Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

But there was something in the article that I did agree with. The author said that overcoming a challenge provides a boost in confidence for young people.  I agree entirely.  She also wrote about the fact that Chinese mothers are willing to spend hours and hours tutoring, drilling, and helping their children with challenging lessons.  And I began to wonder, are we western mothers willing to do the same?  Would I sit down with my daughter for as long as it took her to learn her multiplication tables?  To be perfectly honest, I had to answer “maybe.”

As I considered the subject further I realized that I do know lots of parents who I think rely too heavily on computers and television to teach their children.   What if we were to take our American ingenuity and work ethic and apply it to the job of teaching our kids?

Your challenge this week is to get down in the trenches with your child and really support him in the skill or ability he’s most struggling with.  By being physically present as he struggles, you’ll let him know that you’re there to support him.  You can encourage, help, and model for him, and then sit back and watch him work.  Try not to be too chatty as your child tries to concentrate, just be present and available to help if he asks.

If you’re not sure what skill your child is struggling with, then start by asking other people who know your child.  Often teachers or childcare providers can give you fascinating new insights into your child.  Next, observe your child for a day or so and finally, come up with a few activities you think your child can do, but that will be somewhat challenging.

Now the real fun begins.  Pay attention to the ways you encourage your child.  Notice the urge to do it for her as soon as she gets frustrated.  And make a commitment to help and support your child in learning to do it herself.  Remember that learning is a process that can take time, so don’t expect your child to master tying his shoes the first day.  Instead, expect the new skill to develop over a period of days and even weeks.

Also, be aware that many young people will revert after learning a new skill, especially if they are extra tired or upset about something.  Practicing patience and being a yes to whatever is happening will help you weather the storm together.  “Wow, you were able to do that yesterday, but today it seems even harder!  I believe in you.  I know you can do it.  And I’m here to help if you need me.”

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!  Please share your experiences with us by leaving a comment.

Have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

At first I felt offended and wondered if snot removal was all she thought I was good for.  And then I settled in to a deeper realization that motherhood is millions of acts of service, some enormous (like giving birth) and some small (like taking a slobbery apple core) but essentially, I will give of myself to the best of my ability for as long as my child needs me.  I also realized that I should enjoy this time when my child is small and needs me so much, because I know that one of the most challenging acts of service lies ahead–letting go.

So for now, I’ll try to enjoy being a human tissue and later I’ll do my best to be a wastebasket with a smile so that eventually when my child no longer needs me as fiercely, I’ll be able to let go with the fond memories of a time when she couldn’t even sit up or tie her shoes.

As I thought about it more I realized that I could be my child’s wastebasket in more than one way.  Sure, like every mother, I will have a plastic baggie full of garbage in my purse at all times.  But I can also be a receptacle for her emotional boogers and garbage too.

So, I made a commitment to her and to myself that I would be willing to hold space for her to feel whatever comes up, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it might seem.  I will listen to her cry and rage and spew venom, and I’ll do it gladly and with grace most of the time, I hope.

I’ve been watching the Showtime series Dexter, which is not recommended for the faint of heart.  It’s about a serial killer protagonist (I know, weird, huh?).  But the thing I’m enjoying the most about it right now is the moments during the series when Dexter feels seen by someone and not judged.

He describes a monster inside him, his dark passenger, but when someone accepts him fully, he doesn’t feel like such a monster.  I think that in a way we all feel like Dexter.  We each have things we don’t love about ourselves, dark secrets or past deeds we’re ashamed of.  But when we practice real unconditional love, we love and accept our children, and ourselves, even in the face of the “unacceptable”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I won’t set clear and appropriate limits and have understood standards of behavior in my household.  It’s just that within my boundaries there will be space for my daughter’s darkness, hurt, anger, and upset, just as I will always have a place for her to drop off her already chewed gum if there isn’t another wastebasket around.

I’m committed to being the best, most loving human tissue and wastebasket I can be for my daughter, and I invite you to join me.  Together we can create a more beautiful world in which all of the parts of ourselves can be loved and celebrated, not just the pretty parts.

I would love to hear about your own experiences of holding space for your child’s big emotions.  Please leave me a comment below!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

Sometimes we think fighting is just “what kids (or adults) do,” rather than a way we engage when our needs aren’t getting met. I prefer to think of engaging peacefully as “what we do,” and that when we get off track, we can use a hand to get back to a place of connection.

I remember when my son was about three, his dad was in a bread-making phase. Sometimes I liked the results, and sometimes I didn’t. While at the local farmer’s market, my son and I found a particularly yummy loaf of walnut bread, and brought it home discreetly. When his dad saw it, he became incredulous.

“Bread??? You BOUGHT bread!?!?!?”

Canaan felt the tension here. I’ll never forget his response. He raised his body up, opened his arms to the two of us, and proclaimed,

“We all eat bread! There’s farmer’s market bread, and Da-da’s bread, and all kinds of bread to eat.”

Well, shall we let a thousand flowers bloom, or what?

