What other ways could you play this game?  Can you see how it can help kids learn colors, shapes, locations of things in your home, sizes, and so much more?!  I would love to hear how you would modify this game to best fit your child’s interests.  Please leave me a comment!

And, by the time you’re actually getting a good night’s sleep (except for the occasional accident or vomiting in the bed), they’re running around like crazy people and screaming, “Play with me! Play with me!” and wanting to go to the park and the pool and everywhere else they can think of.  Whew!  I feel tired just thinking about it.

I’ve heard some divorced parents admit that they’re actually relieved when they’re kids go to their co-parent’s house.  And now that I’m a parent myself, I can see why!  It really does take a village, doesn’t it?  I think we should all have statues erected in our honor if we survive parenthood long enough to see our adult children become exhausted parents.

As a kid, one of the things I never understood was why my parents didn’t have the energy to play with me all the time or take me wherever I wanted.  The idea that resting would be more fun than constant activity was a completely foreign concept.  I think the only time I was still was when I was mesmerized by the television or forced to sleep.

One of the things I loved about being a nanny for twins was that at least they always had each other to play with.  But the truth is, you can’t always just pawn off the littler kids with the bigger kids.  In fact, sometimes that creates more of a hassle than a help.

So, what do we do when we’re tuckered out and our kids are raring to go?  Well, I like to set them up with a self-directed activity and then sit nearby and read a book or rest while they are engaged in playing and learning at the same time.  Here’s a post I wrote a while back about some things kids can do mostly on their own.

There are tons of things that kids would love to do themselves, but often it feels like more work to let them.  Take cooking for instance.  Everyone I know loves to eat cookies.  And kids love to mix and bake them too.  Sure, they’re likely to make more of a mess than you would, but amazingly, they also often ENJOY cleaning up too!  I wrote a post about how to get kids to help with clean up too.

But, once you have them set up with an activity, the really challenging part begins.  We as parents must choose to take care of ourselves and actually REST, rather than jumping up to do another load of laundry or cleaning up after our kids while they’re still making a mess.  We need to learn to stop and take a break!

So, what can you do to maximize the 5-10min. window you have when the kids are happily engaged?  Here’s a list of some of my favorites:

1)     Close my eyes and take deep breaths (or meditate)

2)    Read a novel

3)    Take a bath

4)   Sit outside and watch the wind blowing through the trees

5)    Yoga

6)    Take a cat nap

7)    Smell the roses (literally)

What are the things that you could do to maximize the few minutes of restful time you can squeeze out of the day?  And how else do you deal with the exhaustion of parenting?  Please let me know, I could really use some help on this one!

Have a great week, Shelly

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

At Montessori school, we used the swings to help kids focus at least several times a week. I even activate my own vestibular system by doing somersaults whenever I’m feeling socially anxious. (So if we’re at a party together and I sneak into a back hallway for a moment, you know what I’m up to.) The thing is, it really works! After a few forward rolls, I feel so much happier and better able to engage and be social. If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it for yourself.

But I’m not writing this to help adults with their social anxiety, rather, I want young people who get labeled as “out of control” or informally called “adhd” to have solutions to anxiety, aggressiveness, or lack of focus that are easy, fun, and free of negative side effects. So, the next time you see your kids spinning in circles, remember that they’re self-regulating and it’s really good for their brains. Plus, it’s just fun and it feels good to spin around in circles!

For months now my daughter has enjoyed shaking her head back and forth. She’ll shake her head and then look up and smile. I usually join her just because it’s fun, but now I’m remembering that shaking our heads or moving our heads through space in other ways is actually crucial to brain health and wellbeing. The vestibular system needs input!

And, now that we humans spend less time running through the forest and more time sitting in front of screens, it’s even more important that we consciously choose to activate those systems.

So, your homework this week is to dance, wiggle, spin, jump, cartwheel, and swing with your kids. It’s good for everybody’s brain and it’s a great strategy to teach your child for times when he’s feeling worried, bored, or disconnected.

Have a fabulous week! Warmly, Shelly

So what’s the best way to handle a toddler’s tantrums?  One of my favorite tools for helping to calm infants is “The Happiest Baby on the Block” DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp.  There’s a book by the same title as well.  And apparently Dr. Karp had lots of parents asking him about how to handle toddler tantrums too, so he wrote a companion book and created another DVD called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”  It’s great stuff.

But just in case you don’t have time to read the book and watch the DVD yourself, I’ll give you an overview of his tips and techniques to reduce the frequency, length, and intensity of tantrums.

The first concept he introduces is the idea that toddlers are like little cave-people.  I really like this idea because it helps us understand who we’re really dealing with.  Toddlers are opinionated and very clear about their desires, but their command of language is still quite limited, especially when they’re upset.  They do a lot of gesturing, grunting, and making noises to get their point across, just like a Neanderthal might have.   In general they’re uncivilized, and that’s part of their appeal.  They are not little adults, they’re beings all their own.

That’s why reasoning with toddlers rarely works well.  They don’t understand your long, complex sentences and three syllable words, at least not while they’re freaking out.  So, seeing your little one as a mini cave-man, can help you figure out why the next tip is so important.

Learning to speak “toddler-ese” is the best way to help your little one know that you understand what she’s going through.  And as I’ve said many times before, empathy is often the best way to handle most tantrums.  When children feel heard and understood, they relax and become more cooperative.  So how can we help toddlers feel heard and understood?  We have to learn to speak their language.

Dr. Karp says that the most important elements to “toddler-ese” are matching intensity, keeping our phrases short, and using lots of repetition.  Listen to your toddler when she’s trying to express a desire and you’re likely to see her pointing, grunting, “Uh, uh, uh!” and repeating what she wants “Up!  Up!  Up, Mama!”

So, let’s say you’re not able to pick your sweet toddler up because your arms are full of groceries.  But you’re feeling worried, because you can see a tantrum about to come on.  Rather than ignoring or reasoning, try saying something like, “Riley!  You want up, up up!  You want mama to pick you up, up up!”  Be sure to match your child’s level of intensity.  Then, watch your child as you empathize with her in her language.   You’re likely to see her relax and become fascinated with you.  At that point, you can explain the predicament, “Honey, I want to pick you up, but my arms are full of groceries, can you wait one minute please?”

There are lots of other great tips and tricks in Karp’s books and DVDs but these are the ones that jumped out the most and that I thought would be most helpful to share.  I hope you’ll have a wonderful week and as always, I would love to hear about your own experiences with these ideas.

Warm hugs, Shelly

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable.  Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1)     Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be.  For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops.  As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2)    The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end.  You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end.  Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3)    Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are.  Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4)   Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions.  The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES!  And…”  So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday.  The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas.  Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5)    Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month.  It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting.  I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

1) “Let’s go!”- Instead of asking your child a question that can be answered with a simple, “no,” try directing and inviting, rather than asking.  So, instead of saying, “Jane, will you please put on your shoes?” try saying “It’s time to put shoes on, c’mon let’s go!”  You can also use this technique if you need to leave a store or park, and remember, the more excited you are about leaving, the more effective it will be.

2) I Forget- Young children love to remind and teach adults things sometimes too.  You can use that to your advantage when you want your kids to brush their teeth, put away their toys, or do just about any other task.  And, by asking your child to come up with the correct answer, you’re teaching her to remember on her own in the future.  “Susie, I can’t remember what we do next!  We have our pajamas on and we’ve gone to the bathroom and I know there’s something we’re supposed to before we jump into bed for stories, but I can’t remember what it is.  Do you know?”  I am amazed at how well this can work and how excited kids can be to do chores they otherwise don’t enjoy.

3) Winding up the robot- For clean up time, pretending to be a robot can be tons of fun and can make clean up fast and easy.  Most kids like it best if you pretend they have a big wind up crank on their back.  You wind them up, and they rush through the room picking up their toys.  But don’t forget to sing the praises of the awesome new robot you bought.  The more you talk up the robot, the more likely he is to re-appear.

4)  Scavenger hunt- Want help at the grocery store or collecting the scattered pieces of a puzzle or board game?  Play scavenger hunt!  Make a word list (for readers) or a picture list (for pre-readers) of things that need to be found or collected.  Send your child out into the house with a basket and a list, and voila, you’ll be shocked at how fast they can find the missing puzzle piece.

5) Housework party- Whether it’s cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, sweeping, washing windows, or any other household task, you can get your child to help out by making it more fun.  First, survey your child to find out what kinds of tasks sound fun and when you find one that your child is willing to help out with, turn on some music, set him up with his supplies and let him go for it!   I’ve found that children are much more willing to help with cleaning tasks when they have gear that’s the right size for their body.  So consider purchasing a child sized broom and mop, a small spray bottle (filled with water) for washing windows, and even a work smock.  For dusting, a simple dusting mitten (no need for a thumb hole) made out of flannel is fun to wear and even more fun to get dirty!

So those are my top five favorite keys to encouraging cooperation.  I’m curious whether you’ve tried these or if they’re new to you and I hope you’ll share a comment about how they work for you.

Have a super week, Shelly

I first learned self-hypnosis during my pregnancy through my Hypnobabies birthing class.  Through the use of guided CDs we created a “switch” that I can now use to turn off the muscles of my body and completely relax.  It’s one of the best skills I’ve learned in the past year.

So now, whenever I find myself ruminating or tense when I’d rather be relaxing, I simply “turn off” and instantly relax my entire body.  Amazingly, the process of turning off my muscles seems to naturally relax my thoughts too!

I have struggled with pain during my entire nursing experience.  For the first 9 weeks of my daughter’s life the pain was so excruciating that I would bite my hand in order to take my attention away from my nipples.  And now, more than 7 months into nursing, I still have days when my daughter’s mouth feels like a vice clamp.

It took me a while, but in the past few weeks I suddenly remembered what I learned in my birthing class and have been practicing “turning off” when I begin to nurse.  Wow, what a difference!  Instead of leaving a nursing session in pain and tension, I actually feel relaxed and refreshed.  And I’m certain that my milk is flowing more easily now that I’m more relaxed too.

So, how does this apply to you?  Well, you might think that self-hypnosis is difficult, takes lots of training, or wouldn’t be possible for you, but I’ve learned that we are in a state of hypnosis often throughout our day, we just might not recognize it.

Have you ever had the experience of driving somewhere routine, letting your mind wander, and then realizing that you’ve arrived but having no memory of the turns or lights along the way?  You were in hypnosis.  Your conscious mind didn’t need to pay attention to the driving because you’re already a masterful driver, so your consciousness was freed up to attend to other things.  Hypnosis is nothing more than a trance that we can consciously choose to put ourselves in for our own benefit.

Some people find the idea of hypnosis scary and fear that by allowing themselves to be hypnotized, they’re giving their power away.  That’s actually not the case, but even if it was, if you’re hypnotizing yourself, then you’re giving your power away to…yourself!  In my experience, self-hypnosis is simply the quickest and easiest way to let go of tension and fully relax and rest both my body and my mind.

What if you could use hypnosis to change your experience of something unpleasant you’re currently experiencing?  I’m using it to relax and enjoy nursing more.  Perhaps you could use it so that you can be present with your child during a tantrum without the anxiety that usually accompanies that experience.  Or maybe you could use it during household chores that you normally don’t enjoy.  You might just use self-hypnosis to get to sleep quickly at night, even after a busy day.

I’m curious, do you have an experience with hypnosis?  Do you find it to be beneficial or not?  I hope you’ll share your story with us here…

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

Children learn and develop differently and it’s not a competition, instead, each child is learning and growing at his own rate.  Part of our job as parents, caregivers, and educators is to identify where a specific child is capable and comfortable, where he is challenged, and what’s next.  You can do this with anyone, not just children, and it certainly applies to children who have special needs and different ways of learning.

In the Montessori schools I’ve worked at in the past we often had children who were diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, and learning disabilities.  Luckily, the Montessori classroom is specifically designed to meet the needs of a wide range of abilities and interests.   And, as a parent, you have a unique knowledge of who your child is and where her next challenge lies.   Just by helping your child identify the next steps and challenges in her development, you’re teaching her skills for how to work with her unique brain and body to grow and learn.  Every child has a desire to learn, grow, and contribute.

But if you’re a parent of a child who is on the autism spectrum you may feel confused about how to help your child and overwhelmed by conflicting information.  I’m no expert on autism.  But I do know that developing even more compassion for your child, having a greater understanding of your child’s autism and your particular situation, and reaching out for support from other people going through the same challenges will strengthen your bond with your child and help you weather any storm you may face.

If your child has physical challenges like blindness, deafness, challenges with movement, or medical issues there are often fun summer camps for kids in similar situations.  One summer during college I worked at a camp for legally blind children that was funded by the state of New Jersey.  Every child in New Jersey who’s legally blind is able to spend a week at the camp singing songs, doing art projects, swimming and boating and making friends (or at least that was the case in 1997).  It was so much fun to experience the kids, some of whom were the only blind kid in their area, and many of whom felt ostracized in their home communities for having albinism, connecting, playing and having fun together.  A summer camp is a great place to be reminded that there are other kids just like you.

I’m not sure I’ve been particularly helpful or insightful on this issue, but mostly I just want parents of kids with special needs to know that they are a valued part of our community.  I want to include you and help you as much as I am able.  So if you ever have a specific question about a situation you’d like some help with, please email me, schedule a complimentary introductory coaching session, or post your question as a comment at the end of this article.   Perhaps some of the other parents here would even have a tip, suggestion, or similar experience to share.

Your conscious parenting challenge this week is to reach out and share about a challenging situation you’re experiencing with your child.  Then, come up with a strategy to help your child develop new skills in that area.  I would LOVE to hear all about it so please share in the comment box below.

And have a kind, caring, and connected week.  Love, Shelly