I’ve recently had several of these moments as I’ve connected with various incredible and inspiring women in my life. Last week, my dear friend Kendra reminded me that my compassion and understanding is unique and wonderful. It’s the water I’m swimming in and so it doesn’t seem all that special to me, but she pointed out how much it really matters to her that she knows she can come to me and I won’t judge her or tell her she’s wrong. Instead, I’ll see the positive intentions behind all of her actions and remind her what a wonderfully fabulous person I think she is.

Just today my friend Dawne acknowledged me for the years of study and preparation I did before I became a mom. She said something like, “Well, it totally makes sense to me that your daughter would be learning and thriving so incredibly well, I mean look at all the love, attention, and opportunities she’s had because of her incredible parents!”

When she said that, it really hit me. Wow, I HAVE been preparing for her and working to be the best mom (and person) I can be for such a long time now. And that is something that I can be really proud of. I’ve been standing a little bit taller ever since our conversation.

I think this kind of specific acknowledgment is so important and sorely missing from our mainstream culture. It’s different from receiving a compliment, or from offering groundless praise. It’s a reminder of our innate greatness, and we really are great, each of us for our own unique contributions to life and to love.

When we see the love, acceptance, or even awe on the faces of the people we love, respect, and admire it’s somehow easier to remember that we rock.

Self-acceptance has not always come easy for me. I’ve struggled to fully love and accept myself just as I am, including my desire to grow and change. It’s one of the conundrums of personal growth work. We want to grow and change, so something must be wrong with us, right? No way! We are all perfect just as we are AND we are hard wired to learn and grow and get better and better at being ourselves.

So this week, offer and receive some acknowledgment. Tell your sister why you think she’s such a great person. Ask your friend what he appreciates about you. Remind your child what you enjoy about getting to share your life with him. We’re not talking about empty praise here, but deep, meaningful acknowledgment of someone’s unique and wonderful gifts.

If you’re struggling with how to structure your acknowledgment, try this: “(Name) when you (specific moment in time or memory that you share), I felt (emotion word) and the impact on me was (share how this has improved your life in some way). I am so grateful for you and your gift of ____.

So here’s my acknowledgment for you. (Your Name Here) when you read my blog every week I feel so happy and excited because I know that I’m a part of a community of parents who want to be their best selves with their kids. It brings me so much joy to know that you exist and that we’re on this journey of life and parenthood together. I’m so grateful for you and for your participation in this community!

Now here’s my recently recorded “Mommy Pep Talk” video. Please watch it if you’re a mom or share it with a mom who could use a reminder that she is fantastic.

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

So, clearly I’m not an advocate of random consequences, spanking, punishments, or even time-outs but that might leave you wondering, “How can I set clear boundaries with my child in a way that’s kind and respectful, but also maintains some order and keeps us all safe and happy?” My answer is easy to understand and challenging to implement. Setting clear and consistent boundaries with joy in your heart is the key to effective, respectful discipline.

Thinking back over the past few weeks, consider the moments when you felt you needed to create or maintain a rule or boundary. How were you feeling in the moment? I find that I tend to restrict my daughter’s behavior the most when I’m feeling upset or overwhelmed. When I’m feeling creative and joyful, I rarely even need to stop her from what she’s doing!

That doesn’t mean we don’t have rules. It does mean that our rules are based on either safety or exhibiting our values. For instance, I’ve never liked to see babies chewing on board books. I understand that for some people, destroying a board book due to teething seems like no big deal, but for me, it represents misuse of a valuable object.

So ever since my daughter could hold a board book, our rule has been, “Books are for reading, not for eating!” The rule was stated often as we initially established it, but it was said with joy and enthusiasm, not in a threatening or angry tone. And guess what? We still have beautifully pristine board books and a daughter who LOVES to look at them independently. Sure, she occasionally tests the boundary, and every single time I protect the book from her, smiling and playing with her as I remind her, “Books are for reading, not for eating, silly!” Sometimes this evolves into a fun game, other times I remove the books and we find something else to do, but most of the time, she would just rather look at and read the book than chew on it.

