Today I want to share something I learned from NLP (otherwise known as neuro-linguistic programming) called a “state change”.  We’re always in some sort of emotional state, whether happy, sad, excited, or frustrated.  And often it feels like we’re at the whim of our emotions.  When I’m frustrated it seems like there is no way to transform the frustration into something else.  But there is!  We can consciously create a “state change” in ourselves and often in others, pretty much any time we want!

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

What’s it like to be a 2-4 year old? (an excerpt from my soon to be released ebook!)

As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you.  He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents.  In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so.  Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth!  When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.

Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language.  He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”.  Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”.  Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own!  Wow, what an exciting discovery.

A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice

Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power.  She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation.  Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home.  This is a huge step in social development.  She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own.  And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us.  Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!

If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal.  Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before.  Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.

Easier said than done, right?  But you can do it, with some support, clear goals, and very rigid consistency (just for now) you’ll have a little helper around the house before you know it.  This will end up meeting your own needs for contribution and order while meeting her needs for autonomy and responsibility.  (end of excerpt)

As you can imagine, it’s incredibly frustrating for your child to be developing such a strong will at the same time as he is unable to verbalize what’s happening for him.  So, as a parent of a child in this age group, your biggest challenge is to meet your child with compassion, understanding, and lots and lots of patience.

Because although your child is understanding a whole new level of complexity of social dynamics, any time we learn any new skill, we can understand lots more than we can effectively express.  Hence the tantrums you are bound to experience with this age group.  You can see some ideas about how to handle tantrums lovingly at my blog on that topic: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/how-to-handle-tantrums/

Please share a story or comment about your own experiences you’re your child’s development of will and what happened in your family as a result.

Have a fantastic week!

It seems like just about the time we feel we’ve given all we can and we need some “me time” kids suddenly need even more from us.  We can become frustrated and resentful and begin to give out of obligation or guilt, rather than giving from true generosity.  If that’s what’s happening for you, my invitation for this week is to take a break, stop giving for a moment, and reset.

See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.

On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family.  With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.

But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be.  Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:

Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself?  Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time?  If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself.  When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids.

Step 2- Goal setting and values identification. Think about the values and qualities that are most important to you.  Is kindness and cooperation at the top of your list?  Or do you prefer independence and self-direction?  Do you want your children to love and care for each other or just to stop hitting one another?  By setting some goals and identifying your highest values you can begin to create a plan of action.

Step 3- Model the behavior you want. This is the most challenging step by far, but if you are committed to creating the kind of culture in your home that you most want, it all starts with you.  When you get frustrated, angry, whiney, and irritable, you’re teaching your kids the very behaviors that you don’t enjoy.  So, this week, practice whining and venting with a friend during naptime, instead of in front of your kids.  And when you’re with your kids, practice generosity, kindness, or whatever qualities embody your highest values.

Step 4- Give positive feedback when you notice your kids embodying your highest values. This week, encourage your kids to give help and support to one another and to their friends then share with them about how happy, excited, and joyful you feel when you see them sharing and cooperating.  Let older children know how grateful you feel when you seem them treating younger siblings with kindness and care.  By noticing the things you WANT, you’re encouraging even more of those things to happen every day.

I’ve seen families turn sibling conflict into cooperation and kindness in a matter of weeks using these steps.  I hope they’re helpful for you and I would love to hear about your experiences in actively creating the culture of your home.  Please share a question or comment below.

Have a fantastic week!  Warmly, Shelly

In my parenting coaching I get a lot of questions from parents about how to discipline effectively and what to do instead of time-outs, spanking, yelling and other common discipline tactics.

When I think about the word “discipline” I think it sets up a disconnecting power dynamic where I’m in charge all of the time and the kids in my life must do what I say, or “behave”, and submit to my dominance.

On the other hand, without any “discipline” I imagine complete chaos and no sense of leadership.  So, instead of discipline, I like to talk about setting boundaries.

We all need boundaries whether with ourselves, our parents, children, employers or employees.  It’s healthy to have and keep clear boundaries, but somehow, many of us have never learned to recognize, implement, and maintain healthy boundaries.

I just read the novel “The Undomestic Goddess” by Sophie Kinsella.  It was a fun read but what struck me the most about it was how few boundaries the main character had at the beginning of the book.  Samantha was a high-powered lawyer at a leading law firm.  She was going for partner and as a result, she was available to her law firm 24/7.  No kidding.  The woman couldn’t even put her blackberry down for an hour to get a massage!  She was the epitome of someone without any healthy boundaries and without a life of her own.  Instead, she was completely owned by her law firm!

