The New York Times published an article this week about the importance of having a social network http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/28/a-new-risk-factor-your-social-life/ Apparently, the study shows that having strong social ties decreases your risk of dying by 50%!  Researches concluded that not having a social network can be as dangerous to your health as smoking a pack a day or being an alcoholic.

In the study, strong family ties counted as a social network, but I suspect that the social experiences we get to have with our peers and elders are hugely important.  So, if your only family ties are with your partner and kids, take a moment this week to consider how you can expand your social network to include some fun peer connections.   According to this study, it really could be a matter of life and death.

In my parenting coaching practice, I often work with moms who tell me they just don’t have time to connect with their friends anymore.  They struggle to get in some alone time or a workout here and there or a date with their husband, but they seem to forget that having a conversation with a girlfriend or going to lunch with an old college buddy can be just as important.

I know it’s not easy to connect with friends when your kids are around, but as a nanny, I managed to meet up with a girlfriend who also had a charge a couple of times a week.  We would chat at the park while we watched the kids play, or meet up for lunch and have a very disjointed, many times interrupted, conversation while we somehow got ourselves and the kids fed.  Or we’d walk to the library together and have a whispered adult conversation during toddler story time.

There really are ways to get your social needs met, even with young children.  And yes, it’s much different from the one on one social time you spent with your friends before there were kids in the picture.  You will get interrupted.  You may not get to finish your thought, or remember where you left off before that last diaper change, but you can still connect with an understanding friend, get some nourishing eye contact and a good hug and maybe even a thoughtful reflection or a tip or suggestion.  At the very least, you can remember that you’re not alone.

And then again, you may even be able to create opportunities to connect with friends WITHOUT your kids!  You can hire a babysitter or do a childcare trade with a trusted friend.  Or if you’re lucky, you can drop the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s for an afternoon or evening.  If your kids are older, you can schedule sleepovers at friend’s houses and actually have a night out on the town!

What are your favorite activities to do with your friends?  And when was the last time you actually made an effort to do those things together?!   I found the New York Times article sobering to say the least, and it reminds me that even as I welcome my first child into the world, I MUST prioritize my own health and wellbeing so that I can be the mom I want to be.  And I’m re-committed to staying in contact with my friends and family, even after becoming a parent.  I hope you’ll take on the challenge too.

So, this will be my last blog for a couple of months.  And  you get a treat!  I’ve collected guest blogs from some friends and conscious parents, so you’ll get some new ideas and perspectives while I’m on maternity leave.  And don’t worry, I’ll be back at the end of September or early October so regale you with my newest insights.  Have a fantastic week and stick around for some really fun and interesting guest blogs in the coming weeks.  Warm hugs, Shelly

This week I watched a fascinating video about baby led breastfeeding.  It showed newborn, days old, and months old infants maneuvering themselves into a good nursing position with very little help from their mothers.  Babies were deliberate in their movements bobbing and clearly searching for the nipple.  And, when they found it on their own, many mothers reported that the latch was more comfortable than it had been when they had tried to help their babies find the nipple.  What an incredible innate ability babies have!

Watching newborn infants lead the way at breastfeeding reminded me of one of the foundations of Maria Montessori’s groundbreaking educational philosophies; follow the child.  Montessori asserted that children have an innate desire to learn and if we follow their lead, they will enjoy learning, retain more information, and continue to seek out even more knowledge.

But following the child doesn’t just work to help kids develop their intellect, it also helps them to find their power and leadership skills.  When we allow children to be in charge and take the lead, they will often surprise us with their creativity and take us in directions we never expected.

For instance, kids who are feeling powerless and frustrated about it will often make up games than involve enslaving their brothers, sisters, parents, or other adults.  It’s how they work out their frustrations about being a kid and how they learn to understand what it’s like to be in charge.

I’ve found that by allowing children to lead the way during some specifically designated child led play-time, kids become better able to cooperate and connect for the rest of the day.

I’ve even had experiences where I wasn’t sure why a child was grumpy or defiant and when I allowed the child to lead the play, I soon discovered what was really bothering them.  Kids have an amazing ability to work out their emotional challenges through play, but they have to be allowed the time, space, and attention to do so effectively.

