You might even already have a rug that will work well.  You want a rag rug, bathmat, or other rug that is about three feet by four feet in size and is easy to roll up.  To keep it out of the way when it’s not being  used, you can store your rug in a clean trash can, large vase, or other container when it’s rolled up.  And when your child is ready to get out her dinosaurs, remind her to get her rug first.

Children often enjoy taking care of their workspace and will take great pleasure in laying out their rug and then setting out their toys or other activities.  And, by keeping the space defined you will notice several benefits.

First, your child will feel his work and play are honored and important when you make it a point to walk around his rug and encourage other family members to respect his space.  Second, you’ll cut down of sibling conflict when each child has his own space and both practice respecting one another’s space.  In the Montessori classroom children are required to ask permission to touch anything on someone else’s rug.

Also, if you need to move your child’s activity, it’s fairly easy to pick up two ends of the rug and drag it over to another spot without disturbing what’s on the rug.  That means that even though she starts a puzzle on the living room floor, you can pull it over to the hallway, or even into her room, when the family needs the floor space again.

And, by keeping their work on a rug, it’s easy to see whether they’ve put away one thing before getting out something else.  “Oh, I see there’s still work on your rug.  Please clean that up first, and then we can bake some muffins.”

For older kids, especially those who like to play with leggos or other small pieces, I recommend you use a folded sheet BEFORE dumping the leggos out.  You can fold the sheet to a size that works for your child (about 5’x5’ works well).

Then, after she’s finished playing, she can set up her finished work on a desk or dresser for display and simply lift all four corners of the sheet to concentrate the small pieces in the center of the sheet.  Then she can either scoop them up into their bin or with your help, the two of you can pour the leggos into the bin!  It’s SO much easier than picking up individual pieces.  Trust me, this cuts leggo clean up time to a fraction of the time it used to take.

I’m curious, have you tried using a rug or sheet in this way?  Has it worked well for you?  I would love to hear about your experiences.  Please leave me a comment!  Warm hugs, Shelly

Here are a few empowering thoughts, assumptions, questions, and some dialogue that have helped me change gears and reconnect with a young person after I’ve felt frustrated or hurt:

Q: My 20 mo. old son is throwing things in clear defiance of my wishes.  It seems like he WANTS to upset me.

New interpretation: He’s just asking to play.

Challenge: How can we make it a safe/fun/mutual game?

Inside Shelly’s head:

Oh no, he’s going to throw that.  “Stop!”, He throws it anyway and aims at something breakable but misses.  “Wow, I’m so glad you aimed away from the flower pot!  That flowerpot is fragile and breakable and it would be expensive to replace it.  Hmmm, I wonder what would be good to throw something at…Oh!  I know!  Let’s throw beanbags into the special hole we made!  I want the red beanbag, which one do you want?  I’m going to throw it into the hole.  Can you make it into the hole? C’mon!  Let’s go get the beanbags!”

Q:  My 18 mo. old daughter uses a blood curdling scream when she wants attention and sometimes for no reason that we know of.

New interpretation: She’s curious how I’ll respond.

Challenge:  How composed can I remain?

Inside Shelly’s head:

How would my best self respond?  Calmly.  The less I react, the less power her actions have and the easier it will be to redirect.  I will remain calm and remind her to use an inside voice.  If she continues I will either leave the room or take her outside to scream.  After she screams, I’ll get really close to her and whisper in her ear, “Let’s use our inside voices.  And if you need to scream, let’s go outside.  Which one? Inside voices or outside?”

Your practice this week is to find a new interpretation for a challenging situation with your kids.  And then come up with a challenge for yourself that you will meet with gusto.  I would love to hear how it goes!

Have a great week, Shelly

P.S.  If you’d like to see an email exchange I had with my dear friend and yoga instructor Kendra about her challenges with her young son, keep reading.  I think her questions and my responses will be useful for anyone who has a willful toddler at home.

