BEFORE YOU TEAR YOUR HAIR OUT…

Modeling: Yeah, But How Does it Work in Real Life?

By Shelly Birger M.A., with Jill Nagle

Q: Last time you talked about modeling, or demonstrating the behavior and tone you’d like a child to use. You promised to say more about how this actually works in real life! Well?

As we discussed, the kind of behavior adults find soothing and inviting is not often the first thing that comes out of the mouth of a three or four-year old. When we demonstrate, or model the kind of speech and behavior we want to hear, we make it easier for them to enact it.

The other day I was with a 7 year old boy and his mom in the kitchen at breakfast time. Kyle was reading quietly at the breakfast counter. His mom and I kept interrupting his reading to ask him what he'd like for breakfast and lunch for the day. After several interruptions he took a drink of his orange juice and erupted in anger, "Shelly, you know I HATE pulp!" he said loudly. His mom frowned, glanced at me and went over to him, "Kyle, I don't want you to speak to Shelly that way", She said. Kyle looked down at his food.

So I tried a different approach. In a calm and pleasant tone of voice, I said, "Hey Shelly, I really don't like pulp, could you please get me some other juice?". Before I had finished my sentence, Kyle was mirroring my tone and repeating what I had said with a smile. I immediately felt reconnected with him. Then I empathized with him, "It must be frustrating to be interrupted while you're trying to read. Tell you what, let's talk now quickly about breakfast and lunch and your mom and I will try not to interrupt your reading again until breakfast is ready." Kyle agreed, Kyle's mom and I had a great opportunity to chat, and we all had a very nice morning together.

When I role play with kids in this way, I demonstrate the way I'd like to be treated and spoken to, and imagine that they are treating me that way. As soon as I change my own town, I instantly feel better inside than if I simply react to the anger and resistance coming my way. At the same time, I also provide the young person the challenge of a new social task to master.

As an added bonus, this modeling of tone/scripting of message works well for adults, too. Sometimes when my partner or I hear something from the other that we don’t like, we’ll say (with a smile), “Oh, did you mean to say…(fill in the blank with the message we want to hear)?” This usually produces smiles and silliness almost instantly as our otherwise unspoken requests get a voice.

Of course there are also times when what a child (or adult) needs most is just to be listened to as they rage or cry. When that's the case, it seems no matter what you try you keep getting the same emotional response. When you are able, please take time to listen to children's feelings. You'll be giving them the priceless gift of full emotional expression, and the knowledge that they are loved even when they are upset.