This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

“Who, me?”

Right.  Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing?  Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what?  It comes out anyway.  And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment.  It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way.  It’s called compassion.  For them?  No, not yet.  For us.  You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids.  What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business.  What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material:  the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children.  In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way.  We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us.  Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid.  It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat.  This is exactly what is required of the awake parent.  “I am Awake!  I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!”  And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children.  It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions.

So, what causes harm?  You know already what causes harm.  But did you know how much harm we cause by denying what is really real and true for us?  I once wanted to throw my four-year-old through a plate-glass window!  Really.  I wanted to hurl her through it with all of my might.  I was tortured by guilt with this unwanted compulsion until I finally admitted it, along with what I thought was my insanity, to a thoroughly-seasoned mother of four (three of whom were grown).

Do you know what she did?  She laughed!  Here I was, in quiet desperation, telling her my deepest, darkest secret… and she laughed.  In fact, she said, “Yeah.”  That’s one word; one word that told me, “Honey, I have been there and I understand.  And know what else?  It’s NORMAL.”  Oh my gosh, the medicine she gave me in that laugh and that acknowledgment!

Afterwards, with my kids I was no longer afraid of my rage.  It wasn’t being denied anymore, and therefore it didn’t need to build up anymore either.  Once deadset against raising my voice even the slightest bit with them, I could now scream if I wanted to:  “Aaaah!  I feel like I’m going to go crazy!  I’m going to explode!”

Do you know what my kids would do with that?  They’d back off.  They didn’t want me to explode.  And it wasn’t because they were afraid of me either.  It was because they actually loved me.  And they loved themselves.  And I sure loved them for their kindness in backing off also.  Believe it or not, in my commitment to my own radical honesty, we all became closer.

My goal was always to provide a peaceful, safe haven for my children to forever be able to come home to.  There were times when that included a good bit of noise, but still, it was always peaceful and it was always safe.  And they knew it.  Now, THANKS TO GRACE, these kids are free to express what’s alive in them too, without ever causing harm to another living soul.

Have a great week, Kheyala

Writer, Healer, Counselor

kheyala1@gmail.com

This week’s guest blog is by Kendra:

My 14-month old son, Trent, has recently developed a new scream so incredibly grating that it defies description.  It’s times like these that I am glad I have a mindfulness practice.

When I was in my early 20’s I lived in a Zen monastery for several years.  Back then, mindfulness meant hours & hours of seated meditation and spending most of my time in silence & contemplation.  Mindfulness meant bowing silently to my fellow monks instead of mindlessly asking, “hey, how you doing?” & raking the courtyard with such precision that every rake mark was parallel.

Once I left the monastery & moved to San Francisco, I meditated occasionally, I did some yoga, I tried to be mindful…but LIFE was always getting in the way:  there was a business to build, parties to go to, friends to meet, and email to respond to.  Who had the time to sit down and do nothing for an hour?!?!?

My son started re-teaching me mindfulness before he was even born:  I had to take the time to make healthy meals, I had to remember to drink water, I had to take daily walks, and I had to get 8 hours of sleep every night – if I didn’t take care of myself, he let me know by way of nausea, headaches, full-body aches, and complete & utter exhaustion, this was not OK.  He was teaching me to slow down, to listen, to silently bow to my experience instead of always being off to the next thing.

One of my yoga teachers has a saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” And she’s not talking about money.  Trent was teaching the value of paying upfront; the beauty of living life in the moment (and not having to worry when my credit would catch up to me).

For parents, the question remains:  who has the time to sit still & do nothing for an hour?!?!?

And, so, my son is my mindfulness practice.

I can’t tell you how many times I have responded to my son’s subtle cues with an absent-minded, “Hold on – I just need to do one more thing”, only to have him completely lose it at the most inopportune time.  Pay me now, or pay me later…

Mindfulness no longer looks like hours of silence, but, rather, bringing the same level of attention to Trent’s endless babbling.  And, when I take the time to listen -REALLY listen- I have never heard anything so beautiful.

