I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids.  Let me allay your fears.  Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class.  It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things.  This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives.  In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study?  Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me.  I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them.  As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person.  I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?!  When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective.  You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment.  Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them!  And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids.  When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice.  It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself.  Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it.  Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

We’ve all been there, it’s time to leave, your child wants to stay and continue to play, you’re tired and ready to go, a conflict is brewing.  How we handle these difficult moments can be the difference between a fantastic day and a really rough one.  And really, either one is available to us in a given moment, we just have to be able to access enough creativity to create the fun, laughter filled connection we’re wanting, rather than falling into a negativity trap.

I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative.  Well, that’s where I come in.  I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes.  Sound good?

So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.

1)    Turn it into a game- Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead.  Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them.  Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling.  And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even fin YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.

2)    Go for the giggle- What do your kids find hilarious?  Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down?  It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing.  But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it!  Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions.  Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on.  After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate.

3)    Let the youngest lead- Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to get everyone on the same page and heading in the right direction.  Try assigning that task to the youngest child in your household.  Help her by offering kind ways to ask for what she wants, and by inviting your older children to follow her lead.  Young children have such an incredible imagination, you may even learn a new way to get everyone into the car and on the road (or out of the kitchen while you’re trying to make dinner).  Some of the most fun moments I’ve had as a nanny were times when the youngest one was in charge of a follow the leader game and the rest of us were all down on hands and knees following him around the house.

4)    Physical play-  Jumping on the bed, piling pillows up for hide and seek, rolling, romping and other forms of physical play are a great way to create connection in moments of high tension.  Sometimes all you need is a 10-minute pillow fight to get those tensions out and have fun together. There are times when picking up your baby, or even your two or three year old and spinning him around is the ideal way to press the “reset” button on your interaction.  Of course with any type of physical play, and especially with spinning and tickling, you always want to check in with your child to make sure they’re actually enjoying themselves and having fun.  The idea here is to create connection, not to create laughter at any cost.  Physical play should be a trust BUILDING activity for you and your kids, but if you’re not tuning in to them, it can also damage trust.

5)    Forget yourself- Acting like you can’t remember things or are unable to understand things is a great way to create fun and laughter when you’re about to lose it.  Just try giving in to your desire to turn off your brain, but let your kids revel in the joy of being smarter, having a better memory, and generally being more mentally acute than you are right now.  You’ll be amazed at how willing they’ll be to help YOU into the car, rather than the other way around.

I would love to know if any of these strategies have worked for you.  Please share your experience in the comment box below.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own.  It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen.  But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl.  They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath.  Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop.  They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall.   Amazing, right?!

I mean we’ve all been there when a one year old launched herself off of the couch straight into the coffee table, hurting herself, crying loudly, and needing consolation.  But, how hurt was she really?  And is that something that our repeated refrain of, “Be careful!” will actually prevent?

I think that there’s a reason that childhood comes with some bumps and bruises.  We’re learning our boundaries, our physical skills, and how to use our bodies.  The thing I find fascinating is that young children learn from these experiences and know how to keep themselves safe in the future!

In the book “the Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff she talks about how amazed she was that the people in the native tribe she was observing never told their children to be careful or watch out.  Instead, they trusted their kids to keep themselves safe even while hiking up a steep mountain or playing near a huge pit.  They allowed older children to care for younger children, comforted kids when THEY initiated contact, and in general, kept to their adult tasks, allowing kids to direct themselves.

In our generation of “helicopter parenting” I think we can learn a lot from the tribe Liedloff observed.  Trusting kids to know their own limits is often the best way to encourage self-directed, confident, assured young people to learn and grow at their own pace.

So, this week, notice any tendencies you might have to hover, give extra direction or advice, or warn your kids about dangers that they’re already well aware of.  Try taking a step back and observe how skilled your children really are at taking care of themselves and each other.  And then, let them know how much you enjoy and appreciate how much you can trust them.

