What’s it like to be a 2-4 year old? (an excerpt from my soon to be released ebook!)

As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you.  He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents.  In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so.  Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth!  When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.

Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language.  He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”.  Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”.  Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own!  Wow, what an exciting discovery.

A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice

Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power.  She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation.  Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home.  This is a huge step in social development.  She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own.  And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us.  Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!

If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal.  Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before.  Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.

Easier said than done, right?  But you can do it, with some support, clear goals, and very rigid consistency (just for now) you’ll have a little helper around the house before you know it.  This will end up meeting your own needs for contribution and order while meeting her needs for autonomy and responsibility.  (end of excerpt)

As you can imagine, it’s incredibly frustrating for your child to be developing such a strong will at the same time as he is unable to verbalize what’s happening for him.  So, as a parent of a child in this age group, your biggest challenge is to meet your child with compassion, understanding, and lots and lots of patience.

Because although your child is understanding a whole new level of complexity of social dynamics, any time we learn any new skill, we can understand lots more than we can effectively express.  Hence the tantrums you are bound to experience with this age group.  You can see some ideas about how to handle tantrums lovingly at my blog on that topic: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/how-to-handle-tantrums/

Please share a story or comment about your own experiences you’re your child’s development of will and what happened in your family as a result.

Have a fantastic week!

This week I watched a fascinating video about baby led breastfeeding.  It showed newborn, days old, and months old infants maneuvering themselves into a good nursing position with very little help from their mothers.  Babies were deliberate in their movements bobbing and clearly searching for the nipple.  And, when they found it on their own, many mothers reported that the latch was more comfortable than it had been when they had tried to help their babies find the nipple.  What an incredible innate ability babies have!

Watching newborn infants lead the way at breastfeeding reminded me of one of the foundations of Maria Montessori’s groundbreaking educational philosophies; follow the child.  Montessori asserted that children have an innate desire to learn and if we follow their lead, they will enjoy learning, retain more information, and continue to seek out even more knowledge.

But following the child doesn’t just work to help kids develop their intellect, it also helps them to find their power and leadership skills.  When we allow children to be in charge and take the lead, they will often surprise us with their creativity and take us in directions we never expected.

For instance, kids who are feeling powerless and frustrated about it will often make up games than involve enslaving their brothers, sisters, parents, or other adults.  It’s how they work out their frustrations about being a kid and how they learn to understand what it’s like to be in charge.

I’ve found that by allowing children to lead the way during some specifically designated child led play-time, kids become better able to cooperate and connect for the rest of the day.

I’ve even had experiences where I wasn’t sure why a child was grumpy or defiant and when I allowed the child to lead the play, I soon discovered what was really bothering them.  Kids have an amazing ability to work out their emotional challenges through play, but they have to be allowed the time, space, and attention to do so effectively.

Have you ever walked by your child’s room and heard him in pretend play with his dinosaurs, “Now Danny, you have to eat your broccoli, green vegetables are good for your body.”  “But Daaaad, I don’t waaant to eat it, it’s yucky!”  “If you don’t eat your veggies you won’t grow up to be big and strong like me.”  “OK, I’ll eat them, but can I have some cheese on them?”  Or you may have noticed your daughter bossing around her dolls, “Get in your stroller right this minute young lady or I will have to take away your candy.”

Your challenge this week is to observe and play along with your child in activities or games that he or she has created.  See what you can notice about what kind of play your child is most drawn to and reflect on how that might be an indication of what she’s experiencing in every day life.   Is your child free, creative and lighthearted or angry and destructive?  Consider how you can support your child in working out emotional challenges through child-led play on a daily or weekly basis.

And if you have one, please share a story below about your own experiences of child-led play.  I would love to know what it’s been like for you!

Warmly, Shelly

I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids.  Let me allay your fears.  Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class.  It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things.  This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives.  In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study?  Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me.  I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them.  As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person.  I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?!  When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective.  You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment.  Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them!  And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids.  When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice.  It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself.  Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it.  Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

Reading to your kids is a crucially important part of your job as a parent.  And sometimes story time can begin to fall through the cracks of our busy lives.  So this week, I’m writing about the many reasons story time is such an important part of parenting.  I’m hoping to re-inspire you to commit to a daily story time for your kids whether they’re one-year-old, six, or twelve.

My parents all helped to teach me a love of reading that has enriched my life immensely.  My mom and dad read to me every night before bed when I was very young.  My step-mom read me “Little Women” over the course of several months when I was nine.  My mom read chapter books to my brother and me as my step-dad drove us miles and miles on our family vacations.  And in junior high and high school when I showed an interest in science fiction, my step dad turned me on to Douglas Adams.

Let’s explore how reading to your children at various ages supports their growth and development:

As a baby and toddler, your little one is picking up language skills at a phenomenal rate.  Reading to young people helps them increase their vocabulary, understand the parts of language, and learn the rules of English (if that’s your primary language).  There is nothing else you can do that has more of an impact on your child’s future ability to read and learn than a daily story time.  I recommend at least 30min. a day of reading together even with children as young as five or six months old.

When you point to objects and name them, your toddler can quickly learn to identify many more objects than he can verbalize.  Try asking your pre-verbal little one to point to the ball or shoe and you’ll be amazed at how much he can comprehend, even before he can speak.

As your child grows, story time becomes a bonding, connected time that your child can count on.  The emotional security that can grow from taking the time to sit down and read together is truly priceless.  It lets your child know first that she’s important to you and second, that reading and learning are fun.

And by pointing to the words on the page as you read, you’re helping her learn to recognize words.  Before you know it, she’ll be sight reading several words just because she’s had the repetition of hearing the word and seeing it on the page so many times before.

By using story time as a time to discuss moral lessons, develop problem-solving skills, and improve comprehension, you can have a deeply meaningful conversation with your child every day.  You can discover more about who your child is and what he values by asking questions about the story.  “Why do you think Peter told everyone there was a wolf when there really wasn’t?” or “How do you think Arthur is feeling right now?” and even, “Is there another way they could have done things that would have worked better?”

Young people can come up with some pretty creative solutions when given the opportunity to brainstorm with an open, accepting adult.  The depth of understanding and the creativity that children use to solve the problems with which I present them constantly amazes me.

As your child matures, you can begin to read chapter books together and have even more in-depth discussions about the characters, learning and understanding their motivations and even discussing moral conundrums.  “Do you think it was OK for Sally to steal food for her brothers and sisters?”

Even after your child is reading well on his own, he will still benefit from being read to for as long as he enjoys it.  And when he’s ready to transition to reading on his own for most of the time, you can each read the same book and discuss it afterward.

There’s no doubt in my mind that my ability to read well, comprehend easily, do well in school and become a good test taker were all a result of my parents’ commitment to the written word.  But that’s not the most compelling reason to read to your kids.  Imagine your favorite books and how deeply they’ve impacted you.  Think about that super funny novel you read last week or the newspaper article that shocked you and seemed to turn your world upside down.   Now imagine a world without those pleasures and surprises.  Are you ready to re-commit to a daily story time yet?    I sure hope so!

Have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

In my parenting coaching I get a lot of questions from parents about how to discipline effectively and what to do instead of time-outs, spanking, yelling and other common discipline tactics.

When I think about the word “discipline” I think it sets up a disconnecting power dynamic where I’m in charge all of the time and the kids in my life must do what I say, or “behave”, and submit to my dominance.

On the other hand, without any “discipline” I imagine complete chaos and no sense of leadership.  So, instead of discipline, I like to talk about setting boundaries.

We all need boundaries whether with ourselves, our parents, children, employers or employees.  It’s healthy to have and keep clear boundaries, but somehow, many of us have never learned to recognize, implement, and maintain healthy boundaries.

I just read the novel “The Undomestic Goddess” by Sophie Kinsella.  It was a fun read but what struck me the most about it was how few boundaries the main character had at the beginning of the book.  Samantha was a high-powered lawyer at a leading law firm.  She was going for partner and as a result, she was available to her law firm 24/7.  No kidding.  The woman couldn’t even put her blackberry down for an hour to get a massage!  She was the epitome of someone without any healthy boundaries and without a life of her own.  Instead, she was completely owned by her law firm!

Do you ever feel owned by your kids and family?  Have you forgotten to set boundaries and maintain a healthy sense of self?  Well this week it’s time to turn it around.  Take a moment right now to make a list of the times in the past week or so when your boundaries were crossed.  These could be moments when you felt helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, or trapped.  List at least 3-5 moments right now…

OK, now take a look at your list.  What were the boundaries that got crossed?  What needs of yours weren’t being met during the incident?  What is a possible solution that would clearly express your boundary?  Often, when we’re not in the habit of expressing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we may not even know what the boundaries are until they’ve been trampled on.  Here’s an example of two incidents including boundaries, unmet needs, and possible solutions from my own experience with kids:

Incident:  When Derek (7yo) said to me, “You’re so mean, I hate it when you come to our house!”

Boundary: Hurtful communication is not acceptable

Unmet needs: respect and kindness

Solution: Tell Derek, “You may not speak to me that way, I hear that you’re frustrated, but next time you can say, ‘I’m frustrated’ instead of ‘You’re mean and I hate it when you come over’.  Now I need some space because I’m feeling sad and hurt by what you said.  Please go in the other room for five minutes so I can take care of myself.”

Incident:  Seth (18mo.) throws food from his highchair

Boundary:  Cleaning up other people’s messes is not OK with me

Unmet needs:  order, cleanliness, freedom

Solution:  Tell Seth, “It’s not OK to throw food, when you throw your food it tells me that you’re finished eating.”  Take away the rest of Seth’s food.  “Now it’s time to clean up the mess you made.  Here’s a bowl, please collect the food from the floor and put it into this bowl so we can throw it away.”  Stay nearby and watch to be sure Seth gets all of the food.

In each of these examples I was able to set a clear boundary and stick to it.  And in each case, the young person involved conformed to my boundary.  That’s not to say that they didn’t resist, but when I was clear and consistent with the boundaries, they eventually got into alignment with me.

One of the most important aspects of setting clear boundaries with kids is that we maintain composure during the interaction.  If we’re too angry, upset, hurt, or punitive, then our boundaries just feel like punishments.  But when you can maintain your calm and be clear and consistent without freaking out, kids will often become much more cooperative and able to respect your boundaries.

Have some more questions about setting healthy boundaries with your kids?  Please leave a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny?  I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old.  And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing.  Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own.  It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen.  But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl.  They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath.  Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop.  They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall.   Amazing, right?!

I mean we’ve all been there when a one year old launched herself off of the couch straight into the coffee table, hurting herself, crying loudly, and needing consolation.  But, how hurt was she really?  And is that something that our repeated refrain of, “Be careful!” will actually prevent?

I think that there’s a reason that childhood comes with some bumps and bruises.  We’re learning our boundaries, our physical skills, and how to use our bodies.  The thing I find fascinating is that young children learn from these experiences and know how to keep themselves safe in the future!

In the book “the Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff she talks about how amazed she was that the people in the native tribe she was observing never told their children to be careful or watch out.  Instead, they trusted their kids to keep themselves safe even while hiking up a steep mountain or playing near a huge pit.  They allowed older children to care for younger children, comforted kids when THEY initiated contact, and in general, kept to their adult tasks, allowing kids to direct themselves.

In our generation of “helicopter parenting” I think we can learn a lot from the tribe Liedloff observed.  Trusting kids to know their own limits is often the best way to encourage self-directed, confident, assured young people to learn and grow at their own pace.

So, this week, notice any tendencies you might have to hover, give extra direction or advice, or warn your kids about dangers that they’re already well aware of.  Try taking a step back and observe how skilled your children really are at taking care of themselves and each other.  And then, let them know how much you enjoy and appreciate how much you can trust them.

And don’t forget to have a fabulous week!  Warmly, Shelly

It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids.  They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries.  As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).

How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time.  Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it.  So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”

When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior.  Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.

So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people.  Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”

Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want.  When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things.  But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t address big instances of behavior that concerns you.  You certainly can talk to your child about hitting, lying or other behaviors that don’t work for you.  Just remember to put a positive spin on things, letting your child know exactly what he or she can do in the future that you will enjoy and appreciate.  And then, be sure to notice those efforts and offer some positive feedback.  “Wow, I see you’ve cleaned up that milk you spilled without me even asking!  Thank you so much!”

You can absolutely talk with your child about your concerns about her lying, letting her know that you’re worried and you really want to be able to believe her and trust that she’s telling you the truth.  Just remember to put more emphasis on what you want than on what you didn’t enjoy.  And be sure to really let her know that you appreciate her efforts when you do notice a change in behavior.

One more note about lying, the earlier you can catch it and the more levity you can have about it, the more likely your child is to give it up.  So, rather than having a stern conversation about a little white lie, you might choose to joke with her, saying, “Are you SURE that dog was purple?  I don’t know, I think it might have been green.”  Try your best to save the stern conversations for the lies that deeply concern you and then be sure to tell her exactly how she can rebuild any trust that was damaged.

A few more examples of ways you can turn things around:

Instead of “Stop fighting with your brother!”, try “Remember loving kindness” or at a time when your kids are getting along great, “Wow, I love it when you two take such good care of each other.”

Instead of “No grabbing!” try, “Hmmm, let’s practice sharing…what can I share with you?  What can you share with your sister?”

Instead of “Don’t fall!” or “You’re going to hurt yourself!” try, “Listen your body and take good care of yourself, I trust you.”

I hope these examples are helpful for you and I’d love to hear about your own experiences of focusing on what you DO want.  How is it working for you?  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.

This game can be modified for ages 1-7.  For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again.  The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored.  You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?”  You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child.  “Great!  Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?”  When they’ve brought it, “Thanks!  Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book?  The one about the white mitten?”

Another tack is to ask something like, “Can you find something on the living room floor that doesn’t belong there?” and when they bring it, “I wonder where that belongs…”

If you have letter or number magnets on the refrigerator, “Do you see a blue letter R?” and if you don’t, “Can you find a butterfly magnet?”

When your kids are even older, “Can you find the ¾” wrench? I think it’s in the tool box in the garage” or “Can you help me find the oregano?” or even, “Can you find a toy mammal with hooves?”

When kids play the “find it” game, they feel joyful because they’re able to contribute in some way.  They also often feel proud because they were able to find the specific object you’ve asked for or because they figured out a puzzle (in the case of “find an orange circle” or a similar task).

I would love to hear about the find it games at your house.  Is this something you already play with your child or is it a new idea for you?  Please share your thoughts below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly