But after some consideration, I decided that I just didn’t feel good about introducing my daughter to the iPad because I was scared she wouldn’t be able to entertain herself on the airplane. Instead, I came up with a solid plan to entertain and engage her with books, rhymes, toys, finger puppets, a small doll, crayons, and stickers. And it worked!

The photo at the top is only part of my airplane kit, but as you can see it contains some small animals (my daughter LOVES her toy animals), some finger puppets (yes I did use funny voices), a pad of paper, and some stickers all in a beautiful box. I took her interests into consideration when I created the kit. So if you were to do something similar, you might include toy cars, tractors, or dinosaurs. Or you’d add books about insects, birds, a small music box or whatever else interests your child. I included a list of our favorite rhymes, songs, and the story books that I have memorized due to sheer repetition. That list definitely came in handy.

We also packed a very first chapter book, “Charlotte’s Web” because I thought J was ready to listen and talk about the characters. And I had a book of Shel Silverstein’s poetry, a current favorite bedtime book. I took a couple of board books with lots of animal photographs and vocabulary to learn as well.

Essentially, I figured out what would engage us BOTH in long hours of conversation and exploration and I packed it all into our carry-on. The highlight of the trip for me was when I set her up with her toy animals and a couple of board books, strapped her into the unoccupied seat next to me, and then sat back and actually took a nap! She entertained herself for about thirty minutes, always keeping one hand on my arm to check in, and then she fell asleep too. I was shocked.

We used different items and various strategies to ensure that the entire trip was enjoyable. And if you’re thinking that this only works on a short flight, let me tell you, we missed our first connection due to weather conditions and ended up on a five airport, 20 hour long, overnight airplane adventure. She didn’t shed a tear the entire time.

I certainly can’t take all the credit for our success. I will be the first to admit that my daughter is exceptionally amiable and easy going, but I do think that we avoided a lot of potential upset when we came utterly prepared to entertain ourselves for hours and hours. Oh, and I also brought a BUNCH of yummy snacks.

So if you’re dreading air travel with a little one, let me reassure you, you CAN have a nice easy flight (or four) by engaging your child in his interests and providing opportunities for exploration and play.  One more highlight: on the flight home she was playing with her tiny baby doll while I was gazing out the window and I heard her pretending that her doll was at the park going down the slide and riding on the swings. I love her imagination!

Have you had a successful flight with a young person? What were the keys to your easy and fun air travel? Please share your story with us in the comments below.

And have a lovely week, Shelly

a bean

a toilet paper roll

a wet paper towel

a week of sunlight

and voila!

Too good to be true? No way! We’re talking about the magic of water play here, and when it comes to activities like these, simpler really is better. So here are my top three activities with zero prep time, minimal or no clean up, and an enormous capacity to engage the creative mind of a child.

#1 Bathroom sink water play- just stop up the sink, put a stool under it, turn on the water to a very light trickle, throw in a bath toy and a cup, make sure there’s a towel nearby, and you’re done! Sure your child might soak themselves, so you might want to give them a smock, but playing in water is SO MUCH FUN for young children, you are sure to get at least 10 minutes, if not 30 from this activity. I especially like this one because it doesn’t matter what the weather is like, and children can ask for it or set it up themselves as they get a little bit older.

#2 A home made water table aka a plastic bin, some water and a few rocks- With minimal supervision, a plastic bin filled with an inch of water and a handful of rocks can entertain a young person for an hour, easy. The picture at the top of this post is ours. Who needs an expensive water table when an $8 plastic bin does the trick?! My 20 month old daughter played for about 40 minutes walking back and forth and adding one rock at a time, playing for a while in the water, and then going back to the bucket (on the other side of the yard) for another rock. Do keep in mind that young children can drown in about an inch of water if they fall into it head first, so you want to be sure you’re using a bin with shallow sides, and you do need to be nearby.

#3 Painting with water- I am still shocked at how popular this activity really is. With just a cup filled half way with water and a paintbrush, children can spend quite a bit of uninterrupted independent play-time painting the patio or sidewalk. This activity is so great because it requires absolutely NO clean up. Their “paintings” simply dry over time, creating a clean slate for the next creation! Children enjoy writing their letters and numbers, drawing elaborate pictures, playing tic tac toe, making shapes, and even creating water drawn obstacle courses. And somehow, even though they love doing the painting, young people are rarely upset by the temporary nature of their water paintings. In fact, in all the years I’ve used this activity, I’ve never seen a child cry over a dried up water painting.

I’m curious, do you already use these activities or are they new to you? Does this spark any new ideas about how you can engage your child in independent play? I would love to know YOUR ideas for similar activities. Please leave me a comment!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh boy, my daughter was sick with a week-long stomach flu, and as a result, whining has emerged. Here we go on the whining toddler ride! I find whining to be one of the most annoying and challenging things young children do to express their needs. Tantrums are easier for me than whining. That’s probably because I’ve done so much whining myself! In fact, if I’m really honest, I STILL whine when I’m exceptionally tired, sick, or otherwise infirmed.

Despite my own whining, I do know how to help a child stop whining! There are three keys to transforming whining. The first is changing the way we perceive the whiner. When we have thoughts like, “She is just doing this to manipulate me,” or “He ALWAYS does this in front of my friends, he must be trying to embarrass me,” we behave toward our children as if our thoughts are true.

The trick is to transform our thoughts to create a situation in which we have space and empathy for the smaller people in our lives, rather than resentment toward them. When we blame children for our own uncomfortable feelings, no one wins. However, when we can learn to identify the internal root causes of our own feelings, we no longer need to pin the blame on a whining child. Instead we can realize, “I’m feeling exhausted right now and THAT is why I’m so annoyed. My child is only trying to meet her needs and she’s doing her best to communicate with me.”

The second key is to offer your child some heartfelt empathy. Empathy is like your parenting super-power! You’ll be shocked at how a little bit of true empathy can completely change the situation and the behavior and affect of your child.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple statement like, “Huh, it seems like you’re feeling sad right now, is that true?” At other times it might just be eye contact and a hug. And at still other times you might speak for your child about his emotions, “You’re feeling really mad about that! Grrrr! That is NOT okay with you, is it?” It can even be something as simple as joining your child in her tirade of “No, no, no, no, no, no!” The real key here is to FEEL empathy for your child. If you’re just using empathy as a way to get a child to stop whining, they will sense that and it won’t work.

The third key is to model the tone of voice and wording that we’d most like to hear from our kids. “Wow sweetie, I can tell you’re really upset and frustrated right now, but when you talk in a whiney voice, it bothers me and then I don’t want to help you. So let’s figure out a way you can ask that I WILL want to help. How about, ‘Mommy, may I please have a snack?’ and then I’ll say, ‘Sure!’ Want to try it right now?”

By sharing my own feelings and working with her to help her successfully argue her point, she knows that I’m on her side and I really do want to help. And, by inviting her to try a new strategy right then, I’m offering her an opportunity to be successful. However, watch out for a desire to push a child to share or try something they’re not interested in. If my daughter says no, I simply speak both sides of the conversation for her and then give her the snack she was whining for. It isn’t important to me that she actually repeat what I’ve said…yet. When she’s closer to five years old, I will definitely require that she ask in a more palatable tone of voice. But for now (she’s not even two years old yet) I’m just laying the foundation and showing her what works for me.

Depending on how you’ve communicated with your child about whining in the past, you may have some clean-up to do or some repetition to make your way through before your child will be willing to try “the new way.”

I use modeling for all sorts of things with my daughter, but as a preschool teacher I found it so effective at transforming whining that it’s my #1 favorite strategy for turning a whine into a respectful request.

How do you deal with whining at your house? I would love to add your strategies to my arsenal! Please share a story or strategy in the comments below. Thanks!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

One of the rules is that we respect one another’s work. We don’t touch each other’s work, we don’t walk on someone else’s work rug, and we don’t clean up after each other. Each person is responsible for getting out, completing, and putting away their own work.

Several months ago I taught a class to parents of Montessori students and when I described the reverence and care we have for our work, a mother perked up. “Oh!” she said, “So THAT’S why my son gets so upset when I clean up his toys, he’s always complaining that I’m not respecting his work, but I didn’t understand why until now!”

I believe strongly in Montessori philosophies and use many of them as guidelines in my home with my daughter and now that she’s approaching two years old I’m beginning to understand what a huge difference this has made in the peace and order of our home.

First, I do my best to respect her work and often ask her to clean up after herself, before offering any help. So when she leaves something out, she can reasonably expect it to be there when she gets back. This provides stability in her mind and encourages her sense of order. She knows where she can find her things and she knows that there is no magical clean up fairy.

As an aside, I actually did think that something like a clean-up fairy existed when I was a young child. I had no concept of my preschool teachers staying after school to clean up, or of my mom and dad picking up after I was in bed. I just thought things magically reappeared in their original locations!

Of course, I’m happy to help my daughter clean up if she needs support, but I don’t make a habit of going around behind her and cleaning up after her.  As a result, I overheard her with her books yesterday. She was looking at the pages and talking about the content of the book and when she got to the end of the book she said, “Back” and put the book back on the shelf!

