How have you seen vestibular stimulation benefit your kids and family?

In the Montessori classroom we always had an open and close activity that the kids would gravitate toward, so I knew my daughter would enjoy learning to open and close things. But I had no idea just how MUCH she would enjoy it! We currently have an Open/Close activity in my office and every time my office door is open, my daughter makes a bee-line to it, takes the objects out of the box and begins to open and close them again and again and again.

Here’s a video I took last week…

My 13mo. old daughter doing her open/close activity from Shelly on Vimeo.

One of the great things about this activity is that it can grow with your child. Right now I have a couple of small metal tins, a small jar with a lid, and a plastic container with an attached lid in the activity for my 13 month old. But when she’s 3 years old, we’ll have a coin purse with a zipper, a box with a latch, and some other more challenging items.

Even if your child is 7 or 8 years old, you can find fun things to put in an open/close activity. Most 8 year olds I know LOVE figuring out how to lock and unlock padlocks or even the front door of their house. Of course you’ll have to decide what you’re comfortable with.  Learning to open and close plastic baggies and food containers can be a fun challenge too.  Remember diaries with locks?

So, the next time you get annoyed that your little one is emptying your purse out on the floor of the restaurant, remember, he’s just trying to learn about opening, closing, and containment. Oh, and he’s probably also looking for a toy or a treat too and I’m guessing he’ll find one!

Consider creating an open/close activity to keep at home, or a portable one for when you’re out and about. You can offer a lunch box filled with containers or an old purse you’re willing to give to your child. Begin collecting small items that have unique and interesting closures.

Once you have a few items compiled, arrange them in a basket or box and display the activity in an accessible location. When your child shows interest in the new “work,” sit down together and demonstrate opening and closing each item before allowing her to explore the activity on her own.

For added interest for your older child, include a small car, animal, doll, or action figure inside each container. For your reader, label the containers and invite your child to put the appropriate item back into the container when he’s finished playing.

We are having so much fun at our house with our open and close activity. I would love to hear about your experience with this fun work! Please share a comment below. And have a great week! Warmly, Shelly

At Montessori school, we used the swings to help kids focus at least several times a week. I even activate my own vestibular system by doing somersaults whenever I’m feeling socially anxious. (So if we’re at a party together and I sneak into a back hallway for a moment, you know what I’m up to.) The thing is, it really works! After a few forward rolls, I feel so much happier and better able to engage and be social. If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to try it for yourself.

But I’m not writing this to help adults with their social anxiety, rather, I want young people who get labeled as “out of control” or informally called “adhd” to have solutions to anxiety, aggressiveness, or lack of focus that are easy, fun, and free of negative side effects. So, the next time you see your kids spinning in circles, remember that they’re self-regulating and it’s really good for their brains. Plus, it’s just fun and it feels good to spin around in circles!

For months now my daughter has enjoyed shaking her head back and forth. She’ll shake her head and then look up and smile. I usually join her just because it’s fun, but now I’m remembering that shaking our heads or moving our heads through space in other ways is actually crucial to brain health and wellbeing. The vestibular system needs input!

And, now that we humans spend less time running through the forest and more time sitting in front of screens, it’s even more important that we consciously choose to activate those systems.

So, your homework this week is to dance, wiggle, spin, jump, cartwheel, and swing with your kids. It’s good for everybody’s brain and it’s a great strategy to teach your child for times when he’s feeling worried, bored, or disconnected.

Have a fabulous week! Warmly, Shelly

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule.  But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school.  If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life.  They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain.  Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting.  With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving.  It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention.  Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme.  You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box.  Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else.  Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids.  Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre!  As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories.  Please leave me a comment!  And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday.  If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiredlady and scroll down to the show called “Excuse me but this is my child”

But attunement is not simply empathy for another person’s emotional experience.  It’s an energetic matching game.  We may feel the sadness, but we’re not really attuning unless we’re matching the physical and non-physical energy of the person we’re with.  Attunement is the ultimate connection.  It’s a joining and sharing of an experience, an experience of oneness.

