It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids. They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries. As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).
How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time. Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it. So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”
When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior. Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.
So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people. Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”
Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want. When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things. But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t address big instances of behavior that concerns you. You certainly can talk to your child about hitting, lying or other behaviors that don’t work for you. Just remember to put a positive spin on things, letting your child know exactly what he or she can do in the future that you will enjoy and appreciate. And then, be sure to notice those efforts and offer some positive feedback. “Wow, I see you’ve cleaned up that milk you spilled without me even asking! Thank you so much!”
You can absolutely talk with your child about your concerns about her lying, letting her know that you’re worried and you really want to be able to believe her and trust that she’s telling you the truth. Just remember to put more emphasis on what you want than on what you didn’t enjoy. And be sure to really let her know that you appreciate her efforts when you do notice a change in behavior.
One more note about lying, the earlier you can catch it and the more levity you can have about it, the more likely your child is to give it up. So, rather than having a stern conversation about a little white lie, you might choose to joke with her, saying, “Are you SURE that dog was purple? I don’t know, I think it might have been green.” Try your best to save the stern conversations for the lies that deeply concern you and then be sure to tell her exactly how she can rebuild any trust that was damaged.
A few more examples of ways you can turn things around:
Instead of “Stop fighting with your brother!”, try “Remember loving kindness” or at a time when your kids are getting along great, “Wow, I love it when you two take such good care of each other.”
Instead of “No grabbing!” try, “Hmmm, let’s practice sharing…what can I share with you? What can you share with your sister?”
Instead of “Don’t fall!” or “You’re going to hurt yourself!” try, “Listen your body and take good care of yourself, I trust you.”
I hope these examples are helpful for you and I’d love to hear about your own experiences of focusing on what you DO want. How is it working for you? Please leave me a comment below.
Have a fantastic day, Shelly
"Clearing my mental and emotional clutter has created 'space' to live and parent more consciously, with greater awareness and focus. My children deserve the best version of me possible."
Catherina Simones, 
I love to use positive reinforcement with my two years old boy , sometimes it is hard , but it defenitlly works
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