A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

And then it hit me; maybe I didn’t actually have to install all those latches!  Of course, I realize that I might need to add a few as my daughter grows and gets into things more, but I came up with a solution that is working well and has caused the least work for everyone.  I gave my daughter her very own drawer.

As soon as she opened the bottom drawer in the kitchen for the very first time, I grabbed a bag, threw its original contents inside, and then tossed a few of her toys in the drawer.  I included some kitchen items like a metal spoon, a set of measuring spoons, and a plastic cup.  And voila!  She took to it like a bee to honey.

Now, whenever I’m cooking or we’re hanging out in the kitchen, she crawls right over, opens up her drawer and plays with her “kitchen toys.” She hardly even seems to notice that there are other cabinets and drawers nearby!

Office shelf

But I didn’t stop there, I gave her a drawer in the master bathroom and she occupies herself masterfully while my husband and I take our morning showers.

We have also designated the bottom two shelves of the living room bookcase to the little one, and in true Montessori form, I leave new and exciting toys on those shelves to encourage her exploration. She even has two shelves in my office that will have her “work” on them for years to come.

Sure, we also have a basket of toys in the kitchen, living room, and her bedroom too.  But she seems to enjoy her drawers even more, and I don’t have to look at the stuff inside when she’s finished, I just close the drawer!  Of course, the next step will be to teach her to close the drawers herself.  And after that, we’ll begin putting toys into the drawer and closing it when we’re about to leave the room.

Living room shelf

If you have an older child who doesn’t yet have any designated kid’s activity areas in the common rooms, I highly recommend you clear some space for your younger family members.  Then, stock their shelves and drawers with interesting activities that you’ll rotate when they lose their appeal.  And if you also provide a rug and/or a child sized desk or table that they can work at, you’ll be helping your child set up great work habits and helping yourself get some peace and quiet.  Because, when kids know where to look for an activity that they can explore on their own, they’ll go back to it again and again, and you’ll actually get some adult work done!

I would love to hear about your own solutions to support your child’s freedom and independence at home.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash.  For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied.  The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house.  Or should I say her house!

I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh.  I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!”  That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.

I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!

If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do.  Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it.  The child will actually relax in that neutrality.  After all, it’s tough to run the world!

In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort.  All is well.  And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience.

You call the shots.  What I mean by this is that you get to decide which behaviors you would like to cohabitate with intimately for the next two decades or so, and then to a lesser degree for the rest of your life.  Responses can go from, “Nope.  We don’t treat each other like that in this house.  Let’s find another way,” to “Uh uh. We don’t run and scream in here, but absolutely feel free to take it outside!  That’s ‘outside’ behavior.”  Or, for me, I get irked by whining.  “You want that?  Go ahead and find a new way to ask me that’ll make me want to say yes!”

There’s a vigilance required in this kind of parenting, but it’s not full of trying or effort.  It’s about being vigilant regarding the state of your own body/mind.  Feelings of discomfort are incredibly valuable to catch early; otherwise you end up feeling really sorry about however you finally did express yourself when it went flying out all by itself.

[*Grin.*  We’ve all been there!]

I’m happy to say as I write this, that I’ve got two kids, twelve and seven, who not only have the full content of their freedom and dignity, but are so great to be around that not only do I enjoy them immensely myself, but I can bring them just about anywhere and most everyone else will agree.

When they were small, my own discomfort showed me everything I needed to know.  I learned it was more fun for me to NOT bring my boy toddler to long, quiet gatherings.  He genuinely needed to move his body and rustle about, as opposed to his big sister who had, for years, accompanied me and had happily sat for hours without a peep, simply coloring while eating parmesan cheese shreds one by one.  Here were two totally different sets of possibilities within the same exact gene pool… and how extraordinary!

These kids keep us not only on our toes, but rooted in our centers.  They help us be our own very best selves, as we help them to be theirs.  What more precious gift can one human give to another than this?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment box below…

Have a good week, Kheyala

Kheyala Rasa  Intuitive Spiritual Guidance

Please send any heartfelt questions or concerns (on any topic) to kheyala1@gmail.com

When I think about the word “discipline” I think it sets up a disconnecting power dynamic where I’m in charge all of the time and the kids in my life must do what I say, or “behave”, and submit to my dominance.

On the other hand, without any “discipline” I imagine complete chaos and no sense of leadership.  So, instead of discipline, I like to talk about setting boundaries.

We all need boundaries whether with ourselves, our parents, children, employers or employees.  It’s healthy to have and keep clear boundaries, but somehow, many of us have never learned to recognize, implement, and maintain healthy boundaries.

I just read the novel “The Undomestic Goddess” by Sophie Kinsella.  It was a fun read but what struck me the most about it was how few boundaries the main character had at the beginning of the book.  Samantha was a high-powered lawyer at a leading law firm.  She was going for partner and as a result, she was available to her law firm 24/7.  No kidding.  The woman couldn’t even put her blackberry down for an hour to get a massage!  She was the epitome of someone without any healthy boundaries and without a life of her own.  Instead, she was completely owned by her law firm!

Do you ever feel owned by your kids and family?  Have you forgotten to set boundaries and maintain a healthy sense of self?  Well this week it’s time to turn it around.  Take a moment right now to make a list of the times in the past week or so when your boundaries were crossed.  These could be moments when you felt helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, or trapped.  List at least 3-5 moments right now…

OK, now take a look at your list.  What were the boundaries that got crossed?  What needs of yours weren’t being met during the incident?  What is a possible solution that would clearly express your boundary?  Often, when we’re not in the habit of expressing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we may not even know what the boundaries are until they’ve been trampled on.  Here’s an example of two incidents including boundaries, unmet needs, and possible solutions from my own experience with kids:

Incident:  When Derek (7yo) said to me, “You’re so mean, I hate it when you come to our house!”

Boundary: Hurtful communication is not acceptable

Unmet needs: respect and kindness

Solution: Tell Derek, “You may not speak to me that way, I hear that you’re frustrated, but next time you can say, ‘I’m frustrated’ instead of ‘You’re mean and I hate it when you come over’.  Now I need some space because I’m feeling sad and hurt by what you said.  Please go in the other room for five minutes so I can take care of myself.”

Incident:  Seth (18mo.) throws food from his highchair

Boundary:  Cleaning up other people’s messes is not OK with me

Unmet needs:  order, cleanliness, freedom

Solution:  Tell Seth, “It’s not OK to throw food, when you throw your food it tells me that you’re finished eating.”  Take away the rest of Seth’s food.  “Now it’s time to clean up the mess you made.  Here’s a bowl, please collect the food from the floor and put it into this bowl so we can throw it away.”  Stay nearby and watch to be sure Seth gets all of the food.

In each of these examples I was able to set a clear boundary and stick to it.  And in each case, the young person involved conformed to my boundary.  That’s not to say that they didn’t resist, but when I was clear and consistent with the boundaries, they eventually got into alignment with me.

One of the most important aspects of setting clear boundaries with kids is that we maintain composure during the interaction.  If we’re too angry, upset, hurt, or punitive, then our boundaries just feel like punishments.  But when you can maintain your calm and be clear and consistent without freaking out, kids will often become much more cooperative and able to respect your boundaries.

Have some more questions about setting healthy boundaries with your kids?  Please leave a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl.  They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath.  Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop.  They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall.   Amazing, right?!

I mean we’ve all been there when a one year old launched herself off of the couch straight into the coffee table, hurting herself, crying loudly, and needing consolation.  But, how hurt was she really?  And is that something that our repeated refrain of, “Be careful!” will actually prevent?

I think that there’s a reason that childhood comes with some bumps and bruises.  We’re learning our boundaries, our physical skills, and how to use our bodies.  The thing I find fascinating is that young children learn from these experiences and know how to keep themselves safe in the future!

In the book “the Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff she talks about how amazed she was that the people in the native tribe she was observing never told their children to be careful or watch out.  Instead, they trusted their kids to keep themselves safe even while hiking up a steep mountain or playing near a huge pit.  They allowed older children to care for younger children, comforted kids when THEY initiated contact, and in general, kept to their adult tasks, allowing kids to direct themselves.

In our generation of “helicopter parenting” I think we can learn a lot from the tribe Liedloff observed.  Trusting kids to know their own limits is often the best way to encourage self-directed, confident, assured young people to learn and grow at their own pace.

So, this week, notice any tendencies you might have to hover, give extra direction or advice, or warn your kids about dangers that they’re already well aware of.  Try taking a step back and observe how skilled your children really are at taking care of themselves and each other.  And then, let them know how much you enjoy and appreciate how much you can trust them.

And don’t forget to have a fabulous week!  Warmly, Shelly

Recently in my coaching, several parents have shared their guilt over getting angry in front of their kids.  I totally get it.  It’s hard to keep our cool when we’re feeling really frustrated, but after we lose it, we feel guilty and concerned that we may have somehow damaged our kids.  For starters let me say, you’re not doing any long term damage to your kids if you lose your temper once in a while.  Kids are very resilient and amazingly able to let things go.  But if this is a challenge you struggle with often, I’ve got some thoughts and ideas to help you manage your anger in a more healthy way.  You can also teach your kids some of these techniques so that everyone in your family is practicing healthy expressions of anger.

The first rule of expressing anger in a healthy way is to stop directing your anger AT people.  When we direct our upset at other people, we’re blaming them for our feelings.  But from the perspective of Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication, we know that our feelings are caused by our own unmet needs, not by the actions of others.  When we can stop blaming others and begin to take responsibility for our own emotional experience, it can be one of the most empowering experiences in life.

And just think, once you’re able to manage your own anger in a more healthy way, you can begin to teach your kids to do the very same thing!  So, what can you do with your anger and frustration without directing it at other people?  Well, for starters you can direct it at an inanimate object like a bed or pillow.  You can yell at your bed and hit it and nobody gets hurt (do be careful with your own body when releasing your anger).  Another of my personal favorite ways to release my anger is to yell while I’m by myself in the car.  I find that I feel safe and comfortable making a loud noise when I’m in the car because I’m pretty sure no one else can hear me.  And I’ve gotta say, it feels really good to let that stuff out in a primal scream.

Other ideas for healthy ways to express anger are to twist a hand towel and growl, punch a punching bag, imagine stomping on the heads of the people you’re angry at when you’re running or working out, or screaming silently.  To scream silently, you simply make the same face and physical gestures you would if you were to scream but instead of letting sound out through your vocal chords, you just let air pass through them.  It sounds like “HAAAAA” but feels almost as good as a really loud scream.

Some friends of mine were going through couples counseling and they began to practice turning their backs on each other, yelling, and then turning around with a greater ability to talk calmly with their partners.  I don’t recommend doing this with kids if you can help it, but if you’re going to yell, turning away from the people in the room is always more kind and respectful than yelling in their faces.  And if you’re trying not to swear in front of the kids, you can simply yell the word “ANGRY!”  or “I feel angry!”

So, I hope this blog has helped you come up with some ideas for how you can express your anger in a healthy way rather than suppressing it or expressing it AT someone.  Please let me know if this was helpful to you and/or if you can relate to how good it feels to let these frustrations out of your body.  Have a wonderful week, Shelly

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of.  And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Last night, my son tried repeatedly to hit me. I restrained him and told my son in very clear terms that trying to hurt people isn’t a way we deal with feelings in this family. Once he stopped fighting me, he seemed to feel some relief that he didn’t “have to” resort to this behavior that he didn’t feel entirely good about. There’s no real way to sugar coat this–it was a demand. I insisted that he stop hitting, and I restrained him until he stopped and agreed not to try to hurt me. (I am hoping he grows out of this before he becomes too big to restrain…)

I dislike making demands. I would much rather request what I want. But for myself, when it comes to hitting, I have a bottom line–I do demand that it stop. At the same time, I also wanted to maintain my sense of connection with my son.

So, as I held his swinging arms, I explained some reasons I was preventing him from hitting. I was concerned that no one would want to be his friend if he treated them that way. I also told him that when he got older, if he treated people this way, he could wind up in jail, and I didn’t want that to happen. Both true, both seemed to impact him. So it wasn’t just a battle of wills, it was a boundary with a reason attached.

When I was a kid, my parents set rules but rarely enforced them. This gave me an ungrounded sense, that I could somehow float away and not be noticed. I also lost respect for my parents, and felt more powerful than I was comfortable with. So I guess I’ve gone the other direction and now want to make sure my son knows that I am in charge, he has safe boundaries to thrash around in and that I mean what I say.

I also feel pretty clear that hitting is one of the only areas where I feel myself move into “demand” space. Much of the rest of our day-to-day feels like it has more wiggle room.

But I wanted to raise the issue of making demands because I feel like it’s gotten a bit of a bad rap (and maybe I’ve even contributed to that) and I wanted to look at demands in a different light, as something that can bring relief to all parties concerned.

What do you think? Do you make demands, and if so, when? How do you feel about them? How does that work out?

I used to despise spending time in the kitchen. I didn’t like doing dishes, I didn’t know how to cook, and I preferred microwave meals to home cooked ones. Wow! Have things changed. Now I buy lots of fresh organic produce, free-range meats and eggs, and I enjoy coming up with new interesting creations and cooking traditional foods. And for some reason I want to put cumin on everything.

Thinking back, I can identify a couple of things that produced the shift for me. First, I read “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. There’s a passage where he talks about enjoying the present moment even in the mundane activities of life like washing dishes. I immediately began to ENJOY doing dishes! I luxuriated in the warm soapy water and felt a deeper sense of accomplishment than I ever could have anticipated from the simple act of doing dishes.

And then I moved in with my husband to be (we’re getting married in 6 weeks!). As soon as I moved in with him I noticed a strong desire to learn to cook welling up in me. I wanted to feed us delicious, nutritious foods.

So, I began to learn the art of cooking. It feels a little funny to be writing about cooking since I’m still so new at it, Jill is the real chef of the two of us. But what I do bring to the table is the ability to modify cooking activities into interesting and age-appropriate activities for kids of all ages.

Think of your child as the apprentice chef in your kitchen.

Finding food preparation activities that are challenging and fun for your child can meet his needs to contribute and learn while meeting your needs for nutrition and teamwork.

Here are some cooking and food preparation activities to try this week.

For 12-18mo. Olds– Mashing! – Give your little one a cool well-cooked potato, carrot, or squash and a potato masher in a medium sized bowl. Set her up in a highchair where she’s secure. And let her mash away!

18mo.-2yrs– Beginning Pouring/Dishwashing– Washing dishes is an integral part of food preparation and kids this age LOVE water play. Fill the sink with 6 inches of tepid soapy water and some plastic dishes. Push a chair, stool, or learning tower up to the sink. Supervise to be sure the water is staying in the sink. Invite your child to put the “clean” dishes in the other side of the sink and rinse with cold water. To get a little more time out of this activity, ask your child to dry the dishes and put them away (if possible).

3 Years Old–Spreading–Provide your child with 4-6 crackers, a small bowl with about 2 tablespoons worth of peanut butter or other spreadable food, and a child-sized spreader (see the link below).

Child-Sized Spreader

4 Years Old–First Cutting/Slicing Activity–Steamed carrots or bananas are excellent beginner’s cutting activities. Use a safety knife like this or butter knife. Help your child wash hands thoroughly. Provide a tray with moist sponge, two saucers, a small cutting board and safe knife. Place full pieces of banana or steamed carrots on one saucer. Show your child how to slice and avoid contact with the “sharp” edge. As you cut slices set them on the second saucer in a pleasing array. Then eat!

There are countless other cooking activities you can do in your home every day. So, get creative and have fun in the kitchen. I’d love to hear about your favorite food prep activities. Please leave your comments in the box below.

Hugs, Shelly

Shelly, We have a big challenge. I like to leave our doors open to the backyard, so Thomas and the animals (we have two dogs and a cat) can go in and out as they wish.

Today Thomas crawled under the automatic gate into the front yard!

Then he came around to the front door and played a game out of it. But I’m terrified he is going to go near the street or in it, or someone is going to snatch him. I really can’t watch him well enough now that I have Tabitha (3 mo.) to ensure he won’t do it again, and there is no way to alter the gate to prevent his tiny little body from going under it. What do I do?

The gate is automatic and on a hill, also an angle, and wouldn’t open if we added material to the bottom. I could put locks that are childproof on the doors to the outside, and no longer keep them open. But it makes me sad to think he won’t be able to go outdoors as often and whenever he likes. Especially with the weather getting better.

At the time, I didn’t do much because I didn’t know what to do and was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I needed to think about it. so I neither discouraged or encouraged the behavior. He was laughing and having a fun game of it.

Later that evening, when he was in a calm and quiet mood, I went over to him and played with him a bit. Then we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me, in a very serious and concerned tone: “Thomas, I need to talk with you”

He looked at me, concerned.

I got connected with my honest feelings about it, fear and love for him, and turned those feelings up.

“I’m really worried about the gate.

“I know you like to go under it, but it scares me.

“I’m afraid you will go too close to the street, and a car will hit you.

“I’m afraid someone will come by and take you or hurt you.

“I want to be around you and keep you safe from cars and strangers”

(Every now and then he would say something like “yeah!” which is his way of saying he understands what I’m saying, but in general he was concerned and a little afraid.)

“Its OK if you want to play under the gate if I’m around and playing with you. Or another adult, like daddy, grandpa, or Pia. But don’t go under the gate and into the front yard when you are by yourself. Only when someone else is watching you or nearby”

“OK?”

Thomas: “Yeah!” he said, concerned but also relieved to have a solution about this problem ( I think that is what he was feeling).

I repeated the resolution again.

I brought the whole story up with him again later, and he agreed again. I plan to go over it with my husband, who hasn’t been in town. I will tell Matt the whole story and ask him to also feel concerned and to express his concern, and then we will all agree to the resolution again, together.

I think this approach could work because we have a good amount of trust between us. Also I expressed myself with honest emotions, which he seems to understand better than words.

What I don’t want is to create a punishment around the gate, as I don’t want this to turn into a power struggle area. I’m afraid if I punished him and came down to harsh or controlling he would retaliate, later, when he is mad at me by sneaking under the gate again.”

Here’s my response:

Hey Mindy,

That sounds really scary.

First let me say, nice job! You’ve handled the situation well and your instincts are right on, not wanting to make it into too huge a deal etc. I really liked what you said about how much trust you’ve built with Thomas.

However, for a child as young as Thomas (about 2 yo) it’s difficult to distinguish between times when it’s ok and times when it’s not ok to go under the gate.

If I were you, I’d have an absolutely NEVER policy about going under the gate. That way, Thomas knows that it’s NOT OK to slide under the gate.

It helps kids his age to have the rules be really black and white, and since he has very little impulse control (which is typical for kids his age), I suspect he’s not capable of distinguishing between “when an adult is here it’s ok but when I’m all alone it’s not ok”.

When it comes to safety it’s really a good idea to have specific rules that can never be strayed from. For instance, we ALWAYS hold hands when we cross the street…

If you’re worried about enforcing the rules, then you may have to institute a policy of always supervising outside play until you trust Thomas to respect the rule. In fact, make sure you’re on hyper alert and supervising his outdoor activities more closely at least for the next few weeks.

If you see him going near the gate, catch him before he’s actually beginning to go under and remind him of the rule. You can be lighthearted or stern about this depending on how you feel in the moment. A lighthearted approach might work if he’s not touching the gate, but I’d use a more stern voice if he’s actually about to slide under. You really want to get his attention and remind him that it’s NOT OK to go under the gate.

Thomas might resist the rule or test your resolve, which is where the increased supervision comes in- if he knows he can’t get away with it, he’s more likely to relax into the new rule. But if he can sneak out repeatedly, he’ll begin to think it’s a fun game and a great way to get Mommy’s attention. He may even begin to enjoy the intensity of your reaction. If you can remain calm, but clear about the rule, and take responsibility for enforcing it, everyone wins. And it won’t take more than a few weeks for Thomas to forget about the gate (for now).

So, for Thomas’ safety do whatever you have to do to make sure he doesn’t slide under the gate again. Even if that means standing between him and the gate and physically stopping him, it’s much better than the alternative of inadvertently reinforcing a dangerous behavior. Just remember to breathe and express the rule or boundary powerfully.

You may want to remind him a couple of times when he’s near the gate, or even before he goes outside. “Hey Bud, remember, we stay inside the gate so that we can be safe from cars!” But only do this if you think he’s got the idea first- ideally he’ll forget about the gate entirely and enjoy other stuff outside. And if he’s already let go of the idea, you don’t want to remind him!

One more thing to do is to provide some very interesting distractions and activities in the back yard that keep him close so you can keep an eye on him. Sidewalk chalk, painting with water on the sidewalk, a bubble machine, sand/bean play, and window washing are all fun activities for little ones Thomas’ age. And they keep him more stationary, so you can glance over and keep an eye on him while you attend to little Tabitha.

Lastly, I wonder what the reasons are for this behavior. Is Thomas bored? Is he trying to tell you that he misses playing with you in the back yard? Is it possible he’s experiencing a little too much freedom for a two year old to handle?

Maybe he’s asking for a little more guidance and direction. I know it can be challenging to meet the needs of both of your children, especially when one is younger, smaller, and still nursing. And the other is running around exploring voraciously.

But I think it’s important to learn to integrate multiple developmental stages into our daily lives so that everyone is stimulated and enjoying their work!

And, the more you can direct Thomas toward activities that will nurture his body and mind (and away from destructive behaviors), the more you’ll prepare him to make good decisions for himself as he grows up.

So, I hope this all helps. And I want to reiterate- you’re doing great and you’re a fantastic mom already. Just the fact that you’re willing to reach out for more information when you’re faced with a difficult situation inspires me so much.

I’ve gotta go for now, but thought you would want to know asap about these developmental considerations so that you can begin to create even more clarity for Thomas about what the rules are.

Have fun!
Tons of love, Shelly

P.S. I really want to know what you think about Mindy’s question and my response. Please leave your comments in the box below. Thanks!