I’ve been reading posts about all of us parents having trouble keeping our kids entertained, or how there is not enough time to do stuff during the day, and how the kids are just too overwhelming. I found the coolest website that has helped me free up tons of time, TippyTales.com.

Check it out…I am telling you it’s hours of fun. My kids love it. I find myself playing with it as well.

Yes, it is tricky indeed! To create a space where your children feel heard, can express themselves clearly, have space for their emotions, while respecting yours and others boundaries, AND you are meeting their needs with out rewarding them for bad behavior; It’s definitely a balancing act I have not mastered yet!

While my 2 yr old’s needs tend to be more basic/easily identifiable (and met), I have found my fourteen year old’s needs are frequently the same (ie: love, attention, some amount of control). HOWEVER when it gets really tricky for me is when she is acting out because she wants to go somewhere or do something – to gain a new privilege/freedom (vs needing a hug, or an ear).

Again, our rules start with respect at home. “If you behave well at home then we will be able to trust you to behave well when not with us” (at least one always hopes!). However I’m seeing an loop being created, and have not yet figured out how to handle it in the big picture approach.

She wants to feel like she is in control of something in her life. And she is feeling frustrated and angry but does not know why, or what to do about it. I can remember feeling that nothing (life, emotions, etc.) made ANY sense at this age…

So my best guess is: In an attempt to have control and make sense of overwhelming feelings of frustration, maybe she acts out. Then she is not allowed to go/do wherever. As a result she has created control by causing/getting a predictable outcome, AND gets to have a direction for her anger/frustrations (me) which now also feels justified, because “My mom so so mean and unfair and never lets me do anything”.

I now feel caught in a catch 22 because I know what she wants: love, affection, support, freedom, trust. However don’t feel like I can turn around and send the message “I understand that you are being mean to me because you want your freedom, so I will let you go to the movies, even though….”. My fear is that I will be rewaring her for her actions and will only see more of the same.

Meeting the needs of a teenager defiantly feels like a whole new balancing act that is more complex, even though most of the actual needs are often still the same… I often find myself feeling stuck and repeating conversations of “You are in control of how your life goes.” But I think its not sticking so well! I must be in need of more affective tools!

In any case, I am really looking forward to hearing you expand on distinctions of acting out, Jill, and will be checking out the book you are reading right now Shelli!

Thank you so much for creating this, what a wonderful gift you are to parents and the world!!!!

~Jasmine

And, like you, I want to get the behavior under wraps before addressing the cause. I find it tricky, because I do notice an important distinction (at least between two KINDS of “acting out.” Yes, of course there are many, but one distinction is springing to mind that you’ve now inspired me to write about. THat, plus bringing forth our own emotions in a vulnerable way, and making a jointly agreed on plan when neither of you is feeling triggered). Hmm, maybe that’s more than one entry…thank you! I’ll expand more on this shortly.

Jill

I think you’re really on to something when you say, “She wants to be mad. But I think she doesn’t have an explanation or understanding for what or why she’s feeling the way she is, and enviably I will be the target. Often she is just angry, hormonal and confused, and its “my fault”.”

In his book, “Nonviolent Communication”, Marshall Rosenberg addresses just this sort of confusion. His theory is that all our uncomfortable emotions like anger, frustration, or annoyance (among MANY other) stem from an unmet need.

It’s not easy to recognize the needs underneath your daughter’s feelings, but I’ve found that when I can identify those needs and offer empathy, I get a much better response from the upset person.

I wonder how things might have gone if you’d asked, “Wow, it sounds like you’re feeling really annoyed! Is there anything specific that you’re needing or wanting?”. In this way you can teach your daughter to look within for the cause of her unpleasant emotions, rather than blaming others.

I don’t have much time right now, but I’m feeling so grateful for your comment. And I’m really appreciating your clarity about the boundary you have for your family regarding speaking to each other with respect.

I’m reading a FANTASTIC book right now, based on Marshall Rosenberg’s work, but with a parenting twist. It’s called “Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to turn family conflict into co-operation. It’s by Sura Hart and Victorial Kindle Hodson.

I hope to see you back here again soon! Warmly, Shelly

When I got in my car today and My 14 year old daughter says, “Your hair looks bad, you just look bad today.” and I respond with “wow, that was a really unkind thing to say. I know you say you really want me to be nice to you, then why would you speak to me like that? Whats going on?” and get the response ” you just annoy me sometimes”. I say “What is it that I’ve done that’s annoying you so much, you feel you need to treat me in this way” she says “well it’s not today, but other days”. There was more to it, but the feeling was I was under attack for no reason, other than she just felt like it, but she felt justified none the less. She wanted to pick a fight no matter what I said, but I was not enrolled.

Even though neither her father or I allow being treated or spoken to in a disrespectful way, I am the one who gets the brunt of the attitude. She wants to be mad. But I think she doesn’t have an explanation or understanding for what or why she’s feeling the way she is, and enviably I will be the target. Often she is just angry, hormonal and confused, and its “my fault”. Regardless of what I say or do I am the bad guy. It is hard to remember that it is not personal. Regardless, in our house it is a rule that we all speak to each other with respect.

Today’s conversation ended with “when you say and do things like that, you are the one you are hurting. Your privileges suffer because if you are not respectful at home we dont know that you will be respectful else where.”

But it has me wonder; at what point to we stop reacting to “I’m going to have a fit and therefore get my emotional needs met” and just draw the line and simply say “this is not OK and you will not get what you want at this point” because 5 becomes 14 really fast, and I want my daughter to learn to be responsible for her emotions and actions.

Over all shes a very good kid, but obviously is frustrated. Too bad I lost my instruction manual!!!…..