Now you might think that whispering in a room full of screaming kids wouldn’t have much impact, but I’ve found that screaming is the thing that makes the least impact. The kids just thought I was playing along with their game and continued to scream unless I really lost it, which I later felt bad about.

Instead, I did the opposite and got an almost immediate response. First I thought of a secret to tell. Then I went over to the loudest child and tapped her on the shoulder cupping my hands around my mouth as if I were about to whisper. Then I whispered the secret to her. Usually my secret had something to do with a delicious snack waiting for them in the other room or a really fun game or activity I had planned, but inevitably, the whisper was the thing that made the biggest difference.

My daughter has stopped nursing herself to sleep when she’s going to bed at night and instead prefers to cuddle to sleep. But if she’s really squirming and unsettled I simply begin to whisper a story to her and she’s often asleep within minutes. Sometimes she’ll whisper parts of the story back to me, but she ALWAYS stills her body and listens intently. It really doesn’t matter what the story is about, it can even be gibberish, the important thing is that the message I’m sending with my whispering is that it’s time to relax and rest now. And the message comes across loud and clear…or quiet and clear in this case. ?

I’ve even used whispering to stop a child from screeching wildly when she didn’t get what she wanted. Sure there are times when it’s important to allow a child to fully express her upset, but this particular child was using the screeching as a way to get my attention. So I gave her my attention, but I changed the rules of the game. Whenever she screeched, I would walk up to her, whisper in her ear, and then if the screeching continued, I would walk away. She almost always followed behind me whispering about the topic of choice. Because it wasn’t screaming that she most needed in that moment, it was my full attention.

I know it can be difficult to remember this when you’re in a room full of people who are yelling to be heard, but sometimes going against the grain and doing the opposite of what the crowd is doing is the perfect way to shift the dynamic.

My husband and I even use this technique when we’re dining in a very loud restaurant. If I can’t hear him, I just slide into the booth on his side of the table and we snuggle up and talk quietly to one another. Often, the noise level in the whole restaurant will go down. I’m not really sure why it works, but I’m sure glad it does!

So the next time you’re in a room full of loudness, try whispering and see what happens. I would love to hear how it goes. Please share your story with me in the comment box below.

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

How have you seen vestibular stimulation benefit your kids and family?

What other ways could you play this game?  Can you see how it can help kids learn colors, shapes, locations of things in your home, sizes, and so much more?!  I would love to hear how you would modify this game to best fit your child’s interests.  Please leave me a comment!

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

One study in particular stands out in my mind. It was conducted on a playground where researchers observed boys playing a tackling game. Researchers thought that they would find the game to be violent and detrimental to kids, but they actually found just the opposite. The observed that in playing this seemingly violent game, rarely did anyone get hurt, and when someone did get hurt, the other boys reacted with caring and compassion toward their fallen playmate.

And, after failing to find what they were looking for, the researchers changed their tack and began to look for behaviors that showed kindness and caring, such as a pat on the back, a hug, or helping one another get up. They quickly realized that the vast majority of the interactions between the kids on the playground were those kind and caring gestures!

In fact, they further realized that it was because of the seemingly violent nature of the tackling game that kids were given more opportunities to offer a helping hand or a hug than they would have otherwise. So that’s when I realized, that with some clear ground rules, wrestling between kids or between kids and adults could actually be a really joyful and beneficial activity for everyone involved.

So the next time your child runs to you crying, “My brother hurt me!” you can see it as an opportunity to nurture and comfort your child (which builds your connection) AND as an opportunity to show an older child how to take even better care of his younger sibling (which will build their connection).

Now, I’m not recommending that you force your older child to offer disingenuous nurturing, rather, that you model for your children how to care for one another. I also think it’s useful to keep in mind that there have likely been lots of other moments when the older sibling did take care of the younger one, that you might not have seen. Of course, the opposite can also be true.

So, if you’re not sure what’s really going on between your kids, take some time to observe them together and keep a tally for yourself. How many times did they touch or hug in a loving way? How many times did they touch in a hurtful way? What was your favorite moment? Why? What kinds of things did they say to each other? Ideally, you would tuck yourself away in a corner and seem to ignore them, so that they can play normally, forgetting that you’re even in the room.

But do be careful not to allow your preconceived notions or biases to show up in your observations. An observation should be completely neutral and without judgment, such as “Carl jumped on the bed and Henrietta fell off,” rather than “Carl viciously knocked Henrietta off the bed.”