And don’t forget to have a fabulous week!  Warmly, Shelly

Did you hear about my tele-seminar with Shera Davis on September
2nd?  It was so much fun and we got to answer some specific
questions from parents like you about how to handle tantrums
lovingly.  Shera’s insights and suggestions were fantastic!

Because I appreciate you and enjoy having you as a member of Awake
Parent Perspectives I’d like to offer you free access to the
recording of the tele-seminar.  Take some time out today to listen
and discover:

-The two biggest unmet needs your child desperately starves for
-A lesson Mary Poppins would be proud of — and how you can use it
-How you can prevent melt-downs before they happen. (It takes only
five minutes a day
-Three strategies for handling the non-stop “why” questions – get
the relief you need
-The most powerful way of showing your child you love them
unconditionally – an invaluable bonding experience
-What’s really ticking you off in heated situations? Use the
H.A.L.T. formula to find out.

Check out the recording of the tele-seminar here:
Listen here

To download a copy, right-click and choose ‘save as’:
Shera & Shelly Tele-seminar

And if you want even more in-depth information on these topics
including support materials that will help you integrate these new
tools into your life, check out the Perspectives on Feelings Audio
Program.  It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week
email course that will walk you through the exercises and help you
relate to your child’s big feelings in a whole new way.

Thanks for being with us!  Warmly, Shelly

Confused about how to deal with tantrums? I sure was. I couldn’t figure out why my students or charges would just flip out over seemingly trivial things like the color of their socks. There were times when I changed the color of a child’s cup so many times I had a huge pile of dishes by the end of lunch. Sometimes I felt like I was dealing with a crazy person.

I KNOW you’ve experienced this. One minute, things are fine and the next, your child is screaming, throwing herself on the floor and crying so hard she can hardly even catch her breath to tell you what happened. Then, when you finally discover what set her off, you’re left wondering how that could possibly matter enough to create such a huge reaction.

As a parent or caregiver experiencing a child’s tantrum, we can feel confused, powerless, and overwhelmed. I’ve often thought, “Oh no! What went wrong? And how can I get her to stop?”

But after experiencing more and more tantrums, I began to discover that getting kids to stop isn’t always the most connecting thing we can do. Not only that, but when kids freak out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In my own life, I’ve really valued being able to release my feelings through crying or raging, so why would I want to take that experience of release and relief away from the young people in my life?

I’ve found that by relating to tantrums in a new way, I have a completely different experience. Now, when I see a child “lose it” I feel compassion and understanding and sometimes even joy in the knowledge that they won’t be carrying around the weight of that emotional baggage for the rest of their lives, instead, they’ve released their feelings fully in the moment.

And, after being with a child during a good cry, I’ve had some of the sweetest, most connected moments. I’m always amazed too that kids can let go of their upset so quickly. I’ve had countless experiences where a child was screaming one minute and happily playing alone the next.

So, my advice is to remember that emotions are always moving and changing, no matter what you do, so why not celebrate and enjoy them?!

The other thing I’ve reailized through my many many hours with young people is that tantrums are often preventable. Try following the guidelines below and create a more peaceful and connected life for you and your kids.

Prevent- I’ve found that many tantrums come from a child’s frustration with unmet needs for autonomy, play, and attention. By addressing these needs throughout the day, you can prevent many tantrums from happening. “How?”, you ask? Here are a few ideas for how to address these common unmet needs that most children have.

• Autonomy- Let them do it by themselves, allow them to choose, and let them be in charge sometimes. You could even assign a task to your kids, put someone in charge and let them figure out how to accomplish the task. Be available to help if they really need it, but resist the urge to jump in to add your suggestions.

• Play- Get down and dirty, be silly, wear a funny hat and talk in an accent. Children learn by playing, so if they don’t get enough play, they crave it. You might be surprised at how little time it actually takes to turn something into a game.

• Attention- The next time she has something to tell you, stop what you’re doing and really be present with her. Give her your undivided attention. Ask questions to draw her ideas out more fully and let her know that her thoughts, opinions, and new skills matter to you.