Recently Julia received an easel as a holiday gift and our rule is that the crayons must remain at the easel. She has a hard time remembering the rule, so I’ve figured out some ways to make it easier for her. I either remove the crayons, which means she has to ask for them (and then I supervise her with them and remind her to return them to the easel when she steps away), or I tie them onto the easel with a string. Either way, I’m making sure that the rule is observed, but I’m not angry with her for breaking it, instead, I want it to be easy for her to follow the rule. That’s what I mean about having joy in your heart as you maintain a boundary. For me, I know that if it’s turning into a power struggle, then I’m on the wrong path.

For those of you with older children, here’s a blog I wrote called “How I averted a power struggle and created a game instead” which has another example of setting a clear boundary with joy in your heart. This happened with a six year old boy who was really pushing my buttons.

So your homework, should you choose to accept it, is to sit down this week at a time when you’re feeling joyful and loving and write down all the rules of your household. Then take a look at them and decide whether any of them can be dropped. Next, identify the rules that are really important to you but are the most difficult for your kids to follow. Brainstorm about ways to make it easier for your children to follow these rules. Lastly, make a commitment to yourself that this week you’ll stop, breathe, and feel joy in your heart before you remind your child of the rules. “I love you so much, and this is not OK.”

Please share your thoughts about joyful discipline- does it work? Is it hard? Easy? I want to know!

I’m in the midst of a big transition right now. We are so fortunate to have my husband’s parents living here full time and being active participants in caring for our daughter. And if you’re thinking we’re the luckiest people ever, then get ready for more, because we ALSO have my mom and step dad here for six months of the year! It is SO incredibly helpful to have so many people adoring and caring for Julia, but there’s a dark side to this beautiful gift too. My parents leave and are gone for six months of the year.

My mom and Jim just left to head back to Illinois a couple of weeks ago and the transition has been really challenging for me. I miss them. Julia misses them. And I’ve had to completely rearrange my working schedule to accommodate the change. It totally sucks.

But is also great. I’m getting more time with my daughter, which is awesome. And I’m forced to really prioritize my work and only engage in the activities that really matter to me. But it’s also still really hard.

Transitions are especially difficult for me, maybe because I’ve had so many of them in my life. After my parents divorced when I was 5, they shared custody and, without going into too many details, for much of my life I split my time between my mom’s house and my dad’s. It was great to be able to have real relationships with everyone involved, but it was hard on me too.

Every two weeks I packed up my bags and moved to a different house with different people, different rules, different expectations, and even different foods. And, everybody was always so excited to see me that I don’t think I really took the time to mourn the loss of the other family before I was thrust into the next one. Luckily for my parents, I didn’t act out. Instead, I stuffed my emotions and tried to pretend that everything was OK. But sometimes it wasn’t.

So that’s what I mean when I say “big transitions.” Learning to let go of my family for two weeks or six months, mourning the loss of a home, job, or loved one, moving away from friends. But there are also all sorts of little transitions and these can be challenging too.

So if you’re wondering why your young child throws a tantrum at the front door and refuses to put on his coat and shoes, consider the possibility that transitions are just hard. Saying goodbye to his toys, home, book, or plan for the day can be really challenging for a kid.

Here’s what I’d recommend if you’re having difficulty with transitions at your house. Be tender about them. Remember that they can be hard. And most of all, TALK ABOUT TRANSITIONS BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THEY HAPPEN. I wish I had been better about this with my parents leaving town. I’m doing OK talking about it now, but I wish we had thought more and talked more about how our lives were about to change, before it happened. I’m a planner, and when transitions catch me off guard, I find them MUCH more challenging to deal with.

Perhaps your little one feels the same way. It might feel silly to talk to your infant or young child about a big or small transition, but in my experience, a short, matter-of-fact discussion about what’s about to happen can mean the difference between a screaming, kicking freaked out kid and a calm, relaxed, collected child.

When it comes to some of life’s big transitions like the loss of a pet or the death of a loved one, we don’t always get the opportunity to talk about things ahead of time. In that case, be sure to discuss things as they arise so that you and your child can integrate what’s happening as much as possible.

When you’re about to head out the door to go to the store, and you actually CAN give a child a heads up, so please do. They will appreciate it. And you might find that this one simple act of kindness and respect toward your children reaps you more benefits than you could have imagined. I would love to hear all about it. Please share your story with us!

And may your transitions be easy and tender this week, Shelly

The problem is that by shying away from the important topic of sex all together, we’re actually creating quite a problem. When children don’t know about their body parts or how they work or how babies are made, they make up their own stories about these things or they believe the things their friends tell them and sometimes their ideas about sex are quite a bit off the mark.

When I was about three years old, my very favorite book was “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter Mayle. My parents read it to me often and I loved the whole book. Beginning with some of the false ideas about where babies come from, the book describes in some detail how women’s and men’s bodies differ, exactly what sex is, and how sex resulted in the creation of a baby, namely me!  I was fascinated.

In high school I was shocked to discover that some of my friends STILL didn’t know this information. One of the things I like most about the fact that my parents read me this book is that we were always able to talk openly about sex, our bodies, and other “sensitive” topics. The book opened the door to a lifetime of discussion between me and my parents about what our bodies are like, how they function, and how we can best care for them.

I’m certain that I was able to enjoy a healthy sex life as a young woman without getting pregnant because of the openness and discussion I had with my mom. Oh, and also because of the multiple forms of protection against both STI’s and pregnancy that I used. I think that if I had ever experienced any sexual abuse or rape, I would have been able to talk to my mom about it.

Many of my friends didn’t have that kind of open, honest discussion about sex with their parents. Some of them did experience date rape and/or unwanted pregnancies. Now I’m not saying that if their parents had talked to them about sex, these things wouldn’t have happened. But I do think that being equipped with the correct information would have helped them.

So my husband and I are committed to being open and honest with our daughter about the correct names of male and female body parts (we use penis and vulva by the way), how they work, what happens during sex, how she came to be, and what to do if someone touches her body in a way that she doesn’t like. And yes, I still have my childhood copy of “Where Did I Come From?” to read to her when she’s ready.

How do you handle this topic at your house? Do you think we’re on the right track or completely off base? And what was your experience growing up? Did your parents teach you about sex or did you have to guess?

Have a fantastic week! Love, Shelly

1)     What topic or skill is she most interested in right now?

2)    What action or activity does she seem to enjoy most and like to repeat?

3)    Which items on the shelf are being ignored? (they are probably too easy)

4)   Which items on the shelf are most popular?

5)    When does she get frustrated? (probably too difficult)

These questions help me identify possible new activities, create extensions for activities that are too easy, and remove activities that are too challenging. They also help me identify any sensitive periods of development my child might be in currently.

My daughter is in several sensitive periods right now. She is absorbing language, practicing her verbal skills and memorizing books, asking for multiple repetitions. She is very interested in putting things in and taking things out of boxes, baskets and the like with repetition. And she enjoys using wind instruments like whistles and recorders.

So I often ask myself “How can I provide opportunities for her to further develop her interests and skills?”  And inevitably when I ask myself the question, answers arise. Obviously we’re reading books like crazy, I mean right now she is read at least a dozen books every single day and often she wants each book read multiple times in a sitting.

And then I’m also sensitive to opportunities to hone her skills when we’re out an about. The other day we went to a market near our home where they provide working child-sized grocery carts. We had a handful of items on our list so I asked my daughter to find the items on the list (I helped her locate them) and she delighted in putting four cans of chicken noodle soup into the cart all by her self. We continued through the store searching for what we needed.

When we had everything on our list she was happy to push the cart up to the check out line and talk with the mom and baby in line behind us while we waited for our turn. Then she preceded to hand the checkout guy every item in the cart one by one. All the adults were very impressed but Julia just seemed satisfied with her work and with the social interactions she was having. She wasn’t looking for praise (and honestly she didn’t get much more than a “Thanks honey!”). Instead, she was simply continuing to develop her skills, pushing herself to do more and better than she had ever done before. It was really fun to watch!

So what is your child most interested in right now? How can he further develop an emerging skill? And which activities can you think up that will help foster his love of learning?

Here’s a sampling of activities for Julia right now (she’s 17 months old).

1)     Coloring with large whole hand grasping crayons

2)    Spooning beans from one dish to another

3)    Books, books, and more books

4)   Putting blocks, books, and other toys away

5)    Bean or water bin

If you need some suggestions for your child’s age/developmental stage, leave a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

“The word retarded is offensive to me, my son has Down syndrome. Please refrain from using that word to make fun of yourself. It is disrespectful to people with developmental disabilities. Thank you.

She did write me back during the webinar ( just a few moments ago) to say she was sorry about that and that she will [refrain].

I wonder if that moment between the two of us will make a difference the next time she thinks of using that word? I have no idea. But for me, it’s important to advocate for my son and others who have intellectual disabilities.

I know that most people have no idea that the word “retarded” could really be hurtful. And just so we are clear, I used to use that word myself. I had no clue. I wasn’t ever told that the word could be hurtful. I had never made the connection. It just seemed like a word used to make fun of myself.

However, on February 4th 2009, my understanding of the word changed when I gave birth to my son Max. I learned early on that the way the word retarded is used really does hurt people. I realized it was up to me to share the information. It was up to me to change my own language. It was up to me to advocate for my son. I don’t get angry when someone says it… well maybe a little. Mostly my heart sinks because I know I need to say something to advocate for my son and it’s not always an easy thing to bring up. Some people get defensive, argue with me and feel the need to tell me I’m wrong. I usually just say to someone “ouch, that word actually hurts me when I hear it.” It’s a new experience every time I hear it. I’ve learned ways to be helpful instead of being mean to them. That never works. Trust me. I have to remember not to take it personally, but to use the opportunity to educate with a loving and understanding heart.

The other day I had to take my son to the doctor to check his ears for infection. When the doctor came in to see him, he said “Oh you have a Downs.” I hear this a lot and it makes me shudder. No actually, I have a son who has Down syndrome. Not a “Downs,” or a “Downs baby.” It’s a shift in language that puts the individual first and the diagnosis second. My son is not his diagnosis. He is an incredible little boy with a lot of unique characteristics that make him who he is. Another example would be if someone called my friend who has cancer a “Cancer girl.” Or a “Cancer.” No she is not the diagnosis. She is a girl with a name who happens to have cancer. It’s the same with children and adults who have autism etc. Language Matters.

“Spread the Word to End the Word” Is a message that I feel strongly about. John C McGinley from the tv show Scrubs shares his feelings about the word retard and retarded in this video. He too has a son named Max who has Down syndrome.

I’ve made the commitment to replace the word “retarded” with the word “ridiculous”. Won’t you join me?

-Catherine Just is an award winning, published photographer gracing the cover of National Geographic and inside Oprah.com. She leads Soul*Full retreats for women and the Soul*Full eCourse. She’s also the proud mama to her son Max Harrison who happens to have Down syndrome.
You can find out more on her website at http://www.catherinejust.com or on Max’s Blog http://www.hang-on-little-tomato.blogspot.com

For more information on Down Syndrome:
NDSS

Just the other day I was shopping with my daughter when she asked for “milk please.” I didn’t hesitate to find the nearest chair and claim is as ours for the moment. The other people in the store seemed uncomfortable and avoided us, but that was fine with me. I don’t need privacy to nurse, but I also don’t mind it.

Although the benefits of breast milk are well documented and more and more moms are attempting to breastfeed, it’s not always as easy as we might think it should be and there’s still all kinds of pressure to wean at a young age. “If they can ask for it, they’re too old for it,” is still the prevailing wisdom.

But from the research I’ve done, it looks like nursing for two or even three years is not only acceptable, but is preferable to weaning in the first year. Now I know I might upset some people by declaring my position on breastfeeding, but so be it. I am definitely nursing for a full two years and planning a gentle (hopefully child led) weaning experience for us. Does that make me some kind of breastfeeding activist?

I sure hope not! I hope that more and more moms are choosing to nurse for at least two years; I just haven’t seen them out and about lately. Now I do realize and want to acknowledge that there are some legitimate medical reasons why some moms can’t breastfeed. And sometimes the milk just never comes in. But I also had my fair share of challenges with nursing and never once considered calling it quits. And thank goodness! My nursing relationship with my daughter is better now than it’s ever been before!

I love it when she asks for milk and how sometimes if I don’t respond quickly enough she’ll begin to chant, “Milk, milk, milky, milk,” until I’m ready. When we began our nursing relationship it was difficult. I didn’t get my milk in until day 9, so we had to supplement with donated breast milk for about two weeks. That little tube and syringe were a huge pain. I also had excruciating pain, and used a nipple shield, which we later had to wean from.

Can you picture me with a newborn, a nipple shield, and a syringe full of someone else’s milk trying with all my might to snake that little tube into my daughter’s mouth? I needed about eight arms! And even after months of breastfeeding I was still in pain until I wrote a blog about it and realized that I was having vasospasms in my nipples. OUCH!

But after I realized what was wrong (after NINE months of unexplained nursing pain) I began to treat myself by eating red pepper and cinnamon and taking some herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist. And by staying extra warm during nursing. It worked! Now I can breastfeed pain free!

I guess the reason I’m sharing all of this is because I think my determination to continue to breastfeed has made a HUGE difference in my life. Sure, I had more pain than I would have liked, but I also got to create a bond with my daughter that is absolutely priceless. And now I know that when I’m determined to do something important for my daughter, I can overcome some pretty big challenges to get there.

What are your thoughts or feelings about extended breastfeeding? Would you think I was an activist if you saw me on a park bench nursing my two year old?

But then there are other times when I simply don’t WANT her to have the object of her desire. The truth is, sometimes I grab stuff away from her. Wow, I feel so vulnerable sharing that. And I feel awful afterward, especially if she’s left upset and crying. So I’m declaring right this moment that I’m committed to stopping this behavior. I will no longer grab things from my daughter (unless they’re truly dangerous items).

You might wonder what alerted me to the behavior in the fist place. Well, let me tell you. A couple of weeks ago my wonderful mother-in-law (who takes care of my daughter two days a week) came home from the library with a story about how my daughter had walked right up to another child and grabbed the book she was holding away from her. I’m sure it was an awkward moment for all involved and I was reminded of this blog post by Leslie that really inspired me (funny that her story happened at the library too).

After I heard about the “incident” at the library, I began to get curious about where my daughter had learned to grab and more importantly, why I hadn’t been teaching her how to ask nicely when she wanted something from someone else. And in the midst of my inquiry, I realized, I’ve been modeling the very thing she did. Whoa.

So, now that I’ve noticed the behavior that isn’t working for us and I’ve declared my new commitment to honor my daughter more fully, I have to come up with some strategies to help me keep my commitment. The first one is to plan ahead and keep items I don’t want her to have out of her reach entirely. So I’ll go through a few problem areas (like next to the diaper changing station) and reorganize, placing baby unfriendly items away in cabinets or boxes that close.

But I also need a strategy for the times when she does get something that I don’t want her to have. In those moments, I’ll take a deep breath and remember my commitment and then I’ll ask her for the item. If she refuses, I’ll ask her for “my turn”, or I’ll follow her around until she loses interest and then remove the item to a cabinet or drawer.

OK, so now I have my new commitment and my new strategies. I think I’m all set!

The only thing left is to process the feelings I have about how I’ve behaved in the past. I feel guilty about having ripped things away from my daughter in the past. I feel ashamed of my behavior and I’m judging myself as “immature.” And…my deepest truth is that I really was doing the best I could in the moment. It’s just that my best is constantly changing and grabbing things away from a young child no longer makes the cut.

Now I don’t expect my toddler to stop grabbing simply because I’ve stopped, but since we’ve also started talking about taking turns, I’ve noticed a big change already. After just a week or so of discussion, she now walks up to me, puts out her little hand and says “Turn?” My heart melts every single time.

Is this something that you struggle with too? If so, please leave me a comment. I’m out on a little bit of a limb here, and I would love to know that there are other people out here with me! Or maybe your challenge is slightly different, but I would still love to hear about it. We can support one another in making a change!

Sending you all warm hugs, Shelly

Upon further investigation it was discovered that children’s programming is full of examples of relational violence, and often most of the program was about setting up a conflict and the resolution only happened for a few minutes at the end of the show. Unfortunately for preschoolers, they aren’t developmentally able to follow the story line very well, so they end up learning from everything they see, rather than learning the moral of the story. Oops!

