Comments on: How I averted a power struggle and created a game instead

By: Jim

Jim — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:54:45 +0000

Shelly,

I love it.

I use a similar method with my grand kids and other kids in my charge.

For example, when crossing the street, and I want the child to hold my hand (for safety reasons) I ask the child to hold my hand so I won’t get hit by a car. Kids like to help. Even the most rambunctious youngster will usually do it.

I once met my son and his family at a park, and after play we decided to go get a pizza at a large mall. My grand-daughter rode with me, and after parking, we had a long walk across a busy out-door mall to get to the meeting place.

I told her I didn’t want to get lost, and I asked if she would hold my hand. She held it all the way. What a girl!

By: Shelly

Shelly — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 21:25:59 +0000

Yes! Thanks for all of your comments. I love it that our website can be a place of introspection and interaction for us all.

Andrea, I’m glad you’re remembering to have compassion for yourself. You’re absolutely doing your best and it sounds like you’re inspired to create even more connection and be able to maintain it in even more challenging moments. I’ll just say, I’ve been there. And in the moments when I was able to let go of the illusion of control, recognize the needs of the child and empathize with him or her, everything shifted and became easier. Of course, I haven’t yet written about the moments when I completely lost my composure, raised my voice, and heard my parents words come out. That’s for another newsletter…

Heather, I’m so happy that these strategies are working for you and I’m curious about what’s underneath your daughter’s “need to be right”. Is she avoiding feeling embarrassed or guilty? And is there a way to create so much safety for her that she might be able to admit to her mistakes but feel relieved or supported (rather than ashamed) in the process? Just curious what you think about that.

Anyway, thanks again for your comments everyone! And please let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help and support you. Hugs, Shelly

By: Heather Koeppe Martens

Heather Koeppe Martens — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:48:51 +0000

Yes, This is a common theme in My House with My 6 year Old Daughter. She Has a need to Be right [ as in, "it was Not "me" who knocked over the Laundry Basket ] And so I think the pretend play [ go for the giggle ] has worked best. It has kept Spirits high and a Happier energy in the House!

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:52:26 +0000

Thank you for the reminder to stay connected instead of insisting on a certain way. I wish I would have read this column before my 3 year old son had a big freak out about not wanting to come out of the bathtub tonight.

One day at the time…there will be more opportunities to practice joy and fun in heated situation.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:49:35 +0000

In terms of addressing lying with young kids, I’ve found that it’s much more effective to talk about it when there isn’t a current lie on the table. Confronting kids about their lies in the moment often just produces shame and disconnection.

Instead, I like to discuss things like trust, responsibility, and telling the truth, while we’re at the park, reading a story, or having lunch. By doing this, we’re building new values and concepts. So, don’t expect kids to “get it” right away. Instead, look at the life long path of developing into an honest, trustworthy person and give your kids some compassion when they experiment with behaviors you don’t like.

I definitely let kids know that lying isn’t ok with me and it affects my trust. That in turn affects the freedom I’m willing to give them.

But for the most part, lying in young kids is a VERY NORMAL experiment. The funny thing about it is that their intention is to please us (or at least to escape punishment or shame). At about 2 or 3yo kids realize that we want a certain response and they try giving us what we want. Now it’s up to us to catch their lies, let them know that we know the truth, and give them our compassion and trust whenever they tell the truth even though they’re afraid.

Wow, I have a lot to say about this!

Last thing for now, personally I get much more concerned when older children lie. But I still think it’s important to offer them compassion and understanding even while we hold the line that lying is not ok. If your older child is lying, ask yourself- what need is he meeting by not telling the truth right now?

I hope this clarifies things a little. Thanks so much for your comments! Love and hugs, Shelly

Shelly’s last blog post..How I Averted a Power Struggle and Created a Game Instead

By: JoAnne

JoAnne — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:53:41 +0000

OHMYGOD this is happening constantly with my two, almost four-year-old boys. Yesterday Jack thought it would be funny to pull all the mail out of the mail box but did not think it equally fun to pick it up off the ground and bring it into the house. I insisted he pick it up and it happened, one letter at a time, with me standing over him “PIck it up!” and him complaining the whole time “I can’t” and moving as slowly as possible. I knew I wasn’t being very effective or positive but I was determined that he do it and that I not “give in.” Wish I’d thougt of the “Mail Mongering Monster!” I also wonder, like the other commenters, how to address the issue of lying, responsibility, etc.
Your columns are so helpful. Thanks!

By: Decker

Decker — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 05:05:49 +0000

Brilliant, and Fun!

I am also curious though, about any conversations to have afterwards, about boundaries, lying etc
I DEFINITELY prefer Shelly’s playful aikido manuever in that critical heated moment, but afterwards I’d still be inclined to lay down some Serious clarity with my kid around flagrant disrespect (though not sure at what age that is even possible/fruitful)
Guess I’ll be finding out in the increasingly less distant future (kendra is due mid-may,,,!)