I just talked with a new coworker whose pictures of his beautiful family were flashing over his screen. We talked about parenting, and kids. Here’s what he said about fatherhood:

“My wife and I have very separate busy lives, but because we are both active in our daughter’s life, our relationship grows stronger.  Many times I wonder how I “turned out OK” because my father was the typical dad of his day, and I was on my own to “grow up.”  Taking an active role in helping my daughter learn new things continues to teach me about myself in return!  The ability to be a part of her life and development as a person is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given.”

I knew what he was talking about. Media images from shows in the 50s and 60s (like “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” ) showed pretty segregated gender roles.  Stereotypical Dads impregnated their wives, brought home the bacon, and meted out discipline when Junior didn’t obey. Nowadays, that’s the kind of scenario someone might bring to therapy to “recover” from.

Times sure have changed.

Though economic pressures weigh heavily on most families, and segregated roles still seem to be the only viable alternative in many two-parent families I talk to, many families find ways to mix things up regardless. Some have for generations!

 Here are three of the biggest benefits I see that men get when they show up and decide to take on parenting as part of who they are:

1) Wholeness. The more time men spend with their families, the more perspective and balance they feel with their outside jobs (and yes, challenge to keep that balance). This results in greater ability to relax (it’s hard to be uptight with little ones jumping on you and giggling),more of an overall sense of well-being, and greater contact with the whole of their humanity, including the part that gets to relate to others. Yes, that great guy is more than a money-making machine–he’s a warm and wonderful DAD!

2) Greater closeness with partner. If a man is partnered, and he and his partner share child responsibilities, they share a significant part of their worlds. When two people have completely separate worlds, they have less to talk about and can become more entrenched in what’s necessary to inhabit the world they spend the most time in. This was most obvious in housewife-breadwinner “Leave it to Beaver” roles of the 1950’s, but still can exert influence on families today. When those roles are more fluid, there’s more common ground to share and bond around. Families who share responsibilities also have a chance to share more intimacy.

And here’s the best thing a “Show-Up” dad gets:

3) A real relationship with his children. We get the relationships we cultivate. When we show up and take an interest in what our kids are doing, listen to them, share in their worlds and share our worlds with them in appropriate and joyful ways, (funny, it works this way with adults, too!) we form the foundation for a rich and rewarding relationship for the rest of our lives.

What do you notice and feel about fatherhood, either your own or that of someone close to you? Please tell us in the comment box below.

Warmly,

Jill

Are you tired of tantrums?

Give your kids an alternative

Get more connected by Guessing Feelings

By guessing your child’s feelings, you can help her learn a new way to express herself… verbally!

Even if your guesses are wrong, your child will respond to your efforts to tune into her. When young kids have tantrums, they’re frustrated, low on creativity, and can’t figure out another way to express how strongly they feel.

Remember that tantrums won’t necessarily disappear, just because your little angel is able to say, “Mommy, I’m mad!”

He will have more options, however, and if you can catch him early enough, you might be able to head off some tantrums before they start.

Here are six steps to help you use Guessing Feelings to help create more emotional connectedness for your whole family:

1) Download a Feelings List Here- Feelings List

2) Print it out and use it to expand your own emotional vocabulary. Begin to identify and express your own feelings throughout the day. “Oh! I’m feeling so happy and content right now!”

3) Practice guessing. “Sweetie, are you feeling frustrated?”, or “Wow, it looks like you’re feeling really excited! Are you feeling excited right now?” Be prepared to guess again or be corrected without taking it personally if you don’t get it right the first time.

Remember, it’s not if your guesses are right that counts, it’s the fact that you’re trying to tune in and build emotional vocabulary.

4) Use a wide variety of feeling words with your child every day both by sharing your own feelings and by guessing hers.

5) Next time you’re reading a bed-time story, look for the emotional content and ask your child to guess. “How to you think Thomas is feeling right now?” If you get no response, make your own guesses, “I wonder if he’s feeling lonely because he misses his friends.”

6) Play games with your family in which you each make faces and try to guess feelings, or list feelings and play at exaggerating them.

By expanding the emotional vocabulary you use with your child on a daily basis, you’re setting him up to be able to express his feelings effectively, without completely losing it.

With many repetitions, your child will begin to say things like, “Mommy, I’m feeling frustrated because I need attention!” or “Daddy, I feel sad, can I have a hug?”

If you’d like to learn more about how to increase emotional awareness and connectedness in your family, keep an eye out for our new CD “Perspectives on Feelings”.

Thanks for being here!

Big hugs and love, Shelly

P.S. What did you think of this blog about reflecting feelings? Was it helpful? Clear? Is there anything we could have done better? Please let us know your thoughts and questions in the comment box below. Thanks!