OK, so here’s where I come down hard on all television and tell you that young people are infinitely better served by playing games, reading books, contributing to the household, and engaging in pretend play. But you already know all that, and it’s still challenging to keep the TV off. So here’s another take. If you feel you must allow your preschooler to watch TV, try watching along with them and talking about what’s happening.

Children learn best from real live human beings who engage in a dialogue with them. So, your little one is much more likely to understand the moral, if you talk about it together. You can mute the commercials and use the time to process what’s happening in the show. Probing questions like, “How do you think Arthur felt when his friend didn’t want to play with him?” or “What can Word Girl do to help her friends?” can help your child clarify and understand the story line.

I know this doesn’t solve the problem of the most common use of television, to get a few minutes away from the kids to do an adult task, but I have lots of articles and information about how to help your child engage in independent activities. So if you need a few minutes to yourself, I recommend setting them up with an engaging task, rather than plopping them in front of the tube.

So far, my daughter has seen about 10 minutes of television in her whole 16 months of life, so I think it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. But I can imagine that as she gets older we will allow her to watch some nature shows and an occasional movie. But you’d better believe, I’ll be right there by her side, describing, sharing, showing, and educating her about the emotional content of the programs she watches. After all, I can’t think of much that’s more important to me than her emotional education. And since I also have a strong personal commitment to compassionate communication, I want my daughter to have the information and tools she needs to empathize and connect, rather than to hurt and tear down others.

If I really start to think big, I’d like a complete overhaul of children’s programming so that it promotes compassion and emphasizes the resolution of the conflict, rather than the creation of it. Who’s with me?

Please leave me a comment and share this with your friends. And have an awesome day, Shelly

I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. I bought into all that stuff about not letting the kids see you fight, just like everyone else. But the problem with taking your argument into the other room is that children are left knowing their parents are upset, but they have no idea how the situation was resolved. On the other hand, if they can witness the conflict AND it’s resolution, children are learning how to resolve conflicts, which is a pretty important skill for everyone.

Now I don’t mean to suggest that it’s good for kids to watch a conflict go unresolved. Children derive their sense of emotional security from the relationship between their parents (or the relationships between their primary caregivers). In fact, in “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson, I read of a study by Dr. E. Mark Cummings from Notre Dame, in which he showed that the quality of the parents’ relationship had even MORE of an impact on the child than the direct relationship between parent and child! So when there’s tension in the air, you can be assured, they feel it. And it bothers them. And it isn’t good for them.

But the truth of the matter is that married couples typically have anywhere between 2 and 8 conflicts every single day. Granted, some of them are large and some are small, but clearly, kids are being exposed to these conflicts even with our best efforts to shield them from our arguments.

Instead of wasting precious energy keeping our kids away from our conflicts, let’s learn to consistently resolve them peacefully, so that our children can learn much needed conflict resolution skills and we can relax and live our lives WITH our kids, rather than attempting to hide our arguments from them. Studies are showing that arguments can actually get quite heated, and as long as they are resolved, children are happy, calm, and well adjusted.

So, how are your conflict resolution skills? A little rusty perhaps? If so, I highly recommend “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. The NVC skill set has completely changed my experience of conflict.

I used to be terrified of upsetting anyone and walked on eggshells around my more firey and expressive friends and family members, but now I see a conflict as an opportunity to get closer to my loved ones. By checking in about what has upset someone, I get to know them even better than I did before!

As with any technique or model, even NVC can be used violently, so if you do learn and practice it, be sure to check in with yourself about what your intentions are in every interaction. But if you genuinely want to reconnect after an argument, NVC is one of my favorite tools.

The one other thing that has made the biggest difference for me in my ability to reconnect and resolve conflict is willingness to be vulnerable and share what’s on my heart. I think any two people can reconnect if they’re willing to feel their hearts and share what’s happening for them in a responsible way (read no blaming or shaming).

So, have you had any big (or small) arguments lately and then resolved them in front of your kids? If so, I would love to hear all about it! Please leave me a comment.

And have a Happy Thanksgiving! Warm hugs, Shelly