I mentioned ground rules earlier and here are the ones I like for wrestling and rough housing at my house:

1) We stop if someone gets hurt and help them

2) We stop when someone says stop

3) We only use our bodies and pillows (no hard objects)

4) We stay on the carpet or bed

I’m so curious, have you found rough housing to be a connecting activity at your house? What are you ground rules? Please share your wisdom with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

At Montessori school, we used the swings to help kids focus at least several times a week. I even activate my own vestibular system by doing somersaults whenever I’m feeling socially anxious. (So if we’re at a party together and I sneak into a back hallway for a moment, you know what I’m up to.) The thing is, it really works! After a few forward rolls, I feel so much happier and better able to engage and be social. If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it for yourself.

But I’m not writing this to help adults with their social anxiety, rather, I want young people who get labeled as “out of control” or informally called “adhd” to have solutions to anxiety, aggressiveness, or lack of focus that are easy, fun, and free of negative side effects. So, the next time you see your kids spinning in circles, remember that they’re self-regulating and it’s really good for their brains. Plus, it’s just fun and it feels good to spin around in circles!

For months now my daughter has enjoyed shaking her head back and forth. She’ll shake her head and then look up and smile. I usually join her just because it’s fun, but now I’m remembering that shaking our heads or moving our heads through space in other ways is actually crucial to brain health and wellbeing. The vestibular system needs input!

And, now that we humans spend less time running through the forest and more time sitting in front of screens, it’s even more important that we consciously choose to activate those systems.

So, your homework this week is to dance, wiggle, spin, jump, cartwheel, and swing with your kids. It’s good for everybody’s brain and it’s a great strategy to teach your child for times when he’s feeling worried, bored, or disconnected.

Have a fabulous week! Warmly, Shelly

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule.  But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school.  If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life.  They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain.  Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting.  With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving.  It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention.  Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme.  You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box.  Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else.  Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids.  Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre!  As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories.  Please leave me a comment!  And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday.  If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiredlady and scroll down to the show called “Excuse me but this is my child”

In humans, as in other animals, play is crucial to learning.  When children engage in imaginary play they are acting out possible real life scenarios, practicing skills they’ll need as they mature, and processing experiences they’ve had.  So, if we want to support our children’s learning and growth, it’s absolutely necessary that we play with them.  I want to repeat that, because it’s not just that we ought to allow our children to play or invite their friends over to play with them.  We actually need to get down on the floor and play with them.

Since parents, grandparents, and caregivers are a child’s greatest influence for the first three years of life, it’s critical that we help young people learn how to play.  Until they’re three years old, most children will engage in more parallel play with their peers than real, engaged cooperative play.  And since our neural pathways are forming beginning in utero, it is our ability to play with our babies and young children that informs their ability to play throughout their lives.  And like it or not, their ability to play dramatically impacts their ability to learn other skills.

If you’re gasping for breath right now and thinking about how hard it is for you to play, don’t worry.  There are lots of great ways to play that don’t require you to be an expert at comedy improv.  Singing songs, reading books, acting out stories from books, rhyming, and dressing up in costumes are a few ideas to get you started.

My husband just created a fun game to play with our daughter last week.  He noticed that she laughs when our dog makes a funny coughing sound so he imitated the sound and she laughed.  By the next day SHE was making the sound and HE was laughing.  Now we all take turns saying “Kack!” and we all giggle.  Our daughter has already learned her first joke!

Many of the parents I’ve worked with are concerned about the “violent” play that their young boys engage in.  So, I checked in with our resident expert and research psychologist, Amy Howell PhD.  She says that children’s so called violent play is often not actually about violence.  In imaginary play, killing and death can simply be a way to change the focus or begin a new scene.

She recommends asking your child direct questions about the game or imaginary play if you’re feeling concerned about the content but warns that parents are often too quick to interrupt. You may find that by waiting, it’ll soon become apparent that there’s no cause for concern.

If you’re still worried, try checking in, and you’ll likely learn that a magic potion will bring the character back to life, or that a new theme is about to emerge.  She also stresses that we adults far too often see children’s imaginary play through our own adult perspective, and that’s just far too literal and with too little imagination.

You may find that by checking in, you’ll learn that a magic potion will bring the character back to life, or that a new theme is about to emerge.  She also stresses that we adults far too often see children’s imaginary play through our own adult perspective.

I’ve found that young people often play at “killing” when they’re working through their feelings about their own power or the lack thereof.  So, this week, as you support your child’s imaginary play, try either checking in, or waiting to see, rather than assuming you know what happens next in the story.  And for extra credit, let your child be the director and play a part in his story to his exact specifications.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

Here are a few empowering thoughts, assumptions, questions, and some dialogue that have helped me change gears and reconnect with a young person after I’ve felt frustrated or hurt:

Q: My 20 mo. old son is throwing things in clear defiance of my wishes.  It seems like he WANTS to upset me.