I often feel this oneness while nursing my daughter or in playful moments when she’s on the changing table or when we’re rocking in the rocking chair and she relaxes, resting her whole body against mine.  Connection through attunement is incredibly important for secure attachment to happen.  And, the oneness can’t happen all the time.  In fact, it would feel awfully strange to even attempt to experience attunement for an entire day.

We need connection, and we need separation too.  In fact, it’s the dance between connection and separation that makes our human experience so rich and dynamic.  We may experience a beautiful moment of attunement and later we’ll each go off by ourselves to have some solitude.  It’s an ebb and flow like so many other things in life.  And each part is just as important as the other.

Right now I’m reading a really interesting novel told from a five-year-old boy’s point of view.  The thing I find so fascinating about it is how accurate the author is about the details of the thoughts and emotions the little boy experiences.  The boy has a favorite spoon he calls “meltedy spoon” and when I read the words “meltedy spoon” I am instantly transported back into the classroom with 3-5 year olds.  What a perfect example of really attuning to the mind of a five year old.

This week, pay special attention to the moments of attunement that you share with your child and then consciously allow your child to separate from you when he’s ready.

Instead of hovering over him at the park, intruding on his playtime, bring a book and let him have his own experience.  Then, after an especially fun moment, he might just run over to you and excitedly share what happened.  That’s your opportunity to put the book down, make eye contact, feel the excitement in your own body and attune with him.  Maybe you’ll even be inspired to jump up and run around with him for a while.

But again, as soon as you notice him going off on his own, resist any urge you might have to follow, and go back to your book instead.  By allowing your child to determine the length of the cycle between attunement and separation, you’re reassuring him that you’re available when he needs you, but you’re not going to interrupt his flow.

If, on the other hand, your tendency is to encourage your child to play on her own more often so that you can do your adult activities, then your challenge this week is to really stop, drop what you’re doing, and attune to your child when she reaches out for connection.  Remember, that means matching her energy.  So, if she’s slow and methodical, you’ll practice slowing down too.  And if she’s giggling and gasping for breath, see how much you can feel what that must feel like.  Pay attention to any sensations in your body as you practice attuning with your children.  Often, we can find new levels of empathy when we’re willing to try to step into our children’s shoes more fully.

I would love to hear about your own experiences of attunement and separation.  Is the natural ebb and flow easy or difficult for you?  Does your timing match up with your child’s?  And how do you feel when you notice your child coming toward you or moving away from you?

I hope you’ll all have a fantastic week, Shelly

“Do your parents ever text?” she asked.  The children nodded wildly and raised their hands to speak.  One little boy talked about how his mom was “always texting, texting, texting.”  Another child shared how she hates it when her mom takes phone calls instead of playing with her.  One child shouted, “I wish phones were never invented!” And another little girl talked about how she sometimes plays with six or seven toys at once because she likes to “multi-task” just like her Daddy.  Whoa.

The parents in the next room were a little bit shocked at how strongly the kids felt and ultimately shared that they felt embarrassed that they had prioritized their phones above their children in many instances.  One of the parents was perplexed though, because apparently her job requires that she be available and on call.  She wondered how she could be on call and still let her child know that he’s important to her.

I don’t have any answers for that particular parent, but the show got me thinking.  How much do we really NEED to be at the beck and call of our electronic devices, and how much have we unconsciously fallen into the trap of our shiny, fun toys?  And, considering that our children learn by imitating us, how much do we want our kids staring at screens and pushing buttons to communicate with friends, co-workers, and family members that are hundreds or thousands of miles away?

That doesn’t even begin to cover the amount of time we spend surfing the net, and watching videos online, let alone hours of television viewing.  We live in a modern technological world that is almost completely unlike anything previous generations have experienced.  So, now that we’re here, how will we prioritize our time, energy, and other resources so that our children know that they are treasured and that electronic devices, while useful, are not the most important parts of our lives.

At our house we’re doing our best to follow the guidelines that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends for screen time which is to discourage screen time for children under 2 years and no more than 1-2 hours per day for children over two.   In fact, we’re trying to keep our daughter away from screens altogether for at least her first two years of life.

As soon as my husband and I agreed to our no screen policy for our little one I began to notice just how many screens I have in my life and how often they are on!   As I’m writing this, my daughter has woken up from her nap, and is listening to music in her room while I’m on the computer.  And now the phone is ringing, but I think I’ll let it go to voicemail.   We have even set up a visual barrier in our living room so that my husband can watch football but our daughter can’t see the screen.  Mostly I think we should just turn off the TV (although that’s much easier said than done).  It can’t be much better for us than it is for her, right?!

Your challenge this week is to take stock of the screens in your life and really consider which ones are necessary and when and how much you will use them.  I recommend setting aside daily playtime with your child that is a no screen and no phone calls or texting time.  Let your child know that he is cherished by getting down on the floor to play and by  giving him your complete and undivided attention.

I would love to hear all about your own experiences with technology and how to co-exist with it intentionally.  Have a wonderful week, Shelly

This sensitive period for order can be challenging, but there’s no fighting against human development, and if you think about it, you wouldn’t want to anyway.  This is actually the perfect time to teach your child how to put away toys, straighten her room, and help out in the kitchen.  But in order to capitalize on your child’s innate desire to learn and this sensitive period for order heed this advice:  Attention to detail is the key to getting the most cooperation from your child during this time.

Let me illustrate further; Paying attention to minute details and showing your child all the tiny steps involved in tidying, cleaning, and putting things away create more interest and better results.  For instance, if you would like to teach your three year old to fold and put away his socks follow these steps slowly, carefully, and methodically (and wait until you have your child’s attention before moving on to the next step):

1)     Take newly dried clothes out of the dryer while they’re still warm

2)    Put them in a pile on the bed and invite your child to feel the warmth and play in the pile a little bit.

3)    Ask your child if he would like to play a sock folding game.  If yes, continue, if no, try another time.

4)   Ask your child to help you find two matching socks.

5)    Put every ounce of your attention on the pair of socks, turning them, feeling them, noticing the details and the way they feel in your hands.

6)    Examine the toe of the socks and show your child the sewn ends of the socks.

7)    Examine the hole of the socks and show your child how you can put your fingers inside the hole.

8)    Determine whether the socks are inside out or not.

9)    Slowly right any sock that is inside out, showing your child exactly what you are doing.

10) Place one sock carefully on the bed in an area clear of other laundry and with the toe to the right.

11)    Place the matching sock on top of the first sock.

12)  Fold the stacked socks in half lifting the cuffs and laying them on top of the toes.

13)  Put your right hand inside the fold with your thumbs inside the top sock

14) Use your left hand to stretch the top of the sock over the top of the other sock.

15)  Regard your work.

16)  Repeat until all socks are folded (remember to remain slow and methodical in your movements).

17)  Place the folded socks in a neat pile.

18)  Carry the folded socks to the dresser and put them on top.

19)  Open the drawer and place the socks inside one pair at a time with care and deliberation.

20)  Carefully close the drawer and smile at a job well done

21)  Let your child try and offer no further guidance, just continue to demonstrate silently.

As you can see, the “simple” act of folding and putting away one’s socks can be a challenging muti-step process for a young person.  But if you are willing to take the time to teach your child these types of skills now, you will undoubtedly reap the rewards later.  Be careful not to expect your child to put away her socks every time from now on though.  The more freedom your child has to express her newfound love of order, the more it will emerge and grow.  On the other hand, if your child feels forced into a greater sense of order than has naturally developed, she is likely to rebel.

I hope this was helpful and I welcome your comments, stories, and questions.  Please leave me a comment!  And have a wonderful week, Shelly

The older I get, the more I try to be like my mom in that moment.  Not the checked out staring off into nothingness part (although that’s kinda nice sometimes), but the part of her that is able just to sit, and contemplate life, and enjoy the present moment.  The more years I get under my belt, the more I appreciate just being.  And the less I think that it’s the “doing” that will define me in other people’s minds (or in their memory of me once I’m gone).  Not that doing is a bad thing; in fact I quite like doing things.  But remembering just to be; And to be peaceful and joyful as I go about my daily life.

