Guest Blog: So, Who’s Calling the Shots? And How?

brar01_kazdinThis week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

I was a kid – a very good kid – who knew what it was like to be raised on a very short leash.  For this reason, when I had my own little one, I was more than committed to allowing her the freedom which I had been denied.  The trouble was, by the time she’d reached a year and a half, I found myself with a little tyrant running my house.  Or should I say her house!

I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh.  I cannot imagine what the ‘terrible twos’ will bring, let alone the teenage years, when this is what I’ve got to reckon with now!”  That was the moment this insight came to me; a beautiful, timeless insight that remains true to this day (she’s 12 now) and has proved since to be just as extraordinarily effective and beneficial for every other child who as fallen under my care.

I must meet this young person’s energy directly, in equal measure to what is coming at me. Not one ounce more – or I’m the bully and that’s painful to us all – and not one ounce less, or she’s the one running the show, and at 18 months she is not yet qualified to run the show!

If you tune in to your own body as well as to the child’s after having met his or her energy directly and equally, I am certain you will experience the same visceral relief that I do.  Whenever the force is met with equal measure, it neutralizes it.  The child will actually relax in that neutrality.  After all, it’s tough to run the world!

In that moment, the little person will know he or she is safe and that someone else who is wise and capable is now holding down the fort.  All is well.  And you, too, will relax in your own power-sans-aggression, your own natural place in the universe as the human being in the room with the most life experience.

You call the shots.  What I mean by this is that you get to decide which behaviors you would like to cohabitate with intimately for the next two decades or so, and then to a lesser degree for the rest of your life.  Responses can go from, “Nope.  We don’t treat each other like that in this house.  Let’s find another way,” to “Uh uh. We don’t run and scream in here, but absolutely feel free to take it outside!  That’s ‘outside’ behavior.”  Or, for me, I get irked by whining.  “You want that?  Go ahead and find a new way to ask me that’ll make me want to say yes!”

There’s a vigilance required in this kind of parenting, but it’s not full of trying or effort.  It’s about being vigilant regarding the state of your own body/mind.  Feelings of discomfort are incredibly valuable to catch early; otherwise you end up feeling really sorry about however you finally did express yourself when it went flying out all by itself.

[*Grin.*  We’ve all been there!]

I’m happy to say as I write this, that I’ve got two kids, twelve and seven, who not only have the full content of their freedom and dignity, but are so great to be around that not only do I enjoy them immensely myself, but I can bring them just about anywhere and most everyone else will agree.

When they were small, my own discomfort showed me everything I needed to know.  I learned it was more fun for me to NOT bring my boy toddler to long, quiet gatherings.  He genuinely needed to move his body and rustle about, as opposed to his big sister who had, for years, accompanied me and had happily sat for hours without a peep, simply coloring while eating parmesan cheese shreds one by one.  Here were two totally different sets of possibilities within the same exact gene pool… and how extraordinary!

These kids keep us not only on our toes, but rooted in our centers.  They help us be our own very best selves, as we help them to be theirs.  What more precious gift can one human give to another than this?

Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment box below…

Have a good week, Kheyala

Kheyala Rasa  Intuitive Spiritual Guidance

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Nice blog, today. It's so important to retain control of ourselves so we can teach our children how to parent; using dignity, appropriate freedoms and responsibilities, and using very clear expectations of ourselves and others! Good job figuring that out before you had child tyrants in your home :D