And I think all of that is perfectly OK and natural for a new parent. It’s a lot of hard work to nurture an infant and it felt perfectly right for me to throw myself into motherhood so fully and completely. But now that I’m emerging from the haze of my daughter’s infancy I’m reminded that it’s my commitment to my highest values that will most positively impact her life.

So, if I value authentic relating and community, then I’d better step up and start acting like it again! After I gave birth to my daughter I was amazed at how little anything else mattered any more. It was like everything that had mattered the most in my life was reduced to a tiny sliver of importance and my daughter took up 99.9% of everything that mattered to me. I can feel that shifting now.

Sure, my family is HUGELY important to me. And nurturing and supporting my husband and daughter are some of the things that matter most. But there’s a new space opening up in me that still cares about the things that mattered BEFORE parenthood. Community. Authenticity. Honesty. Facing my fears bravely. Showing up BIG in my life. Fiercely supporting my clients to make big changes in their lives.

I’ve been gone for a while. I’ve been doing what I’ve needed to do to lay a strong foundation of love and trust between my child and me. But I’m ready to step out of my comfortable little nest and make an even bigger difference in the world. It’s important to me that I continue to learn, grow, and stretch. Because reaching out and challenging myself gives me a sense of purpose and joy. I also deeply want my daughter to live a passionate and inspired life. And I know that the best way to ensure that is to model it for her, myself.

So, fair warning, I’m about to bust out and share even more of myself with you and with the world. Goodbye ‘New Parent Social Isolation’ and Hello World!

I would love to know if this was your experience of the first year of your child’s life. Did you hibernate? And was there a time when you suddenly felt ready to re-engage socially? I want to hear your story!

Tons of love, Shelly

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just rewind our lives and have a do over whenever we wanted?  That’s one thing I appreciate about spending time with kids.  Children are almost always up for granting us a do over.  Most haven’t yet developed the ability to hold a grudge.  And even if they have, they’re often incredibly forgiving. It’s just one more lesson we can learn from the kids in our lives.

Yesterday I accidentally bonked my daughter in the nose as I was climbing into bed with her.  She started to cry and said “Bonk” through her tears. But then she reached out to me for comfort.  I apologized, we hugged, and it was as if the incident never happened.  In a way, she let me rewind and have a do over.  I was so grateful.

My husband and I sometimes give one another do-overs too.  I’ve been known to say, “Oops, that’s not what I meant to say, can I rewind please?”  He is often amazingly willing to forget the first statement and listen to the second.  This is a skill that requires a conscious effort to develop.

At least for me, it is often much easier to latch on to the thing my husband said that upsets me, rather than paying attention to the five things he said that were uplifting.  Do you do the same thing?

Luckily, he points it out to me when I’m overly focused on the negative.  And usually I’m able to let things go.  But it wasn’t always this way for me.  I’ve held my share of grudges, that’s for sure.  And when I think back to how it felt to hold that anger and frustration in my body, it felt really crappy.  I really do think it’s true that holding a grudge hurts us more than it hurts the person we’re angry with.

So I’m curious, are there any grudges that you’re willing to let go of this week?  Can you give your friend or loved one a do-over?  And if you’re not ready yet, what will it take for you to be able to let it go?

Watch out for the tendency to require that the other person do something differently in order to earn your forgiveness. The reality is that we can only change ourselves and our thoughts, never another person.

However, when I’ve been able to let go of my grudges and forgive my loved ones, I’ve been amazed at how differently they showed up afterward. The very person I thought was incapable of deep emotional connection actually invited ME to go deeper.  And the one I thought was cold and uncaring became so soft and sweet.

Somehow by accepting people just as they are, we activate such a pure state of love that the other person naturally gravitates toward our ideal vision of them.  Or maybe not, but that’s how I like to look at it.

Are there things you can love and accept about your children that will allow them to show up differently for you?  Let’s all give our kids, spouses, friends and family a do over this week.  Together we can change a sucky day into a lovely one.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me, Shelly

The bad news is it’s completely up to you to set the tone of your household and to maintain your commitment to having a peaceful and loving home life.  The good news is, your children WILL follow your lead easily and naturally.

I have a whole curriculum on this topic which is under development and it’s way too much to go into today, but I wanted share the tip that has made the  biggest difference for the parents I’ve worked with.