This is a foreign concept to kids, or at least it was to me as a kid.  I just wanted to learn new things and grow and reach out in every way I could.  To just sit and breathe was the last thing on my mind.  You see, the thing is, kids are busy bodies.  I’m not sure exactly what it is about being young that makes us want to figure everything out as quickly as possible, or even gives us the notion that anything ultimately CAN be figured out.  But regardless of what drives them, young people are notoriously busy “getting into things”.

As an adult sharing my home with a child, I see it as my job to provide wonderfully rich opportunities for learning and making those activities as safe, easy to access, and perfectly challenging for each child’s unique level of development as I can.  Because in a well prepared environment, being a busy body can be a great thing.  And, if we prepare the environment well enough, our kids will hardly need to bother us at all as they go about the business of learning, which doesn’t mean they actually won’t bother us, it just means they’ll do it because they want to, instead of because they need us to get their markers or a measuring cup down for them.  But for at least some of the time, we can simply sit and breathe and do a whole lot of nothing.

After all, isn’t being a peaceful, relaxed, and happy human the most challenging thing to learn of all?  I’ll write more about preparing your home for children’s autonomy in future blogs.  But for now, I’ll just say, lets figure out ways to let our kids be the busy bodies that they naturally are in positive ways while we practice just sitting and being still once in a while.  Now that’s what I’d call perfectly challenging for everyone!

Have a great week and please let me know how it’s going by leaving a comment below.

Thanks, Shelly

My daughter has Erb’s palsy brought on by her shoulder dystocia during birth.  At first I didn’t notice anything wrong, and since most babies heal on their own without any intervention, I just assumed she would too.   She did seem to prefer to use her right arm and hand, but I didn’t know that wasn’t normal.

We have a wonderful pediatric physical therapist who is teaching me all about arm, shoulder and hand development in infants.  She’s taught me that at three months old, Julia shouldn’t have a handedness or preference for one side over the other.  So, I started paying closer attention to the specific movements we’re looking for and truly comparing her arm and hand development on the left with the development of the right.  Much to my amazement there are differences that had gone unnoticed by me in the past.  Although she’s starting to use her left arm more and more, she does raise her right arm above her head more often than she does with her left.

So, what does this have to do with you and with parenting in general?  My point is that if we’re not paying close attention to the physical, emotional, and social development of our kids, things can slip through the cracks unnoticed.  We have to take the time to actually pay attention to where kids are developmentally in order to know that they’re on track and, more importantly, in order to know how to challenge and encourage them to develop further.

Luckily, children are born with an innate desire to learn and grow, so even if we’re not paying attention, most kids will continue to develop.  But if you’re reading this, then you want to help your child in every way you can so that he can reach his full potential.  In order to do that, you’ve got to know where your child is at and what the next steps of development are.

If your child is acting out with tantrums, biting, hitting, or in some other way, observation is a key to making a change.  When you know exactly how she looks just before she bites, or you notice him getting more and more agitated as the day goes on and every evening he has a tantrum, you can start to head these things off at the pass.

And if you’re not having those kinds of challenges, but just want to support your child to achieve the next developmental milestone or learn the next thing that interests her, again observation will give you new information that will let you know how to intervene or what you might introduce next.

So, what exactly to I mean by “observation”?  I mean watching your child, noticing his preferences and interests, being aware of his abilities, knowing what’s easy for him and what’s difficult for him.  When we observe a child, we’re not intervening or interrupting, we’re simply watching quietly and taking note (or maybe literally taking notes) about the areas of learning or development that interest us.

We’re also not making judgments or evaluations; we’re just noticing what’s so.  Rather than thinking something like, “Joey hates to use his spoon.” A true observation might be more like, “Joey seems to prefer using his fingers to eat, he gets frustrated when he tries to use his spoon and often throws it down.”  Try to make your observations as scientific, accurate, and free of judgment as possible.  This can be tricky, judgments seem to sneak in when we least expect them.  So, be patient with yourself as you learn this new skill.

As an assistant teacher in a Montessori classroom a huge part of my job was to observe the children and report to the head teacher what I had noticed.  Together, the head teacher and I would come up with strategies to introduce the next opportunity for growth and development.  Sometimes it was a new lesson with a Montessori learning material, but other times it was a social milestone we wanted to encourage, so we would come up with strategies to help kids learn to share, or work as a team, or resolve their conflicts.

At home with your family you might notice things like conflict between family members, or a child’s desire to learn to cook.  You might suddenly realize that the baby is hungry or tired at a time when you didn’t expect it.  When you notice these things you can address them proactively by coming up with a plan and implementing it.  But if you never noticed, then there’s nothing you can do to help foster the rest, peace, or new skill you might want to support.

This week take some time to sit and quietly watch your kids.  Take notes about what you’re observing.  What’s happening?  What are your child’s strengths and challenges?  And consider what opportunities you might have to help your child in a new way, now that you’ve taken the time to observe exactly where she’s at right now.

Please leave any questions or share a story in the comment box below.  Thanks!

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

How we handle these moments can make a huge impact on a child and on what they’ll choose to do the next time.  Because their subconscious mind is actually more developed than their conscious mind, kids have a hard time hearing negatives. Instead, they tend to focus on the real content of what we’re saying, rather than the positive or negative we’ve tacked on to it.  So for instance, when we say, “Don’t pee in your pants” kids hear “Pee in your pants” and when we say “Stop hitting your brother” kids hear “Hit your brother.”

When we realize that kids hear and understand differently than adults do, it’s much easier to have compassion for their behavior.  Often times, they’re not consciously intending to be defiant, they simply aren’t processing all of what we’re saying and they’re compelled to do the very thing that we’re putting so much energy and attention toward.

So while we try to focus on the positive in our everyday lives, it’s all the more crucial that we do so with young people.  Rather than, “Don’t fall” try saying, “Be careful” or “Watch your step” and instead of “Stop hitting” try “Remember to be kind to others” or “Let’s use our hands for loving kindness.”

Children respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement of the behaviors we most want.  When we can remember to let them know that we appreciate and enjoy what they’re doing, kids are easily able to do even more of those things.  But when we forget and begin to tell them about all the things they do that frustrate and upset us, young people are compelled to do more of those things, simply because that’s where the focus and attention is. If you want to find out more about the power of your attention, check out my former blog on just that subject.

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t address big instances of behavior that concerns you.  You certainly can talk to your child about hitting, lying or other behaviors that don’t work for you.  Just remember to put a positive spin on things, letting your child know exactly what he or she can do in the future that you will enjoy and appreciate.  And then, be sure to notice those efforts and offer some positive feedback.  “Wow, I see you’ve cleaned up that milk you spilled without me even asking!  Thank you so much!”

You can absolutely talk with your child about your concerns about her lying, letting her know that you’re worried and you really want to be able to believe her and trust that she’s telling you the truth.  Just remember to put more emphasis on what you want than on what you didn’t enjoy.  And be sure to really let her know that you appreciate her efforts when you do notice a change in behavior.

One more note about lying, the earlier you can catch it and the more levity you can have about it, the more likely your child is to give it up.  So, rather than having a stern conversation about a little white lie, you might choose to joke with her, saying, “Are you SURE that dog was purple?  I don’t know, I think it might have been green.”  Try your best to save the stern conversations for the lies that deeply concern you and then be sure to tell her exactly how she can rebuild any trust that was damaged.

A few more examples of ways you can turn things around:

Instead of “Stop fighting with your brother!”, try “Remember loving kindness” or at a time when your kids are getting along great, “Wow, I love it when you two take such good care of each other.”

Instead of “No grabbing!” try, “Hmmm, let’s practice sharing…what can I share with you?  What can you share with your sister?”

Instead of “Don’t fall!” or “You’re going to hurt yourself!” try, “Listen your body and take good care of yourself, I trust you.”

I hope these examples are helpful for you and I’d love to hear about your own experiences of focusing on what you DO want.  How is it working for you?  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly