This week’s guest blog is by Kendra:

My 14-month old son, Trent, has recently developed a new scream so incredibly grating that it defies description.  It’s times like these that I am glad I have a mindfulness practice.

When I was in my early 20’s I lived in a Zen monastery for several years.  Back then, mindfulness meant hours & hours of seated meditation and spending most of my time in silence & contemplation.  Mindfulness meant bowing silently to my fellow monks instead of mindlessly asking, “hey, how you doing?” & raking the courtyard with such precision that every rake mark was parallel.

Once I left the monastery & moved to San Francisco, I meditated occasionally, I did some yoga, I tried to be mindful…but LIFE was always getting in the way:  there was a business to build, parties to go to, friends to meet, and email to respond to.  Who had the time to sit down and do nothing for an hour?!?!?

My son started re-teaching me mindfulness before he was even born:  I had to take the time to make healthy meals, I had to remember to drink water, I had to take daily walks, and I had to get 8 hours of sleep every night – if I didn’t take care of myself, he let me know by way of nausea, headaches, full-body aches, and complete & utter exhaustion, this was not OK.  He was teaching me to slow down, to listen, to silently bow to my experience instead of always being off to the next thing.

One of my yoga teachers has a saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” And she’s not talking about money.  Trent was teaching the value of paying upfront; the beauty of living life in the moment (and not having to worry when my credit would catch up to me).

For parents, the question remains:  who has the time to sit still & do nothing for an hour?!?!?

And, so, my son is my mindfulness practice.

I can’t tell you how many times I have responded to my son’s subtle cues with an absent-minded, “Hold on – I just need to do one more thing”, only to have him completely lose it at the most inopportune time.  Pay me now, or pay me later…

Mindfulness no longer looks like hours of silence, but, rather, bringing the same level of attention to Trent’s endless babbling.  And, when I take the time to listen -REALLY listen- I have never heard anything so beautiful.

Instead of returning (over & over) to my breath, I return (over & over & over) to the game of how-many-blocks-can-Mommy-stack-before-Trent-knocks-them-all-down.  I no longer have the time (nor the inclination) to rake symmetrical patterns in gravel, but I do know how much better I feel when I am present & aware as I pick up the toys & the blocks, and put the books back on the shelf (for the fifth time today); when I am there to notice how soft this stuffed lemur is & how beautiful these stacking blocks that build a redwood tree are & how sweet it is that this book belonged to me when I was the baby.

And, then, how much more available I am to be with my son when he turns with the sweetest of gazes & says, “Mamma.”  There is nowhere else I would rather be.

One specific practice I really love is Baby (or Child) Meditation:  choose a five to ten minute spot during the day when you can turn off your phone & the computer, when you don’t need to eat or prepare food, when no one needs help with their homework, etc.  Then go to where your child is & simply give them your full attention.  And notice:  notice how their body moves, what sounds they make, how your body feels as you witness them, what emotions and/or thoughts come up for you.  Notice them, and let them go.  Breathe.

(Of course, if they engage you, feel free to respond, but don’t initiate contact.  The purpose is not the play with your child, but to offer them your wide witnessing gaze, that offers no judgment & demands nothing in return.)

I would love to know about your experiences of parenting as a mindfulness practice.

Have a good week,

Kendra Cunov
Co-founder of AuthenticWorld
Mom of Trent, 14 months old
http://butwhohasthetime.blogspot.com/

This week’s guest blog is by Mindy:

After I had my first baby my neighbor told me that I can no longer call it “going on vacation” if kids are involved, and that she refers to it as traveling or taking a trip.  It took me a couple years and many attempts at vacationing with kids to fully grasp what she meant.

A vacation implies a break, and traveling with young kids, especially more than one, is anything but that.  In fact, in nearly every way it is more difficult, more work, and more exhausting than staying home .  Labeling the trip as a vacation is really just setting yourself up for disappointment as it seems even more painful to be up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or time-zone-wacked toddler when you’re paying $200 a night for the “experience” in lodging alone.

Here are some things that have helped add a little vacation to our trips:

Travel with extended family

Of course, this only works if you have family you like enough to be around AND they are good with your kids.  But if you really think about it, you probably have at least someone who qualifies.  Maybe a niece who likes kids and would love a free place to stay by the beach?

BK (before kids) I never would have considered bringing my mother along for a beach vacation with my husband as it would completely cramp the intimacy and probably drive me crazy, but now she’s the only hope we have of intimacy and I’m making it an annual thing!

If you’re inviting relatives, it’s best to be clear about everyone’s expectations up front (before booking the trip) including the financial side.  If you are want help with the kids you need to make a clear request, such as “My husband and I can really use some alone time to reconnect, would you be willing to you watch the kids for two afternoons and one evening while we go out?”

