What’s it like to be a 2-4 year old? (an excerpt from my soon to be released ebook!)
As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you. He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents. In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so. Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth! When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.
Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language. He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”. Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”. Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own! Wow, what an exciting discovery.
A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice
Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power. She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation. Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home. This is a huge step in social development. She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own. And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us. Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!
If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal. Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before. Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.
Easier said than done, right? But you can do it, with some support, clear goals, and very rigid consistency (just for now) you’ll have a little helper around the house before you know it. This will end up meeting your own needs for contribution and order while meeting her needs for autonomy and responsibility. (end of excerpt)
As you can imagine, it’s incredibly frustrating for your child to be developing such a strong will at the same time as he is unable to verbalize what’s happening for him. So, as a parent of a child in this age group, your biggest challenge is to meet your child with compassion, understanding, and lots and lots of patience.
Because although your child is understanding a whole new level of complexity of social dynamics, any time we learn any new skill, we can understand lots more than we can effectively express. Hence the tantrums you are bound to experience with this age group. You can see some ideas about how to handle tantrums lovingly at my blog on that topic: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/how-to-handle-tantrums/
Please share a story or comment about your own experiences you’re your child’s development of will and what happened in your family as a result.
Have a fantastic week!
The 2-4 age range, in my opinion, is the time when parents (moms especially) need to invest in self-care. The more our physical, mental, and emotional needs are met, the more we can attempt to approximate the UNBELIEVABLE amount of patience our toddlers & preschoolers need. And, simultaneously, to deal with our own reactions to their neediness, based on what we were allowed to express as children.
I must say I haven’t been too successful at channeling the willfulness into housework, though! My 3 1/2 yr old daughter can help–she has the will–but she lacks skills and frankly, the attention span to finish things. I do let her try as much as I can.
I try to just mirror and put words on things, “Wow! you really didn’t like how I buckled your car seat for you!! You wanted to do it your own self.” Sometimes I change the way I’m doing something, and sometimes I just help her with the feelings. Everybody longs to have their feelings “felt” and validated. I realized that these words really do sink in one morning a few years ago when I was losing it trying to get out the door. Already frustrated and overwhelmed, I knocked our key hanger off the wall as I reached for my key ring–which was the last straw that led me to burst into tears. My 3 y/o son said, “Wow Mommy, you’re crying really big!”
Tricia, Yes, than you so much for your thoughtful comment. I loved hearing about how you mirror back what your child is experiencing, what a beautiful way for her to understand her own experience and know that you care. Thank you so much for sharing that!
I also especially liked the part about our own reactions based on what we were allowed to express as children. It’s incredible to me how much of my inner three year old comes out when I’m among three year old kids. And you’re absolutely right, the more we can take exquisite care of ourselves, the better we’re able to cope with the wild ride that this age group can throw at us. Thanks again and have a wonderful week!
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..The development of will =-.
I want your book….now, well yesterday.
Actually, it’s not that bad, but it does have it moments. I’m a single parent to a pair of twins 2 and a bit. They are as alike as they are different in all ways. I’m learning lots as I go but would always like to do better.
I try to give them as much freedom to do things as is safe. I’m amazed at how something that was so hard one day is suddenly something they can do the next.
Lately I’ve been avoiding some getting dressed battles by letting one of them pick out the clothes for both (the other doesn’t really care).
Hey Chris, Wow, it feels really good to hear that you want my book! Thanks for sharing that. Aren’t twins fun?! I was a nanny for twins for a couple of years and I loved being with them. It was beautiful to see what great friends they were (and are).
I agree that it’s awesome to see children learn and master new skills. What fascinates me though is how one day they can do something easily and a week later they struggle with it again. Learning is not a linear process!
I loved what you shared about avoiding getting dressed battles. That can be a real challenge sometimes! My daughter has decided that she doesn’t like to lie down on the changing table any more, so we’re now doing sitting and standing diaper changes.
Anyway, thanks again for your kind words. I always enjoy your comments. Hugs!