you will write “Herbivores” and a red piece of paper on which you will write, “Carnivores” you have a fun game! Just show her how to set out each piece of paper, choose a dinosaur from the basket, look in the book to check whether this dinosaur is a carnivore or a herbivore, put the dinosaur on the appropriate piece of paper and then choose another dinosaur!

When she has classified all of her dinosaurs she can come get you and you can discuss her reasoning. Be careful not to correct your child’s work at this point. The idea is to encourage self directed activity that is intellectually stimulating and if she thinks she’s going to get a “bad grade” at the end, there’s no motivation to do the activity again. However, if you sit with her and ask questions like, “Wow, I’m confused, I thought a stegosaurus was a carnivore, how did you know it’s an herbivore?” then she gets to teach you, and teaching is an even more stimulating way to learn something.

Another idea for a pre-reader is to make small paper signs that say things like door, mop, sink, book, ball, table. Put tape on the back of each and then invite your child to find the items and tape the signs on. Pretty soon, your child will begin to recognize words even before he’s able to read!

You can also adapt this activity by using a basket of miniature items and laminated cards with words on them for beginner readers. Easy words like dog, cat, and hat can be matched up with a tiny toy dog, cat, or hat. Kids love these types of matching games and they learn while they play!

To make this game easier for a child who’s not reading yet, create sets of cards. First, create two matching cards each with a sticker, picture or drawing of a cat and write the word cat below. Now cut the word off of the second set of cards. Now you have three sets of cards- a control set with pictures and words, a set with pictures only and a set with words. Show your child how to match up the control set with the other sets. Again, remember, it’s not important that they get it right, it’s just important that they’re engaged and having fun with it! I find that it helps to do this activity at a table or on a small rug on the floor so that their workspace is contained.

I hope that some of these ideas have sparked your creativity and your desire to stimulate your child’s mind. Please write to me with your thoughts, other ideas, questions, and stories about how these activities work for you!

Big hugs, Shelly