Have you ever walked by your child’s room and heard him in pretend play with his dinosaurs, “Now Danny, you have to eat your broccoli, green vegetables are good for your body.”  “But Daaaad, I don’t waaant to eat it, it’s yucky!”  “If you don’t eat your veggies you won’t grow up to be big and strong like me.”  “OK, I’ll eat them, but can I have some cheese on them?”  Or you may have noticed your daughter bossing around her dolls, “Get in your stroller right this minute young lady or I will have to take away your candy.”

Your challenge this week is to observe and play along with your child in activities or games that he or she has created.  See what you can notice about what kind of play your child is most drawn to and reflect on how that might be an indication of what she’s experiencing in every day life.   Is your child free, creative and lighthearted or angry and destructive?  Consider how you can support your child in working out emotional challenges through child-led play on a daily or weekly basis.

And if you have one, please share a story below about your own experiences of child-led play.  I would love to know what it’s been like for you!

Warmly, Shelly

I know I’m usually sharing all sorts of ideas for activities with kids or ways to handle conflict lovingly, but today I want to talk about the importance of taking time AWAY from your kids.

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids.  Let me allay your fears.  Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class.  It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things.  This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives.  In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study?  Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me.  I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them.  As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person.  I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?!  When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective.  You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment.  Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them!  And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids.  When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice.  It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself.  Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it.  Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

We’ve all been there, it’s time to leave, your child wants to stay and continue to play, you’re tired and ready to go, a conflict is brewing.  How we handle these difficult moments can be the difference between a fantastic day and a really rough one.  And really, either one is available to us in a given moment, we just have to be able to access enough creativity to create the fun, laughter filled connection we’re wanting, rather than falling into a negativity trap.

I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative.  Well, that’s where I come in.  I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes.  Sound good?

So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.

1)    Turn it into a game- Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead.  Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them.  Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling.  And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even fin YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.

2)    Go for the giggle- What do your kids find hilarious?  Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down?  It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing.  But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it!  Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions.  Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on.  After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate.

3)    Let the youngest lead- Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to get everyone on the same page and heading in the right direction.  Try assigning that task to the youngest child in your household.  Help her by offering kind ways to ask for what she wants, and by inviting your older children to follow her lead.  Young children have such an incredible imagination, you may even learn a new way to get everyone into the car and on the road (or out of the kitchen while you’re trying to make dinner).  Some of the most fun moments I’ve had as a nanny were times when the youngest one was in charge of a follow the leader game and the rest of us were all down on hands and knees following him around the house.

4)    Physical play-  Jumping on the bed, piling pillows up for hide and seek, rolling, romping and other forms of physical play are a great way to create connection in moments of high tension.  Sometimes all you need is a 10-minute pillow fight to get those tensions out and have fun together. There are times when picking up your baby, or even your two or three year old and spinning him around is the ideal way to press the “reset” button on your interaction.  Of course with any type of physical play, and especially with spinning and tickling, you always want to check in with your child to make sure they’re actually enjoying themselves and having fun.  The idea here is to create connection, not to create laughter at any cost.  Physical play should be a trust BUILDING activity for you and your kids, but if you’re not tuning in to them, it can also damage trust.

5)    Forget yourself- Acting like you can’t remember things or are unable to understand things is a great way to create fun and laughter when you’re about to lose it.  Just try giving in to your desire to turn off your brain, but let your kids revel in the joy of being smarter, having a better memory, and generally being more mentally acute than you are right now.  You’ll be amazed at how willing they’ll be to help YOU into the car, rather than the other way around.

I would love to know if any of these strategies have worked for you.  Please share your experience in the comment box below.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

When I discovered “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman my world was turned upside down…in a good way.  Chapman’s theory is that there are five primary love languages and that each of us tends to have one language we give and receive love in the most often and the most easily.  He says that often people are trying to express love, but those efforts are not getting received as love by the other person.  This struck a chord for me particularly in my relationship with my dad.

After learning more about these five languages, I began to realize that although I had spent much of my life thinking that my dad didn’t love me as deeply as I wanted him to, in reality, he’d been loving me all along, I just hadn’t recognized his efforts as love!

