Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”.  We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated.  And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions.  When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else.  But there is!  We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny?  I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old.  And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing.  Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids.  They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries.  As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).

How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time.  Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it.  So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”

When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior.  Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.

So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people.  Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”

Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want.  When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things.  But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t address big instances of behavior that concerns you.  You certainly can talk to your child about hitting, lying or other behaviors that don’t work for you.  Just remember to put a positive spin on things, letting your child know exactly what he or she can do in the future that you will enjoy and appreciate.  And then, be sure to notice those efforts and offer some positive feedback.  “Wow, I see you’ve cleaned up that milk you spilled without me even asking!  Thank you so much!”

You can absolutely talk with your child about your concerns about her lying, letting her know that you’re worried and you really want to be able to believe her and trust that she’s telling you the truth.  Just remember to put more emphasis on what you want than on what you didn’t enjoy.  And be sure to really let her know that you appreciate her efforts when you do notice a change in behavior.

One more note about lying, the earlier you can catch it and the more levity you can have about it, the more likely your child is to give it up.  So, rather than having a stern conversation about a little white lie, you might choose to joke with her, saying, “Are you SURE that dog was purple?  I don’t know, I think it might have been green.”  Try your best to save the stern conversations for the lies that deeply concern you and then be sure to tell her exactly how she can rebuild any trust that was damaged.

A few more examples of ways you can turn things around:

Instead of “Stop fighting with your brother!”, try “Remember loving kindness” or at a time when your kids are getting along great, “Wow, I love it when you two take such good care of each other.”

Instead of “No grabbing!” try, “Hmmm, let’s practice sharing…what can I share with you?  What can you share with your sister?”

Instead of “Don’t fall!” or “You’re going to hurt yourself!” try, “Listen your body and take good care of yourself, I trust you.”

I hope these examples are helpful for you and I’d love to hear about your own experiences of focusing on what you DO want.  How is it working for you?  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action.  Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention.  And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met.  They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding.  “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want.  But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so.  Remember how you responded.  Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions?  Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future.  Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions.  You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions.  First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer?  Are you needing some more information and understanding about that?  Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet.  Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen.  Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion.  “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more.  I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning!  So now you get to share a new strategy for next time.  “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer?  Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it?  Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on?  What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children.  Please leave me a comment!  Hugs, Shelly

Young people are discovering their world and constantly coming up with strategies to meet their needs.  Sometimes these strategies cause pain and upset in others and are experienced as destructive.

The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting.  Older kids often use their words to destructive means.  And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous.  But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?

Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child.  When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions.  After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.

When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom.  Ouch!  I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back.  But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me.  I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter).  And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained.  So we tried another strategy­–redirection.

First, we began to watch him closely and after some observation we discovered that there was a look in his eye just before he tried to bite.  Next, we tried to understand what need he was trying to meet and we determined that when he needed space, he bit.  He would usually try to bite in a situation when he was in a confined space, had another child touching his body, or when another child took the toy he was playing with.

So for starters, we tried to anticipate any situations that were likely to result in his desire to bite and diffuse the situation before he even got the idea.  But we weren’t perfect, and sometimes he still got the look in his eye, opened his mouth, and tried to bite someone.  We acted swiftly, removed him from the person he was about to bite and REDIRECTED his aggression toward his blanket.  “It’s not OK to bite people, but if you need to bite, you can bite your blanket.”  After a few weeks, John began to go and get his blanket whenever he had the urge to bite!

If you think about it, the urge to bite has helped us out immensely when it comes to eating.  If we didn’t have a need to bite, we might never have discovered some of the delicious foods we eat today.  So, ultimately, biting is a beautiful need, it just sometimes gets generalized to people and things that aren’t safe for biting.

A friend recently shared that her young son had begun to bite his bed frame and was damaging his bed and eating wood!  She decided to redirect her son’s behavior so they found a heavy plastic fork and deemed it his “special biting fork”.  Now when he has the urge to bite he asks his mom for his special biting fork, then he gnaws on it for a few minutes and hands it back to mom.  I was talking to his mom on the phone the other day when he said, “Mom, can I please have my special biting fork?” and I found myself grinning from ear to ear.  I’m so happy that he gets to bite something that’s safe for him!

There are lots of other behaviors that can be redirected into more constructive choices for kids.  What have you tried?  Which redirections have worked for you?  I’d love to hear about your experiences with redirection.  Thanks for being here!