by Shelly on May 5th 2010 No comments yet
We’ve all been there, it’s time to leave, your child wants to stay and continue to play, you’re tired and ready to go, a conflict is brewing. How we handle these difficult moments can be the difference between a fantastic day and a really rough one. And really, either one is available to us in a given moment, we just have to be able to access enough creativity to create the fun, laughter filled connection we’re wanting, rather than falling into a negativity trap.
I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative. Well, that’s where I come in. I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes. Sound good?
So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.
1) Turn it into a game- Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead. Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them. Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling. And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even fin YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.
2) Go for the giggle- What do your kids find hilarious? Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down? It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing. But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it! Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions. Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on. After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Apr 28th 2010 6 comments
When I was about three years old I developed a fear of the dark. I can remember being terrified in complete darkness and feeling so comforted by a nightlight or a hall light left on with my bedroom door left open. I don’t remember what precipitated the fear, but I do remember it was real and I really appreciated it when my parents responded compassionately.
Every time they left a nightlight on for me or left the door cracked with the hall light on, I felt loved, cared for, and reassured. Somehow because my fears were addressed attentively, I knew that I was important to my parents and an integral part of my family. We created a bedtime routine that was a safe haven from my fears and helped me look forward to sleeping, rather than being fearful or cranky about it.
I can’t imagine how devastated I would have been if my parents had ignored my fear or somehow invalidated it with phrases like, “Oh, you’re fine, don’t worry about it.” Instead, we created these little nighttime rituals that put me at ease and helped me relax to sleep easily.
I think nighttime rituals are a very important way to establish comfort, predictability, and consistency for children. And when young people have the consistency they need in order to relax themselves to sleep, they fall sleep faster, sleep better and longer and enjoy bedtime much more.
Do you currently have a nighttime ritual that works well? Is it time for an upgrade? Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Apr 21st 2010 1 comment
When I discovered “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman my world was turned upside down…in a good way. Chapman’s theory is that there are five primary love languages and that each of us tends to have one language we give and receive love in the most often and the most easily. He says that often people are trying to express love, but those efforts are not getting received as love by the other person. This struck a chord for me particularly in my relationship with my dad.
After learning more about these five languages, I began to realize that although I had spent much of my life thinking that my dad didn’t love me as deeply as I wanted him to, in reality, he’d been loving me all along, I just hadn’t recognized his efforts as love!
Because my primary love languages match up well with my Mom’s (physical touch and quality time), it was easy for me to feel loved by her. We often shared hugs, snuggled on the couch, and hung out talking. But since my dad’s primary love language is acts of service, I hadn’t been receiving his love as easily. For me, doing a project together just didn’t feel like love.
When I realized this I began to look back at my relationship with my dad through the years and I started to recognize all the hundreds of times my dad was showing me love and I hadn’t received it. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Apr 14th 2010 6 comments
It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own. It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen. But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?
When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl. They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath. Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.
Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop. They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall. Amazing, right?! Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Apr 7th 2010 6 comments
Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender. You have to be. If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly! Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is. Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins. But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already. I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed. And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.
As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.
I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth. As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.” Boy am I grateful for that CD! Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa! You’re ONLY 5 months? You’re HUGE!” But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.
And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth. No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next. And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.
What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years! Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.
Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 31st 2010 1 comment
It’s easy to get into a pattern of saying things like, “Stop!”, “No!” or “Don’t do that” with kids. They’re constantly experimenting with both the physical world and with social boundaries. As a result they have a tendency to do things we don’t approve of or enjoy at least some of the time (and often a LOT of the time).
How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time. Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it. So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”
When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior. Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.
So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people. Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”
Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want. When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things. But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject. Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 25th 2010 No comments yet
If you’re noticing that your kids are having a difficult time cooperating or listening or generally following your lead, first let me remind you, you’re not alone. Lots of parents go through this difficulty every day. I know it can be super frustrating when you’re just trying to get things done, or get to the store, or follow the rules, and your child is fighting you every step of the way.
One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge. Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time. There are several ways you can do this.
First, let your child know that for the next 10 minutes, they get to be in charge, they’re the boss, the parent, or the king or queen of your home. Tell them that as long as the activities they choose are safe, you’ll follow their lead.
You can try playing follow the leader and allow the youngest child in your household to be the leader. Follow along as if you’re completely entranced by the activities your child is doing and encourage any other siblings to play too. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in the life of a young child when they get this time to be in charge, tell people what to do, and watch them do the silly things they’ve thought up.
If you think about it, young people get so little of this kind of play time, they’re starving for some king or queen time. Kids are constantly told where to be, what to wear, how to act, and to “hurry up”. Imagine how good it feels to them when they get to be the ones in charge, bossing us around for a change. They love it!
For more games you can play that your kids will love and that will encourage their sense of power and control over their lives Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 17th 2010 No comments yet
Everybody gets upset and angry sometimes and when I was young I thought that having someone near me who was angry was just about the worst thing ever. But now that I’ve grown up and gotten in touch with my own anger, I actually think there are some really great benefits of anger! You can check out my blog: The upside of anger for more details about that.
Recently in my coaching, several parents have shared their guilt over getting angry in front of their kids. I totally get it. It’s hard to keep our cool when we’re feeling really frustrated, but after we lose it, we feel guilty and concerned that we may have somehow damaged our kids. For starters let me say, you’re not doing any long term damage to your kids if you lose your temper once in a while. Kids are very resilient and amazingly able to let things go. But if this is a challenge you struggle with often, I’ve got some thoughts and ideas to help you manage your anger in a more healthy way. You can also teach your kids some of these techniques so that everyone in your family is practicing healthy expressions of anger.
The first rule of expressing anger in a healthy way is to stop directing your anger AT people. When we direct our upset at other people, we’re blaming them for our feelings. But from the perspective of Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication, we know that our feelings are caused by our own unmet needs, not by the actions of others. When we can stop blaming others and begin to take responsibility for our own emotional experience, it can be one of the most empowering experiences in life.
And just think, once you’re able to manage your own anger in a more healthy way, you can begin to teach your kids to do the very same thing! So, what can you do with your anger and frustration without directing it at other people? Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 10th 2010 3 comments
The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.
This game can be modified for ages 1-7. For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket. Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again. The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.
As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.
So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored. You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?” You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child. “Great! Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?” When they’ve brought it, “Thanks! Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book? The one about the white mitten?” Read the rest of this entry »
by Shelly on Mar 3rd 2010 3 comments
Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today. I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time. Sound familiar? Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.
So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys? I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here. We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed. So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate. Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.
But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists. You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on. And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.
What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting? And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it? I think empathy is a key here. When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked. I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.
It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like. But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening. When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly. And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier. Read the rest of this entry »
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