Conspiring with your family to lavish one another with acts of kindness. 

This one activity can completely change the energy of your home from competition and animosity to collaboration and kindness.   So how do you begin?

First, consider each member of your family and come up with a nice thing you and your child or children can do for them.  At first it’s helpful to make a list so that you can keep track of the kind acts you plan to infuse into your home.  After you’ve gotten some momentum going, these kinds of acts will become second nature and will happen spontaneously and often in your home, even without your direct participation.  Your list might look something like this:

• Attack Dad with hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s” on Sunday morning
• Make a crown and magic wand for Rachel and then do her bidding for 15min.
• Tell Jason 3 things we appreciate about him
• Cheer for Dad when he gets back from his run
• Let Connor choose his favorite dinner
• Pretend to be a magic genie and give Claire three wishes
• Take out the trash for Jason (or do another chore for him)
• Read a story to Claire
• Hide a surprise gift for Connor in his closet
• Pick flowers and arrange them for Mom
• Play basketball with Connor and Rachel
• Send a thank you note to Grandma

Once you have a good-sized list of acts of kindness, breathe and relax and remember that your family will help you do these things.  You are not alone and it’s not your job to DO all of these things.  Your work is to come up with some initial ideas and help your whole family implement them.

Next, choose an item on the list and go to one or more of your children to begin to conspire with them to offer this act of kindness.  This might sound something like this:

“Hey Jason, are you busy right now?  I have an idea of something sweet we can do for Claire.  Would you like to help me pamper her?”  If your child isn’t interested, that’s OK, just go to another family member and ask.

You may want to begin by lavishing the child who is in the most distress or who exhibits the most animosity toward others.  Remember that picking fights or lashing out is an indicator that your child is needing something.  So, by offering your love, kindness, and generosity to the child who seems to deserve it least, you’re doing a couple of things.

First, you’re modeling for your whole family how you’re committed to treating one another, no matter what THEY DO.  You are lavishing your child with love and affection for being his wonderful self even after he has lashed out at his sister because you know that he is innately good and kind, he has just temporarily lost his ability to show it.

Second, you’re nurturing a person who clearly needs your love and attention,  and you’re teaching your whole family to see unkind outbursts as a signal of need, rather than something to be punished for or retaliated against.

This sets up a positive cycle in your home in which negativity and hurtfulness are quickly bombarded with loving attention.  And amazingly, giving love to your reactive child can actually eradicate the underlying unmet needs and allow the child to regain his own sense of kindness and generosity.

I’m curious, have you ever tried anything like this before?  How did it go?  Do you have questions or concerns about implementing this?  Please leave me a comment below.

And have a fantastic day, Shelly

As I pondered the idea of background parenting I couldn’t help thinking that working for a paycheck is probably the most time consuming form of background parenting that exists and sometimes one parent does considerably more of it than the other.  Single parents definitely spend a bunch of their parenting time doing this type of background parenting.

I’m bummed that we’re forced to take time away from our kids so that we can make money to pay for food, rent or a mortgage, and other items.  But the kicker is the money we end up paying for childcare professionals to take care of our kids!  Personally, I’d much rather be with my daughter than pay someone else to.  And I know LOTS of parents who feel the same way.   But sometimes there doesn’t seem to be much of a choice.

On the other hand, I’ve been a childcare professional and I know I took great care of the kids in my charge and I loved them all dearly.  I know some really great childcare professionals and they absolutely deserve to be paid well.  Childcare is a challenging job.

My husband and I are very blessed to have parents here in Bend (they moved here to be closer to our daughter…and us) so I know that when I’m working for a paycheck (from home, mind you), my daughter is busy bonding with her grandparents.  But I know that we’re in a very unique situation.  This is definitely not the norm.  Most people are forced to use some kind of daycare or preschool to cover child-care while they work.  And in some cases they end up taking home a ridiculously small amount once you factor in the cost of childcare.

A few years ago my mom and I went to France and a woman there told me about the French policies regarding maternity leave.  As I recall, parents got a full two years of leave from their jobs with a percentage of their pay and could split up the time any way they liked between mom and dad.  They were also provided in-home help in the first several months, all paid for by the French government.  Now I know we don’t live in France, and we probably don’t pay nearly as much in taxes, but the thing that strikes me about this is the huge difference between the perceived value of spending time with our young children.