Instead of returning (over & over) to my breath, I return (over & over & over) to the game of how-many-blocks-can-Mommy-stack-before-Trent-knocks-them-all-down.  I no longer have the time (nor the inclination) to rake symmetrical patterns in gravel, but I do know how much better I feel when I am present & aware as I pick up the toys & the blocks, and put the books back on the shelf (for the fifth time today); when I am there to notice how soft this stuffed lemur is & how beautiful these stacking blocks that build a redwood tree are & how sweet it is that this book belonged to me when I was the baby.

And, then, how much more available I am to be with my son when he turns with the sweetest of gazes & says, “Mamma.”  There is nowhere else I would rather be.

One specific practice I really love is Baby (or Child) Meditation:  choose a five to ten minute spot during the day when you can turn off your phone & the computer, when you don’t need to eat or prepare food, when no one needs help with their homework, etc.  Then go to where your child is & simply give them your full attention.  And notice:  notice how their body moves, what sounds they make, how your body feels as you witness them, what emotions and/or thoughts come up for you.  Notice them, and let them go.  Breathe.

(Of course, if they engage you, feel free to respond, but don’t initiate contact.  The purpose is not the play with your child, but to offer them your wide witnessing gaze, that offers no judgment & demands nothing in return.)

I would love to know about your experiences of parenting as a mindfulness practice.

Have a good week,

Kendra Cunov
Co-founder of AuthenticWorld
Mom of Trent, 14 months old
http://butwhohasthetime.blogspot.com/

This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

I’m happy to be back at AwakeParent.com as a guest blogger today. I wanted to share with you some thoughts on dealing with other adults in your life who interact with your children. As parents striving for greater consciousness, I have found it can sometimes be painful when other adults interact with our precious children in ways that don’t support the experience we’re trying so hard to create.

At times, I have both asked and been asked by other adults to treat a child differently.  This hasn’t gone very well!  The time I was asked not to interact with a child in the way I wanted to I felt a sense of shame, even though intellectually I agreed with the parent’s boundary. What happened? I touched a child’s hair without permission. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, perhaps, but really, how would I feel if someone I didn’t know reach out and started fondling my tresses, rather than ask? I could see in the parent’s eyes that that was exactly what he was tuned into. I got it; still, I felt small.

I have also not found a way to make such a request of another adult that feels both compassionate and authentic. When I have made such requests, it’s also felt alienating, rather than connecting. It seems no one likes to hear, “Please don’t do that to my child.”

Here’s what I think is going on, and what we can do about it.  One, I think a vulnerable part of us comes forth when we connect with a child.  I want to treat this part of myself and others with gentleness and compassion, so I want to honor all good faith attempts to connect with children.  Two, if I intervene on his behalf, I do my own child a bit of a disservice. I exercise my autonomy instead of allowing him to exercise his.  At the same time, I want to intervene if it looks like my child would rather not be experiencing what’s happening.

So, if my son looks uncomfortable though not in danger (or being tickled), or like he’s just tolerating something an adult is doing, I ask him, within the other person’s earshot, and with a lighthearted attitude, “Is that okay with you?”  Often he says “no,” and almost always the adult apologizes to him, and does not seem offended. This way, I’m also training my son to check in with himself, and ask “Is this OK with me?”

I think most adults genuinely want to connect with children in mutually consensual ways, but we feel awkward because we so seldom see this kind of behavior modeled for us. I still feel slightly embarrassed sometimes when I do manage to treat my child with complete respect, because it’s not what I’ve seen modeled. However, occasionally someone will say they were touched or moved by how I interacted with my son. Maybe we can all help to awaken in each other our deep yearning for all beings, large and small, to be treated with complete respect.

