This week’s guest blog is from my stepdad Jim:

As a person “of a certain age,” I have to admit to an occasional bit of amusement at Shelly’s parenting tips. Some seem a little odd (as I suppose my ideas about parenting seemed to my parents) and some just seem like old ideas dressed up in new words. But the basic theme of this blog, Conscious Parenting, isn’t a concept I ‘d encountered before and it’s one that has a lot of meaning for me as both a stepparent and a biological one.

I believe that being Shelly’s stepdad helped me be a much better parent when my son came along later. I believe that because, in my experience, becoming a stepparent is a much more conscious decision than becoming a parent the old-fashioned, biological way. It may seem counter-intuitive but think about it.

When you meet someone with a child and decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing, the presence of the kid is a major factor in your decision. And the kid usually isn’t just a cute little, happy paperweight of a baby but a complex, confounding and totally unique individual. The developing relationship isn’t just hugs and kisses; it’s a tricky three-way negotiation of how you will fit into a preexisting family unit. By the time you walk down the aisle you have a pretty good idea of what you’re getting into and you know when you say, “I do” you’re committing to parenting as well as marriage.

Contrast that with the way we become biological parents (and I’m not talking about the mechanics here). We talk about “starting a family” or “having children” but rarely do we ask our spouse or ourselves if we want to become parents. Once we’ve decided to have kids (assuming things work out) we have nine crazy months to plan for the birth, hold showers and decorate the baby’s room. We might even take a “parenting” class but the odds are the class will focus on infants and probably substitute an inanimate doll for the baby.

While we might occasionally lose sleep over the sudden realization that, “OMG, I’m going to be a parent,” we usually get past it without really coming to grips with what that means.

Personally, I didn’t accept the reality of parenting my son until one night when he was a couple of months old and I found myself standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store tossing Pampers (forgive me for I have sinned) into the trunk of my car. As I stood there, staring at the Pampers and wondering, “How the heck did this happen?” I realized I once again had a commitment to make: accept the responsibility to parent my child or run from it (figuratively or literally). I pulled myself together and drove home.

Whether you’re a step, biological, foster, adoptive or some other type of parent, that commitment to parent (rather than just be a parent) is the core of Conscious Parenting. And it’s not a commitment you make once and move on, but one that needs to be continually and consciously renewed as your child grows and changes and offers you the chance to grow and change with her.

Please share your thoughts about your own parenting journey in the comment box below.

And have a good week,

James Cook

Jim is Shelly’s stepfather and a brand new grandparent. When he’s not busy spoiling the baby (or Shelly) he does illustration, web design, and teaches the online Dominate Dreamweaver web/design and development course.

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This week’s guest blog is by Kendra:

My 14-month old son, Trent, has recently developed a new scream so incredibly grating that it defies description.  It’s times like these that I am glad I have a mindfulness practice.

When I was in my early 20’s I lived in a Zen monastery for several years.  Back then, mindfulness meant hours & hours of seated meditation and spending most of my time in silence & contemplation.  Mindfulness meant bowing silently to my fellow monks instead of mindlessly asking, “hey, how you doing?” & raking the courtyard with such precision that every rake mark was parallel.

Once I left the monastery & moved to San Francisco, I meditated occasionally, I did some yoga, I tried to be mindful…but LIFE was always getting in the way:  there was a business to build, parties to go to, friends to meet, and email to respond to.  Who had the time to sit down and do nothing for an hour?!?!?

My son started re-teaching me mindfulness before he was even born:  I had to take the time to make healthy meals, I had to remember to drink water, I had to take daily walks, and I had to get 8 hours of sleep every night – if I didn’t take care of myself, he let me know by way of nausea, headaches, full-body aches, and complete & utter exhaustion, this was not OK.  He was teaching me to slow down, to listen, to silently bow to my experience instead of always being off to the next thing.

One of my yoga teachers has a saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” And she’s not talking about money.  Trent was teaching the value of paying upfront; the beauty of living life in the moment (and not having to worry when my credit would catch up to me).

For parents, the question remains:  who has the time to sit still & do nothing for an hour?!?!?

And, so, my son is my mindfulness practice.

I can’t tell you how many times I have responded to my son’s subtle cues with an absent-minded, “Hold on – I just need to do one more thing”, only to have him completely lose it at the most inopportune time.  Pay me now, or pay me later…

Mindfulness no longer looks like hours of silence, but, rather, bringing the same level of attention to Trent’s endless babbling.  And, when I take the time to listen -REALLY listen- I have never heard anything so beautiful.

Instead of returning (over & over) to my breath, I return (over & over & over) to the game of how-many-blocks-can-Mommy-stack-before-Trent-knocks-them-all-down.  I no longer have the time (nor the inclination) to rake symmetrical patterns in gravel, but I do know how much better I feel when I am present & aware as I pick up the toys & the blocks, and put the books back on the shelf (for the fifth time today); when I am there to notice how soft this stuffed lemur is & how beautiful these stacking blocks that build a redwood tree are & how sweet it is that this book belonged to me when I was the baby.

And, then, how much more available I am to be with my son when he turns with the sweetest of gazes & says, “Mamma.”  There is nowhere else I would rather be.

One specific practice I really love is Baby (or Child) Meditation:  choose a five to ten minute spot during the day when you can turn off your phone & the computer, when you don’t need to eat or prepare food, when no one needs help with their homework, etc.  Then go to where your child is & simply give them your full attention.  And notice:  notice how their body moves, what sounds they make, how your body feels as you witness them, what emotions and/or thoughts come up for you.  Notice them, and let them go.  Breathe.

(Of course, if they engage you, feel free to respond, but don’t initiate contact.  The purpose is not the play with your child, but to offer them your wide witnessing gaze, that offers no judgment & demands nothing in return.)

I would love to know about your experiences of parenting as a mindfulness practice.

Have a good week,

Kendra Cunov
Co-founder of AuthenticWorld
Mom of Trent, 14 months old
http://butwhohasthetime.blogspot.com/

When I was a teenager I was flipping through my baby book and I saw a letter my mom had written to me before I was born.  It was sweet and heartfelt and at that moment I knew on a deeper level how very wanted I was and how special I was to my mom even before she met me for the first time.   It has always been important to me that I make a conscious choice to become a parent and that I wait until I’m really ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood.  So here I am, just two weeks away from my “guess date” and I’ve decided to write a letter to my baby to welcome him or her.

I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward.  I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before.  I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times.   So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart.  I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share.  And I hope you enjoy this special blog.  So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.

Dear Baby,

Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you.  Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes.  I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head.  Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.

I can’t wait to be your mama.  I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life.  I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you.  I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you.  Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life.  Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose.

Just wait ‘till you meet your dad.  He’s fantastic.  I just know he’s going to be such a wonderful daddy to you.  When I was choosing a husband I decided to choose the man with the biggest, most beautiful heart I could find.  And that’s your dad.  He cares so deeply, and shares himself so openly.  I love his honesty and the way he has trouble keeping a secret, even when it’s a fun surprise.  I completely trust him to take exquisite care of all of our hearts, which is really the most important task of all.  And on top of all that, he’s hilarious!  With your daddy in our lives, we are sure to have lots and lots of laughter and fun.

My friends keep telling me that you’re “one lucky baby” and I agree.  I’ve always thought of myself as one of the luckiest people I know.  And I’m so happy to pass on my good fortune to you.  In fact, there’s no one else I’d rather bless with endless good luck and the ability to appreciate and enjoy it.

One of my deepest hopes is that we can always communicate openly with each other, that no matter what’s happening, you know you can always come to us, share whatever’s on your heart and we’ll always love you no matter what.  There may be times when we don’t like each other very much, but even then, please know, that we love you dearly, deeply, and without conditions.  And even in times when you think you don’t, we’ll remember that you love us too.  Because that’s how it is in our family, we practice unconditional love and acceptance no matter what the circumstances.

So, welcome to life on Earth, and welcome to your family.  May you be surrounded by love, inspired to learn and grow, and always know that you are deeply cherished.

So much love, Your Mom

I’m curious, have any of you written similar letters to your children before they arrived?  What kinds of things did you share?  How do you feel about having written to your unborn child?  And what  impact do you think your letter will have on your child as he or she reads it later?

