by Jill on Dec 16th 2009 3 comments
In his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey enjoins us to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
As hard as this may be to remember to do with other adults sometimes, I find it even harder to remember to do with my son.
Recently I got my son and his stepbrother reading and math workbooks based on movie characters. My son got a Cars (as in the Disney movie) workbook for Chanukah, while his stepbrother got a Spiderman workbook. My son wailed and hollered for days…”It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why did you give him that?”
I explained that I knew Canaan (my son, and that’s his new chosen spelling of his name) liked Cars, so I got him that, and I knew Taebin (his stepbrother) liked Spiderman so I got him that. Completely logical. Meanwhile I was kicking myself for not remembering to get them identical gifts.
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by Shelly on Dec 8th 2009 5 comments
Young people are discovering their world and constantly coming up with strategies 
to meet their needs. Sometimes these strategies cause pain and upset in others and are experienced as destructive.
The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting. Older kids often use their words to destructive means. And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous. But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?
Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child. When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions. After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.
When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom. Ouch! I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back. But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me. I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter). And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained. So we tried another strategy–redirection. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Nov 30th 2009 2 comments
Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.
However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.
The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.
And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?
I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.
This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”
When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!
Warmly,
Jill
by Shelly on Nov 18th 2009 1 comment
When I worked in Montessori schools I was consistently amazed at how happy, engaged, and capable the kids in my class were. This got me thinking, “If kids can be this self-sufficient and joyful in a classroom, then why not at home too?!” I’ve noticed that young people often feel frustration at living in a an adult-centered world. I can remember feeling irritated about not being able to see over the counter, or out the car window (before the advent of booster seats).
Although young people make up a significant portion of our population, they don’t pay the bills, so they usually aren’t catered to in the way that adults are. Most furniture is not built to accommodate them. There are often no stools provided where needed, especially in public.
Even going to the bathroom in a public restroom and washing one’s hands can be quite difficult for a person with a small body. Doors are large and too heavy; tools are too big for their hands… I think you get the idea.
So if there’s a place where a child can find solace from these frustrations, I hope it will be their home. I would be inspired to live in a world where a child’s home is a place where she can reach the counter top, make herself a snack, and take care of her personal hygiene easily. I’ve found that when young people are given the tools they need to be able to have these freedoms, they are more peaceful and often much more responsible. Trusting young people to care for themselves and giving them the necessary tools to do so, fosters a sense of self-care, self approval and healthy pride. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Nov 11th 2009 9 comments
We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.
Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!
This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.
Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of. And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.
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by Shelly on Nov 4th 2009 4 comments
I’ve talked a lot here about giving kids attention but I haven’t yet shared about the art of conscious ignoring. Well, I really do think there’s a time and place for everything and ignoring your kids can sometimes be the best choice in a given moment.
For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead. By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.
Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention. So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.
Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out. What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to. My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better. Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Oct 22nd 2009 2 comments
I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.
One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.” Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Oct 14th 2009 7 comments
The goddess Kali
OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.
As a young child I was terrified of anger. I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents. My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce. So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it. You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.
Everything seemed to go smoothly as I grew up, I focused on the positive, shoved my anger down and put on a happy face. And people seemed to like it. I was pleasant to be around, made friends easily, and got lots and lots of positive feedback.
Fast-forward twenty years… Read the rest of this entry »
by Jill on Oct 8th 2009 7 comments
I want to appreciate you, just for being the parent you are.
Will you join me?
Would you please take a moment…even a fraction of a
second…right now…and appreciate yourself as a parent?
Seriously.
How often do we take time–even a nanosecond–to appreciate not what we’re doing, but simply that we are being the grown-up in this little person or these little people’s lives?
Just the fact of our existence and presence means they get to have a sense of themselves in the world as someone important, someone loved, someone special.
We are that gift!
No matter what human frailties we have exhibited, what things we’ve said or done that weren’t as we wished…we are here. And they are right where they are because we brought them into our lives.
So I say to you today: Well done, parents!
And if we do want to take it a step further… Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Sep 30th 2009 6 comments
The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!” Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?” And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”
Wow, can I relate. I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.” And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no. If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to. For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.
On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son. I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.” How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?
When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old. By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.
So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging. Read the rest of this entry »
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