Back in real life, our beloved friends and relatives may not follow our lead as quickly as we would like—or at all, for that matter—people generally default to what they’re familiar with. However, what I’ve noticed is that the more we can respect and embrace the adults’ loving intentions at the same time as we model respect for our children (by lightheartedly asking the child if what’s happening is OK with them), the less likely we will be to trigger shame in the other adult, and to feel triggered ourselves. I want to remind myself and others that we adults are always doing the best we can with the young people in their lives. I want us all to try to support each other where we are, even as we hold out possibilities for where we might be.

I’d love to know your thoughts on this.

Warmly,

Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

Hello Awake Parent Readers,

Just wanted to let you know…

Baby Julia was born on August 2, 2010 at around 3 PM coming in at 7 lb 13 oz. Both mom and baby are doing well. Pictures to come….

Jill and I sent out a message last week asking for your warm pre-congratulations. Thank you to everyone that responded. We’ve posted your warm and gracious letters below.

Sincerely,
Jill & Colin

P.S. Please feel free to add to the love by expressing yourself in the comments box below.

P.P.S. If you ever wondered what Shelly looked like as a baby… her mom pulled out a baby pic of her. It’s the second to last letter we got below.

This week’s guest blog is by Mindy:

After I had my first baby my neighbor told me that I can no longer call it “going on vacation” if kids are involved, and that she refers to it as traveling or taking a trip.  It took me a couple years and many attempts at vacationing with kids to fully grasp what she meant.

A vacation implies a break, and traveling with young kids, especially more than one, is anything but that.  In fact, in nearly every way it is more difficult, more work, and more exhausting than staying home .  Labeling the trip as a vacation is really just setting yourself up for disappointment as it seems even more painful to be up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or time-zone-wacked toddler when you’re paying $200 a night for the “experience” in lodging alone.

Here are some things that have helped add a little vacation to our trips:

Travel with extended family

Of course, this only works if you have family you like enough to be around AND they are good with your kids.  But if you really think about it, you probably have at least someone who qualifies.  Maybe a niece who likes kids and would love a free place to stay by the beach?

BK (before kids) I never would have considered bringing my mother along for a beach vacation with my husband as it would completely cramp the intimacy and probably drive me crazy, but now she’s the only hope we have of intimacy and I’m making it an annual thing!

If you’re inviting relatives, it’s best to be clear about everyone’s expectations up front (before booking the trip) including the financial side.  If you are want help with the kids you need to make a clear request, such as “My husband and I can really use some alone time to reconnect, would you be willing to you watch the kids for two afternoons and one evening while we go out?”

Other Help

If you really can’t fathom the idea of vacationing with ANYONE you have a blood relationship with, seriously consider forking out the money to take along a babysitter or nanny.  Some people will be happy to come along and provide a certain number of childcare hours as a trade if you are paying for part or all of their trip, especially if they can bring a friend or significant other.  For us, it means we take far less vacations because they are more expensive when we’re paying for additional people, but since it’s so much more of a vacation WITH the help it’s worth it.

The holy grail of help is traveling where there are other kids for your kids to play with, so if there is any way to orchestrate this by traveling with another family (and perhaps bringing and splitting the cost of a nanny) go for it!

Minimize changing locations

Everyone will probably be happier if you stay at one place for 9 days than 3 places for 3 days.   Kids need a couple days to get in a rhythm at a new place and figure out how and what to play, what the sleeping arrangements are, and really feel comfortable.  If you are changing locations every couple days the kids are more likely to act out.

Multiple rooms

You’ll want at least two rooms and at least one of them to get pretty dark so your child doesn’t wake up at the crack of dawn local time just because it’s too bright in the room.  The multiple rooms is worth the extra cash, even if everyone is sharing one bed, because you will need a place to hang out with your mate while the kids are (hopefully) napping or down early.

Kitchen or Kitchenette

You’ll probably more than save the money you pay for this extra in not having to eat out for every meal.  You’ll also have much more relaxed dining experiences and less hunger related meltdowns if you can just eat-on-demand in.

Family Friendly Resorts

I’ve found various resorts that cater to kids & families by offering activities for kids, childcare (either babysitters or daycare “kids clubs”, or both), kids pools with slides, kids food options, and so on.  I haven’t stayed at any of the places I’ve researched because we prefer smaller, B&B type places and our kids generally don’t go for being watched by people they don’t know, but these could be a godsend.

And… possibly most importantly…. Do Less

Getting everyone fed, dressed, and down the to beach or pool expends more than enough effort, why try to pack in that amusement park that they are probably too young  or old for anyway or is much too crowded? (Unless of course Grandma is taking them!)

It can take a day or two for the kids to adjust to having you around so much and so much unstructured time, but they’ll adjust and probably thrive on having endless open afternoons at the same beach, woods, park or just yard day after day.

Please share your wisdom and stories of how you have traveled with kids.

Mindy Ranney
www.ranney.com

This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash.  For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied.  The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house.  Or should I say her house!

I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh.  I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!”  That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.

I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!

If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do.  Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it.  The child will actually relax in that neutrality.  After all, it’s tough to run the world!

In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort.  All is well.  And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience.

You call the shots.  What I mean by this is that you get to decide which behaviors you would like to cohabitate with intimately for the next two decades or so, and then to a lesser degree for the rest of your life.  Responses can go from, “Nope.  We don’t treat each other like that in this house.  Let’s find another way,” to “Uh uh. We don’t run and scream in here, but absolutely feel free to take it outside!  That’s ‘outside’ behavior.”  Or, for me, I get irked by whining.  “You want that?  Go ahead and find a new way to ask me that’ll make me want to say yes!”

There’s a vigilance required in this kind of parenting, but it’s not full of trying or effort.  It’s about being vigilant regarding the state of your own body/mind.  Feelings of discomfort are incredibly valuable to catch early; otherwise you end up feeling really sorry about however you finally did express yourself when it went flying out all by itself.

[*Grin.*  We’ve all been there!]

I’m happy to say as I write this, that I’ve got two kids, twelve and seven, who not only have the full content of their freedom and dignity, but are so great to be around that not only do I enjoy them immensely myself, but I can bring them just about anywhere and most everyone else will agree.

When they were small, my own discomfort showed me everything I needed to know.  I learned it was more fun for me to NOT bring my boy toddler to long, quiet gatherings.  He genuinely needed to move his body and rustle about, as opposed to his big sister who had, for years, accompanied me and had happily sat for hours without a peep, simply coloring while eating parmesan cheese shreds one by one.  Here were two totally different sets of possibilities within the same exact gene pool… and how extraordinary!

These kids keep us not only on our toes, but rooted in our centers.  They help us be our own very best selves, as we help them to be theirs.  What more precious gift can one human give to another than this?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment box below…

Have a good week, Kheyala

Kheyala Rasa  Intuitive Spiritual Guidance

Please send any heartfelt questions or concerns (on any topic) to kheyala1@gmail.com

The New York Times published an article this week about the importance of having a social network http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/28/a-new-risk-factor-your-social-life/ Apparently, the study shows that having strong social ties decreases your risk of dying by 50%!  Researches concluded that not having a social network can be as dangerous to your health as smoking a pack a day or being an alcoholic.

In the study, strong family ties counted as a social network, but I suspect that the social experiences we get to have with our peers and elders are hugely important.  So, if your only family ties are with your partner and kids, take a moment this week to consider how you can expand your social network to include some fun peer connections.   According to this study, it really could be a matter of life and death.

In my parenting coaching practice, I often work with moms who tell me they just don’t have time to connect with their friends anymore.  They struggle to get in some alone time or a workout here and there or a date with their husband, but they seem to forget that having a conversation with a girlfriend or going to lunch with an old college buddy can be just as important.