Kendra:   I definitely feel tested these days by my son saying ‘no’ (or ‘no way’) when I ask him to do things

Shelly:  At 21mo. Trent is still pretty young to consistently help out with things like putting toys away and cleaning up in general.  You can ask or even insist that he help, but if I were you, I’d invite him and then go ahead and clean up myself happily if he says no.  Essentially you’re modeling joyful tidiness and taking pride in your home environment.  He will likely join in more often the more fun it seems to do so.  And when he’s two and a half to three years old you can begin to require a few consistent cleaning tasks.  For now, it’s more about fun, play, and helping out joyfully.  When you can get him to happily put one toy away consistently, then move on to three toys.

Kendra:  The other night when I asked him to help me put all his animals away, he said ‘no’ & threw one of them at me.  It didn’t seem like it was out of anger – more just testing…

Shelly: It sounds like he’s looking for a boundary here.  I think I would let him know that it’s never OK to throw things at people, unless you’re playing catch.  You might be dramatic in your response, like “WHOA!  A flying dinosaur!  I’m so glad that didn’t hit me.  That would really hurt.  Do you remember which things are OK to throw? I’m going to put the animals away now.”  You don’t want to give too much energy or attention to the behavior you don’t want.  Instead, redirect his attention to something you DO want.

Kendra:  He also does it with hitting the windows – something that is never ok, and I do try to give him options, like he can hit the wall or the drums or the couch, just never the windows – he will look right at me & hit the window.

Shelly:  Awesome job offering him alternatives!  Again, this is a boundary issue.  This one is a little bit trickier because a broken window is a huge hassle.  Luckily he’s still small enough for you to physically remove him if you need to.  I have a couple of suggestions here.  First, out of sight out of mind.  If there is a window that he hits most often I would barricade it, cover it with a curtain or find some other way to make it disappear.  If it’s a window that you need access to, I would make a point of stopping whatever you’re doing as soon as you see him considering hitting the window.

Because he’s so young, he’s unable to stop himself from following through on most of his impulses, so asking him not to hit the window when it’s within reach isn’t going to be effective (until he’s a little older).  Instead, I’d run right over there and move him away from the window and THEN say, “We don’t hit windows.  Windows are breakable and fragile.  If you want to sit next to the window I will sit with you to make sure the window is safe.”  Then as you build trust by close supervision you can relax your supervision over time.

Kendra:   He is simultaneously often very clingy – hanging on to my leg while I’m trying to make breakfast & wanting to get up & be held & nurse a LOT.

Shelly: This is totally normal and a little bit crazy making.  I wonder what would shift if you had some dedicated snuggle time on the floor in the kitchen before breakfast.  Maybe you can head this off at the pass?  Also, consider setting him up with a fun food prep activity at his high chair before you start breakfast.  He could slice a banana with a butter knife, or mash a banana or other fruit with a fork or small potato masher. He may even be able to peel an apple orange or banana. If you want more ideas for activities he can do on his own, let’s talk on the phone so I can get a better idea of his small motor skill level and coordination.

Kendra:  but then also throwing things at me, which really triggers me

Shelly: “Trent! You may NOT throw things at me.  If you’d like to play catch then go get a ball, but if you throw things at me I’m going into my room where I feel safe.”  When you take away your attention every time he throws something at you, he won’t get the emotional response he’s interested in.  In this instance I think it’s better to walk away than to give him further attention.  After you’ve established the boundary to your satisfaction, you may even choose to ignore the offense and simply walk away whenever it happens.  I think it will cease within a few weeks if you’re consistent with this.  However, if he knows that he’s producing an interesting emotional response in you, he’ll be compelled to do it again and again because he’s so curious about his own power and the emotional connections and disconnections between people.

Kendra:   Or, when I’m changing him:  he’ll kick me – playfully – but when i tell him not too (or that mama doesn’t like that because it hurts), he smiles & thinks it’s a game & does it more & I just do not know how to get my point across!

Shelly:  In this case I think he’s asking you to play with him.  If you can find a different game to play during changing time that’s even more fun, he’ll quickly switch his focus.  You could try “this little piggy” or eating his feet or raspberries on his tummy, you might play peek-a-boo with a blanket, or just surprise him with a loud “BOO!” and get him giggling.

