This week’s guest blog is by Mindy:

After I had my first baby my neighbor told me that I can no longer call it “going on vacation” if kids are involved, and that she refers to it as traveling or taking a trip.  It took me a couple years and many attempts at vacationing with kids to fully grasp what she meant.

A vacation implies a break, and traveling with young kids, especially more than one, is anything but that.  In fact, in nearly every way it is more difficult, more work, and more exhausting than staying home .  Labeling the trip as a vacation is really just setting yourself up for disappointment as it seems even more painful to be up in the middle of the night with a crying baby or time-zone-wacked toddler when you’re paying $200 a night for the “experience” in lodging alone.

Here are some things that have helped add a little vacation to our trips:

Travel with extended family

Of course, this only works if you have family you like enough to be around AND they are good with your kids.  But if you really think about it, you probably have at least someone who qualifies.  Maybe a niece who likes kids and would love a free place to stay by the beach?

BK (before kids) I never would have considered bringing my mother along for a beach vacation with my husband as it would completely cramp the intimacy and probably drive me crazy, but now she’s the only hope we have of intimacy and I’m making it an annual thing!

If you’re inviting relatives, it’s best to be clear about everyone’s expectations up front (before booking the trip) including the financial side.  If you are want help with the kids you need to make a clear request, such as “My husband and I can really use some alone time to reconnect, would you be willing to you watch the kids for two afternoons and one evening while we go out?”

Other Help

If you really can’t fathom the idea of vacationing with ANYONE you have a blood relationship with, seriously consider forking out the money to take along a babysitter or nanny.  Some people will be happy to come along and provide a certain number of childcare hours as a trade if you are paying for part or all of their trip, especially if they can bring a friend or significant other.  For us, it means we take far less vacations because they are more expensive when we’re paying for additional people, but since it’s so much more of a vacation WITH the help it’s worth it.

The holy grail of help is traveling where there are other kids for your kids to play with, so if there is any way to orchestrate this by traveling with another family (and perhaps bringing and splitting the cost of a nanny) go for it!

Minimize changing locations

Everyone will probably be happier if you stay at one place for 9 days than 3 places for 3 days.   Kids need a couple days to get in a rhythm at a new place and figure out how and what to play, what the sleeping arrangements are, and really feel comfortable.  If you are changing locations every couple days the kids are more likely to act out.

Multiple rooms

You’ll want at least two rooms and at least one of them to get pretty dark so your child doesn’t wake up at the crack of dawn local time just because it’s too bright in the room.  The multiple rooms is worth the extra cash, even if everyone is sharing one bed, because you will need a place to hang out with your mate while the kids are (hopefully) napping or down early.

Kitchen or Kitchenette

You’ll probably more than save the money you pay for this extra in not having to eat out for every meal.  You’ll also have much more relaxed dining experiences and less hunger related meltdowns if you can just eat-on-demand in.

Family Friendly Resorts

I’ve found various resorts that cater to kids & families by offering activities for kids, childcare (either babysitters or daycare “kids clubs”, or both), kids pools with slides, kids food options, and so on.  I haven’t stayed at any of the places I’ve researched because we prefer smaller, B&B type places and our kids generally don’t go for being watched by people they don’t know, but these could be a godsend.

And… possibly most importantly…. Do Less

Getting everyone fed, dressed, and down the to beach or pool expends more than enough effort, why try to pack in that amusement park that they are probably too young  or old for anyway or is much too crowded? (Unless of course Grandma is taking them!)

It can take a day or two for the kids to adjust to having you around so much and so much unstructured time, but they’ll adjust and probably thrive on having endless open afternoons at the same beach, woods, park or just yard day after day.

Please share your wisdom and stories of how you have traveled with kids.

Mindy Ranney
www.ranney.com

It’s easy to become overprotective of kids, especially our own.  It’s as if we can suddenly see 10 steps ahead and we KNOW that something horrible is about to happen.  But what if our children don’t actually need our warnings, fears, and concerns in order to keep themselves safe?

When I was in college I learned about this incredible study that was done with babies who had recently learned to crawl.  They were placed on a piece of inch thick Plexiglas with a checkerboard pattern underneath.  Babies crawled around easily on the surface and came to their moms who were encouraging them from the other side of the surface.

Then, babies were put on another Plexiglas surface with the same checkerboard pattern just beneath the Plexiglas for about 3 feet and then a visual drop-off; the checkerboard pattern was a few feet below the Plexiglas. All the babies were completely safe from falling because the Plexiglas was strong and supporting them, however, even with their moms encouraging them and calling them from the other side of the room, babies refused to cross onto the area where it appeared there was a 3-foot drop.  They believed it wasn’t safe, and so they stayed where they were certain not to fall.   Amazing, right?!

I mean we’ve all been there when a one year old launched herself off of the couch straight into the coffee table, hurting herself, crying loudly, and needing consolation.  But, how hurt was she really?  And is that something that our repeated refrain of, “Be careful!” will actually prevent?

I think that there’s a reason that childhood comes with some bumps and bruises.  We’re learning our boundaries, our physical skills, and how to use our bodies.  The thing I find fascinating is that young children learn from these experiences and know how to keep themselves safe in the future!