I know it’s not easy to connect with friends when your kids are around, but as a nanny, I managed to meet up with a girlfriend who also had a charge a couple of times a week.  We would chat at the park while we watched the kids play, or meet up for lunch and have a very disjointed, many times interrupted, conversation while we somehow got ourselves and the kids fed.  Or we’d walk to the library together and have a whispered adult conversation during toddler story time.

There really are ways to get your social needs met, even with young children.  And yes, it’s much different from the one on one social time you spent with your friends before there were kids in the picture.  You will get interrupted.  You may not get to finish your thought, or remember where you left off before that last diaper change, but you can still connect with an understanding friend, get some nourishing eye contact and a good hug and maybe even a thoughtful reflection or a tip or suggestion.  At the very least, you can remember that you’re not alone.

And then again, you may even be able to create opportunities to connect with friends WITHOUT your kids!  You can hire a babysitter or do a childcare trade with a trusted friend.  Or if you’re lucky, you can drop the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s for an afternoon or evening.  If your kids are older, you can schedule sleepovers at friend’s houses and actually have a night out on the town!

What are your favorite activities to do with your friends?  And when was the last time you actually made an effort to do those things together?!   I found the New York Times article sobering to say the least, and it reminds me that even as I welcome my first child into the world, I MUST prioritize my own health and wellbeing so that I can be the mom I want to be.  And I’m re-committed to staying in contact with my friends and family, even after becoming a parent.  I hope you’ll take on the challenge too.

So, this will be my last blog for a couple of months.  And  you get a treat!  I’ve collected guest blogs from some friends and conscious parents, so you’ll get some new ideas and perspectives while I’m on maternity leave.  And don’t worry, I’ll be back at the end of September or early October so regale you with my newest insights.  Have a fantastic week and stick around for some really fun and interesting guest blogs in the coming weeks.  Warm hugs, Shelly

When I was a teenager I was flipping through my baby book and I saw a letter my mom had written to me before I was born.  It was sweet and heartfelt and at that moment I knew on a deeper level how very wanted I was and how special I was to my mom even before she met me for the first time.   It has always been important to me that I make a conscious choice to become a parent and that I wait until I’m really ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood.  So here I am, just two weeks away from my “guess date” and I’ve decided to write a letter to my baby to welcome him or her.

I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward.  I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before.  I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times.   So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart.  I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share.  And I hope you enjoy this special blog.  So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.

Dear Baby,

Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you.  Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes.  I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head.  Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.

I can’t wait to be your mama.  I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life.  I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you.  I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you.  Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life.  Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose.

Just wait ‘till you meet your dad.  He’s fantastic.  I just know he’s going to be such a wonderful daddy to you.  When I was choosing a husband I decided to choose the man with the biggest, most beautiful heart I could find.  And that’s your dad.  He cares so deeply, and shares himself so openly.  I love his honesty and the way he has trouble keeping a secret, even when it’s a fun surprise.  I completely trust him to take exquisite care of all of our hearts, which is really the most important task of all.  And on top of all that, he’s hilarious!  With your daddy in our lives, we are sure to have lots and lots of laughter and fun.

My friends keep telling me that you’re “one lucky baby” and I agree.  I’ve always thought of myself as one of the luckiest people I know.  And I’m so happy to pass on my good fortune to you.  In fact, there’s no one else I’d rather bless with endless good luck and the ability to appreciate and enjoy it.

One of my deepest hopes is that we can always communicate openly with each other, that no matter what’s happening, you know you can always come to us, share whatever’s on your heart and we’ll always love you no matter what.  There may be times when we don’t like each other very much, but even then, please know, that we love you dearly, deeply, and without conditions.  And even in times when you think you don’t, we’ll remember that you love us too.  Because that’s how it is in our family, we practice unconditional love and acceptance no matter what the circumstances.

So, welcome to life on Earth, and welcome to your family.  May you be surrounded by love, inspired to learn and grow, and always know that you are deeply cherished.

So much love, Your Mom

I’m curious, have any of you written similar letters to your children before they arrived?  What kinds of things did you share?  How do you feel about having written to your unborn child?  And what  impact do you think your letter will have on your child as he or she reads it later?

Have a fantastic week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

About a year ago I read an interesting article in a magazine about a rat study that showed that rats that were deprived of sleep died sooner than rats that were deprived of food.  Wow, I knew sleep was important, but I had no idea that going without it could actually kill animals faster than going without food would.

Sleep deprivation makes a huge impact on all sorts of brain functions.   Recent studies have shown marked negative impacts on mood, cognitive performance and motor function in people who are sleep deprived.  One study I read stated that “profound neurocognitive deficits accumulate over time” in people who are deprived of sleep.

If you’re a parent, I know you’ve experienced sleep deprivation on some level.  It’s starting for me during the last month of pregnancy.  And I know my sleep will be disrupted for many months to come as I breastfeed through the night.

Even when your kids are older, they wake up in the middle of the night vomiting or they wet the bed or they have a nightmare they can’t shake.  And although it decreases as your kids get older, you’re likely to have some sleep deprivation when your kids are teenagers too, as you wait up for them or worry about them when they’re out at night.

So the question I propose is, what can we do about it?  How can we mitigate some of the effects of sleep deprivation so that we can feel good, keep our wits about us, drive safely, and cook dinner without cutting or burning ourselves?

I have a few ideas.  First, take naps.  I don’t know about you, but in order to feel good about taking naps I had to work through a lot of beliefs that napping is “lazy” or “unproductive”.  Now that I’ve seen the sleep deprivation research, I know that taking naps is neither lazy nor unproductive.  And if it keeps me in a good mood and helps me have better motor coordination, I’d say it’s a pretty good solution to missing sleep at night.

So now you’re thinking, “That’s great, but who can find the time?!”  Well, I’d say, it’s just like anything else in life, if it’s a high priority, you’ll make the time.  And if you’re grumpy with your kids and you’re noticing that you can’t think straight, I think napping could become a high priority pretty quickly.  You can nap when your kids nap, or take turns with your partner.  Or, you can all nap together as a family.  If you have kids who don’t want to nap, set them up with some quiet activities that they can do nearby and get some rest, or call a friend or sitter to come over and hang out with your kids while you nap.

Here’s another thought to help you get the sleep you need.  Cut out the caffeine! Caffeine feels like the perfect solution when you’re so tired you can’t even imagine running errands or doing paper work, but when we use caffeine we trick our bodies into thinking they have more energy than they actually have.  We also throw our cortisol levels out of whack which can affect blood sugar, and even brain function.  Cortisol is considered the “stress hormone”, so let’s leave that one out of the equation whenever possible.

Lastly, I recommend you discover out the amount of sleep that works best for you and structure your life around getting it.  Often, we don’t know how much sleep we really need because we’re too busy doing what needs to be done to figure it out.  Sure, we all know that most people do well on 8 hours of sleep per night, but do you know how YOUR body best functions?

There was a short time when I worked only in the afternoons and I was able to get as much sleep as my body wanted.  I realized over the course of a few months  that 9 hours of sleep per night is the amount that’s right for me.  When I get 9 hours of sleep, I wake up easily, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.   And when I get less than 9 hours, I feel tired and grumpy, especially when I get less than 9 hours for several days in a row.

Now I structure my life around getting the sleep I need, and as a result I enjoy my life so much more!  So, consider that the “8 hours of sleep per night” is just a guideline and see what you can do to restructure your life so that you get as much sleep as you need.  I guarantee you’ll be a better parent as a result.

And, if you’re curious about the amount of sleep your child needs, I highly recommend “The No-cry Sleep Solution” books by Elizabeth Pantley.  You might be surprised how many of the things you think of as behavior problems or lack of coordination could actually be caused by sleep deprivation

Please share about your own experiences in the comment box below.  I always love to hear from you!

Have a restful week, Shelly

Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”.  We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated.  And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions.  When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else.  But there is!  We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly