Just wanted to let you know…

Baby Julia was born on August 2, 2010 at around 3 PM coming in at 7 lb 13 oz. Both mom and baby are doing well. Pictures to come….

Jill and I sent out a message last week asking for your warm pre-congratulations. Thank you to everyone that responded. We’ve posted your warm and gracious letters below.

Sincerely,
Jill & Colin

P.S. Please feel free to add to the love by expressing yourself in the comments box below.

P.P.S. If you ever wondered what Shelly looked like as a baby… her mom pulled out a baby pic of her. It’s the second to last letter we got below.

When I can rest in the perfection of my imperfection it’s much easier to reflect on the things I’ve done that I wish I’d done differently and I can somehow recognize that without making that “mistake” I might never have learned the important lesson in front of me.

The same goes for parenting.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “perfect parent” (as if such a thing ever existed), but the funny thing is that the more we try to mold ourselves into our ideas of what the perfect parent should be like, the less we can relax and be our authentic selves.  And really, don’t we most want to teach our kids to love themselves, be comfortable in their own skin, and know that their best is good enough?!  If so, then we’ve got to learn to be easier on ourselves, to celebrate our triumphs and admit to our mistakes without beating ourselves up.

Consider the past week or so, is there something you’ve said or done that you regret?  And can you see the opportunity for learning and growth that’s available through that experience?

I can remember when I first learned about the negative effects of result-oriented praise and the benefits of effort-based praise.  I was so hard on myself!  I thought about all the hundreds of times I had said to my preschool students, “Wow what a pretty picture” or “Nice space ship!” when I could have said, “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” or even asked, “What was the most fun part of painting that?”  I can remember crying and desperately wishing I could go back in time so that I could have said something different to the kids in my class.  I was taking responsibility for damaging those kids and their self-esteem, when in reality, they probably understood on some level that I cared more about them and their effort than I did about the finished product.

The point is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time!  Now that I have even more information about what helps kids be motivated and engaged in learning and exploration, I can foster those qualities even more skillfully, but there’s no need to berate myself for the past.  In fact, if I hadn’t had those experiences with the kids in my class, who knows if I even would have found the crucial research that inspired me to change the way I talk to kids?

I know it’s even more profoundly difficult to separate your actions as a parent from their potential impact on your child, but please remember that the mere fact that you care enough to examine your behavior, to consider the way you talk to your kids, and the recognition that you DO have an impact on your children are all signs that you’re already an exemplary parent.  So, remember to take it easy on yourself this week.  Remind yourself that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.  And discover the beautiful lessons you can learn from your “imperfect” moments.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

We have two pieces of big news: One, Jill is vacating. Two, Shelly has a new tenant, of sorts, and will carry this blog forward.  Here’s more, in our own words:

From Jill:
In 2005, Shelly Birger and I had a baby: The Conscious Parenting Alliance. Her move up north, toward love and the family she’s always wanted, inspired us to create Bay Area classes, and then, to keep the flow of our ideas into the world, this blog, Awake Parent Perspectives, and our CD, Perspectives on Feelings. Colin Chung came in just over a year ago and gave a big boost to our marketing efforts. (Thank you, Colin!)

A divorce (mine), a marriage (Shelly’s), several classes and dozens of articles later, I’ve discovered it’s time for me to move on.  Creative work, some of it related to this work, calls me. So do the demands of post-divorce parenthood, as well as care for myself, as I finally give up the big house in the Berkeley Hills I’ve lived in for ten years and find something smaller, more affordable, and more sustainable for the work of this phase of my life.

So I’m paring down. In saying goodbye to you, I realize all I have really offered all this time are the musings of one imperfect parent. If anything, I’d like to thank you for giving me a reason to share my thoughts, and an appreciative audience. I think publishing my parenting hopes and dreams has given me the courage, the confidence and the accountability to actually put some of them into practice from time to time.  Lately, it seems that more often than not I want my own parenting coach, on demand, to help me through the hard moments. I think my biggest lesson has been to find sources of strength and peace within myself.

What’s next for me? Selling my screenplay (know any producers?). Doing more Witnessed Mediation (check out Witnessed Mediation on YouTube). And coming soon in the Bay Area, a local class on Cultivating Compassionate Presence, which includes parents. Email me directly at jillcnagle at gmail dot com to be notified.

I’ll never forget about this community, or about supporting parents in general. I’ll never forget how much love and care we all need, and how we’re doing the most important work of the world. Your love has made a difference in my life and I hope mine has made a difference in yours.

On a personal level, Awake Parent has nourished me most through Shelly. I miss Shelly’s and my weekly meetings, and regular exchange of emotional support. I miss working with Shelly and all the parents who came through our classes.  I’m also thrilled for the new developments in her life–I’ll let her speak to those herself…

Warmly,

Jill

 ”Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be.”
                                                                                                                                     ~ Carrie Fisher

From Shelly:
I’m pregnant!!!  I am so excited to be ushering my first child into the world this August and I can’t wait to see how my blog, this website, and all we offer at Awake Parent will develop as I embark on the journey you’re already so well aware of. I still have lots to share from my experiences teaching preschool  and working as a nanny to the stuff I learned in college about young people’s brain development, and I am more committed than ever to sharing it all with you. 

I’m so grateful that Jill and I began this journey together, I’m not sure I would have forged out on my own.  And the teamwork and synergy we’ve experienced has nurtured my creative spirit.  I’ve also learned so much from my dear friend Jill about how to really listen and share empathy with others, thank you Jill!  Now it’s time for Jill to move on to other projects and I feel ready to continue to provide the weekly blogs you’ve come to expect, more CDs and other materials to help you on your parenting journey, and of course the one-on-one parenting coaching which is such a huge part of my inspiration and purpose. 

I hope you’ll all stick around and offer us feedback and suggestions about how Colin and I can make Awake Parent an even better resource for you.  And, if you or someone you know is interested in being a guest blogger here, I’m pretty sure I’ll need a couple of those during August and September   Just send your info to shelly@awakeparent.com and we can chat about what kind of a blog would most serve our parents. 

Thanks again for being here.  Thank you for sharing your stories, your struggles, your triumphs, and most of all your desire to be the best parent you can be. 

Big huge warm hugs,

Shelly

we are blooming...so beautifully...by Glenn E Wilson

Happy Gregorian New Year! Whatever calendar we may observe as part of our many traditions, the popularity and ubiquity of the Gregorian New Year offers us a time to reflect, regroup and realign with what we want most.

This past October, as part of my year-long program studying Nonviolent Communication  (NVC) mediation, I went on one of three retreats. I got to deepen my NVC skills, learn new ways of approaching mediation, and make many wonderful connections with other mediators.

One powerful demonstration stood out in my mind.  John Kinyon, one of my mentors, stood with one foot in front of the other. He said he was about to recall something he was upset or angry about, and to think of it in “jackal” or judgmental terms, such as “that person’s a jerk,” (or bad, or wrong or similar). He did so, and asked a volunteer to attempt to push him off balance. John got knocked over quite easily.

Then, he stopped and asked himself what he was needing. For example, peace, support, or respect. He allowed himself to “drop down into,” or really feel the awareness of that need, beneath the judgment. The volunteer attempted once again to knock John off balance and was not able to do so. We got together into pairs and tried the exercise–it worked! When I dropped down into my need beneath my judgment, I felt calm, solid, and grounded, and in fact was not pushed over.

What does any of this have to do with the Gregorian New Year?

Well.

We tend to make resolutions, or set goals, in terms of specific strategies, like wanting to lose a certain amount of weight, or getting a particular job, or other markes of success.

I’m wondering what might happen if we first tuned into our needs…really felt them deeply…and let the strategies, or specific goals, emerge from there? For example, instead of saying, I want to be a better parent, or I want to spend more time with my child, or I’d like to be more consistent about discipline, what if I listened for what’s underneath those goals? For me it would be something like:

Id’ really like a deeper sense of connection and trust with my son. I need connection and trust.
I’d like us to enjoy each other more and share more laughter. I need joy and laughter.
I’d like to create scenarios where cooperation follows from connection, rather than obedience following from fear. I need cooperation.

When I read these words, I feel relief and relaxation. I think it’s because I’m connecting with something that feels like a full and rich opportunity rather than a task on a to-do list.

I have been experimenting with trying to tune into those deeper needs in mind as I move throughout the day.  For example, when I feel anxious or overwhelmed (never happens to a parent, right?), I have been trying to remember to drop down into what my need is. Often it is support!

Sometimes when I become aware of this I feel some sadness that I don’t have the support I want in that moment. Once I feel that, I can move toward asking, How can I get the support I need? I enjoy this much more than simply feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

Asking ourselves what we need in 2010 is a great start to beginning a new level of connection with our needs. What do you really need in 2010? Please tell us.

Once January is over, let’s remember to check in with ourselves frequently during each day, to help take care of our precious selves.  As a great perk, the better care we give ourselves, the better care we can give to all our loved ones.

Let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

As hard as this may be to remember to do with other adults sometimes, I find it even harder to remember to do with my son.

Recently I got my son and his stepbrother reading and math workbooks based on movie characters. My son got a Cars (as in the Disney movie) workbook for Chanukah, while his stepbrother got a Spiderman workbook. My son wailed and hollered for days…”It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why did you give him that?”

I explained that I knew Canaan (my son, and that’s his new chosen spelling of his name) liked Cars, so I got him that, and I knew Taebin (his stepbrother) liked Spiderman so I got him that. Completely logical.  Meanwhile I was kicking myself for not remembering to get them identical gifts.

Canaan’s dad explained to him that if he kept reacting like this, people wouldn’t feel like giving him gifts anymore. Turning on my best earth mother tone, I imparted a deeply meaningful spiritual lesson about how gifts are expressions of the heart, and the giver wants joy and gratitude in response, and how the gesture of giving the gift is an act of love, far beyond the gift itself.

We also reminded him to focus on himself, and not pay so much attention to what other kids were getting.

Well, sure.

And…blah, blah, blah.

What does any of this mean to a six-year-old with a bruised heart?

Maybe something sunk in. I hope it did.

But what dawned on me was that I had completely skipped over the step of seeking first to understand him. And in so doing, missed the chance to really connect with him, build trust, and show him I was on his side. And how much more valuable would that be than trying to “convince” him of something when he plainly knows otherwise?

I stopped mid-lecture.

“Are you feeling really sad, because when you saw Taebin’s gift you wanted his more than yours?”

Immediately his energy relaxed.

“Yyyeeeeahhhh….”

Of course it did–I was showing him that I was with him, not against him.

So I continued.

“And you really wish you had that present, so you could feel like things were equal?”

Tiny whimper.

“Uh-huh.”

Oh, my sweet little puffin.

I felt myself soften, too.

I noticed that I can feel afraid, sometimes, when I take this approach, that I’m somehow reinforcing “irrational behavior,” or teaching him that it’s “Ok to be upset about little stuff.”  I’m also just wanting peace, and wanting his tirade to end, which fuels my strategy of explaining why it “should” end.

I need to remind myself that empathizing with him doesn’t mean I’m agreeing with his story–it just means I’m taking a moment to seek first to understand, before trying to get understood. This works pretty well with adults. How much more mileage can we get from this technique with young people, who don’t even have the advanced brain development most adults do? But boy, do they know when someone is genuinely trying to understand them.

Please tell me your experience–what happens when you seek first to understand (and check out with the other person whether you got it right), before seeking to be understood?

Oh, and happy Chanukah!

However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.

The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.

And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened.  Why is that?

I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.

This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”

When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into  ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go.  Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!

Warmly,

Jill

I want to appreciate you, just for being the parent you are.

Will you join me?

Would you please take a moment…even a fraction of a
second…right now…and appreciate yourself as a parent?

Seriously.

How often do we take time–even a nanosecond–to appreciate not what we’re doing, but simply that we are being the grown-up in this little person or these little people’s lives?

Just the fact of our existence and presence means they get to have a sense of themselves in the world as someone important, someone loved, someone special.

We are that gift!

No matter what human frailties we have exhibited, what things we’ve said or done that weren’t as we wished…we are here. And they are right where they are because we brought them into our lives.

So I say to you today: Well done, parents!

And if we do want to take it a step further…

Let’s appreciate our inherently human qualities…those things that mean the world to little ones (even though they may not realize it).

The warmth of our hugs…

The shine in our eyes when we watch them…

The glow of our smile…

Just as we appreciate the young people in our lives, just for being them…let’s take a moment to appreciate ourselves–just for being us–and what an amazing impact we have–just by being ourselves–on the lives of the young ones we care for.

Thank you, all parents, from the bottom of my heart, for showing up in whatever ways you can. It means the world to your children.

I know I can forget to appreciate myself…when I do, like right now, I realize, Wow, I am, after all, enough. Maybe even more than enough.

How do you feel when you take the time to appreciate yourself? Please tell me in the space below.

Warmly,

Jill

Shelly, the beautiful bride, and Kevin, her handsome husband!

We’re taking a break from our regularly schedule series of blogs to say…congratulations to Shelly, my co-leader of AwakeParent, and her new husband, Kevin!  I was honored to attend their wedding this past weekend in Bend, Oregon, a more beautiful city than I could have imagined, nestled unobtrusively in mountains and hills and volcanoes, rivers and lakes and forests.

The wedding was beautiful, simple, and filled with loving family and friends, just the way such a celebration should be.

Shelly’s off honeymooning now, but will be back mid-July for her regular blogging stint.

And shortly after that…watch for a birth announcement!

No, not that kind–not yet, anyway. We’re launching our first CD in just a few weeks. We can’t wait!

Big juicy love, aware moments, and copious peace to you all,

Jill

 Loving up the blushing bride…