Because my primary love languages match up well with my Mom’s (physical touch and quality time), it was easy for me to feel loved by her.  We often shared hugs, snuggled on the couch, and hung out talking.  But since my dad’s primary love language is acts of service, I hadn’t been receiving his love as easily.  For me, doing a project together just didn’t feel like love.

When I realized this I began to look back at my relationship with my dad through the years and I started to recognize all the hundreds of times my dad was showing me love and I hadn’t received it.  All the science projects, the rides to dance class, piano lessons, and softball practice, the times he helped out at my school, painted my bedroom, and took me shopping.  In a way, all those things had been my dad’s version of big warm hugs!

So how can you be sure that your loved ones are receiving all the love you’re offering?  I recommend identifying your love languages and those of your family members and then making an effort to give and receive love in the languages of the people you adore.

First, think about yourself, when do you feel most loved?  And, what do you complain about when you’re not feeling loved?  What might your primary love language be?  Now, consider your child, children, or partner (or all!) and see if you can guess what his or her primary love language could be.

The five languages are:

Physical Touch

Gifts

Acts of Service

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Finally, make a list of ideas of new ways you can show love to your child or partner that they can easily and naturally receive.  Also, include a few things that especially feel like love to you that you will share with your family members so that they can offer you love in just the way you most enjoy receiving it.  Now watch how all your relationships will flourish!  It’s amazing how a simple act of speaking someone else’s language can bring you all so much closer together.

I’d love to hear about how it goes.  Please share a comment below!

Have a great week, Shelly

Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender.  You have to be.  If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly!  Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is.  Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins.  But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already.  I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed.  And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth.  As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.”  Boy am I grateful for that CD!  Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa!  You’re ONLY 5 months?  You’re HUGE!”  But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth.  No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next.  And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years!   Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument.  They would go back and forth on a specific issue for a while and then when one of them was clearly proven “right” the other person would say, “Honey, you were right and I was wrong.”   My jaw would drop open in disbelief because they had been so adamant just moments before about their own position.  But when one would make that declaration to the other, I could feel the tension drain from the room.  I could see the “victor” completely relax and enjoy the victory, and the vanquished, gracefully accepting his or her defeat.  It was a beautiful moment of surrender.

Now in general, I tend to shy away from notions of “right” and “wrong” as much as possible because I often find the concepts of right and wrong to be very polarizing and upsetting.  But in the case of my mom and step-dad, through their ability to surrender, they found a way to honor one another’s opinion and remain connected.

I wonder if you’d be willing to practice this art with your kids this week.  Certainly there will be times when setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is what’s called for, but this week, keep an eye out for the times when a graceful surrender could be the most connecting choice.

I’d love to hear all about your experiences of the art of surrender.  Please share some with me in the space below.

Thanks!  And have a wonderful day, Shelly

Wow, I really don’t want to write a blog today.  I can feel myself resisting, procrastinating, and trying to find anything else to occupy my time.  Sound familiar?  Whether it’s dishes, laundry, taxes, a project for work, or just getting off the couch to get some exercise, we all have the tendency to procrastinate.

So, why do we stare in disbelief when after the 10^th time of reminding our kids to put their shoes on and get out the door, they’re still reading or playing with their toys?  I’m pretty sure we’re engaged in a double standard here.  We have a specific agenda that we’d like them to agree to, but they haven’t actually agreed.  So instead of outright resisting, they procrastinate.  Or sometimes they actually physically resist, and often they verbally resist.

But here’s the thing about resistance, what we resist persists.  You don’t just go away and stop asking them to put their shoes on.  And neither do they stop asking for the toy they saw on television, or for a trip to the ball game.

What can we do without giving in to every whim of our child’s but also without resisting?  And how can we invite our kids to accept and embrace what we’re asking for, rather than resisting it?  I think empathy is a key here.  When I offer empathy to a kid who’s procrastinating, often, before I know it, he’s doing exactly what I asked.  I suspect that’s because I didn’t resist what was actually happening in the moment.

It’s easy to get frustrated that things aren’t going the way we’d like.  But this week, practice “being a yes” to whatever is happening.  When we can accept the present moment for exactly what it is (rather than wishing it were something else) things will often shift more quickly.  And we’re teaching our kids that getting mad about it doesn’t change the outcome, instead, accepting what’s actually happening (instead of resisting it) often gets better results and almost always is more fun and generally easier.

So, instead of resisting when June wouldn’t put her shoes on, I consciously tried not to force the issue, nor did I get frustrated with her procrastination.  Instead, I said something like, “Wow, it’s time to go and I asked you to put your shoes on 15 minutes ago.  It looks like you are enjoying the book you’re reading so much that you lost track of time.  OK, well I’ll be waiting in the car and we’ll leave when you have your shoes on.  By the way, you’re welcome to bring your book with you to the doctor’s office.”

What if she retorts with, “But I don’t WANT to go to the doctor, I HATE going to the doctor”.  Empathy again.  “I hear you.  Going to the doctor is no fun.  In fact maybe it’s even a little scary.  Are you concerned you might have to get a shot?”  “Yeah, the last time we went, I got a shot and it really hurt!”  “Yes, shots do hurt.  Well, hopefully you won’t need a shot today.  I don’t know for sure, but I’m wondering, is there anything that would help you feel better about going to the doctor today?”  “Ice cream?!”  “Hmmm, so you think some ice cream would help you feel better.  Well, let’s get going and we can talk more in the car about what will help you feel good about going to the doctor.”

At this point, I would come up with some alternate ideas of things that might help her feel better, especially if ice cream is a strategy I don’t feel good about.  I might suggest singing some songs or some extra hugs and downtime afterward.  And then the two of us would come up with a strategy that we can agree on.  Because throughout the exchange I never resisted her thoughts, ideas, or suggestions, but accepted them and put real consideration into what she shared, she’s willing to work with me to figure out something that will work for both of us.  This is an example of practicing a “power with” vs. a “power over” approach to parenting.  I’ll write more about “power with” and “power over” in future blogs.

Have a wonderful week and I hope to see you again here next week!  Warmly, Shelly

First of all, I’d like to introduce my newest audio program:

8 Steps to Connected Parenting

For those of you who want a quick, easy guide to some of the most important aspects of creating connection with your kids, I’ve recorded 8 Steps to Connected Parenting, my audio guide to Conscious Parenting 101.  You can check out this audio program (only available in MP3 download) here: http://www.awakeparent.com/8steps/

Although this 45 min. audio program is easily worth $20, I’ve decided to offer it for just $8 because I’m hoping you’ll love it, find it very useful, and tell all your friends about AwakeParent.com.

To give you a taste of what this audio program is about, I’ll share one of the steps with you now…Step 5: Check in and Get Curious

Getting curious is one of the most effective ways to invite people to share their inner worlds with you.  When we’re genuinely curious we ask interested questions and people (including children) are compelled to talk with us about what’s going on inside them.

One question to avoid when you want to start a dialogue is “why”.  “Why” puts children into conceptual thought and doesn’t get to the heart of the matter.  Now besides their initial problem, they’re being asked to figure out the reasons for their discomfort and that only leads to more anxiety and upset.

Instead of asking why, try asking questions about what happened, how she’s feeling, or what sensations she’s noticing in her body.  Repeat back what she tells you and ask her to confirm that you’ve gotten it right.   This reflection allows kids to correct you if you’re off track and lets them know that you’re really listening and understanding what they’re telling you.

After you’ve repeated and gotten confirmation that you’re hearing your child accurately, ask, “what else?”  This phrase is an invitation for whatever else your child wants to share.

Here’s an example of a conversation between John and his mom who is curious and reflective.

M:  “So John, how are you feeling?”

J:  “I don’t know,” looks away.

M:  “Are you feeling upset?”

J:  “Yeah, I guess”

M:  “So, you’re feeling pretty upset, huh?”

J:  “Well, actually, I’m mad at Tom”

M:  “Oh, you’re mad at Tom. Is that right?”

J:  “Yeah.”

M:  “What else?”

J:  “Well, he said he’s not my friend anymore and that hurt my feelings.”

M:  “Oh, so when Tom said he’s not your friend anymore, your feelings were hurt.”

J: “Yeah.”

At this point Mom might acknowledge John’s feelings, letting him know that it’s OK to feel what he feels and she’s glad he’s shared his inner world with her.  This lets John know that his feelings matter and it’s OK to feel exactly what he does. He learns that his mom cares about him and is available to empathize with him.  She may ask more questions about what happened with Tom, but she’s careful not to push John or to be overly invasive. She maintains her genuine curiosity throughout the exchange, but is able to let go when John is finished sharing.

Sometimes it’s challenging to remain curious.  For instance, if we already think we know what happened, we might assume a child is being deceptive if her story doesn’t match up with what we think we know.  But if we can remain curious, and really try to understand her point of view, rather than asserting our own, we become a LOT more available for connection and kids naturally feel more safe, secure, and willing to share.  Letting go of our assumptions is a huge key to getting in touch with genuine curiosity.

I’m super curious about your own experiences with checking in and getting curious and how it has created connection (or not) for you.

Please share some of your experiences, or ask follow up questions below.  I read every single comment and try to respond to most of them.  I really appreciate you being here and hope to see you here week after week.

Have a wonderful day, Shelly

One of my biggest challenges as a parent is trying to find ways not to take it personally when my child blames me for his unhappiness. Sometimes, it’s easier than others. For example, when I  hear, “You’re so mean!”, it’s easy for me me to remember that this is all part of the parenting mix. It’s harder when he does things like vigorously reject my home-cooked food.

I don’t know whether “You’re so mean” rolls off my back because I’ve heard it so many times lately (whenever my son doesn’t get what he wants), and thus am getting used to it but somehow, I’ve been able lately to keep a calm heart in the face of “You’re so mean”,  and offer up empathy guesses into feelings and needs:

“Ah–are you saying you’re angry because you’re not getting what you want?”

“Yeeahhhh.”

Whew. That I can hang with! And it also helps take the edge off his upset. In fact, whenever I can remember to tune in deeply to my son, and help him feel heard and understood, his anger dissipates, and least a bit.

I think if I could remember each and every time I hear something personal, to tune into the feelings and needs underneath, I’d probably be a lot more peaceful.

As it is, what comes up for me sometimes is, well, taking it personally. And then fighting accordingly. This is especially easy to do when I get called a name. For a period of weeks, when my son was unhappy, he’d shout, “Stink!”, which I think was meant to be a noun, as in, You are a “stink,” an unpleasantly-scented thing…like a piece of poop for example.

Often, my feelings get hurt when my son calls me names, especially if it’s a really “mean” tone of voice. When I can be vulnerable and say “Ouch,” I’ve even heard “I don’t care!” sometimes in response. I find that once I start to take something personally, it becomes hard to climb out of that vortex. Similarly, if I can remember to tune into what he’s really feeling and needing, that one step creates a sort of ladder up and out of the taking-it-personally vortex (TIPV).

I think in those moments I am really needing appreciation and support for how hard it is to be a parent, in particular since my divorce, and how vulnerable I can feel, even when things are going well.  I might be smiling, but I’m still am an inch away from the TIPV.

Sometimes, during down times, I have experimented with saying to my son, “It’s hard to do everything myself–I would really like some cooperation.” Even if he chooses not to do what I want during that moment, I feel better about the quality of our connection. I often find that if I wait a few minutes, he jumps up and starts to help of his own accord, rather than if I try to make him do something on my timetable.

The hardest thing for me is when he rejects or gets demanding around food. Maybe it’s being a Jewish mother, but for me, food is love, and when I don’t receive the gratitude I crave, it feels like a sock in the gut, and I’m down in bowels of the vortex.

Hmm.

Maybe next time I’ll go all out and exaggerate that feeling and see what happens, instead of proclaiming loudly, “ALL I want to hear is THANK YOU!” while silently cursing the irony of being a gourmet chef with a son who eats only seven food items, five of them white.

At least if it I still go down the TIPV, I’ll have a nice dinner to nurse while I sulk.

What about you, do you ever have to deal with getting sucked into the TIPV? If so, what are some ways you handle it, or might like to handle it?

Warmly,

Jill