New interpretation: He’s just asking to play.

Challenge: How can we make it a safe/fun/mutual game?

Inside Shelly’s head:

Oh no, he’s going to throw that.  “Stop!”, He throws it anyway and aims at something breakable but misses.  “Wow, I’m so glad you aimed away from the flower pot!  That flowerpot is fragile and breakable and it would be expensive to replace it.  Hmmm, I wonder what would be good to throw something at…Oh!  I know!  Let’s throw beanbags into the special hole we made!  I want the red beanbag, which one do you want?  I’m going to throw it into the hole.  Can you make it into the hole? C’mon!  Let’s go get the beanbags!”

Q:  My 18 mo. old daughter uses a blood curdling scream when she wants attention and sometimes for no reason that we know of.

New interpretation: She’s curious how I’ll respond.

Challenge:  How composed can I remain?

Inside Shelly’s head:

How would my best self respond?  Calmly.  The less I react, the less power her actions have and the easier it will be to redirect.  I will remain calm and remind her to use an inside voice.  If she continues I will either leave the room or take her outside to scream.  After she screams, I’ll get really close to her and whisper in her ear, “Let’s use our inside voices.  And if you need to scream, let’s go outside.  Which one? Inside voices or outside?”

Your practice this week is to find a new interpretation for a challenging situation with your kids.  And then come up with a challenge for yourself that you will meet with gusto.  I would love to hear how it goes!

Have a great week, Shelly

P.S.  If you’d like to see an email exchange I had with my dear friend and yoga instructor Kendra about her challenges with her young son, keep reading.  I think her questions and my responses will be useful for anyone who has a willful toddler at home.

Kendra:   I definitely feel tested these days by my son saying ‘no’ (or ‘no way’) when I ask him to do things

Shelly:  At 21mo. Trent is still pretty young to consistently help out with things like putting toys away and cleaning up in general.  You can ask or even insist that he help, but if I were you, I’d invite him and then go ahead and clean up myself happily if he says no.  Essentially you’re modeling joyful tidiness and taking pride in your home environment.  He will likely join in more often the more fun it seems to do so.  And when he’s two and a half to three years old you can begin to require a few consistent cleaning tasks.  For now, it’s more about fun, play, and helping out joyfully.  When you can get him to happily put one toy away consistently, then move on to three toys.

Kendra:  The other night when I asked him to help me put all his animals away, he said ‘no’ & threw one of them at me.  It didn’t seem like it was out of anger – more just testing…

Shelly: It sounds like he’s looking for a boundary here.  I think I would let him know that it’s never OK to throw things at people, unless you’re playing catch.  You might be dramatic in your response, like “WHOA!  A flying dinosaur!  I’m so glad that didn’t hit me.  That would really hurt.  Do you remember which things are OK to throw? I’m going to put the animals away now.”  You don’t want to give too much energy or attention to the behavior you don’t want.  Instead, redirect his attention to something you DO want.

Kendra:  He also does it with hitting the windows – something that is never ok, and I do try to give him options, like he can hit the wall or the drums or the couch, just never the windows – he will look right at me & hit the window.

Shelly:  Awesome job offering him alternatives!  Again, this is a boundary issue.  This one is a little bit trickier because a broken window is a huge hassle.  Luckily he’s still small enough for you to physically remove him if you need to.  I have a couple of suggestions here.  First, out of sight out of mind.  If there is a window that he hits most often I would barricade it, cover it with a curtain or find some other way to make it disappear.  If it’s a window that you need access to, I would make a point of stopping whatever you’re doing as soon as you see him considering hitting the window.

Because he’s so young, he’s unable to stop himself from following through on most of his impulses, so asking him not to hit the window when it’s within reach isn’t going to be effective (until he’s a little older).  Instead, I’d run right over there and move him away from the window and THEN say, “We don’t hit windows.  Windows are breakable and fragile.  If you want to sit next to the window I will sit with you to make sure the window is safe.”  Then as you build trust by close supervision you can relax your supervision over time.

Kendra:   He is simultaneously often very clingy – hanging on to my leg while I’m trying to make breakfast & wanting to get up & be held & nurse a LOT.

Shelly: This is totally normal and a little bit crazy making.  I wonder what would shift if you had some dedicated snuggle time on the floor in the kitchen before breakfast.  Maybe you can head this off at the pass?  Also, consider setting him up with a fun food prep activity at his high chair before you start breakfast.  He could slice a banana with a butter knife, or mash a banana or other fruit with a fork or small potato masher. He may even be able to peel an apple orange or banana. If you want more ideas for activities he can do on his own, let’s talk on the phone so I can get a better idea of his small motor skill level and coordination.

Kendra:  but then also throwing things at me, which really triggers me

Shelly: “Trent! You may NOT throw things at me.  If you’d like to play catch then go get a ball, but if you throw things at me I’m going into my room where I feel safe.”  When you take away your attention every time he throws something at you, he won’t get the emotional response he’s interested in.  In this instance I think it’s better to walk away than to give him further attention.  After you’ve established the boundary to your satisfaction, you may even choose to ignore the offense and simply walk away whenever it happens.  I think it will cease within a few weeks if you’re consistent with this.  However, if he knows that he’s producing an interesting emotional response in you, he’ll be compelled to do it again and again because he’s so curious about his own power and the emotional connections and disconnections between people.

Kendra:   Or, when I’m changing him:  he’ll kick me – playfully – but when i tell him not too (or that mama doesn’t like that because it hurts), he smiles & thinks it’s a game & does it more & I just do not know how to get my point across!

Shelly:  In this case I think he’s asking you to play with him.  If you can find a different game to play during changing time that’s even more fun, he’ll quickly switch his focus.  You could try “this little piggy” or eating his feet or raspberries on his tummy, you might play peek-a-boo with a blanket, or just surprise him with a loud “BOO!” and get him giggling.

Kendra:   The other day culminated in me sitting on the floor, crying & Trent laughing at me.

Shelly: I’m so sorry.  That does not sound fun.  It sounds like you could begin to work on some empathy skills with Trent too.  As you’re reading books or experiencing interactions with others just put special emphasis on the emotional content and ask him questions about it.  “Do you think that little boy is feeling happy or sad? Wow, that looks like hard work, would you like to go help? or Lucy looks sad, I’m going to give Lucy a hug to help her feel better.” etc.  Trent won’t be able to experience a lot of empathy until he’s out of the parallel play period and interacting directly with more peers, but you can begin to give him some information and insight into the emotional worlds of others now.

Most importantly, don’t forget that you are doing an AMAZING job of mothering.  You are incredibly skilled, caring and compassionate most of the time, so give yourself a break once in a while.  It’s OK to set strong boundaries and even to lose your composure once in a while.  Trent knows that he’s loved and cared for.

Laughter is one of my favorite ways to release pent up emotions.  Sure, there are other ways like crying and anger release, but laughter is without a doubt the most fun emotional release for everybody in the household.

But how do you infuse your home with more joy and laughter?  I’ve got some ideas I’d like to share with you.

1) Be super silly- A young child’s sense of humor is fairly undeveloped which makes it fairly easy to make them laugh.  Doing something unexpectedly silly will often do the trick.  I like to put funny hats on, talk in an accent, dance around the room shaking my head and arms wildly or just act a little bit crazy.  Kids absolutely love it when we adults let loose and play with them in this way.  You’ll know you’re on the right track when they’re looking at you like you’re nuts or they’re smiling and laughing.

2) Be a clumsy clown- Acting clumsy is one of the quickest ways to get your kids laughing.  Be sure to do this safely, you don’t want to hurt yourself.  I like to fall over onto something soft like the bed.  Sometimes kids will join me because falling over produces some nice vestibular stimulation, which feels great!  Mostly they enjoy seeing that adults can stub their toes, bonk their heads, and fall over sometimes just like they do.  And if you really play it up, you’ll all be rolling on the floor in fits of laughter before you know it.

3) Be forgetful- Children love it when they’re the smartest and best-informed people in the room.  Playing dumb or forgetting where things are or how to do simple household tasks can be a blast for your child.  Acting discombobulated and confused is a great way to produce laughter because you are the butt of the joke.  This also addresses the innate power imbalance between parents and kids that many children notice and are disturbed by.  When we can take the time and make the effort to be the less powerful one once in a while it provides young people with a fun way to release their feelings about often being the less capable person in the mix.

4) Play a SAFE tickling game- Let me be clear, tickling a child until they can’t breathe is not any fun for the child.  In general I recommend against tickling as a way to induce laughter, but there is a way to play a tickling game that feels safe to your child.  The key is to let the child be in charge of the tickling.  When the young person gets to direct you to start and stop, they feel empowered and safe which makes it much more fun.  In this way, you and your child can work together to create a fun game.  Your job is to really watch and listen for your child’s “stop” signal and tickle in short bursts so that your child has an opportunity to catch his breath and ask you to go again or to stop.

I hope you’ll implement some of these ideas this week and I would love to hear about your own great ideas for how to increase the laughter in your home.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly