And I think all of that is perfectly OK and natural for a new parent. It’s a lot of hard work to nurture an infant and it felt perfectly right for me to throw myself into motherhood so fully and completely. But now that I’m emerging from the haze of my daughter’s infancy I’m reminded that it’s my commitment to my highest values that will most positively impact her life.

So, if I value authentic relating and community, then I’d better step up and start acting like it again! After I gave birth to my daughter I was amazed at how little anything else mattered any more. It was like everything that had mattered the most in my life was reduced to a tiny sliver of importance and my daughter took up 99.9% of everything that mattered to me. I can feel that shifting now.

Sure, my family is HUGELY important to me. And nurturing and supporting my husband and daughter are some of the things that matter most. But there’s a new space opening up in me that still cares about the things that mattered BEFORE parenthood. Community. Authenticity. Honesty. Facing my fears bravely. Showing up BIG in my life. Fiercely supporting my clients to make big changes in their lives.

I’ve been gone for a while. I’ve been doing what I’ve needed to do to lay a strong foundation of love and trust between my child and me. But I’m ready to step out of my comfortable little nest and make an even bigger difference in the world. It’s important to me that I continue to learn, grow, and stretch. Because reaching out and challenging myself gives me a sense of purpose and joy. I also deeply want my daughter to live a passionate and inspired life. And I know that the best way to ensure that is to model it for her, myself.

So, fair warning, I’m about to bust out and share even more of myself with you and with the world. Goodbye ‘New Parent Social Isolation’ and Hello World!

I would love to know if this was your experience of the first year of your child’s life. Did you hibernate? And was there a time when you suddenly felt ready to re-engage socially? I want to hear your story!

Tons of love, Shelly

The bad news is it’s completely up to you to set the tone of your household and to maintain your commitment to having a peaceful and loving home life.  The good news is, your children WILL follow your lead easily and naturally.

I have a whole curriculum on this topic which is under development and it’s way too much to go into today, but I wanted share the tip that has made the  biggest difference for the parents I’ve worked with.

Conspiring with your family to lavish one another with acts of kindness. 

This one activity can completely change the energy of your home from competition and animosity to collaboration and kindness.   So how do you begin?

First, consider each member of your family and come up with a nice thing you and your child or children can do for them.  At first it’s helpful to make a list so that you can keep track of the kind acts you plan to infuse into your home.  After you’ve gotten some momentum going, these kinds of acts will become second nature and will happen spontaneously and often in your home, even without your direct participation.  Your list might look something like this:

• Attack Dad with hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s” on Sunday morning
• Make a crown and magic wand for Rachel and then do her bidding for 15min.
• Tell Jason 3 things we appreciate about him
• Cheer for Dad when he gets back from his run
• Let Connor choose his favorite dinner
• Pretend to be a magic genie and give Claire three wishes
• Take out the trash for Jason (or do another chore for him)
• Read a story to Claire
• Hide a surprise gift for Connor in his closet
• Pick flowers and arrange them for Mom
• Play basketball with Connor and Rachel
• Send a thank you note to Grandma

Once you have a good-sized list of acts of kindness, breathe and relax and remember that your family will help you do these things.  You are not alone and it’s not your job to DO all of these things.  Your work is to come up with some initial ideas and help your whole family implement them.

Next, choose an item on the list and go to one or more of your children to begin to conspire with them to offer this act of kindness.  This might sound something like this:

“Hey Jason, are you busy right now?  I have an idea of something sweet we can do for Claire.  Would you like to help me pamper her?”  If your child isn’t interested, that’s OK, just go to another family member and ask.

You may want to begin by lavishing the child who is in the most distress or who exhibits the most animosity toward others.  Remember that picking fights or lashing out is an indicator that your child is needing something.  So, by offering your love, kindness, and generosity to the child who seems to deserve it least, you’re doing a couple of things.

First, you’re modeling for your whole family how you’re committed to treating one another, no matter what THEY DO.  You are lavishing your child with love and affection for being his wonderful self even after he has lashed out at his sister because you know that he is innately good and kind, he has just temporarily lost his ability to show it.

Second, you’re nurturing a person who clearly needs your love and attention,  and you’re teaching your whole family to see unkind outbursts as a signal of need, rather than something to be punished for or retaliated against.

This sets up a positive cycle in your home in which negativity and hurtfulness are quickly bombarded with loving attention.  And amazingly, giving love to your reactive child can actually eradicate the underlying unmet needs and allow the child to regain his own sense of kindness and generosity.

I’m curious, have you ever tried anything like this before?  How did it go?  Do you have questions or concerns about implementing this?  Please leave me a comment below.

And have a fantastic day, Shelly

I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is.  Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening.  Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.

Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage.  We absolutely love spending time just the two of us.  So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap.  Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.

I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids.   That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.

In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am.  So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter.  If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations.  It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!

So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids?  If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values?  I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids.  Please leave me a comment.

Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly

P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible.  Seriously, these guys are the real deal.

We each make choices about which words we’ll use to describe our lives every single day.  Don’t we all have a friend who almost constantly whines and complains?  Or know someone who uses language that is offensive to us?  I do my best to be hyper aware of my language and which words I choose to use.   I want to use words that are empowering and inspiring as much as possible, especially around my daughter.

When I first became aware of my word choices and their power, I noticed that I apologized a LOT.  I said “I’m sorry” dozens of times a day. I also discovered that I was afraid to speak up, worried about taking up too much space, and I rarely expressed myself very powerfully.  In a way, I was apologizing for my very being!  But it didn’t feel very good, so I systematically trained myself to stop apologizing habitually, and now I only apologize when I really mean it.

As I continued to explore consciously choosing my words, I realized there was a very specific word that I actually despise.  The word is “should.”  Every time I heard the word “should” I was reminded of other people’s expectations for me, and all the times I had been externally motivated.  I realized that I had been living my life to please other people, but I wasn’t really enjoying it at all! So I began working to develop a strong internal motivation, a clear inner sense of yes and no,  and I abolished the word “should” from my vocabulary.

My friends and I worked together to remind one another when “should” crept back into our language by stopping and saying, “Did you just ‘should’ on me?!”  Bringing a little bit of humor to our mission to abolish “should” made it a fun game that we could all play together.  And it really helped to have the support of people who were all committed to conscious word choices.  By the way, if you want an easy and empowering word replacement, try “could” instead of “should.”  It works almost all of the time!

Now that I’m a mom, I’m reminded yet again how important it is to be aware of the words we use when we talk to our kids.  Of course tone of voice, affect, and energy are often even more important than word choice.  But I still think it’s worthwhile to pay attention to the words we use.

After all, our kids will surely parrot those words back to us, and who really wants their 4 year old saying, “Mommy, you should eat your vegetables before your chocolate.”  Personally, I would much rather hear someone ask me if I would or could, rather than telling me that I should.  Don’t the young people in our lives deserve that same respect from their elders?  I sure think so!

I would love to know what you think about the word “should” and it’s impact on young people.  Please share your opinion or story below!

Thanks for being here and have a great day, Shelly

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable.  Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1)     Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be.  For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops.  As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2)    The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end.  You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end.  Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3)    Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are.  Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4)   Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions.  The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES!  And…”  So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday.  The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas.  Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5)    Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month.  It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting.  I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

I don’t know about you, but becoming aware of exactly what is happening in my financial life is challenging for me.  Recording my spending and then analyzing it is frightening.  Creating and sticking to a budget feels foreign, and planning our financial future feels like sitting at the bottom of a very deep well and inching my way up brick by brick.  And then there’s the issue of increasing our income and decreasing our bottom line.  So now I’m hyperventilating.  Well, not really, but you get my point.

But the thing is, if we don’t pay attention to our finances, we will continue to live paycheck to paycheck, never really saving for our future, and as retirement approaches we’ll be up a creek without a paddle.  On the other hand, if we take a good look at our finances and bring the light of awareness to our earning, spending, saving and such, we actually have the ability to set goals and strive for them.

And if there’s one thing I know from years and years of personal development, it’s that setting a goal is the quickest way to make a change.  When we strive for things, we can often achieve much more than we would otherwise.

Now here’s the kicker, if we turn away from the responsibility of our financial future, we’re not just hurting ourselves anymore, we’re hurting our children too.  And not just because we can’t provide the things we want to give them.  I mean sure, it’ll be nice to know that we can actually afford to buy our kids healthy food and fun toys, or maybe we plan to save up for their college education.  But the real disservice comes in our children’s dysfunctional relationship to money.

We are always teaching our kids.  No matter how much we’d like to pretend they’re not learning things unless we intend to teach them, the truth is, they’re absorbing our relationship to money.  They will use our financial health as a template on which to build their own beliefs about money.

That’s not to say that they’ll be the same as we are.  Some kids grow up in poverty, don’t like it, and go on to become millionaires.  Others grow up in decadence, never learning the value of hard work or the need to earn money, and end up in poverty.  Still others consciously choose one road or the other, or something in between.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we have a unique opportunity to help our children develop a healthy relationship to money.  But first, we have to start by healing our own relationships to it.  After we’ve examined our thoughts, beliefs, and actions around money and taken responsibility for our finances, we can teach our children to do the same.

I’m guessing we’ve all had the experience of telling our children no when they ask for something in line at the grocery store.  But I’m curious how we will tell them no and what message about money they will get from that.  Is it because “we can’t afford it” or because “we don’t choose to spend our hard earned money on candy” or will we remind them of that great vacation we’re saving up for?  I wonder how we can make our conversations about money inspiring, informative, and age appropriate for our children.

This week, take a good hard look at your financial wellbeing.  Are there areas that need your attention?  If all that’s already handled (is it ever really all handled?), then set some financial goals.  Finally, ask yourself, how will I teach my children about the beauty, wonder, and challenges of money this week?

Oh! And have a wonderful Mother’s Day

Love to you all, Shelly

Well hello, 21st century.  In this day and age, we are lucky if our kids can look up from their iPhones to tell us how their day went.  With a constant flux of new inventions and technologies to make our lives “easier,” we are spending more and more time away from our families.  But there is at least one time of the day that can be set aside from the hustles, bustles, and stresses that encompass our lives. Meal time is a natural choice.  We all have to eat, and as a naturally social species, we like to do so with other people.  However, traditional family dinners are dwindling and quickly becoming unconventional. Taking forty five minutes to an hour out of your day to eat as a family has great nutritional and social benefits.  Most importantly, it will create a more permanent bond with your children.

Move Over Happy Meal: Good Nutrition is in Town

Many studies have proven that children and adolescents who eat at least one meal together as a family are less likely to be obese or substance abusers in adulthood.  Furthermore, those that eat fruits and vegetables as adolescents are more likely to eat them regularly during adulthood.   Making healthy decisions for your family’s meals have long lasting impacts. Although a seven course meal covering every triangle of the food pyramid is a luxury affordable by only a lucky few, you can promote good nutrition without spending hours in the kitchen.  For those days where you are pressed for time, pick up a lean rotisserie chicken and a bag of chopped lettuce from your grocery store.  Get your significant other and children involved as well.  Have them toss the salad and do the dishes.  Anything is better than a quick trip to a fast food restaurant on your way home, followed by dinner in front of the television.

Talk About Your Day: Befriend Your Children

If you want your kids to come to you with their problems in their adolescent years, you have to start building a connected relationship from childhood.  Family dinners are a good time to develop this relationship.  Showing interest in their day, listening to their opinions, and valuing them can build deeper trust between parents and their children.  Show your kids that they can come to you even when times get tough. Most importantly, listen to what they have to say.  Although at times their ideas may sound outlandish or irresponsible, be sure to listen to why they want to do that something. Do not dismiss their ideas or plans at the forefront.  This is important for their personal development and self-esteem.

As children become adolescents, it can become difficult to convince them that eating together is important.  However, by making family dinner a fun, carefree event rather than a chore, you may have more luck as the teenage years creep up on you.  If this fails, tell them 45 minutes together is all you ask.  No smartphones, no television, no computers, just togetherness and good nutrition.

Mutual respect is an important factor in the child-parent relationship.  Family dinners are a good time to show that you respect your child’s opinions and ambitions.  Furthermore, eating healthy food together can help your children develop smarter dietary habits.  Plus, good eating habits builds healthier immune systems.  This translates to minimal doctors visits and countless savings!  Protect your wallet and your family by eating at least one meal together every single day.

This guest post is contributed by Kitty Holman, who writes on the topics of nursing colleges.  She welcomes your comments at: kitty.holman20@gmail.com.

The problem is that when someone is willing to help me, I actually have to be able to accept that help.  I’m better at it now, but receiving hasn’t always been easy for me.  Sure, I was good at receiving physical gifts, but I wasn’t so great at receiving compliments or acts of service from my friends and family.  I used to energetically push those gifts away by minimizing, deflecting, or reassuring people that I had everything handled.

And then I had an epiphany.  I realized that just as I love to help, so do other people.  I noticed that when I was able to contribute to someone else’s wellbeing, my heart sang and then my heart immediately sank as I remembered all the times that I had been unwilling to receive help and support from others.  Now I know that when I reach out for help and graciously receive it, I am actually giving a gift to the helper.  They get to feel the joy and fulfillment of knowing that they’ve contributed to me!  That one tiny realization has completely changed my relationship to both giving and receiving.

This week take stock of all the times you’ve pushed away the help and support of your friends and family.  Really take some time to feel the heaviness and pain of having refused their generosity and kindness.  After you’ve felt the impact of that, figure out your particular style of pushing away the contributions of others and resolve to become a more skilled receiver.