Have a fantastic week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”.  We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated.  And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions.  When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else.  But there is!  We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

This week I watched a fascinating video about baby led breastfeeding.  It showed newborn, days old, and months old infants maneuvering themselves into a good nursing position with very little help from their mothers.  Babies were deliberate in their movements bobbing and clearly searching for the nipple.  And, when they found it on their own, many mothers reported that the latch was more comfortable than it had been when they had tried to help their babies find the nipple.  What an incredible innate ability babies have!

Watching newborn infants lead the way at breastfeeding reminded me of one of the foundations of Maria Montessori’s groundbreaking educational philosophies; follow the child.  Montessori asserted that children have an innate desire to learn and if we follow their lead, they will enjoy learning, retain more information, and continue to seek out even more knowledge.

But following the child doesn’t just work to help kids develop their intellect, it also helps them to find their power and leadership skills.  When we allow children to be in charge and take the lead, they will often surprise us with their creativity and take us in directions we never expected.

For instance, kids who are feeling powerless and frustrated about it will often make up games than involve enslaving their brothers, sisters, parents, or other adults.  It’s how they work out their frustrations about being a kid and how they learn to understand what it’s like to be in charge.

I’ve found that by allowing children to lead the way during some specifically designated child led play-time, kids become better able to cooperate and connect for the rest of the day.

I’ve even had experiences where I wasn’t sure why a child was grumpy or defiant and when I allowed the child to lead the play, I soon discovered what was really bothering them.  Kids have an amazing ability to work out their emotional challenges through play, but they have to be allowed the time, space, and attention to do so effectively.

Have you ever walked by your child’s room and heard him in pretend play with his dinosaurs, “Now Danny, you have to eat your broccoli, green vegetables are good for your body.”  “But Daaaad, I don’t waaant to eat it, it’s yucky!”  “If you don’t eat your veggies you won’t grow up to be big and strong like me.”  “OK, I’ll eat them, but can I have some cheese on them?”  Or you may have noticed your daughter bossing around her dolls, “Get in your stroller right this minute young lady or I will have to take away your candy.”

Your challenge this week is to observe and play along with your child in activities or games that he or she has created.  See what you can notice about what kind of play your child is most drawn to and reflect on how that might be an indication of what she’s experiencing in every day life.   Is your child free, creative and lighthearted or angry and destructive?  Consider how you can support your child in working out emotional challenges through child-led play on a daily or weekly basis.

And if you have one, please share a story below about your own experiences of child-led play.  I would love to know what it’s been like for you!

Warmly, Shelly

I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids.  Let me allay your fears.  Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class.  It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things.  This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives.  In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study?  Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me.  I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them.  As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person.  I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?!  When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective.  You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment.  Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them!  And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids.  When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice.  It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself.  Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it.  Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

Reading to your kids is a crucially important part of your job as a parent.  And sometimes story time can begin to fall through the cracks of our busy lives.  So this week, I’m writing about the many reasons story time is such an important part of parenting.  I’m hoping to re-inspire you to commit to a daily story time for your kids whether they’re one-year-old, six, or twelve.

My parents all helped to teach me a love of reading that has enriched my life immensely.  My mom and dad read to me every night before bed when I was very young.  My step-mom read me “Little Women” over the course of several months when I was nine.  My mom read chapter books to my brother and me as my step-dad drove us miles and miles on our family vacations.  And in junior high and high school when I showed an interest in science fiction, my step dad turned me on to Douglas Adams.

Let’s explore how reading to your children at various ages supports their growth and development:

As a baby and toddler, your little one is picking up language skills at a phenomenal rate.  Reading to young people helps them increase their vocabulary, understand the parts of language, and learn the rules of English (if that’s your primary language).  There is nothing else you can do that has more of an impact on your child’s future ability to read and learn than a daily story time.  I recommend at least 30min. a day of reading together even with children as young as five or six months old.

When you point to objects and name them, your toddler can quickly learn to identify many more objects than he can verbalize.  Try asking your pre-verbal little one to point to the ball or shoe and you’ll be amazed at how much he can comprehend, even before he can speak.

As your child grows, story time becomes a bonding, connected time that your child can count on.  The emotional security that can grow from taking the time to sit down and read together is truly priceless.  It lets your child know first that she’s important to you and second, that reading and learning are fun.

And by pointing to the words on the page as you read, you’re helping her learn to recognize words.  Before you know it, she’ll be sight reading several words just because she’s had the repetition of hearing the word and seeing it on the page so many times before.

By using story time as a time to discuss moral lessons, develop problem-solving skills, and improve comprehension, you can have a deeply meaningful conversation with your child every day.  You can discover more about who your child is and what he values by asking questions about the story.  “Why do you think Peter told everyone there was a wolf when there really wasn’t?” or “How do you think Arthur is feeling right now?” and even, “Is there another way they could have done things that would have worked better?”

Young people can come up with some pretty creative solutions when given the opportunity to brainstorm with an open, accepting adult.  The depth of understanding and the creativity that children use to solve the problems with which I present them constantly amazes me.

As your child matures, you can begin to read chapter books together and have even more in-depth discussions about the characters, learning and understanding their motivations and even discussing moral conundrums.  “Do you think it was OK for Sally to steal food for her brothers and sisters?”

Even after your child is reading well on his own, he will still benefit from being read to for as long as he enjoys it.  And when he’s ready to transition to reading on his own for most of the time, you can each read the same book and discuss it afterward.

There’s no doubt in my mind that my ability to read well, comprehend easily, do well in school and become a good test taker were all a result of my parents’ commitment to the written word.  But that’s not the most compelling reason to read to your kids.  Imagine your favorite books and how deeply they’ve impacted you.  Think about that super funny novel you read last week or the newspaper article that shocked you and seemed to turn your world upside down.   Now imagine a world without those pleasures and surprises.  Are you ready to re-commit to a daily story time yet?    I sure hope so!

Have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny?  I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old.  And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing.  Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

We’ve all been there, it’s time to leave, your child wants to stay and continue to play, you’re tired and ready to go, a conflict is brewing.  How we handle these difficult moments can be the difference between a fantastic day and a really rough one.  And really, either one is available to us in a given moment, we just have to be able to access enough creativity to create the fun, laughter filled connection we’re wanting, rather than falling into a negativity trap.

I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative.  Well, that’s where I come in.  I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes.  Sound good?

So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.

1)    Turn it into a game- Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead.  Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them.  Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling.  And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even fin YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.

2)    Go for the giggle- What do your kids find hilarious?  Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down?  It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing.  But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it!  Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions.  Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on.  After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate.

3)    Let the youngest lead- Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to get everyone on the same page and heading in the right direction.  Try assigning that task to the youngest child in your household.  Help her by offering kind ways to ask for what she wants, and by inviting your older children to follow her lead.  Young children have such an incredible imagination, you may even learn a new way to get everyone into the car and on the road (or out of the kitchen while you’re trying to make dinner).  Some of the most fun moments I’ve had as a nanny were times when the youngest one was in charge of a follow the leader game and the rest of us were all down on hands and knees following him around the house.

4)    Physical play-  Jumping on the bed, piling pillows up for hide and seek, rolling, romping and other forms of physical play are a great way to create connection in moments of high tension.  Sometimes all you need is a 10-minute pillow fight to get those tensions out and have fun together. There are times when picking up your baby, or even your two or three year old and spinning him around is the ideal way to press the “reset” button on your interaction.  Of course with any type of physical play, and especially with spinning and tickling, you always want to check in with your child to make sure they’re actually enjoying themselves and having fun.  The idea here is to create connection, not to create laughter at any cost.  Physical play should be a trust BUILDING activity for you and your kids, but if you’re not tuning in to them, it can also damage trust.

5)    Forget yourself- Acting like you can’t remember things or are unable to understand things is a great way to create fun and laughter when you’re about to lose it.  Just try giving in to your desire to turn off your brain, but let your kids revel in the joy of being smarter, having a better memory, and generally being more mentally acute than you are right now.  You’ll be amazed at how willing they’ll be to help YOU into the car, rather than the other way around.

I would love to know if any of these strategies have worked for you.  Please share your experience in the comment box below.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly