BEFORE YOU TEAR YOUR HAIR OUT…

Modeling: Offering Alternatives to Speech That's Hard for Us

By Shelly Birger M.A., with Jill Nagle

Q: I’ve heard you talk about modeling in some of your intro classes, can you elaborate on how this works in an actual situation?

Modeling is the single most effective technique I've found that transforms resistance into cooperation. It often doesn't occur to a three or four-year-old to ask rather than demand, or to calmly tell you what's going on rather than scream and kick. By modeling other ways of asking/sharing, we can help kids expand their repertoire of social skills.

So, in the situation with the spilled milk, you could say, "Sure dad/mom! I'd be happy to clean up the milk I spilled, I'm just not ready right now, but I'll do it in one minute." or "Yes I'll clean up the milk, but I want to dance and sing, so will you turn on the music to make clean-up more fun?" or even "Daddy, I'm tired, I know it's my job to clean up spills but would you help me this time?" As long as they experience our attitude and tone as a genuine request (the more lighthearted and playful the better) as opposed to a demand, the more they get to adopt the choice as their own,.

I often find that a child feels relieved when given a way to ask for what they want that feels less harsh coming out of their own mouths, and also that garners more of what they want from the adults in their life. Like humans of all ages, sometimes children react from the more survivalist part of themselves, that assumes it won’t get what it needs, and begins to struggle accordingly. When we appeal to the more relaxed part of children's minds and convey the abundance and joy we feel, they often respond accordingly.