Other Help

If you really can’t fathom the idea of vacationing with ANYONE you have a blood relationship with, seriously consider forking out the money to take along a babysitter or nanny.  Some people will be happy to come along and provide a certain number of childcare hours as a trade if you are paying for part or all of their trip, especially if they can bring a friend or significant other.  For us, it means we take far less vacations because they are more expensive when we’re paying for additional people, but since it’s so much more of a vacation WITH the help it’s worth it.

The holy grail of help is traveling where there are other kids for your kids to play with, so if there is any way to orchestrate this by traveling with another family (and perhaps bringing and splitting the cost of a nanny) go for it!

Minimize changing locations

Everyone will probably be happier if you stay at one place for 9 days than 3 places for 3 days.   Kids need a couple days to get in a rhythm at a new place and figure out how and what to play, what the sleeping arrangements are, and really feel comfortable.  If you are changing locations every couple days the kids are more likely to act out.

Multiple rooms

You’ll want at least two rooms and at least one of them to get pretty dark so your child doesn’t wake up at the crack of dawn local time just because it’s too bright in the room.  The multiple rooms is worth the extra cash, even if everyone is sharing one bed, because you will need a place to hang out with your mate while the kids are (hopefully) napping or down early.

Kitchen or Kitchenette

You’ll probably more than save the money you pay for this extra in not having to eat out for every meal.  You’ll also have much more relaxed dining experiences and less hunger related meltdowns if you can just eat-on-demand in.

Family Friendly Resorts

I’ve found various resorts that cater to kids & families by offering activities for kids, childcare (either babysitters or daycare “kids clubs”, or both), kids pools with slides, kids food options, and so on.  I haven’t stayed at any of the places I’ve researched because we prefer smaller, B&B type places and our kids generally don’t go for being watched by people they don’t know, but these could be a godsend.

And… possibly most importantly…. Do Less

Getting everyone fed, dressed, and down the to beach or pool expends more than enough effort, why try to pack in that amusement park that they are probably too young  or old for anyway or is much too crowded? (Unless of course Grandma is taking them!)

It can take a day or two for the kids to adjust to having you around so much and so much unstructured time, but they’ll adjust and probably thrive on having endless open afternoons at the same beach, woods, park or just yard day after day.

Please share your wisdom and stories of how you have traveled with kids.

Mindy Ranney
www.ranney.com

About a year ago I read an interesting article in a magazine about a rat study that showed that rats that were deprived of sleep died sooner than rats that were deprived of food.  Wow, I knew sleep was important, but I had no idea that going without it could actually kill animals faster than going without food would.

Sleep deprivation makes a huge impact on all sorts of brain functions.   Recent studies have shown marked negative impacts on mood, cognitive performance and motor function in people who are sleep deprived.  One study I read stated that “profound neurocognitive deficits accumulate over time” in people who are deprived of sleep.

If you’re a parent, I know you’ve experienced sleep deprivation on some level.  It’s starting for me during the last month of pregnancy.  And I know my sleep will be disrupted for many months to come as I breastfeed through the night.

Even when your kids are older, they wake up in the middle of the night vomiting or they wet the bed or they have a nightmare they can’t shake.  And although it decreases as your kids get older, you’re likely to have some sleep deprivation when your kids are teenagers too, as you wait up for them or worry about them when they’re out at night.

So the question I propose is, what can we do about it?  How can we mitigate some of the effects of sleep deprivation so that we can feel good, keep our wits about us, drive safely, and cook dinner without cutting or burning ourselves?

I have a few ideas.  First, take naps.  I don’t know about you, but in order to feel good about taking naps I had to work through a lot of beliefs that napping is “lazy” or “unproductive”.  Now that I’ve seen the sleep deprivation research, I know that taking naps is neither lazy nor unproductive.  And if it keeps me in a good mood and helps me have better motor coordination, I’d say it’s a pretty good solution to missing sleep at night.

So now you’re thinking, “That’s great, but who can find the time?!”  Well, I’d say, it’s just like anything else in life, if it’s a high priority, you’ll make the time.  And if you’re grumpy with your kids and you’re noticing that you can’t think straight, I think napping could become a high priority pretty quickly.  You can nap when your kids nap, or take turns with your partner.  Or, you can all nap together as a family.  If you have kids who don’t want to nap, set them up with some quiet activities that they can do nearby and get some rest, or call a friend or sitter to come over and hang out with your kids while you nap.

