We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.
Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!
This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.
Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of. And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.
Last night, my son tried repeatedly to hit me. I restrained him and told my son in very clear terms that trying to hurt people isn’t a way we deal with feelings in this family. Once he stopped fighting me, he seemed to feel some relief that he didn’t “have to” resort to this behavior that he didn’t feel entirely good about. There’s no real way to sugar coat this–it was a demand. I insisted that he stop hitting, and I restrained him until he stopped and agreed not to try to hurt me. (I am hoping he grows out of this before he becomes too big to restrain…)
I dislike making demands. I would much rather request what I want. But for myself, when it comes to hitting, I have a bottom line–I do demand that it stop. At the same time, I also wanted to maintain my sense of connection with my son.
So, as I held his swinging arms, I explained some reasons I was preventing him from hitting. I was concerned that no one would want to be his friend if he treated them that way. I also told him that when he got older, if he treated people this way, he could wind up in jail, and I didn’t want that to happen. Both true, both seemed to impact him. So it wasn’t just a battle of wills, it was a boundary with a reason attached.
When I was a kid, my parents set rules but rarely enforced them. This gave me an ungrounded sense, that I could somehow float away and not be noticed. I also lost respect for my parents, and felt more powerful than I was comfortable with. So I guess I’ve gone the other direction and now want to make sure my son knows that I am in charge, he has safe boundaries to thrash around in and that I mean what I say.
I also feel pretty clear that hitting is one of the only areas where I feel myself move into “demand” space. Much of the rest of our day-to-day feels like it has more wiggle room.
But I wanted to raise the issue of making demands because I feel like it’s gotten a bit of a bad rap (and maybe I’ve even contributed to that) and I wanted to look at demands in a different light, as something that can bring relief to all parties concerned.
What do you think? Do you make demands, and if so, when? How do you feel about them? How does that work out?
Demands are necessary when it involves the safety of a child and/or others. But expectations are also important. While not enforced the same as demands, letting our children understand our expectations of them and their behavior is the way we teach them values, caring, empathy. While teaching by example is a must, it’s also good to explain our expectations in age appropriate ways so children can learn why we behave the way we do. And, since information is power, explaining why you make specific demands is also critical for a child’s understanding. Nice job standing up for yourself, Mom/Jill!
Thank you, Christee. I like the “information is power” insight. I try to keep that in mind. When I fail to, my son often reminds me of something I left out.
My mom always insisted we hold her hand or hold onto the shopping cart in the parking lot. If we were fooling around in this situation, my mom would use strong language and wouldn’t move until every one of us (five kids) was holding onto something. This was her time that she demanded we be safe.
Yeah, and how good does that feel to come up against a safety boundary. The thing that’s hard for me is that apparently it also feels good to kids to push against it–sometimes harder than I feel comfortable defending. I do it anyway because I want to offer consistency, but I don’t always enjoy it. (Can you tell I’m coming off a hard night of restraining my son from hitting me for many minutes on end?) After it was all done he was back to his sweet self, but…whew. Draining. I think they should make padded suits for parents!
I feel making a ‘demand’ is just a word that means you very clearly and assertively express to others that they have crossed over your boundaries and that, in order to respect yourself, you will not allow it.
My son has in the past resorted to stealing (petty things – however, not the point – stealing is stealing) and lying about it.
I have very clearly and assertively expressed to him (regrettably not always the ‘white’ way) that stealing from my is crossing over my boundaries and that there are consequences for that.
Let’s not forget though, there were lessons in that for me – not to be too blarzay about my wallet, keeping it in a ‘safe’ place – to know how much is in it – etc etc.
My reasons where that it is disrepectful to others, it leaves a message to others about your feelings towards them and that money can come easily (meaning that life is only as hard as you make it), however, making money in the ‘black’ goes against the law of hearts.
Not certain how to takle it from moment to moment, yet with every issue a learning is present.
I love this discussion! I think that one of the most difficult parts of being a modern gentle parent is that we often end up feeling like a doormat – we just keep begging our children to please be nice. Parents need to respect and honour their own feelings, just as we respect and honour our children’s. In this situation, I use language like “I want to have a house where everyone is gentle with each other. I expect you to be kind to me. I will be kind to you. I will never hit you, and I will never allow anyone to be hit in this home. I will do everything I can to keep all of us safe.”
I have generally moved away from my child and help my arms in front of me to make it very clear that I would not allow myself to be hit or hurt, when necessary.
I also turn the situation around, and ask if my child would like it if that thing were done to her. When she says “no”, I say “…and I don’t like it either. I promise that if someone does that to you, I will do everything I can to stop it. And I promise that I will do my best to never do that to you. Let’s make a plan that we will both be gentle with each other…”
Since our children do as we do, they will allow themselves to be mis-used if we set the example of allowing ourselves to be, so we are setting the example for them to learn how to insist that they be respected, when the situation arises. I love it when my child says to me “Mommy, please use a gentle voice with me!” because I know that she will demand respect from others as well.
The whole conversation reminds me of the “win-win or no deal” conversation…some things are definitely “no deal”, and rightfully so.
On the other hand, if we want to teach our children to express their emotions, there will come a time when they need to express their anger or frustration. When our son was a teen, with plenty of teen rage and frustration, we bought him a punching bag, and believe me he used it! Exercise (running, walking, jumping jacks) can also help us release anger from our bodies. Perhaps a punching pillow would be helpful for your son right now. Because, let’s face it. As a child, there aren’t that many opportunities to control our lives and we all need to feel control and power (at least over objects) once in awhile.
I’ve recently started ‘demanding’ that my 14yo daughter spend less time on the computer … I’d hoped that she would be able to self regulate her computer use, but this has just not happened. I think that computer games (and Facebook) are just so addictive that she is unable to stop when it’s time. I’m not sure how this is going to work out, I don’t want to be standing over her with a stopwatch … any suggestions?
Hey Annabanananana, Have you tried asking her to set an alarm for herself? Or asking her to come up with a solution?
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Simple changes at home can help kids feel comfortable and capable =-.