But here’s the real kicker. I also ask her to respect MY work. That means that she understands that my work is important and I’m committed to its completion. So when my daughter asks me to play with her I will often respond with, “Sure! I would love to play farm with you, but I’d like to finish my dishes work first, so you can go get started without me, or you can watch me finish my work, and then I’ll join you!”

One of the things I love about this is that she’s learning that life is filled with “work” that people enjoy and want to complete before moving on to new tasks. This promotes the concept of follow through while it also helps her to delay gratification while she waits for me to join her in her chosen activity.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that my daughter understands that her wellbeing is my top priority. And, I also want her to know that my own wellbeing is hugely important to me as well. The order of my environment helps me to feel peaceful and relaxed so that when I do sit down to play with her I can completely focus on her, rather than constantly thinking about my enormous to do list and only giving her my partial attention.

I’m sure I’ll write another post about organization and it’s psychological impact on us, but for now I’ll just say, it’s OK to let your child know that you have work to do when you’re at home. If we model respect for their work, they’re bound to learn to respect ours too. And when we honor and respect one another’s work, peace and love have plenty of room to thrive.

So, how do you balance playtime with work time at your house? I would love to learn some of your secrets to success in this area! Please share a comment below.

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

Inexpensive Book Display- I’ve never liked using this for files in my office, so now I use it as a small book shelf and display in the bathroom. My daughter looks at books happily while I shower because they are so nicely displayed! Compared to front displaying bookcases, this is a very inexpensive option that still engages interest by featuring the covers of picture books.

Kitchen drawer 1:

child-sized silverware, dishes, washcloths, snack cup, glasses, and cloth napkins.

Kitchen drawer 2:

Towels, brush, and dustpan.

Some of the recent research on the psychology of children is showing that saying things like, “You’re so smart! Good job! And He’s so cute!” can actually harm a child’s emerging sense of self-confidence. Apparently when we tell a child she’s smart because she got an A on her report card, she automatically associates the two and begins to think that if she doesn’t get an A, she’ll no longer be considered “smart.”

In an effort to encourage more internal motivation and less dependence on external validation, researchers and other experts are recommending that we remove this kind of empty praise from our vocabulary with our kids.

So now, whenever I say “good job!” to my daughter I immediately suck in my breath and think, “Oh no! I’ve said it. I just totally screwed up my kid.” Granted, that’s probably not the most useful thought, but there you have it

Then there’s the fact that our children are like a mirror that reflects just a little bit too well. When I hear things come out of my daughter’s mouth, it’s clear that she learned them at home (or pretty close to home). So then I begin to listen to what comes out of my mouth even more carefully and I’m almost always surprised at what I discover.

So now I’m left wondering what IS OK and how I can foster the language (in myself, my family and the larger community) that will most serve my child. The practice that jumps to mind is the practice of acknowledgment.

When we acknowledge one another we’re not just labeling each other as “good” or “smart” or “cute;” instead we are sharing our feelings, our experiences, and the impact that another person has had on us. I’ve written about acknowledgment before here: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/loving-ourselves-acknowledging-gifts/ So check that out if you’d like a specific structure to follow.

I also think it’s always OK to say “Thank you” as long as we really mean it. But watch out for anything you’re saying that isn’t exactly what you mean. It’s easy to get into a habit of saying something only to reflect upon it later and realize that what you’ve been saying is no longer true! And things like “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” can lose their meaning and become simply “the polite thing to say.”

So this week is all about examining the language we use with our children (and with everyone else) to see if there are things we’ve been saying that aren’t serving us or those we love. Do we over-do empty praise? Have we gotten so focused on telling people what’s wrong that we’ve forgotten to acknowledge their efforts? Are we just going through the motions of being polite without really expressing the heartfelt sentiments? Or is there another way that your language doesn’t truly express what you’re intending? And, what would you RATHER be saying?

I’ve recently realized that I sometimes say, “No, no, no!” so this week I’m committing to removing the frantic and repeated “nos” from my vocabulary. I think I’ll replace them with, “Stop!” I’m curious, what have you noticed about your language that you’re ready to change?

Thanks so much for being a part of this community! I appreciate you.

Big hugs, Shelly

I think every parent fantasizes about harming his or her child at one point or another. If you say you haven’t, I don’t believe you for a minute. Maybe it’s just a fleeing thought of pinching them, or a long consideration about spanking them, “for their own good.” Perhaps it’s a thought about smothering their cries or a morbid image of tossing them out of a moving car. Of course we would never DO these things. But that doesn’t mean we don’t think about it.

When my daughter was just a few months old and I was deep in the thick of sleep deprivation I was trying to rock her to sleep one night and she was screaming her sweet little head off. She was dry and fed and swaddled comfortably but she was over tired and she couldn’t settle herself down. I was exhausted and drained and didn’t have another ounce of love to give, or so I thought.

I began to sing rock-a-bye baby. As I was singing I suddenly understood the appeal of the dark sentiment of the song. Imagining my screaming baby falling out of a tree was a way for me to focus the frustration forming in my mind without lashing out at the helpless little being I was holding.

So I took it one step further. I began to sing my own words, expressing a little bit of my angst by singing about how and why she should stop crying and go the f to sleep. And then it happened. I imagined getting up, walking out of the room, taking my little baby out the front door of our house, putting her into the snow and leaving her there. I thought about how long it would take for her cries to cease and I relished the imaginary peace of a frozen sleeping baby that would never awake and cry again.

And then I thought, “WHOA! I just imagined killing my baby. And I liked it. And now I’m sort of horrified. But I also understand that it was just the fantasy of a sleep-deprived mind.”

Before that moment there was no way I could understand how anyone could harm a baby. And I still can’t really. I would never harm my child. But I do understand the urge to shut her up one way or another, especially when I’m drained and sleep deprived myself.

It’s scary to write this and put it on the Internet for all to see. It feels like an incredibly vulnerable thing to admit. I’m worried that someone will take my words and twist them and try to take my baby away. But I also feel brave and I trust that most of you will understand. And I think there might be someone out there who was thinking that there are “perfect” parents who exist who never have hurtful thoughts or feelings toward their children. And I want that struggling single mom or that angry dad to know they’re not alone and NOBODY is a perfect parent. Even the best parents have dark thoughts and feelings sometimes.

I guess I wrote all this down just to remind you that we’re all human and we’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Sometimes we do things exactly the way we wanted to. Other times, the best we can do is to rock our sweet babies to sleep while imagining their demise.

Have you ever had the kinds of dark thoughts I’ve described here? I would love to know that I’m not the only one! Please share your story with us in the comments below.

And, if you have these kinds of dark thoughts frequently, please seek professional help. Postpartum depression can be a serious condition that can worsen over time without support. Asking for help is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child if these kinds of hurtful or scary thoughts keep popping up and you’re not sure what to do about them. Just remember, you are not alone and it’s OK to ask for help. If you need immediate help, call 1-800-SUICIDE any time of day or night.

And have a good week. Love, Shelly

When I think of the words “family friendly” I imagine a place where parents and children are welcomed joyfully. I envision a place with activities that meet my interests AND the interests of my young child. And it’s a place where we all help each other out. To me “family friendly” means accessible, accepting, and even supportive of my whole family.

I want MOST of the world to be family friendly. And maybe more of it really is than I realize. But here in America, the land of the free, my child is stuck staring at knees, being put into carts and chairs she can’t climb into on her own, and unable to sit on a toilet that doesn’t threaten to swallow her whole.

Needless to say, I’m upset by all this.

That’s not to say there isn’t hope though. I have seen child-sized toilets in exactly two public places in the past ten years. More and more parks and play spaces are sprouting up. But again, I wonder, why does “child-friendly” have to mean big plastic wheels that spin with no apparent purpose?

When I was little I can remember using a water pump, you know, the metal kind that you have to pump up and down a bunch of times before any water comes out. My friends and I loved to work the handle up and down, up and down, and then to catch the water in buckets ready for the deluge that we knew was coming. We needed the water to add to the sand so we could build sandcastles or maybe we used some of it to water flowers that were wilting in the summer heat.

So when I envision child friendly spaces in public places, they’re not just a bunch of toys. Instead, I imagine beautiful wooden furniture, access to books, art materials, puppets, costumes, and the means to clean up any messes they might choose to make. I see children working together at a task that is meaningful for them. Or else feeling so free and comfortable that they can completely lose themselves in pretend play.

Last weekend my husband and I took our daughter to the High Desert Museum. They have a homesteader’s cabin and ranch from 1904 and every week there are volunteers dressed up in period dress sharing information about what life was like in the early 1900’s. There are all sorts of fun things for children to do there, but there was one little girl having the most fun of all. Can you guess what she was doing?

She was sweeping the porch with a child-sized broom. She tried a few different brooms until she found the one she liked the best, and for the next twenty minutes while we were meandering around, watching the chickens, and looking at the ranch hand’s quarters, she happily swept every inch of that porch.

Now that’s what I’d call “family friendly.”

Do you think public spaces are child and family friendly? What is your vision for the future of our public space? Please leave me a comment!

And have a wonderful week! Warmly, Shelly