I see this as his attempt to introduce a larger perspective, or “third side,” to his dad’s and my moment of polarization. Sometimes all this takes is showing up with a loving, aware presence.

I remember my stepmother discovering the term “triangualation” in the 80’s, and telling me it was “toxic.” She was referring to one person getting into, or in between two other people who were having a difficult time, creating a “triangle” of three people. Unfortunately, this was the only term in our universe at that time to describe a third person entering into an interaction with two others. There was no positive way to describe a third side to an entanglement.

Today, as a mediator and lifetime student of conflict resolution, I see many ways a third person can show up in a family and help to ease tensions for the other two or more people who are having a hard time to make things easier. This is something humans do intuitively, even when the results aren’t optimal. Kids do it, too, as my son demonstrated above.

Below I’ll outline some “business as usual” ways of intervening—examples from my own childhood, and what I still see around me—that don’t meet my needs for connection and respect. Then I’ll suggest some alternatives that do meet my needs for connection and respect.

Business-as-usual interventions

1 – Demand that the interaction stop. My sister and I used to get that a lot. “Would you kids just stop fighting!?”

2 – Interpret the scenario, and explain who deserves what.  “You grabbed the toy from her, so now you can wait until she finishes pummeling it.”

3 – Take over the interaction. “Okay, give me the toy, you obviously can’t share it peacefully. You can have it back in ten minutes.”

I can see any of these interventions as strategies for adults to find peace in the family. I’ve used some versions of these myself.

However, in the long run, since none of these relates to what’s going on inside the participants, or involves them in the decision-making process, I see them as merely directing traffic rather than connecting or empowering. Sometimes we do that just to get by. If we can supplant a significant part of our traffic direction with family mediation that connects and empowers, we can help to build trust and skills within our family so that the next time, the young ones (or the adults) may have more tools in their toolbox to work out the conflict themselves.

Here are some ways to intervene that do meet my needs for connection and respect:

1 – Say what you’re hearing said, and ask the other party to reflect it back. “I just heard Malika say she didn’t want to play that game any more—could you tell me what you heard her say?” Then give the other side equal time, and help the first person hear them, too.

2 – Say what you’re seeing or hearing, how you feel, what you need, and what you’d like. “When I hear the sound of your voices right now, I feel anxious. I need peace. Would you be willing to play in the other room, or at least keep your voices down if you want to stay in here? (In fairness, this is a lot harder than it sounds.)

3 – Guess at what each person is feeling. “Chong, it looks like you’re feeling sad. Are you wanting to play with Paulina and Sandip?” “Paulina, were you enjoying what you were doing, and having a hard time figuring out how to include Chong?”

4 – Ask for cooperation in a peaceful solution. “Joseph, would you be willing to let Sasha know when you’re done with the Wii? Sasha, would you like to help me with making the cookies until then?”

If you can do part of the above, you may be able to use your position as the “third side” of the conflict to change the tone of an interaction from antagonistic to respectful. And, like contention, even a little peace in a family can go a long way.

Please let us know how it works out!

And have a great week, Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you.  He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents.  In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so.  Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth!  When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.

Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language.  He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”.  Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”.  Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own!  Wow, what an exciting discovery.

A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice

Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power.  She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation.  Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home.  This is a huge step in social development.  She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own.  And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us.  Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!

If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal.  Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before.  Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.

Easier said than done, right?  But you can do it, with some support, clear goals, and very rigid consistency (just for now) you’ll have a little helper around the house before you know it.  This will end up meeting your own needs for contribution and order while meeting her needs for autonomy and responsibility.  (end of excerpt)

As you can imagine, it’s incredibly frustrating for your child to be developing such a strong will at the same time as he is unable to verbalize what’s happening for him.  So, as a parent of a child in this age group, your biggest challenge is to meet your child with compassion, understanding, and lots and lots of patience.

Because although your child is understanding a whole new level of complexity of social dynamics, any time we learn any new skill, we can understand lots more than we can effectively express.  Hence the tantrums you are bound to experience with this age group.  You can see some ideas about how to handle tantrums lovingly at my blog on that topic: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/how-to-handle-tantrums/

Please share a story or comment about your own experiences you’re your child’s development of will and what happened in your family as a result.

Have a fantastic week!

Watching newborn infants lead the way at breastfeeding reminded me of one of the foundations of Maria Montessori’s groundbreaking educational philosophies; follow the child.  Montessori asserted that children have an innate desire to learn and if we follow their lead, they will enjoy learning, retain more information, and continue to seek out even more knowledge.

But following the child doesn’t just work to help kids develop their intellect, it also helps them to find their power and leadership skills.  When we allow children to be in charge and take the lead, they will often surprise us with their creativity and take us in directions we never expected.

For instance, kids who are feeling powerless and frustrated about it will often make up games than involve enslaving their brothers, sisters, parents, or other adults.  It’s how they work out their frustrations about being a kid and how they learn to understand what it’s like to be in charge.

I’ve found that by allowing children to lead the way during some specifically designated child led play-time, kids become better able to cooperate and connect for the rest of the day.

I’ve even had experiences where I wasn’t sure why a child was grumpy or defiant and when I allowed the child to lead the play, I soon discovered what was really bothering them.  Kids have an amazing ability to work out their emotional challenges through play, but they have to be allowed the time, space, and attention to do so effectively.

Have you ever walked by your child’s room and heard him in pretend play with his dinosaurs, “Now Danny, you have to eat your broccoli, green vegetables are good for your body.”  “But Daaaad, I don’t waaant to eat it, it’s yucky!”  “If you don’t eat your veggies you won’t grow up to be big and strong like me.”  “OK, I’ll eat them, but can I have some cheese on them?”  Or you may have noticed your daughter bossing around her dolls, “Get in your stroller right this minute young lady or I will have to take away your candy.”

Your challenge this week is to observe and play along with your child in activities or games that he or she has created.  See what you can notice about what kind of play your child is most drawn to and reflect on how that might be an indication of what she’s experiencing in every day life.   Is your child free, creative and lighthearted or angry and destructive?  Consider how you can support your child in working out emotional challenges through child-led play on a daily or weekly basis.

And if you have one, please share a story below about your own experiences of child-led play.  I would love to know what it’s been like for you!

Warmly, Shelly

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys?  I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here.  We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed.  So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate.  Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists.  You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on.  And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting?  And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it?  I think empathy is a key here.  When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked.  I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like.  But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening.  When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly.  And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier.

So, instead of resisting when June wouldn’t put her shoes on, I consciously tried not to force the issue, nor did I get frustrated with her procrastination.  Instead, I said something like, “Wow, it’s time to go and I asked you to put your shoes on 15 minutes ago.  It looks like you are enjoying the book you’re reading so much that you lost track of time.  OK, well I’ll be waiting in the car and we’ll leave when you have your shoes on.  By the way, you’re welcome to bring your book with you to the doctor’s office.”

What if she retorts with, “But I don’t WANT to go to the doctor, I HATE going to the doctor”.  Empathy again.  “I hear you.  Going to the doctor is no fun.  In fact maybe it’s even a little scary.  Are you concerned you might have to get a shot?”  “Yeah, the last time we went, I got a shot and it really hurt!”  “Yes, shots do hurt.  Well, hopefully you won’t need a shot today.  I don’t know for sure, but I’m wondering, is there anything that would help you feel better about going to the doctor today?”  “Ice cream?!”  “Hmmm, so you think some ice cream would help you feel better.  Well, let’s get going and we can talk more in the car about what will help you feel good about going to the doctor.”

At this point, I would come up with some alternate ideas of things that might help her feel better, especially if ice cream is a strategy I don’t feel good about.  I might suggest singing some songs or some extra hugs and downtime afterward.  And then the two of us would come up with a strategy that we can agree on.  Because throughout the exchange I never resisted her thoughts, ideas, or suggestions, but accepted them and put real consideration into what she shared, she’s willing to work with me to figure out something that will work for both of us.  This is an example of practicing a “power with” vs. a “power over” approach to parenting.  I’ll write more about “power with” and “power over” in future blogs.

Have a wonderful week and I hope to see you again here next week!  Warmly, Shelly

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101.  You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: http://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you.  When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”.  “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter.  Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body.  Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right.   This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?”  This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective.

M:  “So John, how are you feeling?”

J:  “I don’t know,” looks away.

M:  “Are you feeling upset?”

J:  “Yeah, I guess”

M:  “So, you’re feeling pretty upset, huh?”

J:  “Well, actually, I’m mad at Tom”

M:  “Oh, you’re mad at Tom. Is that right?”

J:  “Yeah.”

M:  “What else?”

J:  “Well, he said he’s not my friend anymore and that hurt my feelings.”

M:  “Oh, so when Tom said he’s not your friend anymore, your feelings were hurt.”

J: “Yeah.”

At this point Mom might acknowledge John’s feelings, letting him know that it’s OK to feel what he feels and she’s glad he’s shared his inner world with her.  This lets John know that his feelings matter and it’s OK to feel exactly what he does. He learns that his mom cares about him and is available to empathize with him.  She may ask more questions about what happened with Tom, but she’s careful not to push John or to be overly invasive. She maintains her genuine curiosity throughout the exchange, but is able to let go when John is finished sharing.

Sometimes it’s challenging to remain curious.  For instance, if we already think we know what happened, we might assume a child is being deceptive if her story doesn’t match up with what we think we know.  But if we can remain curious, and really try to understand her point of view, rather than asserting our own, we become a LOT more available for connection and kids naturally feel more safe, secure, and willing to share.  Letting go of our assumptions is a huge key to getting in touch with genuine curiosity.

I’m super curious about your own experiences with checking in and getting curious and how it has created connection (or not) for you.

Please share some of your experiences, or ask follow up questions below.  I read every single comment and try to respond to most of them.  I really appreciate you being here and hope to see you here week after week.

Have a wonderful day, Shelly