What are your children excited about doing all by themselves right now?  Tell me now!

How have you seen vestibular stimulation benefit your kids and family?

Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

A LOT can happen in an instant, and it’s unrealistic to think that you can be there in every moment. So, what can you do to foster a healthy sibling relationship and what is the appropriate response when things go haywire?

If your kids are experiencing some difficulties in their relationship the very first thing to do is to consider the big picture. What is the overall feeling between them? Does your younger child feel afraid of your older child? Does your older child seem to feel jealous of attention the younger child receives?

Once you’ve identified the overall tenor of the relationship, from your perspective, consider talking to your kids about their friendship. Ask them how THEY feel their sibling treats them. Really take their feedback into your overall image of what’s really going on.

Next, consider the past week or two. Can you identify the specific triggers to the behavior you don’t want? For instance, have you noticed that every time you’re reading a story to your younger child, your older child runs up and hits him? Or does your younger child tend to invade your older child’s space resulting in a conflict?

As you think about the conflicts of the past week or month, be sure to consider all sides. Avoid the temptation to blame all conflicts on the older child, just because she’s older. Sometimes, the behavior of a younger child can be the triggering event too. And, any time you find yourself thinking that one child is the culprit and the other is a completely innocent bystander, stop yourself.

Most often there’s a dynamic between the two (or three) that needs to shift and if your beloved child feels that you’re taking sides against her, she may feel hurt and betrayed. Instead, try to empathize with both parties.

Now that you’ve identified some specific triggers to behavior that doesn’t work for you, you’re well on your way to fostering a kind and caring relationship between siblings.

So, if you’re clear about what the triggers are you have a few choices.

You can: 1) Prevent and avoid the trigger altogether by

a) identifying and addressing the unmet needs of the aggressor or

b) letting go of unrealistic expectations and creating a more doable scenario

2) Offer an alternative to the negative behavior that is even more fun

3) Be a safe haven for a frustrated or fearful child

Here’s an example. Let’s say Ben is hitting his little sister Sally, whenever she comes near his action figures. You can prevent the conflict by realizing that when Ben plays with his action figures he’s needing space and safety, he wants to know that his sister isn’t going to mess up his game, so you can invite him to play in his room with the door closed, or give him a rug to indicate his play space and then help his sister respect his space.

If Sally isn’t able to respect his space when he’s in the shared living space, then putting a closed door between them is a great way to help her. Or, you could invite Ben to play at the kitchen table where Sally can’t reach his toys. Alternatively, you can invite both kids to dance and sing with you in the living room instead of playing with action figures, or maybe they’d like to play a dress up game and put on a play for you.

And lastly, if Ben knows that he can come to you when Sally interrupts his game, and you’ll actually help him figure out a way to continue his independent play, he’s more likely to call out to you or come and get you, rather than hitting Sally. One the other hand, if he knows he’ll get the half baked response, “Why don’t you just let your sister play?” then he feels he’s on his own and has to do whatever it takes to protect his game.

I’d better wrap this up for today, but I would love to hear about what’s happening for you and what works or doesn’t work at your house!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

It’s all pretty interesting stuff, so here’s what I’ve learned so far…

1)     We dream in all stages of sleep, not just REM sleep and scientists think that REM sleep dreams are specifically designed as practice to help us figure out how to handle emotionally difficult situations.

2)    Children today get an hour less sleep per night than children did just 30 years ago.

3)    Just 15 min. of extra sleep at night has been shown to give kids higher cognitive functioning, better test scores and better grades in school.

4)   A LOT of the symptoms of both ADHD and clinical depression are identical to symptoms of long-term sleep deprivation.

5)    A lack of sleep causes chemical changes in the body that may be the underlying cause of the obesity epidemic here in the US.

6)    Sleep is crucial to learning and if allowed to sleep in between lessons, subjects show marked improvements in newly learned skills.

7)    While adults only spend 4% of sleep in the slow wave stage of sleep, Children spend almost 40% of their sleep there.

Clearly, there’s a LOT going on regarding sleep and the optimal functioning of our amazing brain.  From our own experiences we know that sleep is crucial to learning.  Haven’t you ever learned something new and then gone to sleep and dreamed about it all night long?  Well, the research bears out this intuitive knowledge that sleep is crucial to learning.

So, why are kids getting less sleep?  Well, I have some theories.  First, screen time and bright lights at night have been shown to disrupt our circadian rhythms, so kids are having a harder time falling asleep because they’ve recently been exposed to bright lights or screens.  And then there’s the fact that so many working parents are working such long hours that they barely get to see their kids in the evening.  So parents are keeping their kids up later so that they can have some time together during the week.  And children don’t seem to be complaining.  Obviously they will try to stay up as late as we will let them, not realizing the long-term consequences of sleep deprivation.

So, as conscious, aware parents, we have got to put our children’s long-term health and well-being above our momentary desire for fifteen more minutes with them at the end of a long day.  Now that we have this new, proven knowledge of the importance of sleep, it’s our job to take action.

We need to reclaim the “lost hour” and boy will we be glad when we have.  After taking a good hard look at the research, I’m convinced that by putting sleep first, we’ll all end up with happier, more focused, higher functioning, and better adjusted kids.  And what could possibly be more important than that?

Have a restful week, Shelly

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule.  But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school.  If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life.  They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain.  Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting.  With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving.  It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention.  Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme.  You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box.  Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else.  Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids.  Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre!  As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories.  Please leave me a comment!  And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday.  If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiredlady and scroll down to the show called “Excuse me but this is my child”

I first learned self-hypnosis during my pregnancy through my Hypnobabies birthing class.  Through the use of guided CDs we created a “switch” that I can now use to turn off the muscles of my body and completely relax.  It’s one of the best skills I’ve learned in the past year.

So now, whenever I find myself ruminating or tense when I’d rather be relaxing, I simply “turn off” and instantly relax my entire body.  Amazingly, the process of turning off my muscles seems to naturally relax my thoughts too!

I have struggled with pain during my entire nursing experience.  For the first 9 weeks of my daughter’s life the pain was so excruciating that I would bite my hand in order to take my attention away from my nipples.  And now, more than 7 months into nursing, I still have days when my daughter’s mouth feels like a vice clamp.

It took me a while, but in the past few weeks I suddenly remembered what I learned in my birthing class and have been practicing “turning off” when I begin to nurse.  Wow, what a difference!  Instead of leaving a nursing session in pain and tension, I actually feel relaxed and refreshed.  And I’m certain that my milk is flowing more easily now that I’m more relaxed too.

So, how does this apply to you?  Well, you might think that self-hypnosis is difficult, takes lots of training, or wouldn’t be possible for you, but I’ve learned that we are in a state of hypnosis often throughout our day, we just might not recognize it.

Have you ever had the experience of driving somewhere routine, letting your mind wander, and then realizing that you’ve arrived but having no memory of the turns or lights along the way?  You were in hypnosis.  Your conscious mind didn’t need to pay attention to the driving because you’re already a masterful driver, so your consciousness was freed up to attend to other things.  Hypnosis is nothing more than a trance that we can consciously choose to put ourselves in for our own benefit.

Some people find the idea of hypnosis scary and fear that by allowing themselves to be hypnotized, they’re giving their power away.  That’s actually not the case, but even if it was, if you’re hypnotizing yourself, then you’re giving your power away to…yourself!  In my experience, self-hypnosis is simply the quickest and easiest way to let go of tension and fully relax and rest both my body and my mind.

What if you could use hypnosis to change your experience of something unpleasant you’re currently experiencing?  I’m using it to relax and enjoy nursing more.  Perhaps you could use it so that you can be present with your child during a tantrum without the anxiety that usually accompanies that experience.  Or maybe you could use it during household chores that you normally don’t enjoy.  You might just use self-hypnosis to get to sleep quickly at night, even after a busy day.

I’m curious, do you have an experience with hypnosis?  Do you find it to be beneficial or not?  I hope you’ll share your story with us here…

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

My daughter has Erb’s palsy brought on by her shoulder dystocia during birth.  At first I didn’t notice anything wrong, and since most babies heal on their own without any intervention, I just assumed she would too.   She did seem to prefer to use her right arm and hand, but I didn’t know that wasn’t normal.

We have a wonderful pediatric physical therapist who is teaching me all about arm, shoulder and hand development in infants.  She’s taught me that at three months old, Julia shouldn’t have a handedness or preference for one side over the other.  So, I started paying closer attention to the specific movements we’re looking for and truly comparing her arm and hand development on the left with the development of the right.  Much to my amazement there are differences that had gone unnoticed by me in the past.  Although she’s starting to use her left arm more and more, she does raise her right arm above her head more often than she does with her left.

So, what does this have to do with you and with parenting in general?  My point is that if we’re not paying close attention to the physical, emotional, and social development of our kids, things can slip through the cracks unnoticed.  We have to take the time to actually pay attention to where kids are developmentally in order to know that they’re on track and, more importantly, in order to know how to challenge and encourage them to develop further.

Luckily, children are born with an innate desire to learn and grow, so even if we’re not paying attention, most kids will continue to develop.  But if you’re reading this, then you want to help your child in every way you can so that he can reach his full potential.  In order to do that, you’ve got to know where your child is at and what the next steps of development are.

If your child is acting out with tantrums, biting, hitting, or in some other way, observation is a key to making a change.  When you know exactly how she looks just before she bites, or you notice him getting more and more agitated as the day goes on and every evening he has a tantrum, you can start to head these things off at the pass.

And if you’re not having those kinds of challenges, but just want to support your child to achieve the next developmental milestone or learn the next thing that interests her, again observation will give you new information that will let you know how to intervene or what you might introduce next.

So, what exactly to I mean by “observation”?  I mean watching your child, noticing his preferences and interests, being aware of his abilities, knowing what’s easy for him and what’s difficult for him.  When we observe a child, we’re not intervening or interrupting, we’re simply watching quietly and taking note (or maybe literally taking notes) about the areas of learning or development that interest us.

We’re also not making judgments or evaluations; we’re just noticing what’s so.  Rather than thinking something like, “Joey hates to use his spoon.” A true observation might be more like, “Joey seems to prefer using his fingers to eat, he gets frustrated when he tries to use his spoon and often throws it down.”  Try to make your observations as scientific, accurate, and free of judgment as possible.  This can be tricky, judgments seem to sneak in when we least expect them.  So, be patient with yourself as you learn this new skill.

As an assistant teacher in a Montessori classroom a huge part of my job was to observe the children and report to the head teacher what I had noticed.  Together, the head teacher and I would come up with strategies to introduce the next opportunity for growth and development.  Sometimes it was a new lesson with a Montessori learning material, but other times it was a social milestone we wanted to encourage, so we would come up with strategies to help kids learn to share, or work as a team, or resolve their conflicts.

At home with your family you might notice things like conflict between family members, or a child’s desire to learn to cook.  You might suddenly realize that the baby is hungry or tired at a time when you didn’t expect it.  When you notice these things you can address them proactively by coming up with a plan and implementing it.  But if you never noticed, then there’s nothing you can do to help foster the rest, peace, or new skill you might want to support.

This week take some time to sit and quietly watch your kids.  Take notes about what you’re observing.  What’s happening?  What are your child’s strengths and challenges?  And consider what opportunities you might have to help your child in a new way, now that you’ve taken the time to observe exactly where she’s at right now.

Please leave any questions or share a story in the comment box below.  Thanks!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem.  What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. In one, I had to rescue my infant from a hot car where she was locked inside. In another, I realized I had inadvertently let her slip under the water as we were taking a bath. Luckily, when I pulled her out of the water, I realized she had been holding her breath. What these dreams tell me is that even though I usually feel secure and confident about my parenting, a part of me fears that I could create irreparable damage to my child. And although I know this is a common fear that all parents experience, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

The truth is our children will face circumstances that may be difficult or painful and that we actually can’t control. So even in the moments when we’re being the absolutely best parents we can be, our kids can still get hurt or sick. I think that is the most unsettling part of being a parent. And ultimately we have to accept that we live in an imperfect world and we’re all just doing the best we can.

So how can we develop a stronger core belief that we are good parents even in the midst of the uncertainties of life?

Let’s start by acknowledging the moments when we’re at our best. Right now think of three of your favorite moments with your kids in the past week. Maybe there was a sweet snuggle, or a moment when you read that bedtime story for the third time in a row, or a time when you turned a potential power struggle into a fun game. Grab a notebook and write down these important reminders of the moments when you were the parent you wanted to be. And when fears arise, take a deep breath, remember that you and your child are safe, and put your attention on something you enjoy and appreciate about the now.

After all, it’s never really the things we worry about that end up happening anyway. And when all else fails, call your own mom (or a supportive friend) and let her tell you what a great parent you are.

In the study, strong family ties counted as a social network, but I suspect that the social experiences we get to have with our peers and elders are hugely important.  So, if your only family ties are with your partner and kids, take a moment this week to consider how you can expand your social network to include some fun peer connections.   According to this study, it really could be a matter of life and death.

In my parenting coaching practice, I often work with moms who tell me they just don’t have time to connect with their friends anymore.  They struggle to get in some alone time or a workout here and there or a date with their husband, but they seem to forget that having a conversation with a girlfriend or going to lunch with an old college buddy can be just as important.

I know it’s not easy to connect with friends when your kids are around, but as a nanny, I managed to meet up with a girlfriend who also had a charge a couple of times a week.  We would chat at the park while we watched the kids play, or meet up for lunch and have a very disjointed, many times interrupted, conversation while we somehow got ourselves and the kids fed.  Or we’d walk to the library together and have a whispered adult conversation during toddler story time.

There really are ways to get your social needs met, even with young children.  And yes, it’s much different from the one on one social time you spent with your friends before there were kids in the picture.  You will get interrupted.  You may not get to finish your thought, or remember where you left off before that last diaper change, but you can still connect with an understanding friend, get some nourishing eye contact and a good hug and maybe even a thoughtful reflection or a tip or suggestion.  At the very least, you can remember that you’re not alone.

And then again, you may even be able to create opportunities to connect with friends WITHOUT your kids!  You can hire a babysitter or do a childcare trade with a trusted friend.  Or if you’re lucky, you can drop the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s for an afternoon or evening.  If your kids are older, you can schedule sleepovers at friend’s houses and actually have a night out on the town!

What are your favorite activities to do with your friends?  And when was the last time you actually made an effort to do those things together?!   I found the New York Times article sobering to say the least, and it reminds me that even as I welcome my first child into the world, I MUST prioritize my own health and wellbeing so that I can be the mom I want to be.  And I’m re-committed to staying in contact with my friends and family, even after becoming a parent.  I hope you’ll take on the challenge too.

So, this will be my last blog for a couple of months.  And  you get a treat!  I’ve collected guest blogs from some friends and conscious parents, so you’ll get some new ideas and perspectives while I’m on maternity leave.  And don’t worry, I’ll be back at the end of September or early October so regale you with my newest insights.  Have a fantastic week and stick around for some really fun and interesting guest blogs in the coming weeks.  Warm hugs, Shelly