Comments on: Parenting outside the box: A happy divorce!?

By: Jill

Jill — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:07:41 +0000

Thank you, Lisa Kathleen, Steph, Marcella and Design your own clothes. It’s always good to know when my words make an impact. Yours are making an impact on me, too. LK, I especially appreciate your decision to not call your former partner your “ex.” It’s such a harsh word, and though it may fit for many, it’s good to know we have the option to choose otherwise. Thanks for modeling that for me. Steph, I so hope you find a way to have peace…it seems what a few of us have noticed is exactly what you did–*how* we approach the changes can tremendously affect how our children experience the changes. Marcella, I appreciate your glimpse of the future, and the factors to keep in mind as my son’s dad and I navigate this transition. It sure helps to hear peaceful and optimistic voices of those who have gone through it! DYOC, maybe we will make t-shirts with our new insights in the form of slogans . Cheers, Jill

By: Design your own clothes

Design your own clothes — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:16:29 +0000

A happy divorce? Well you make it Alot better when you are staying civil as you are. it’s rare to see anyone that polite to each other while deciding to go different ways in life. living close by each other is Great for your children and will make it alot easier for them to stay in touch with both of you while they wwill have alot more freedom as to where they wanna spend the night and so forth. Hope you will find a good solution for you guys!

By: marcella

marcella — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:44:58 +0000

Creating Wholeness

Our most recent Family Meeting ended in a clear vision that met the needs of the 4 adults and 3 children that make-up our two homes. The constellation of us looks like– My partner Mark and I, our baby and Sky whose Mama is Dana. Dana, who I consider one of my dear friends, is married to her partner and they just had a baby exactly 6 months after us. M

(Establishing a close bond with with my partner’s former mate was a conscious act to create peace and harmony between our households and in opening to her, I made an invaluable friend)

We live in two houses, less than a mile a part and have gone to great lengths to make our two-household family as whole as possible. While the love that is present between all of us is palpable, it doesn’t make the reality that Sky has two distinct homes go away. It feels good to speak that, as generating an environment of wholeness when the source energy of the child is no longer merged via his/her parents can be tricky business. Thankfully, alternatives and creativity can make separation so much healthier than our current societal model.

What we concluded in our most recent talk was that ideally having our homes adjacent to each other so that Sky can flow more fluidly between our homes would be the best option. Sky has expressed that it is difficult bonding with one family and then letting go each week. (we do one week with each family) Even though we have a weekly dinner at alternating houses so that we keep a connection flowing between our homes, there is still a very strong physical, emotional connection that is impacted through the shifting.

We hope that moving physically closer will help ease the transitions, supply the needed space and autonomy the adults need and create a more relaxed version of co-parenting.

By: Steph

Steph — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:15:54 +0000

Thanks for posting this entry. I am having seemingly-insurmountable challenges with the father of our 4 year old, but have been shying away from living separately because of not wanting to traumatize our little one.
Reading your story, and the comment, have given me inspiration that separation doesn’t have to be traumatic. I know how much energy relationship dynamics can take, and wanted to express appreciation for your taking time and energy to share your experience. Peace, steph

By: Lisa Kathleen

Lisa Kathleen — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 22:07:42 +0000

Our family also has created a very peaceful two-home family. We also lived in the same house for almost a year after deciding to separate, and I was very supportive of helping my little girl’s daddy keep our house so that my little one wouldn’t feel an abrupt transition to two new homes. We worked with mediators to make decisions about how we wanted to continue our interactions, and came to an agreement that is very flexible, yet includes all of the important pieces that both of us felt strongly about.

We have never used the word “divorce”, and only once has my little girl shown sadness about our new situations. It was short-lived, understood, compassionately responded to, cried through, and then not brought up again. So different than what I experienced as a child – issues that were never discussed or resolved.

I have been very honest with my little one (now 4) about the reasons for the separation, and she has accepted it all very happily, as there is no blame in any of my talk.

I would like to mention that from the inside of the marriage relationship, it did not look like there would be an option for an easy, or amicable separation and divorce, but I was persistent and compassionate towards my little girl’s dad, and that eventually made a big difference. I have never called him my “ex” and have always spoken respectfully about him, even when others did not. This has been really hard sometimes, but seeing my little girl, and knowing how hard it was growing up with negativity between divorced parents made the hard things easy in a way they never could have been without having her in my heart.

In joy,
Lisa Kathleen