Do you ever feel owned by your kids and family?  Have you forgotten to set boundaries and maintain a healthy sense of self?  Well this week it’s time to turn it around.  Take a moment right now to make a list of the times in the past week or so when your boundaries were crossed.  These could be moments when you felt helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, or trapped.  List at least 3-5 moments right now…

OK, now take a look at your list.  What were the boundaries that got crossed?  What needs of yours weren’t being met during the incident?  What is a possible solution that would clearly express your boundary?  Often, when we’re not in the habit of expressing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we may not even know what the boundaries are until they’ve been trampled on.  Here’s an example of two incidents including boundaries, unmet needs, and possible solutions from my own experience with kids:

Incident:  When Derek (7yo) said to me, “You’re so mean, I hate it when you come to our house!”

Boundary: Hurtful communication is not acceptable

Unmet needs: respect and kindness

Solution: Tell Derek, “You may not speak to me that way, I hear that you’re frustrated, but next time you can say, ‘I’m frustrated’ instead of ‘You’re mean and I hate it when you come over’.  Now I need some space because I’m feeling sad and hurt by what you said.  Please go in the other room for five minutes so I can take care of myself.”

Incident:  Seth (18mo.) throws food from his highchair

Boundary:  Cleaning up other people’s messes is not OK with me

Unmet needs:  order, cleanliness, freedom

Solution:  Tell Seth, “It’s not OK to throw food, when you throw your food it tells me that you’re finished eating.”  Take away the rest of Seth’s food.  “Now it’s time to clean up the mess you made.  Here’s a bowl, please collect the food from the floor and put it into this bowl so we can throw it away.”  Stay nearby and watch to be sure Seth gets all of the food.

In each of these examples I was able to set a clear boundary and stick to it.  And in each case, the young person involved conformed to my boundary.  That’s not to say that they didn’t resist, but when I was clear and consistent with the boundaries, they eventually got into alignment with me.

One of the most important aspects of setting clear boundaries with kids is that we maintain composure during the interaction.  If we’re too angry, upset, hurt, or punitive, then our boundaries just feel like punishments.  But when you can maintain your calm and be clear and consistent without freaking out, kids will often become much more cooperative and able to respect your boundaries.

Have some more questions about setting healthy boundaries with your kids?  Please leave a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

Parenting is a wonderful, but challenging, journey. No instruction manuals, no definitive “right” or “wrong” methods. And, of course, each child is different!

But for one special weekend (May 25-27) you can give yourself a break… while getting your parenting questions answered, brainstorming solutions and learning tips and techniques that work for today’s kids – toddlers to teens.

You can access all of the live workshops at this online parenting retreat at no charge! Click here to view more details

You will be able to participate online in over twenty interactive workshops given by professional parenting coaches, educators, and counselors. And if you have to miss any sessions, we’ve thought of that too…

…When you purchase a ticket, you’ll get audio recordings of *every single session*!

(There’s even a Spa Products giveaway for 35 lucky registrants – just so it will really feel like a weekend conference “getaway”.)

Tickets are just $77 from now until May 22^nd for the early-bird special. Then the price goes back to $97.  AFTER the retreat, the entire package will be available for purchase for $197, which is still a TREMENDOUS BARGAIN for 35 quality workshops and bonuses!!!

And remember, you can attend the live workshops for FREE.  You only pay if you want recordings of the sessions.

What sort of parenting issues will you be able to address?  Top parenting experts – each of whom has invested years of dedicated study in the field – will be there to share their wisdom about:

*Raising a confident and happy child able to be resilient to life’s challenges.

*Coping positively but effectively with disrespectful behavior and sassy attitudes.

*How to set your child up to make wise decisions and avoid dangerous behaviors.

*How to balance work and family – while still keeping your sanity!

*How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums–at any age—with me, Shelly Phillips!

I sure hope you’ll join me on May 25^th at 7pm Pacific time for my “How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums at any age” seminar.

Warm hugs, Shelly

Isn’t it amazing what kids find funny?  I’ve been surprised more than once by what seems hilarious to a 2, 4 or 6 year old.  And then I remember, their sense of humor is just developing.  Kids this age have a challenging time understanding word play and innuendo, but they do know that burps, farts, and poop are some of the funniest things around.

I’m guessing you’ve especially had an opportunity to witness this phenomena if you have a little boy but some little girls love potty talk too.  Suddenly “poopy butt” or “potty head” is their new favorite nickname for everyone.

So, what to do?  Well, first of all, recognizing that this is a normal stage of development can help you breathe deeply and relax a little when your child says “penis” for the tenth time that day or calls the lady checking you out at the grocery store a “fart face”.  Patience is a huge key to allowing this stage to pass, but patience alone will probably not create the kind of verbal environment you’re wanting.

So, you’ll have to create boundaries, letting your child know what works for you and what doesn’t.  I invite you to give a little here, and recognize that using potty talk is a way that your child is experiencing joy, laughter, and humor.  But clearly it’s not appropriate to call the teacher names or to shout the names of certain body parts across the store.  So the first step is to decide where your boundary is.  And that can vary greatly depending on your own preferences.

Once you’ve determined which words bother you and which ones don’t, and also which words are OK sometimes, I recommend you make a list.  In the first column, words that are silly and fun but OK anytime; in the second column words that are OK some of the time, but not in public, during dinner, or with grandma and grandpa; and in the third column, words that are absolutely off limits at all times.  These should be words you’ve heard your child say, (you don’t want to give them any new ideas) but which you absolutely cannot abide, such as profanity.

Now that you’ve gotten clear which words really bother you, you can let your child know- these are the words that are off limits and will not be tolerated at any time.  You may need to implement a logical consequence if these words continue to show up, for instance some quiet time or a formal apology to anyone who was offended.  And don’t underestimate the power of ignoring.  Sometimes, all your child is looking for is a big reaction from you, so maintaining your composure and either ignoring or dispassionately implementing a consequence won’t give them the excitement they’re wanting, and they’ll soon lose interest.

Now for the really fun part, you get to share the middle list, the list of words that are OK some of the time, but not in public or during dinner. You can let your child know that there are certain times and circumstances when it’s absolutely OK to joke around with those words.  This will be easier for older children and more difficult for kids 2-4yo.  If the use of the words in the middle column gets out of hand, I recommend setting up a time each evening when it’s “potty talk” time.  That way, your child can enjoy saying things like “poopy butt” at a time of your choosing, and at home.

If you can really get into this and join in with your child, you can have a super fun time laughing and joking, and when those words show up at other times you can say, “Let’s save those words for potty talk time” with a wink.  By joining your child in potty talk time, you’re creating connection and using humor that they enjoy and are familiar with.  And kids always think it’s funny when adults use potty talk, so now you’re all laughing together and strengthening your bond.  In addition, you’re demystifying those words, and debunking the taboo, which is likely to help their interest wane over time.

You also want to remind your child of the words in the first column, the words that are silly and fun and OK anytime.  You might even create some new words with your child, and then redirect her to these words if they start to veer into language you’re not enjoying.  Words like, “Rats!”, “fiddle faddle”, or “Oh snap!” might fulfill the need to express something with extra emphasis, without offending you or others around you.  The more you can engage your child in coming up with alternatives, the more likely they are to use them, so really get creative and listen to their suggestions.  And don’t forget to use the alternatives yourself!  Like it or not, we’re often the ones who are the most influential on our children’s choice of language.

I’m hoping these thoughts and ideas will help you with any challenges you might be having with potty talk.  And I would love to hear about what you’ve tried, what has worked, and what you think about this topic.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

If you’re noticing that your kids are having a difficult time cooperating or listening or generally following your lead, first let me remind you, you’re not alone.  Lots of parents go through this difficulty every day.  I know it can be super frustrating when you’re just trying to get things done, or get to the store, or follow the rules, and your child is fighting you every step of the way.

One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge.  Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time.  There are several ways you can do this.

First, let your child know that for the next 10 minutes, they get to be in charge, they’re the boss, the parent, or the king or queen of your home.  Tell them that as long as the activities they choose are safe, you’ll follow their lead.

You can try playing follow the leader and allow the youngest child in your household to be the leader.  Follow along as if you’re completely entranced by the activities your child is doing and encourage any other siblings to play too.  You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in the life of a young child when they get this time to be in charge, tell people what to do, and watch them do the silly things they’ve thought up.

If you think about it, young people get so little of this kind of play time, they’re starving for some king or queen time.  Kids are constantly told where to be, what to wear, how to act, and to “hurry up”.  Imagine how good it feels to them when they get to be the ones in charge, bossing us around for a change.  They love it!

For more games you can play that your kids will love and that will encourage their sense of power and control over their lives see my blog “Go for the giggle”.

Now you may wonder why giving kids a sense of power and control helps them follow your lead during the rest of the day.  My theory is that kids naturally want to cooperate with adults, but after denying their needs for power for days and weeks in a row, they simply explode and are unable to continue to cooperate.  When this need gets met, even for a short time each day or a few times a week, kids easily fall back into their natural role as helpers and apprentices.

Another benefit to taking time each day to reverse roles with your child is that you get to model the kind of easy cooperation you’re wanting from them.  When they’re greeted with “Good evening Sire, may I take your shoes?  Is there anything I can get you?” they begin to understand what kind cooperation, generous service, and easy collaboration look like.  So during the rest of the day, you’re much more likely to hear the very phrases you’ve used during your special play time.

Imagine hearing, “Mommy, may I take your shoes?  Is there anything I can get you?”  Ahhh, sounds like heaven.  So, during the times when you offer your child the opportunity to be in charge and to be the more powerful one, really play it up, let them know that you honor and respect them.  Be as helpful and kind as you can be with them and watch their own generosity blossom.

I’d love to hear how this goes in your family.  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

In his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey enjoins us to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

As hard as this may be to remember to do with other adults sometimes, I find it even harder to remember to do with my son.

Recently I got my son and his stepbrother reading and math workbooks based on movie characters. My son got a Cars (as in the Disney movie) workbook for Chanukah, while his stepbrother got a Spiderman workbook. My son wailed and hollered for days…”It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Why did you give him that?”

I explained that I knew Canaan (my son, and that’s his new chosen spelling of his name) liked Cars, so I got him that, and I knew Taebin (his stepbrother) liked Spiderman so I got him that. Completely logical.  Meanwhile I was kicking myself for not remembering to get them identical gifts.

Canaan’s dad explained to him that if he kept reacting like this, people wouldn’t feel like giving him gifts anymore. Turning on my best earth mother tone, I imparted a deeply meaningful spiritual lesson about how gifts are expressions of the heart, and the giver wants joy and gratitude in response, and how the gesture of giving the gift is an act of love, far beyond the gift itself.

We also reminded him to focus on himself, and not pay so much attention to what other kids were getting.

Well, sure.

And…blah, blah, blah.

What does any of this mean to a six-year-old with a bruised heart?

Maybe something sunk in. I hope it did.

But what dawned on me was that I had completely skipped over the step of seeking first to understand him. And in so doing, missed the chance to really connect with him, build trust, and show him I was on his side. And how much more valuable would that be than trying to “convince” him of something when he plainly knows otherwise?

I stopped mid-lecture.

“Are you feeling really sad, because when you saw Taebin’s gift you wanted his more than yours?”

Immediately his energy relaxed.

“Yyyeeeeahhhh….”

Of course it did–I was showing him that I was with him, not against him.

So I continued.

“And you really wish you had that present, so you could feel like things were equal?”

Tiny whimper.

“Uh-huh.”

Oh, my sweet little puffin.

I felt myself soften, too.

I noticed that I can feel afraid, sometimes, when I take this approach, that I’m somehow reinforcing “irrational behavior,” or teaching him that it’s “Ok to be upset about little stuff.”  I’m also just wanting peace, and wanting his tirade to end, which fuels my strategy of explaining why it “should” end.

I need to remind myself that empathizing with him doesn’t mean I’m agreeing with his story–it just means I’m taking a moment to seek first to understand, before trying to get understood. This works pretty well with adults. How much more mileage can we get from this technique with young people, who don’t even have the advanced brain development most adults do? But boy, do they know when someone is genuinely trying to understand them.

Please tell me your experience–what happens when you seek first to understand (and check out with the other person whether you got it right), before seeking to be understood?

Oh, and happy Chanukah!

Young people are discovering their world and constantly coming up with strategies to meet their needs.  Sometimes these strategies cause pain and upset in others and are experienced as destructive.

The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting.  Older kids often use their words to destructive means.  And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous.  But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?

Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child.  When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions.  After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.

When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom.  Ouch!  I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back.  But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me.  I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter).  And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained.  So we tried another strategy­–redirection.

First, we began to watch him closely and after some observation we discovered that there was a look in his eye just before he tried to bite.  Next, we tried to understand what need he was trying to meet and we determined that when he needed space, he bit.  He would usually try to bite in a situation when he was in a confined space, had another child touching his body, or when another child took the toy he was playing with.

So for starters, we tried to anticipate any situations that were likely to result in his desire to bite and diffuse the situation before he even got the idea.  But we weren’t perfect, and sometimes he still got the look in his eye, opened his mouth, and tried to bite someone.  We acted swiftly, removed him from the person he was about to bite and REDIRECTED his aggression toward his blanket.  “It’s not OK to bite people, but if you need to bite, you can bite your blanket.”  After a few weeks, John began to go and get his blanket whenever he had the urge to bite!

If you think about it, the urge to bite has helped us out immensely when it comes to eating.  If we didn’t have a need to bite, we might never have discovered some of the delicious foods we eat today.  So, ultimately, biting is a beautiful need, it just sometimes gets generalized to people and things that aren’t safe for biting.

A friend recently shared that her young son had begun to bite his bed frame and was damaging his bed and eating wood!  She decided to redirect her son’s behavior so they found a heavy plastic fork and deemed it his “special biting fork”.  Now when he has the urge to bite he asks his mom for his special biting fork, then he gnaws on it for a few minutes and hands it back to mom.  I was talking to his mom on the phone the other day when he said, “Mom, can I please have my special biting fork?” and I found myself grinning from ear to ear.  I’m so happy that he gets to bite something that’s safe for him!

There are lots of other behaviors that can be redirected into more constructive choices for kids.  What have you tried?  Which redirections have worked for you?  I’d love to hear about your experiences with redirection.  Thanks for being here!

We don’t blog much about, and certainly don’t advocate much for, demands. But sometimes a seemingly rash move like a demand can really shake things up–in good ways.

Last week a good friend of mine back east quit his job. His boss, who rarely had anything but criticism and sarcasm for him said, “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to do what’s best for yourself.” Then the two of them sat down and had a heart-to-heart that lasted over two hours!

This got me thinking–it seemed like the boss, too, was caught in some kind of pattern that was harmful even to herself. She experienced a kind of relief, too, when my friend quit–essentially, did the only thing in his power to demand the behavior stop. She also expressed some sadness and regret that things had gone the way they did. Once my friend unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship by walking out, the boss also got freed up to be more herself–got more access to her full humanity.

Which got me thinking about how sometimes we get stuck in patterns we don’t want, or might not even be aware of.  And how we–or our kids–can feel stuck in a pattern, even as we defend our behavior in that pattern. And how making a unilateral decision–in this case, a demand–can turn things around.

Last night, my son tried repeatedly to hit me. I restrained him and told my son in very clear terms that trying to hurt people isn’t a way we deal with feelings in this family. Once he stopped fighting me, he seemed to feel some relief that he didn’t “have to” resort to this behavior that he didn’t feel entirely good about. There’s no real way to sugar coat this–it was a demand. I insisted that he stop hitting, and I restrained him until he stopped and agreed not to try to hurt me. (I am hoping he grows out of this before he becomes too big to restrain…)

I dislike making demands. I would much rather request what I want. But for myself, when it comes to hitting, I have a bottom line–I do demand that it stop. At the same time, I also wanted to maintain my sense of connection with my son.

So, as I held his swinging arms, I explained some reasons I was preventing him from hitting. I was concerned that no one would want to be his friend if he treated them that way. I also told him that when he got older, if he treated people this way, he could wind up in jail, and I didn’t want that to happen. Both true, both seemed to impact him. So it wasn’t just a battle of wills, it was a boundary with a reason attached.

When I was a kid, my parents set rules but rarely enforced them. This gave me an ungrounded sense, that I could somehow float away and not be noticed. I also lost respect for my parents, and felt more powerful than I was comfortable with. So I guess I’ve gone the other direction and now want to make sure my son knows that I am in charge, he has safe boundaries to thrash around in and that I mean what I say.

I also feel pretty clear that hitting is one of the only areas where I feel myself move into “demand” space. Much of the rest of our day-to-day feels like it has more wiggle room.

But I wanted to raise the issue of making demands because I feel like it’s gotten a bit of a bad rap (and maybe I’ve even contributed to that) and I wanted to look at demands in a different light, as something that can bring relief to all parties concerned.

What do you think? Do you make demands, and if so, when? How do you feel about them? How does that work out?