You may tell your friends that it’s difficult for you to receive compliments but you’d like to get better at it and then practice by taking a deep breath and saying “thank you.”  If your habit is to refuse help when it’s offered, practice saying yes more often.  And if your tendency is to keep it together, try calling a friend for support the next time you cry.

You might feel vulnerable and exposed as you practice receiving, but that’s kind of the point.  I’ve found that the more I share and expose myself, the more intimate my connections become.  And, the more intimate my connections are, the more I can relax knowing that I have friends and loved ones who love me for exactly who I am on the inside (and not just what I project on the outside).

But, that’s probably a whole other blog post.  So for now, practice receiving and report back!  I would love to hear how it goes.  Have a great week, Shelly

You’re probably wondering how they know that, right?  Well, researchers created a hugely complex map of the interactions between specific people and those they’re connected with.  It was a jumble of names and arrows of different colors indicating the types of relationships.  Some people were related, others were friends or co-workers.

Out of all the data they collected, the most statistically significant finding was that happiness spreads through the map faster than the common cold.  So it looks like when you’re happy, your happiness spreads to those you come into contact with, who then share it with other people you may not have even met.  Your happiness can have a positive effect on people up to four degrees of separation from you!

With that in mind, consider the impact your happiness has on your family, and the impact theirs has on you.  This week, put some special focus on doing the things that bring you joy so that you can not only experience happiness but you can also spread it to the people you love.  And begin to notice how your child’s laughter can spread through your household like wildfire.  What can you do this week to foster joy and laughter in your home?

We’ve all experienced the contagious effects of a good belly laugh.  Recently, I keep seeing flyers for “laughter yoga” and I think to myself, wow, my home is like daily laughter yoga!  Between my hilarious husband and my adorable baby, I can hardly escape the extreme state of joy that spreads through my life.  But if you’re not laughing daily (and you’re not alone there), consider taking some drastic action. Go to a laughter yoga class, watch a funny movie, smile at yourself in the mirror, or spin around in circles.  Do whatever you have to do to bring more happiness into your life.

But watch out, because often the things we THINK bring us happiness are not the things that actually make us happy.  Studies have also shown that we tend to think that more money, more possessions, and more leisure time will bring us more happiness when in fact those things are not correlated to increased happiness at all.

So a little reminder, the greatest factor current research can find to increase happiness is connecting with other happy people.  Who are your most joyful friends?  Which family members make you smile?  And what do you need to do to be sure that you and your kids are exposed to those people on a regular basis?

I would love to hear all about your experiences with the contagious quality of happiness.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a joyful week, Shelly

OK, so you know the principle of Occam’s razor?  It’s the one that states that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.  Well, so far, it’s been showing up in my world as a new parent.  Here are some examples:  1) Which is simpler, that my husband purposely hid my fork from me or that I inadvertently tossed it into the sink and forgot about it? 2) Which is simpler, using a host of stain fighting concoctions to get the poop stains out of my cloth diapers or just putting them out in the sun for an hour? 3) Which is simpler, applying lots of special creams to my baby’s butt to get rid of diaper rash or just letting her little toosh get some air a few times a day?

I’m finding it absolutely amazing how time and again, the simpler solution is the better one!  It reminds me of a book I read years ago called “The Simple Living Guide” that offered lots of simple, easy solutions to all aspects of our ever more complicated lives.  If I recall correctly the author even wrote about things like getting rid of stuff so that you’d have less to organize and keep track of.

I love the principle of simplifying on many levels.  Physically, it makes life easier to own only 6 or 8 plates instead of 20.  I have less to store, less to get dirty, and less to clean.  Psychologically I feel more at ease and more comfortable when my home is clean, organized, and more sparsely furnished.  Financially, I save money when I choose not to buy the newest latest and greatest gadget or toy.  Environmentally, I’m helping to save the planet by reducing my ecological footprint every time I stay home, work from home, cook at home, or don’t order something from another continent.

And when I think back to my experience working in a preschool classroom, I remember that when we teachers took the time to organize just a few thoughtful activities, the children were more relaxed, engaged and comfortable than they were if we tried to introduce a whole bunch of new exciting stuff all at once.

So, this week, take some time to consider how you can simplify your home and your life.  Try removing toys, rather than adding new ones and see how your child  responds differently to the toys he can now see and experience (instead of having to dig through a huge bin full of stuff).  Organize things into bins and stash them in the garage, then pull them out in a month and rotate your child’s toys.  Consider donating some items to a thrift store or having a yard sale.  You may even try clearing off the tables, countertops, and other horizontal surfaces of your home and notice how much more calm you feel as a result.

I hope you enjoy simplifying your life as much as I do!   And I’d love to hear how it goes, so please let me know.