In France the system was set up to SUPPORT parents getting to spend time with their children.  Here in the US, that is definitely not the case, at least not yet.  Instead, we’re encouraged to drop our kids off at daycare where the ratio of infants to adults is 3 or 4:1 and for preschoolers it’s as much as 12:1.

I’m frustrated about this and I also feel somewhat hopeless.  I have no idea what I can do to change things, but spending most of our time doing background parenting and only a little bit of it doing connection parenting just isn’t good for kids OR parents.  So, what can we do about it?

How have you come to terms with this in your family?  I would love to hear your story.  Please leave me a comment if you feel inspired to do so.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

What other ways could you play this game?  Can you see how it can help kids learn colors, shapes, locations of things in your home, sizes, and so much more?!  I would love to hear how you would modify this game to best fit your child’s interests.  Please leave me a comment!

I don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me or of the punishment I might hand down.  So I’ve chosen the most peaceful parenting I can possibly muster.  But if punitive discipline is out, does that mean I’m a total softie and my kids walk all over me?  Definitely not.

In fact, setting clear and consistent boundaries is one of the best ways to help your child feel secure.  In the Montessori schools in which I worked, we practiced a logical or natural consequences approach to setting boundaries with kids.  And it really worked!  Children understood why we did things a certain way and they were usually happy to cooperate.

Somehow setting boundaries was easier when it was my job to be completely respectful of the child.  Now that I think about it, it was much easier not to swear when I was a preschool teacher and my job was on the line.   But now that I’m a parent, I slip up sometimes.  It’s a much different challenge to be respectful of a child 24 hours a day than it is for six or eight hours a day five times a week.

Today I’d like to explore a different kind of discipline, the kind of discipline that allows us to complete a difficult task or to master a new skill.  Lately I’ve been thinking that by developing interests and practicing one or several disciplines myself as well as encouraging my child to do the same, the need for any other kind of discipline could simply melt away.  Maybe I’m crazy and my daughter just hasn’t hit her “difficult” period yet, but this sure seems to be working for us so far.

By encouraging her to develop her own interests and explore them independently, my relationship with my daughter becomes more about facilitating and supporting her desires, rather than circumventing them or redirecting her.  Oh, trust me, there are plenty of opportunities to redirect her.  But the more I’m able to just go with her flow and allow her to explore what she’s interested in, the more confident she becomes and the more she enjoys learning.

We’re setting up a positive loop.  She seeks out something interesting and explores it, she enjoys what she learns and then she seeks out something new and interesting again.  And we’re also building our connection because she understands that I deeply care about her and want her to explore her interests and fulfill her purpose in life.  So really, she’s developing self-discipline!

That way, in the times when I do need to set a firm boundary for safety or for some other reason, she knows that I’m not just trying to punish her.  I’m actually making choices based on what will give her the most freedom she can safely have.

So what do you think?  Can we reduce the need for “discipline” by supporting our children to develop their interests and practice self-discipline?  I would love to hear your take on my idea.  Please leave me a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

Transitions are almost always challenging for young people and that goes for both large and small transitions. Moving from bath time to bed can produce a lot of upset, so it makes sense that starting back to school (or starting school for the first time) would also cause some emotional ripples.

First, know that you are not alone. When I taught preschool there were always a few children in every class who had a difficult time separating at the beginning of the year. But after several weeks, everyone was transitioning joyfully.

Now, I’ll give you the same information and advice I gave the parents in the classroom that helped to resolve the upset quickly and fairly easily.

The most important thing about a morning school separation is that it is QUICK and that the parent is calm, comfortable, and relaxed. The more you can leave your own feelings of sadness, upset, and anxiety at home, the better your child will do.

I don’t mean to imply that you won’t HAVE upsetting feelings, just that you’ll do your best to experience and work through those feelings AWAY from the door of your child’s classroom. So, when you’re at the door, you’re projecting calm confidence, trust, and warmth. This is HUGE.

Why quick? The more time you spend helping your child get his things into his locker, making sure he has his lunch, asking the teacher about the schedule for the day, and giving him multiple hugs and kisses, the more time he has to recognize that you are uncomfortable (or that he is). Also, when your child sees you in and around his classroom, he begins to wonder why you can’t just spend your day at school with him. After all, you are one of his favorite people in the whole world, so why wouldn’t he want you to stick around?

What your child may fail to realize is that school is an opportunity for her to branch out socially and become more independent. It’s a growth opportunity and having a parent present could actually undermine her motivation to reach out to new friends.

But, when new friends and teachers are the only choice available, you’d be surprised how quickly children can acclimate and enjoy the new environment. Often, the kids who have the greatest separation anxiety are the same children who bond to the teachers and other kids quickly. The classroom becomes a new base of operations and they easily rely on their new community for the help and support they need. This is a very important skill.

Do you remember a time from your own childhood when you felt unsure, afraid, and you wanted to cling to someone or something familiar? Giving your child a keepsake, a slap bracelet, a hand stamp, or some other reminder of you can be a great way for your child to remain connected to you, even as she stretches her wings socially. But don’t go too crazy, leaving elaborate notes in her lunch every day. Take your cue from your child, what does she ask for and need?

Acknowledging your child’s feelings can help too, but again, be brief. Something like, “Honey, I know you’re feeling worried and that’s OK. I think some other kids are feeling the same way. If you need help, you can ask your teacher. I bet you’ll have a great day. I love you and I’ll see you at 3:00,” should be sufficient. And you can always talk more after school.

Next, if your child is having a difficult time separating, talk to his teacher and ask about their policy on separation anxiety. Some schools will call you if your child is inconsolable for longer than half an hour or so. Or it may be OK for you to call to check in. I always loved giving worried parents the news that their child was happily playing and working just minutes after they had left the room.

You’ve chosen to put your child in preschool, private, or public school for a host of reasons, so take a moment to ground yourself and feel into those reasons. You know what is best for your child, now it’s time to trust, let go, and enjoy the ride.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

One study in particular stands out in my mind. It was conducted on a playground where researchers observed boys playing a tackling game. Researchers thought that they would find the game to be violent and detrimental to kids, but they actually found just the opposite. The observed that in playing this seemingly violent game, rarely did anyone get hurt, and when someone did get hurt, the other boys reacted with caring and compassion toward their fallen playmate.

And, after failing to find what they were looking for, the researchers changed their tack and began to look for behaviors that showed kindness and caring, such as a pat on the back, a hug, or helping one another get up. They quickly realized that the vast majority of the interactions between the kids on the playground were those kind and caring gestures!

In fact, they further realized that it was because of the seemingly violent nature of the tackling game that kids were given more opportunities to offer a helping hand or a hug than they would have otherwise. So that’s when I realized, that with some clear ground rules, wrestling between kids or between kids and adults could actually be a really joyful and beneficial activity for everyone involved.

So the next time your child runs to you crying, “My brother hurt me!” you can see it as an opportunity to nurture and comfort your child (which builds your connection) AND as an opportunity to show an older child how to take even better care of his younger sibling (which will build their connection).

Now, I’m not recommending that you force your older child to offer disingenuous nurturing, rather, that you model for your children how to care for one another. I also think it’s useful to keep in mind that there have likely been lots of other moments when the older sibling did take care of the younger one, that you might not have seen. Of course, the opposite can also be true.

So, if you’re not sure what’s really going on between your kids, take some time to observe them together and keep a tally for yourself. How many times did they touch or hug in a loving way? How many times did they touch in a hurtful way? What was your favorite moment? Why? What kinds of things did they say to each other? Ideally, you would tuck yourself away in a corner and seem to ignore them, so that they can play normally, forgetting that you’re even in the room.

But do be careful not to allow your preconceived notions or biases to show up in your observations. An observation should be completely neutral and without judgment, such as “Carl jumped on the bed and Henrietta fell off,” rather than “Carl viciously knocked Henrietta off the bed.”

I mentioned ground rules earlier and here are the ones I like for wrestling and rough housing at my house:

1) We stop if someone gets hurt and help them

2) We stop when someone says stop

3) We only use our bodies and pillows (no hard objects)

4) We stay on the carpet or bed

I’m so curious, have you found rough housing to be a connecting activity at your house? What are you ground rules? Please share your wisdom with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.