Here’s another thought to help you get the sleep you need.  Cut out the caffeine! Caffeine feels like the perfect solution when you’re so tired you can’t even imagine running errands or doing paper work, but when we use caffeine we trick our bodies into thinking they have more energy than they actually have.  We also throw our cortisol levels out of whack which can affect blood sugar, and even brain function.  Cortisol is considered the “stress hormone”, so let’s leave that one out of the equation whenever possible.

Lastly, I recommend you discover out the amount of sleep that works best for you and structure your life around getting it.  Often, we don’t know how much sleep we really need because we’re too busy doing what needs to be done to figure it out.  Sure, we all know that most people do well on 8 hours of sleep per night, but do you know how YOUR body best functions?

There was a short time when I worked only in the afternoons and I was able to get as much sleep as my body wanted.  I realized over the course of a few months  that 9 hours of sleep per night is the amount that’s right for me.  When I get 9 hours of sleep, I wake up easily, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.   And when I get less than 9 hours, I feel tired and grumpy, especially when I get less than 9 hours for several days in a row.

Now I structure my life around getting the sleep I need, and as a result I enjoy my life so much more!  So, consider that the “8 hours of sleep per night” is just a guideline and see what you can do to restructure your life so that you get as much sleep as you need.  I guarantee you’ll be a better parent as a result.

And, if you’re curious about the amount of sleep your child needs, I highly recommend “The No-cry Sleep Solution” books by Elizabeth Pantley.  You might be surprised how many of the things you think of as behavior problems or lack of coordination could actually be caused by sleep deprivation

Please share about your own experiences in the comment box below.  I always love to hear from you!

Have a restful week, Shelly

Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”.  We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated.  And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions.  When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else.  But there is!  We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

Parenting is a wonderful, but challenging, journey. No instruction manuals, no definitive “right” or “wrong” methods. And, of course, each child is different!

But for one special weekend (May 25-27) you can give yourself a break… while getting your parenting questions answered, brainstorming solutions and learning tips and techniques that work for today’s kids – toddlers to teens.

You can access all of the live workshops at this online parenting retreat at no charge! Click here to view more details

You will be able to participate online in over twenty interactive workshops given by professional parenting coaches, educators, and counselors. And if you have to miss any sessions, we’ve thought of that too…

…When you purchase a ticket, you’ll get audio recordings of *every single session*!

(There’s even a Spa Products giveaway for 35 lucky registrants – just so it will really feel like a weekend conference “getaway”.)

Tickets are just $77 from now until May 22^nd for the early-bird special. Then the price goes back to $97.  AFTER the retreat, the entire package will be available for purchase for $197, which is still a TREMENDOUS BARGAIN for 35 quality workshops and bonuses!!!

And remember, you can attend the live workshops for FREE.  You only pay if you want recordings of the sessions.

What sort of parenting issues will you be able to address?  Top parenting experts – each of whom has invested years of dedicated study in the field – will be there to share their wisdom about:

*Raising a confident and happy child able to be resilient to life’s challenges.

*Coping positively but effectively with disrespectful behavior and sassy attitudes.

*How to set your child up to make wise decisions and avoid dangerous behaviors.

*How to balance work and family – while still keeping your sanity!

*How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums–at any age—with me, Shelly Phillips!

I sure hope you’ll join me on May 25^th at 7pm Pacific time for my “How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums at any age” seminar.

Warm hugs, Shelly

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny?  I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old.  And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing.  Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender.  You have to be.  If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly!  Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is.  Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins.  But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already.  I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed.  And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth.  As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.”  Boy am I grateful for that CD!  Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa!  You’re ONLY 5 months?  You’re HUGE!”  But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth.  No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next.  And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years!   Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument.  They would go back and forth on a specific issue for a while and then when one of them was clearly proven “right” the other person would say, “Honey, you were right and I was wrong.”   My jaw would drop open in disbelief because they had been so adamant just moments before about their own position.  But when one would make that declaration to the other, I could feel the tension drain from the room.  I could see the “victor” completely relax and enjoy the victory, and the vanquished, gracefully accepting his or her defeat.  It was a beautiful moment of surrender.

Now in general, I tend to shy away from notions of “right” and “wrong” as much as possible because I often find the concepts of right and wrong to be very polarizing and upsetting.  But in the case of my mom and step-dad, through their ability to surrender, they found a way to honor one another’s opinion and remain connected.

I wonder if you’d be willing to practice this art with your kids this week.  Certainly there will be times when setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is what’s called for, but this week, keep an eye out for the times when a graceful surrender could be the most connecting choice.

I’d love to hear all about your experiences of the art of surrender.  Please share some with me in the space below.

Thanks!  And have a wonderful day, Shelly

It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids.  They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries.  As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).

How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time.  Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it.  So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”

When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior.  Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.

