And, by the time you’re actually getting a good night’s sleep (except for the occasional accident or vomiting in the bed), they’re running around like crazy people and screaming, “Play with me! Play with me!” and wanting to go to the park and the pool and everywhere else they can think of.  Whew!  I feel tired just thinking about it.

I’ve heard some divorced parents admit that they’re actually relieved when they’re kids go to their co-parent’s house.  And now that I’m a parent myself, I can see why!  It really does take a village, doesn’t it?  I think we should all have statues erected in our honor if we survive parenthood long enough to see our adult children become exhausted parents.

As a kid, one of the things I never understood was why my parents didn’t have the energy to play with me all the time or take me wherever I wanted.  The idea that resting would be more fun than constant activity was a completely foreign concept.  I think the only time I was still was when I was mesmerized by the television or forced to sleep.

One of the things I loved about being a nanny for twins was that at least they always had each other to play with.  But the truth is, you can’t always just pawn off the littler kids with the bigger kids.  In fact, sometimes that creates more of a hassle than a help.

So, what do we do when we’re tuckered out and our kids are raring to go?  Well, I like to set them up with a self-directed activity and then sit nearby and read a book or rest while they are engaged in playing and learning at the same time.  Here’s a post I wrote a while back about some things kids can do mostly on their own.

There are tons of things that kids would love to do themselves, but often it feels like more work to let them.  Take cooking for instance.  Everyone I know loves to eat cookies.  And kids love to mix and bake them too.  Sure, they’re likely to make more of a mess than you would, but amazingly, they also often ENJOY cleaning up too!  I wrote a post about how to get kids to help with clean up too.

But, once you have them set up with an activity, the really challenging part begins.  We as parents must choose to take care of ourselves and actually REST, rather than jumping up to do another load of laundry or cleaning up after our kids while they’re still making a mess.  We need to learn to stop and take a break!

So, what can you do to maximize the 5-10min. window you have when the kids are happily engaged?  Here’s a list of some of my favorites:

1)     Close my eyes and take deep breaths (or meditate)

2)    Read a novel

3)    Take a bath

4)   Sit outside and watch the wind blowing through the trees

5)    Yoga

6)    Take a cat nap

7)    Smell the roses (literally)

What are the things that you could do to maximize the few minutes of restful time you can squeeze out of the day?  And how else do you deal with the exhaustion of parenting?  Please let me know, I could really use some help on this one!

Have a great week, Shelly

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

Here are a few empowering thoughts, assumptions, questions, and some dialogue that have helped me change gears and reconnect with a young person after I’ve felt frustrated or hurt:

Q: My 20 mo. old son is throwing things in clear defiance of my wishes.  It seems like he WANTS to upset me.

New interpretation: He’s just asking to play.

Challenge: How can we make it a safe/fun/mutual game?

Inside Shelly’s head:

Oh no, he’s going to throw that.  “Stop!”, He throws it anyway and aims at something breakable but misses.  “Wow, I’m so glad you aimed away from the flower pot!  That flowerpot is fragile and breakable and it would be expensive to replace it.  Hmmm, I wonder what would be good to throw something at…Oh!  I know!  Let’s throw beanbags into the special hole we made!  I want the red beanbag, which one do you want?  I’m going to throw it into the hole.  Can you make it into the hole? C’mon!  Let’s go get the beanbags!”

Q:  My 18 mo. old daughter uses a blood curdling scream when she wants attention and sometimes for no reason that we know of.

New interpretation: She’s curious how I’ll respond.

Challenge:  How composed can I remain?

Inside Shelly’s head:

How would my best self respond?  Calmly.  The less I react, the less power her actions have and the easier it will be to redirect.  I will remain calm and remind her to use an inside voice.  If she continues I will either leave the room or take her outside to scream.  After she screams, I’ll get really close to her and whisper in her ear, “Let’s use our inside voices.  And if you need to scream, let’s go outside.  Which one? Inside voices or outside?”

Your practice this week is to find a new interpretation for a challenging situation with your kids.  And then come up with a challenge for yourself that you will meet with gusto.  I would love to hear how it goes!

Have a great week, Shelly

P.S.  If you’d like to see an email exchange I had with my dear friend and yoga instructor Kendra about her challenges with her young son, keep reading.  I think her questions and my responses will be useful for anyone who has a willful toddler at home.

Kendra:   I definitely feel tested these days by my son saying ‘no’ (or ‘no way’) when I ask him to do things

Shelly:  At 21mo. Trent is still pretty young to consistently help out with things like putting toys away and cleaning up in general.  You can ask or even insist that he help, but if I were you, I’d invite him and then go ahead and clean up myself happily if he says no.  Essentially you’re modeling joyful tidiness and taking pride in your home environment.  He will likely join in more often the more fun it seems to do so.  And when he’s two and a half to three years old you can begin to require a few consistent cleaning tasks.  For now, it’s more about fun, play, and helping out joyfully.  When you can get him to happily put one toy away consistently, then move on to three toys.

Kendra:  The other night when I asked him to help me put all his animals away, he said ‘no’ & threw one of them at me.  It didn’t seem like it was out of anger – more just testing…

Shelly: It sounds like he’s looking for a boundary here.  I think I would let him know that it’s never OK to throw things at people, unless you’re playing catch.  You might be dramatic in your response, like “WHOA!  A flying dinosaur!  I’m so glad that didn’t hit me.  That would really hurt.  Do you remember which things are OK to throw? I’m going to put the animals away now.”  You don’t want to give too much energy or attention to the behavior you don’t want.  Instead, redirect his attention to something you DO want.

Kendra:  He also does it with hitting the windows – something that is never ok, and I do try to give him options, like he can hit the wall or the drums or the couch, just never the windows – he will look right at me & hit the window.

Shelly:  Awesome job offering him alternatives!  Again, this is a boundary issue.  This one is a little bit trickier because a broken window is a huge hassle.  Luckily he’s still small enough for you to physically remove him if you need to.  I have a couple of suggestions here.  First, out of sight out of mind.  If there is a window that he hits most often I would barricade it, cover it with a curtain or find some other way to make it disappear.  If it’s a window that you need access to, I would make a point of stopping whatever you’re doing as soon as you see him considering hitting the window.

Because he’s so young, he’s unable to stop himself from following through on most of his impulses, so asking him not to hit the window when it’s within reach isn’t going to be effective (until he’s a little older).  Instead, I’d run right over there and move him away from the window and THEN say, “We don’t hit windows.  Windows are breakable and fragile.  If you want to sit next to the window I will sit with you to make sure the window is safe.”  Then as you build trust by close supervision you can relax your supervision over time.

Kendra:   He is simultaneously often very clingy – hanging on to my leg while I’m trying to make breakfast & wanting to get up & be held & nurse a LOT.

Shelly: This is totally normal and a little bit crazy making.  I wonder what would shift if you had some dedicated snuggle time on the floor in the kitchen before breakfast.  Maybe you can head this off at the pass?  Also, consider setting him up with a fun food prep activity at his high chair before you start breakfast.  He could slice a banana with a butter knife, or mash a banana or other fruit with a fork or small potato masher. He may even be able to peel an apple orange or banana. If you want more ideas for activities he can do on his own, let’s talk on the phone so I can get a better idea of his small motor skill level and coordination.

Kendra:  but then also throwing things at me, which really triggers me

Shelly: “Trent! You may NOT throw things at me.  If you’d like to play catch then go get a ball, but if you throw things at me I’m going into my room where I feel safe.”  When you take away your attention every time he throws something at you, he won’t get the emotional response he’s interested in.  In this instance I think it’s better to walk away than to give him further attention.  After you’ve established the boundary to your satisfaction, you may even choose to ignore the offense and simply walk away whenever it happens.  I think it will cease within a few weeks if you’re consistent with this.  However, if he knows that he’s producing an interesting emotional response in you, he’ll be compelled to do it again and again because he’s so curious about his own power and the emotional connections and disconnections between people.

Kendra:   Or, when I’m changing him:  he’ll kick me – playfully – but when i tell him not too (or that mama doesn’t like that because it hurts), he smiles & thinks it’s a game & does it more & I just do not know how to get my point across!

Shelly:  In this case I think he’s asking you to play with him.  If you can find a different game to play during changing time that’s even more fun, he’ll quickly switch his focus.  You could try “this little piggy” or eating his feet or raspberries on his tummy, you might play peek-a-boo with a blanket, or just surprise him with a loud “BOO!” and get him giggling.

Kendra:   The other day culminated in me sitting on the floor, crying & Trent laughing at me.

Shelly: I’m so sorry.  That does not sound fun.  It sounds like you could begin to work on some empathy skills with Trent too.  As you’re reading books or experiencing interactions with others just put special emphasis on the emotional content and ask him questions about it.  “Do you think that little boy is feeling happy or sad? Wow, that looks like hard work, would you like to go help? or Lucy looks sad, I’m going to give Lucy a hug to help her feel better.” etc.  Trent won’t be able to experience a lot of empathy until he’s out of the parallel play period and interacting directly with more peers, but you can begin to give him some information and insight into the emotional worlds of others now.

Most importantly, don’t forget that you are doing an AMAZING job of mothering.  You are incredibly skilled, caring and compassionate most of the time, so give yourself a break once in a while.  It’s OK to set strong boundaries and even to lose your composure once in a while.  Trent knows that he’s loved and cared for.

My friend would touch the body part, clean it with care and think to herself, “Thank you hands, for everything you help me hold and manipulate.  Arms, I appreciate you for all the things you’ll help me carry today and all the things you helped me carry yesterday.  Ears, you are so incredibly useful and enjoyable.  Thank you for allowing me to hear music.  Feet!  You help me balance so beautifully…”  Sometimes she would give extra special care to a body part that was hurting or ailing her in some way.

When I first heard my friend talk about this practice I thought it sounded like way too much work first thing in the morning, but over the years I find myself doing this very thing more and more.  And the more I acknowledge my various body parts the more I enjoy and appreciate them.

I recently got a Tom Chapin CD from the library and my daughter and I listen to it throughout the day.  One song is called “My face” and the lyrics are all about why he likes the various parts of his face.   He likes his eyes, they’re like his spies, etc.  When we listen to the song, I notice the contrast of all the times during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood that I have failed to appreciate my body.

What frightens me is the thought that my own daughter could (and likely will) experience some of the same disdain for her wonderful body that I did as a young person.  Our culture seems to value only one body type for women and if girls only see supermodels in magazines and compare themselves to the one percent of women who are tall, thin, and busty, they are sure to find fault in their own bodies.  And it’s not just girls who are at risk for low self-esteem due to poor body image.  Boys also see the ultra muscular guys in catalogs and think that they can’t possibly measure up.

Luckily for us, by honoring, appreciating, and celebrating our bodies we can subvert the pop culture idea of beauty and teach our children about real and lasting beauty.  I want my daughter to experience the kind of beauty that pours out of me when I’m feeling great inhabiting my body.  I want her to know that my eyes look more radiant and alive when I’m in a state of gratitude than they do when I put a bunch of make-up on them.

My husband is a chiropractor and enjoys studying anatomy so lately there have been a few anatomy books around the house.  Every time I pick one up I learn something new and experience a sense of awe at the complexity and perfection of the human body.

So this week, notice and appreciate everything you can about your body.  Share the things you notice with your children and ask them to join you in paying extra special attention to our wonderful bodies.  They really are incredible!

Have a fantastic week!  Warmly, Shelly

The older I get, the more I try to be like my mom in that moment.  Not the checked out staring off into nothingness part (although that’s kinda nice sometimes), but the part of her that is able just to sit, and contemplate life, and enjoy the present moment.  The more years I get under my belt, the more I appreciate just being.  And the less I think that it’s the “doing” that will define me in other people’s minds (or in their memory of me once I’m gone).  Not that doing is a bad thing; in fact I quite like doing things.  But remembering just to be; And to be peaceful and joyful as I go about my daily life.

This is a foreign concept to kids, or at least it was to me as a kid.  I just wanted to learn new things and grow and reach out in every way I could.  To just sit and breathe was the last thing on my mind.  You see, the thing is, kids are busy bodies.  I’m not sure exactly what it is about being young that makes us want to figure everything out as quickly as possible, or even gives us the notion that anything ultimately CAN be figured out.  But regardless of what drives them, young people are notoriously busy “getting into things”.

As an adult sharing my home with a child, I see it as my job to provide wonderfully rich opportunities for learning and making those activities as safe, easy to access, and perfectly challenging for each child’s unique level of development as I can.  Because in a well prepared environment, being a busy body can be a great thing.  And, if we prepare the environment well enough, our kids will hardly need to bother us at all as they go about the business of learning, which doesn’t mean they actually won’t bother us, it just means they’ll do it because they want to, instead of because they need us to get their markers or a measuring cup down for them.  But for at least some of the time, we can simply sit and breathe and do a whole lot of nothing.

After all, isn’t being a peaceful, relaxed, and happy human the most challenging thing to learn of all?  I’ll write more about preparing your home for children’s autonomy in future blogs.  But for now, I’ll just say, lets figure out ways to let our kids be the busy bodies that they naturally are in positive ways while we practice just sitting and being still once in a while.  Now that’s what I’d call perfectly challenging for everyone!

Have a great week and please let me know how it’s going by leaving a comment below.

Thanks, Shelly

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem.  What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. In one, I had to rescue my infant from a hot car where she was locked inside. In another, I realized I had inadvertently let her slip under the water as we were taking a bath. Luckily, when I pulled her out of the water, I realized she had been holding her breath. What these dreams tell me is that even though I usually feel secure and confident about my parenting, a part of me fears that I could create irreparable damage to my child. And although I know this is a common fear that all parents experience, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

The truth is our children will face circumstances that may be difficult or painful and that we actually can’t control. So even in the moments when we’re being the absolutely best parents we can be, our kids can still get hurt or sick. I think that is the most unsettling part of being a parent. And ultimately we have to accept that we live in an imperfect world and we’re all just doing the best we can.

So how can we develop a stronger core belief that we are good parents even in the midst of the uncertainties of life?

Let’s start by acknowledging the moments when we’re at our best. Right now think of three of your favorite moments with your kids in the past week. Maybe there was a sweet snuggle, or a moment when you read that bedtime story for the third time in a row, or a time when you turned a potential power struggle into a fun game. Grab a notebook and write down these important reminders of the moments when you were the parent you wanted to be. And when fears arise, take a deep breath, remember that you and your child are safe, and put your attention on something you enjoy and appreciate about the now.

After all, it’s never really the things we worry about that end up happening anyway. And when all else fails, call your own mom (or a supportive friend) and let her tell you what a great parent you are.

Strategy #1 Whisper

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but it’s also like using reverse psychology. When you walk up and whisper in your child’s ear, they will be compelled to listen and become quiet themselves (so they can hear you). I’ve been shocked by how well this has worked in the classroom and in a house full of kids. I think it’s because no matter what it seems like, kids are always looking to the adult in charge to set the tone and when our example shows them that it’s quiet time, they often fall in line easily.

There also seems to be some magically contagious quality of sound level. Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a loud restaurant, you begin to speak loudly so that you’ll be heard, and pretty soon you look around and the entire restaurant full of people are yelling at each other? I’ve tried the opposite and begun to speak softly in a loud, crowded space and pretty soon, the people near me are speaking more softly too!

So the moral of this story is, you’re in charge of the sound level in your house and you don’t even have to enforce a strong policy, you can simply be quiet yourself, and quietly remind your kids to do the same.

Strategy #2 Get empathy elsewhere and give empathy to your kids

It is amazing how much easier it is to cooperate with someone who genuinely cares what your experience is. So, if you’re feeling frustrated and fed up, pull your spouse into the other room for a minute, or call a friend or family member and ask them if you can vent. Then just let it all out and allow another adult to support you through listening and empathy. You may even take a moment to give yourself some empathy. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling and needing right now?” Then, after you’ve regained some composure, consider what’s happening for your kids. What are they feeling and needing?

When you approach them, first offer some empathy, “Wow, this game is really fun for you right now isn’t it? And you really want to keep playing instead of getting ready to go.” Or “Hmmm, are you feeling grumpy because your sister wouldn’t share with you?” When kids realize that you understand what they’re going through, they are able to relax and cooperate much more easily. So, after you think your child feels heard, you can ask for what you’re wanting calmly.

Strategy #3 Let them know how upset you are by using a traffic light system

So you’re thinking, sure, I can empathize or whisper, but how will they know how angry I am about the broken lamp unless I yell? I like to use a traffic light analogy with kids to help them understand how I’m feeling when I don’t want to yell and scream or give them the silent treatment. Green light means we’re all having fun and everything’s great. Yellow light means I see a potential problem, I’m not feeling heard, or I need their attention immediately. Red light means if something doesn’t change very quickly we’re all in trouble because I’m about to lose my cool and I’m likely to dole out some consequences. In some cases I’ve drawn a traffic light on a card and colored in the appropriate light. Then, sometimes I don’t even have to say anything, I simply hold up the card and everyone in the room knows what my status is. The great thing about the cards is that they’re easy for anyone to use. So, often I see kids begin to use them with each other as a healthy way to express their upset without yelling or hitting one another. I often tell young people that if they get to a red light with each other, it’s time to find an adult to mediate. I know these strategies have helped me and my clients immensely. I’m curious how they will work for you. Please let me know or share another strategy you’ve discovered! Have a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

Sometimes we think fighting is just “what kids (or adults) do,” rather than a way we engage when our needs aren’t getting met. I prefer to think of engaging peacefully as “what we do,” and that when we get off track, we can use a hand to get back to a place of connection.

I remember when my son was about three, his dad was in a bread-making phase. Sometimes I liked the results, and sometimes I didn’t. While at the local farmer’s market, my son and I found a particularly yummy loaf of walnut bread, and brought it home discreetly. When his dad saw it, he became incredulous.

“Bread??? You BOUGHT bread!?!?!?”

Canaan felt the tension here. I’ll never forget his response. He raised his body up, opened his arms to the two of us, and proclaimed,

“We all eat bread! There’s farmer’s market bread, and Da-da’s bread, and all kinds of bread to eat.”

Well, shall we let a thousand flowers bloom, or what?

I see this as his attempt to introduce a larger perspective, or “third side,” to his dad’s and my moment of polarization. Sometimes all this takes is showing up with a loving, aware presence.

I remember my stepmother discovering the term “triangualation” in the 80’s, and telling me it was “toxic.” She was referring to one person getting into, or in between two other people who were having a difficult time, creating a “triangle” of three people. Unfortunately, this was the only term in our universe at that time to describe a third person entering into an interaction with two others. There was no positive way to describe a third side to an entanglement.

Today, as a mediator and lifetime student of conflict resolution, I see many ways a third person can show up in a family and help to ease tensions for the other two or more people who are having a hard time to make things easier. This is something humans do intuitively, even when the results aren’t optimal. Kids do it, too, as my son demonstrated above.

Below I’ll outline some “business as usual” ways of intervening—examples from my own childhood, and what I still see around me—that don’t meet my needs for connection and respect. Then I’ll suggest some alternatives that do meet my needs for connection and respect.

Business-as-usual interventions

1 – Demand that the interaction stop. My sister and I used to get that a lot. “Would you kids just stop fighting!?”

2 – Interpret the scenario, and explain who deserves what.  “You grabbed the toy from her, so now you can wait until she finishes pummeling it.”

3 – Take over the interaction. “Okay, give me the toy, you obviously can’t share it peacefully. You can have it back in ten minutes.”

I can see any of these interventions as strategies for adults to find peace in the family. I’ve used some versions of these myself.

However, in the long run, since none of these relates to what’s going on inside the participants, or involves them in the decision-making process, I see them as merely directing traffic rather than connecting or empowering. Sometimes we do that just to get by. If we can supplant a significant part of our traffic direction with family mediation that connects and empowers, we can help to build trust and skills within our family so that the next time, the young ones (or the adults) may have more tools in their toolbox to work out the conflict themselves.

Here are some ways to intervene that do meet my needs for connection and respect:

1 – Say what you’re hearing said, and ask the other party to reflect it back. “I just heard Malika say she didn’t want to play that game any more—could you tell me what you heard her say?” Then give the other side equal time, and help the first person hear them, too.

2 – Say what you’re seeing or hearing, how you feel, what you need, and what you’d like. “When I hear the sound of your voices right now, I feel anxious. I need peace. Would you be willing to play in the other room, or at least keep your voices down if you want to stay in here? (In fairness, this is a lot harder than it sounds.)

3 – Guess at what each person is feeling. “Chong, it looks like you’re feeling sad. Are you wanting to play with Paulina and Sandip?” “Paulina, were you enjoying what you were doing, and having a hard time figuring out how to include Chong?”

4 – Ask for cooperation in a peaceful solution. “Joseph, would you be willing to let Sasha know when you’re done with the Wii? Sasha, would you like to help me with making the cookies until then?”

If you can do part of the above, you may be able to use your position as the “third side” of the conflict to change the tone of an interaction from antagonistic to respectful. And, like contention, even a little peace in a family can go a long way.

Please let us know how it works out!

And have a great week, Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

After I had my first baby my neighbor told me that I can no longer call it “going on vacation” if kids are involved, and that she refers to it as traveling or taking a trip.  It took me a couple years and many attempts at vacationing with kids to fully grasp what she meant.

A vacation implies a break, and traveling with young kids, especially more than one, is anything but that.  In fact, in nearly every way it is more difficult, more work, and more exhausting than staying home .  Labeling the trip as a vacation is really just setting yourself up for disappointment as it seems even more painful to be up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or time-zone-wacked toddler when you’re paying $200 a night for the “experience” in lodging alone.

Here are some things that have helped add a little vacation to our trips:

Travel with extended family

Of course, this only works if you have family you like enough to be around AND they are good with your kids.  But if you really think about it, you probably have at least someone who qualifies.  Maybe a niece who likes kids and would love a free place to stay by the beach?

BK (before kids) I never would have considered bringing my mother along for a beach vacation with my husband as it would completely cramp the intimacy and probably drive me crazy, but now she’s the only hope we have of intimacy and I’m making it an annual thing!

If you’re inviting relatives, it’s best to be clear about everyone’s expectations up front (before booking the trip) including the financial side.  If you are want help with the kids you need to make a clear request, such as “My husband and I can really use some alone time to reconnect, would you be willing to you watch the kids for two afternoons and one evening while we go out?”

Other Help

If you really can’t fathom the idea of vacationing with ANYONE you have a blood relationship with, seriously consider forking out the money to take along a babysitter or nanny.  Some people will be happy to come along and provide a certain number of childcare hours as a trade if you are paying for part or all of their trip, especially if they can bring a friend or significant other.  For us, it means we take far less vacations because they are more expensive when we’re paying for additional people, but since it’s so much more of a vacation WITH the help it’s worth it.

The holy grail of help is traveling where there are other kids for your kids to play with, so if there is any way to orchestrate this by traveling with another family (and perhaps bringing and splitting the cost of a nanny) go for it!

Minimize changing locations

Everyone will probably be happier if you stay at one place for 9 days than 3 places for 3 days.   Kids need a couple days to get in a rhythm at a new place and figure out how and what to play, what the sleeping arrangements are, and really feel comfortable.  If you are changing locations every couple days the kids are more likely to act out.

Multiple rooms

You’ll want at least two rooms and at least one of them to get pretty dark so your child doesn’t wake up at the crack of dawn local time just because it’s too bright in the room.  The multiple rooms is worth the extra cash, even if everyone is sharing one bed, because you will need a place to hang out with your mate while the kids are (hopefully) napping or down early.

Kitchen or Kitchenette

You’ll probably more than save the money you pay for this extra in not having to eat out for every meal.  You’ll also have much more relaxed dining experiences and less hunger related meltdowns if you can just eat-on-demand in.

Family Friendly Resorts

I’ve found various resorts that cater to kids & families by offering activities for kids, childcare (either babysitters or daycare “kids clubs”, or both), kids pools with slides, kids food options, and so on.  I haven’t stayed at any of the places I’ve researched because we prefer smaller, B&B type places and our kids generally don’t go for being watched by people they don’t know, but these could be a godsend.

And… possibly most importantly…. Do Less

Getting everyone fed, dressed, and down the to beach or pool expends more than enough effort, why try to pack in that amusement park that they are probably too young  or old for anyway or is much too crowded? (Unless of course Grandma is taking them!)

It can take a day or two for the kids to adjust to having you around so much and so much unstructured time, but they’ll adjust and probably thrive on having endless open afternoons at the same beach, woods, park or just yard day after day.

Please share your wisdom and stories of how you have traveled with kids.

Mindy Ranney
www.ranney.com

Sleep deprivation makes a huge impact on all sorts of brain functions.   Recent studies have shown marked negative impacts on mood, cognitive performance and motor function in people who are sleep deprived.  One study I read stated that “profound neurocognitive deficits accumulate over time” in people who are deprived of sleep.

If you’re a parent, I know you’ve experienced sleep deprivation on some level.  It’s starting for me during the last month of pregnancy.  And I know my sleep will be disrupted for many months to come as I breastfeed through the night.

Even when your kids are older, they wake up in the middle of the night vomiting or they wet the bed or they have a nightmare they can’t shake.  And although it decreases as your kids get older, you’re likely to have some sleep deprivation when your kids are teenagers too, as you wait up for them or worry about them when they’re out at night.

So the question I propose is, what can we do about it?  How can we mitigate some of the effects of sleep deprivation so that we can feel good, keep our wits about us, drive safely, and cook dinner without cutting or burning ourselves?

I have a few ideas.  First, take naps.  I don’t know about you, but in order to feel good about taking naps I had to work through a lot of beliefs that napping is “lazy” or “unproductive”.  Now that I’ve seen the sleep deprivation research, I know that taking naps is neither lazy nor unproductive.  And if it keeps me in a good mood and helps me have better motor coordination, I’d say it’s a pretty good solution to missing sleep at night.

So now you’re thinking, “That’s great, but who can find the time?!”  Well, I’d say, it’s just like anything else in life, if it’s a high priority, you’ll make the time.  And if you’re grumpy with your kids and you’re noticing that you can’t think straight, I think napping could become a high priority pretty quickly.  You can nap when your kids nap, or take turns with your partner.  Or, you can all nap together as a family.  If you have kids who don’t want to nap, set them up with some quiet activities that they can do nearby and get some rest, or call a friend or sitter to come over and hang out with your kids while you nap.

Here’s another thought to help you get the sleep you need.  Cut out the caffeine! Caffeine feels like the perfect solution when you’re so tired you can’t even imagine running errands or doing paper work, but when we use caffeine we trick our bodies into thinking they have more energy than they actually have.  We also throw our cortisol levels out of whack which can affect blood sugar, and even brain function.  Cortisol is considered the “stress hormone”, so let’s leave that one out of the equation whenever possible.

Lastly, I recommend you discover out the amount of sleep that works best for you and structure your life around getting it.  Often, we don’t know how much sleep we really need because we’re too busy doing what needs to be done to figure it out.  Sure, we all know that most people do well on 8 hours of sleep per night, but do you know how YOUR body best functions?

There was a short time when I worked only in the afternoons and I was able to get as much sleep as my body wanted.  I realized over the course of a few months  that 9 hours of sleep per night is the amount that’s right for me.  When I get 9 hours of sleep, I wake up easily, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.   And when I get less than 9 hours, I feel tired and grumpy, especially when I get less than 9 hours for several days in a row.

Now I structure my life around getting the sleep I need, and as a result I enjoy my life so much more!  So, consider that the “8 hours of sleep per night” is just a guideline and see what you can do to restructure your life so that you get as much sleep as you need.  I guarantee you’ll be a better parent as a result.

And, if you’re curious about the amount of sleep your child needs, I highly recommend “The No-cry Sleep Solution” books by Elizabeth Pantley.  You might be surprised how many of the things you think of as behavior problems or lack of coordination could actually be caused by sleep deprivation

Please share about your own experiences in the comment box below.  I always love to hear from you!

Have a restful week, Shelly