In the book “the Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff she talks about how amazed she was that the people in the native tribe she was observing never told their children to be careful or watch out.  Instead, they trusted their kids to keep themselves safe even while hiking up a steep mountain or playing near a huge pit.  They allowed older children to care for younger children, comforted kids when THEY initiated contact, and in general, kept to their adult tasks, allowing kids to direct themselves.

In our generation of “helicopter parenting” I think we can learn a lot from the tribe Liedloff observed.  Trusting kids to know their own limits is often the best way to encourage self-directed, confident, assured young people to learn and grow at their own pace.

So, this week, notice any tendencies you might have to hover, give extra direction or advice, or warn your kids about dangers that they’re already well aware of.  Try taking a step back and observe how skilled your children really are at taking care of themselves and each other.  And then, let them know how much you enjoy and appreciate how much you can trust them.

And don’t forget to have a fabulous week!  Warmly, Shelly

First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101.  You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: http://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you.  When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”.  “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter.  Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body.  Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right.   This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?”  This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective.

M:  “So John, how are you feeling?”

J:  “I don’t know,” looks away.

M:  “Are you feeling upset?”

J:  “Yeah, I guess”

M:  “So, you’re feeling pretty upset, huh?”

J:  “Well, actually, I’m mad at Tom”

M:  “Oh, you’re mad at Tom. Is that right?”

J:  “Yeah.”

M:  “What else?”

J:  “Well, he said he’s not my friend anymore and that hurt my feelings.”

M:  “Oh, so when Tom said he’s not your friend anymore, your feelings were hurt.”

J: “Yeah.”

At this point Mom might acknowledge John’s feelings, letting him know that it’s OK to feel what he feels and she’s glad he’s shared his inner world with her.  This lets John know that his feelings matter and it’s OK to feel exactly what he does. He learns that his mom cares about him and is available to empathize with him.  She may ask more questions about what happened with Tom, but she’s careful not to push John or to be overly invasive. She maintains her genuine curiosity throughout the exchange, but is able to let go when John is finished sharing.

Sometimes it’s challenging to remain curious.  For instance, if we already think we know what happened, we might assume a child is being deceptive if her story doesn’t match up with what we think we know.  But if we can remain curious, and really try to understand her point of view, rather than asserting our own, we become a LOT more available for connection and kids naturally feel more safe, secure, and willing to share.  Letting go of our assumptions is a huge key to getting in touch with genuine curiosity.

I’m super curious about your own experiences with checking in and getting curious and how it has created connection (or not) for you.

Please share some of your experiences, or ask follow up questions below.  I read every single comment and try to respond to most of them.  I really appreciate you being here and hope to see you here week after week.

Have a wonderful day, Shelly

Wanna have more fun with your kids AND keep your heart healthy?

Then try Going for the Giggle!

We’ve all heard the old adage “Laughter is the best medicine.”

Well… guess what?

It’s really true!

Recent heart and blood vessel research shows that laughter may actually help prevent heart disease!  By laughing more with your family, you’ll have more fun and connection while supporting healthy hearts all around.

Here at Awake Parent, we’re big fans of letting kids release their feelings- but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck listening to screaming, crying kids all the time!

Kids can release their feelings through laughter too.  (And it’s usually a LOT more fun for everyone)

There are bunches of ways to bring more humor into our everyday lives.

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Try something spontaneous or silly.

If it brings a smile to their little faces, keep it up!

You might be surprised at what is funny to your kids.

For young children and babies, something as simple as putting a stuffed animal on your head and pretending you don’t know it’s there can produce peals of laughter — especially if you also do a funny face or goofy voice.

For older kids, fart noises are a sure win. (heehee)

Remember keep on being silly until they stop laughing!  If you’re not all lying on the floor in a cuddle puddle, you’re not done yet.

2) Play the fool.

This brings SO much joy to young people…

Anytime you can’t remember something simple –or you’re acting extra clumsy — you have an opportunity to make them laugh.

Not only do they get to laugh at you, they also get to feel smarter and more powerful than you, (Which is a fun change from the norm.)

Try asking your three year old where things are in your home –or forgetting what sounds certain animals make — and you’ll have hours of playful fun.

3) Play the Feather Touch Game.

Like  playing the fool, the Feather Touch game lets your child be strong while you be the (much) weaker one.

Just pretend you’re going about your business, but when your child gently touches you…

Suddenly fall down!

Then pretend you’re not sure what happened, “Whoa, that must have been a strong wind!  One minute I was standing up, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground!”

4) Allow Your Child to be in charge of all tickling.

In case you’re wondering… tickling is only fun when the person being tickled is in charge.

When I was young and playing with my Mom, I LOVED to be tickled, but only because I trusted that my mom would stop, when I said stop.

Being tickled against my will might have seemed like it was fun to an outsider–I was laughing after all…

But inside I felt hurt and angry because I didn’t have any power over my experience.

Tickling can also be scary, even terrifying for kids.

So, yes, tickle your kids if they like it, and ask for it, and make sure they know that you’ll stop when they say so. It’s another fun way to release feelings safely.

Thanks for reading! 
Love, Shelly

Next Week:  Sometimes nobody’s in the mood to giggle, so next week I’ll share six steps to connect with your child.  Learn why sometimes guessing is even better than knowing.

P.S. What did you think about “Going for the Giggle”?  Do these ideas seem like they’ll work in your family?  Are you ready to try them?  Or do you have questions or thoughts?

As always, we welcome your comments, please leave them in the comment box below…