So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people.  Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”

Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want.  When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things.  But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t address big instances of behavior that concerns you.  You certainly can talk to your child about hitting, lying or other behaviors that don’t work for you.  Just remember to put a positive spin on things, letting your child know exactly what he or she can do in the future that you will enjoy and appreciate.  And then, be sure to notice those efforts and offer some positive feedback.  “Wow, I see you’ve cleaned up that milk you spilled without me even asking!  Thank you so much!”

You can absolutely talk with your child about your concerns about her lying, letting her know that you’re worried and you really want to be able to believe her and trust that she’s telling you the truth.  Just remember to put more emphasis on what you want than on what you didn’t enjoy.  And be sure to really let her know that you appreciate her efforts when you do notice a change in behavior.

One more note about lying, the earlier you can catch it and the more levity you can have about it, the more likely your child is to give it up.  So, rather than having a stern conversation about a little white lie, you might choose to joke with her, saying, “Are you SURE that dog was purple?  I don’t know, I think it might have been green.”  Try your best to save the stern conversations for the lies that deeply concern you and then be sure to tell her exactly how she can rebuild any trust that was damaged.

A few more examples of ways you can turn things around:

Instead of “Stop fighting with your brother!”, try “Remember loving kindness” or at a time when your kids are getting along great, “Wow, I love it when you two take such good care of each other.”

Instead of “No grabbing!” try, “Hmmm, let’s practice sharing…what can I share with you?  What can you share with your sister?”

Instead of “Don’t fall!” or “You’re going to hurt yourself!” try, “Listen your body and take good care of yourself, I trust you.”

I hope these examples are helpful for you and I’d love to hear about your own experiences of focusing on what you DO want.  How is it working for you?  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.

This game can be modified for ages 1-7.  For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again.  The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored.  You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?”  You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child.  “Great!  Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?”  When they’ve brought it, “Thanks!  Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book?  The one about the white mitten?”

Another tack is to ask something like, “Can you find something on the living room floor that doesn’t belong there?” and when they bring it, “I wonder where that belongs…”

If you have letter or number magnets on the refrigerator, “Do you see a blue letter R?” and if you don’t, “Can you find a butterfly magnet?”

When your kids are even older, “Can you find the ¾” wrench? I think it’s in the tool box in the garage” or “Can you help me find the oregano?” or even, “Can you find a toy mammal with hooves?”

When kids play the “find it” game, they feel joyful because they’re able to contribute in some way.  They also often feel proud because they were able to find the specific object you’ve asked for or because they figured out a puzzle (in the case of “find an orange circle” or a similar task).

I would love to hear about the find it games at your house.  Is this something you already play with your child or is it a new idea for you?  Please share your thoughts below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today.  I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time.  Sound familiar?  Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys?  I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here.  We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed.  So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate.  Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists.  You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on.  And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting?  And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it?  I think empathy is a key here.  When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked.  I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like.  But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening.  When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly.  And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier.

So, instead of resisting when June wouldn’t put her shoes on, I consciously tried not to force the issue, nor did I get frustrated with her procrastination.  Instead, I said something like, “Wow, it’s time to go and I asked you to put your shoes on 15 minutes ago.  It looks like you are enjoying the book you’re reading so much that you lost track of time.  OK, well I’ll be waiting in the car and we’ll leave when you have your shoes on.  By the way, you’re welcome to bring your book with you to the doctor’s office.”

What if she retorts with, “But I don’t WANT to go to the doctor, I HATE going to the doctor”.  Empathy again.  “I hear you.  Going to the doctor is no fun.  In fact maybe it’s even a little scary.  Are you concerned you might have to get a shot?”  “Yeah, the last time we went, I got a shot and it really hurt!”  “Yes, shots do hurt.  Well, hopefully you won’t need a shot today.  I don’t know for sure, but I’m wondering, is there anything that would help you feel better about going to the doctor today?”  “Ice cream?!”  “Hmmm, so you think some ice cream would help you feel better.  Well, let’s get going and we can talk more in the car about what will help you feel good about going to the doctor.”

At this point, I would come up with some alternate ideas of things that might help her feel better, especially if ice cream is a strategy I don’t feel good about.  I might suggest singing some songs or some extra hugs and downtime afterward.  And then the two of us would come up with a strategy that we can agree on.  Because throughout the exchange I never resisted her thoughts, ideas, or suggestions, but accepted them and put real consideration into what she shared, she’s willing to work with me to figure out something that will work for both of us.  This is an example of practicing a “power with” vs. a “power over” approach to parenting.  I’ll write more about “power with” and “power over” in future blogs.

Have a wonderful week and I hope to see you again here next week!  Warmly, Shelly