Kendra:   The other day culminated in me sitting on the floor, crying & Trent laughing at me.

Shelly: I’m so sorry.  That does not sound fun.  It sounds like you could begin to work on some empathy skills with Trent too.  As you’re reading books or experiencing interactions with others just put special emphasis on the emotional content and ask him questions about it.  “Do you think that little boy is feeling happy or sad? Wow, that looks like hard work, would you like to go help? or Lucy looks sad, I’m going to give Lucy a hug to help her feel better.” etc.  Trent won’t be able to experience a lot of empathy until he’s out of the parallel play period and interacting directly with more peers, but you can begin to give him some information and insight into the emotional worlds of others now.

Most importantly, don’t forget that you are doing an AMAZING job of mothering.  You are incredibly skilled, caring and compassionate most of the time, so give yourself a break once in a while.  It’s OK to set strong boundaries and even to lose your composure once in a while.  Trent knows that he’s loved and cared for.

This question empowers you and your loved ones to communicate openly, honestly, and freely.  It can even help you learn more about your children and their motivations.  OK, are you ready for it?  The magic question is, “Would you be willing to ____?”  Variations on this question might be “Would you?” “Could you?” or “Will you please?”

But a huge part of the magic of the question is that it’s a true request.  When you ask, “Would you be willing to help me carry in the groceries?” you’re actually asking for help, not demanding it.  So be careful with the variations unless you’re sure you’re truly asking.  Sometimes our demands can be subtle and veiled, but they’re demands none-the-less.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of demanding and ordering kids around, especially when they’re resistant and uncooperative.  “Brush your teeth” “Put on your shoes, we’re leaving” and “Stop hitting your sister” are the kinds of demands most kids experience daily.  If you’ve fallen into the habit of making lots of demands of your kids, you’re not alone.  The problem is that the more we demand, the less kids want to cooperate.  And the less kids cooperate, the more we demand.  It’s a vicious cycle, but you have the power to change the dynamics substantially, just by asking the magic question and being OK with whatever the answer is.

I don’t mean to imply that you’ll stop making demands of your kids.  That would be impractical and highly unlikely in any case.  But what if you were to transform just some of your daily demands into true requests?  How might your child feel if after being told to take out the garbage for the past six weeks, you actually ASKED if she was willing to?

It may take a little while for your new true requests to sink in, so don’t be surprised if your kids don’t respond very differently at first.  They may not trust that your new “nicer” way of asking is anything but a better disguised demand.  But if you continue to make some true requests every day, and are actually OK with hearing no from them, pretty soon the young people in your life will begin to feel the difference.  And when they do, something magical will happen.  Almost as soon as kids realize that they can refuse your requests without suffering a negative consequence, they’ll become more and more willing to cooperate.

Children are actually innately designed to cooperate with their parents and other care-givers.  Evolutionarily it was the only way they could survive, right? But when we’ve taken their goodwill for granted they begin to resent us and our demands.   So the way back to their innate good nature is to actually give them the freedom to choose whether or not to cooperate with us.  But luckily for us the deck is stacked against defiance, because cooperating naturally feels better and gets us better results socially.  All kids ultimately want to have a strong connection to their parents and the quickest way to that continued connection is to cooperate.

So this week, give your kids a little extra freedom to cooperate or not, and watch how that impacts your connection with them.  I would love to hear how it works for you!

Have a great week, Shelly

OK, so you know the principle of Occam’s razor?  It’s the one that states that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.  Well, so far, it’s been showing up in my world as a new parent.  Here are some examples:  1) Which is simpler, that my husband purposely hid my fork from me or that I inadvertently tossed it into the sink and forgot about it? 2) Which is simpler, using a host of stain fighting concoctions to get the poop stains out of my cloth diapers or just putting them out in the sun for an hour? 3) Which is simpler, applying lots of special creams to my baby’s butt to get rid of diaper rash or just letting her little toosh get some air a few times a day?

I’m finding it absolutely amazing how time and again, the simpler solution is the better one!  It reminds me of a book I read years ago called “The Simple Living Guide” that offered lots of simple, easy solutions to all aspects of our ever more complicated lives.  If I recall correctly the author even wrote about things like getting rid of stuff so that you’d have less to organize and keep track of.

I love the principle of simplifying on many levels.  Physically, it makes life easier to own only 6 or 8 plates instead of 20.  I have less to store, less to get dirty, and less to clean.  Psychologically I feel more at ease and more comfortable when my home is clean, organized, and more sparsely furnished.  Financially, I save money when I choose not to buy the newest latest and greatest gadget or toy.  Environmentally, I’m helping to save the planet by reducing my ecological footprint every time I stay home, work from home, cook at home, or don’t order something from another continent.

And when I think back to my experience working in a preschool classroom, I remember that when we teachers took the time to organize just a few thoughtful activities, the children were more relaxed, engaged and comfortable than they were if we tried to introduce a whole bunch of new exciting stuff all at once.

So, this week, take some time to consider how you can simplify your home and your life.  Try removing toys, rather than adding new ones and see how your child  responds differently to the toys he can now see and experience (instead of having to dig through a huge bin full of stuff).  Organize things into bins and stash them in the garage, then pull them out in a month and rotate your child’s toys.  Consider donating some items to a thrift store or having a yard sale.  You may even try clearing off the tables, countertops, and other horizontal surfaces of your home and notice how much more calm you feel as a result.

I hope you enjoy simplifying your life as much as I do!   And I’d love to hear how it goes, so please let me know.

Although young people make up a significant portion of our population, they don’t pay the bills, so they usually aren’t catered to in the way that adults are. Most furniture is not built to accommodate them. There are often no stools provided where needed, especially in public.

Even going to the bathroom in a public restroom and washing one’s hands can be quite difficult for a person with a small body. Doors are large and too heavy; tools are too big for their hands… I think you get the idea.

So if there’s a place where a child can find solace from these frustrations, I hope it will be their home.  I would be inspired to live in a world where a child’s home is a place where she can reach the counter top, make herself a snack, and take care of her personal hygiene easily. I’ve found that when young people are given the tools they need to be able to have these freedoms, they are more peaceful and often much more responsible. Trusting young people to care for themselves and giving them the necessary tools to do so, fosters a sense of self-care, self approval and healthy pride.

Consider the daily activities of the child in your home. What does he do and what would make his tasks easy to accomplish without asking for adult intervention? Is there a convenient place for him to hang his coat when he enters his home? (Tip: for very young children, a low hook is the easiest place for a jacket) Can he reach the sink easily for hand washing? Are there art activities, games, puzzles and books that are within easy reach?  Does your child have comfortable furniture that fits his body?

Ask your kids what changes they’d like to see in their home environment. And consider what changes would ultimately make things easier for all family members. For instance, if children’s dishes are where they can reach them and they know where the carrot sticks are and that carrots are an acceptable snack, they can simply let you know what they’re doing (or not, depending on your house rules),  without needing you to stop what you’re doing and fix them a snack. Also, consider asking older children to help younger children. Requesting the help of your older child (without demanding) can foster teamwork and interdependence between siblings.

Ultimately, your children want to feel capable and supported in their home, and although that might require some rearranging and consideration, it’s not much work to provide possibilities for autonomy and it’s almost no work for you once they know how to care for themselves! So, take a look around your home this week to be sure that everyone in your family has access to:

Water (for drinking and washing)
Food
Clean clothing
Warm clothing
Books/toys/art supplies
Towels and cleaning supplies
Art at eye level
Full-length mirror in bedroom
Things to nurture like a plant or a pet

So, I hope you’ll use this list as a guide, and talk with your child about what sort of changes would make life at home easier, more fun, and more equitable.  When we honor children by taking the time and making the effort to accommodate their needs, they feel treasured in ways they can’t even express.  But I’m sure you’ll notice the difference!  I’d love to hear about how simple changes around the house have made a difference in your kids lives.  Please leave us a comment below.