Educate- Teaching kids how to identify and express their emotions BEFORE they’ve lost control is another great way to prevent tantrums. But you can also use a tantrum that happened earlier, to teach your kids what precipitated it. “Wow, sweetie, remember earlier when you were crying and hitting? It seems like you were feeling really frustrated because you really wanted to continue playing your game. Is that right? I wonder if the next time you’re feeling frustrated you could say, ‘I’m frustrated, I really want to play with my train Mom!’ That way, we can figure out a solution that works for both of us.”

Listen- If you’re unable to head it off at the pass or talk your way through it, the most connecting thing you can do is to take a few minutes, sit down and listen to your child cry. By supporting kids in expressing themselves, and staying with them through the storm, we let them know that we’ll love them no matter what and it’s ok to have big feelings.

For more great tips about how to deal with tantrums and other big feelings check out our audio program Perspectives on Feelings. It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week e-course to help you integrate what you’ve learned.

Oh! And I have an interview coming up! You can sign up, ask your most pressing questions about tantrums, and listen in on the call. I hope to connect with you there.

I’d love to know how it’s going at home. Please leave your comments below!

Thanks, Shelly

Wow–that was an experience–recording my first video blog! Apparently I have a bunch of technical things to learn. Let’s see how much better my second one gets.

But enough about me. Karin, one of our readers, had a question about responding to her child, who gets scared of lots of different things. I loved thinking out loud about this. Here’s my response:

This is just a beginning. You can hear Shelly and I talk at length on a broad range of topics involving feelings, ours and our children’s, in our new audio program, Perspectives on Feelings.

Please let us know what you think!

Warmly,

Jill

Are you tired of tantrums?

Give your kids an alternative

Get more connected by Guessing Feelings

By guessing your child’s feelings, you can help her learn a new way to express herself… verbally!

Even if your guesses are wrong, your child will respond to your efforts to tune into her. When young kids have tantrums, they’re frustrated, low on creativity, and can’t figure out another way to express how strongly they feel.

Remember that tantrums won’t necessarily disappear, just because your little angel is able to say, “Mommy, I’m mad!”

He will have more options, however, and if you can catch him early enough, you might be able to head off some tantrums before they start.

Here are six steps to help you use Guessing Feelings to help create more emotional connectedness for your whole family:

1) Download a Feelings List Here- Feelings List

2) Print it out and use it to expand your own emotional vocabulary. Begin to identify and express your own feelings throughout the day. “Oh! I’m feeling so happy and content right now!”

3) Practice guessing. “Sweetie, are you feeling frustrated?”, or “Wow, it looks like you’re feeling really excited! Are you feeling excited right now?” Be prepared to guess again or be corrected without taking it personally if you don’t get it right the first time.

Remember, it’s not if your guesses are right that counts, it’s the fact that you’re trying to tune in and build emotional vocabulary.

4) Use a wide variety of feeling words with your child every day both by sharing your own feelings and by guessing hers.

5) Next time you’re reading a bed-time story, look for the emotional content and ask your child to guess. “How to you think Thomas is feeling right now?” If you get no response, make your own guesses, “I wonder if he’s feeling lonely because he misses his friends.”

6) Play games with your family in which you each make faces and try to guess feelings, or list feelings and play at exaggerating them.

By expanding the emotional vocabulary you use with your child on a daily basis, you’re setting him up to be able to express his feelings effectively, without completely losing it.

With many repetitions, your child will begin to say things like, “Mommy, I’m feeling frustrated because I need attention!” or “Daddy, I feel sad, can I have a hug?”

If you’d like to learn more about how to increase emotional awareness and connectedness in your family, keep an eye out for our new CD “Perspectives on Feelings”.

Thanks for being here!

Big hugs and love, Shelly

P.S. What did you think of this blog about reflecting feelings? Was it helpful? Clear? Is there anything we could have done better? Please let us know your thoughts and questions in the comment box below. Thanks!