Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

But attunement is not simply empathy for another person’s emotional experience.  It’s an energetic matching game.  We may feel the sadness, but we’re not really attuning unless we’re matching the physical and non-physical energy of the person we’re with.  Attunement is the ultimate connection.  It’s a joining and sharing of an experience, an experience of oneness.

I often feel this oneness while nursing my daughter or in playful moments when she’s on the changing table or when we’re rocking in the rocking chair and she relaxes, resting her whole body against mine.  Connection through attunement is incredibly important for secure attachment to happen.  And, the oneness can’t happen all the time.  In fact, it would feel awfully strange to even attempt to experience attunement for an entire day.

We need connection, and we need separation too.  In fact, it’s the dance between connection and separation that makes our human experience so rich and dynamic.  We may experience a beautiful moment of attunement and later we’ll each go off by ourselves to have some solitude.  It’s an ebb and flow like so many other things in life.  And each part is just as important as the other.

Right now I’m reading a really interesting novel told from a five-year-old boy’s point of view.  The thing I find so fascinating about it is how accurate the author is about the details of the thoughts and emotions the little boy experiences.  The boy has a favorite spoon he calls “meltedy spoon” and when I read the words “meltedy spoon” I am instantly transported back into the classroom with 3-5 year olds.  What a perfect example of really attuning to the mind of a five year old.

This week, pay special attention to the moments of attunement that you share with your child and then consciously allow your child to separate from you when he’s ready.

Instead of hovering over him at the park, intruding on his playtime, bring a book and let him have his own experience.  Then, after an especially fun moment, he might just run over to you and excitedly share what happened.  That’s your opportunity to put the book down, make eye contact, feel the excitement in your own body and attune with him.  Maybe you’ll even be inspired to jump up and run around with him for a while.

But again, as soon as you notice him going off on his own, resist any urge you might have to follow, and go back to your book instead.  By allowing your child to determine the length of the cycle between attunement and separation, you’re reassuring him that you’re available when he needs you, but you’re not going to interrupt his flow.

If, on the other hand, your tendency is to encourage your child to play on her own more often so that you can do your adult activities, then your challenge this week is to really stop, drop what you’re doing, and attune to your child when she reaches out for connection.  Remember, that means matching her energy.  So, if she’s slow and methodical, you’ll practice slowing down too.  And if she’s giggling and gasping for breath, see how much you can feel what that must feel like.  Pay attention to any sensations in your body as you practice attuning with your children.  Often, we can find new levels of empathy when we’re willing to try to step into our children’s shoes more fully.

I would love to hear about your own experiences of attunement and separation.  Is the natural ebb and flow easy or difficult for you?  Does your timing match up with your child’s?  And how do you feel when you notice your child coming toward you or moving away from you?

I hope you’ll all have a fantastic week, Shelly

Now that I have my own child, I definitely have more compassion for those moms.  It’s so hard to leave sometimes!  And when your little one is clinging to you and asking you to stay, I imagine it’s almost impossible to walk away.

But as my daughter and I have our first experiences of separation anxiety, I’m realizing that right now, I’m actually more upset than she is!  And after seeing lots of young kids freak out when their moms leave them at preschool, I know that I had better get a handle on my own separation anxiety now, so that I don’t transfer my upset to my beloved child.

So, I picked up Elizabeth Pantley’s “No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution” and I am really enjoying it.  Pantley says that separation anxiety for both parent and child is completely normal and natural and that it’s actually an indication of a strong and healthy attachment.  Whew!  What a relief!

OK, so now that I know that my upset is caused by my deep love for my child, I can relax a little bit and give myself some compassion.  I dearly, deeply love my daughter and want what’s best for her.  And intellectually I know that what’s best for her is to form and maintain ongoing relationships with several trusted adults and some peers.

But emotionally, sometimes I just want her all to myself.  There, I’ve said it.  So now it’s time to take stock.  And actually, I’m already making great progress in sharing her with other adults.  Her Grammy comes over twice a week, she has a Daddy day every week, and she spends several hours each week with our good friend who is a childcare professional.  She is starting to go on outings without me and so far it’s going well.

So in the moments when she needs me, I think it’s OK to go to her.  I’ve also been giving her more time by herself while I’m home and if she calls out  for me I simply call back, “Hey sweetie, I’m in here folding some laundry.  I’ll see you in a minute.”  If she gets upset, I go to her immediately, but often, just knowing that I’m nearby is enough to calm her.

Now that I think about it, I bet some of my separation anxiety comes from my own early childhood experience of going from my mom’s house to my dad’s house and back again every week.  No matter how happy I was to reunite with the parent I missed, I also had to say goodbye to a parent I loved dearly.  Hmmm, isn’t it amazing how our own experiences can color our experiences with our children?

I’m so curious, what have your experiences been with separation anxiety?  What helped you the most?  In Pantley’s book she shares a great idea about a magic bracelet that you fill with your love and send with your child to school or daycare.  I love that idea!  I also remember a children’s book about a mother raccoon (I think) giving her child a kiss on the palm that he got to take with him.  I think it’s so important to help children understand that our love stays with them even when they’re far from us.  And I guess I need to reassure myself that my daughter’s love stays too, even when she’s at her Grammy’s for the afternoon.

I hope you’re having a fantastic week.  Love, Shelly

Laughter is one of my favorite ways to release pent up emotions.  Sure, there are other ways like crying and anger release, but laughter is without a doubt the most fun emotional release for everybody in the household.

But how do you infuse your home with more joy and laughter?  I’ve got some ideas I’d like to share with you.

1) Be super silly- A young child’s sense of humor is fairly undeveloped which makes it fairly easy to make them laugh.  Doing something unexpectedly silly will often do the trick.  I like to put funny hats on, talk in an accent, dance around the room shaking my head and arms wildly or just act a little bit crazy.  Kids absolutely love it when we adults let loose and play with them in this way.  You’ll know you’re on the right track when they’re looking at you like you’re nuts or they’re smiling and laughing.

2) Be a clumsy clown- Acting clumsy is one of the quickest ways to get your kids laughing.  Be sure to do this safely, you don’t want to hurt yourself.  I like to fall over onto something soft like the bed.  Sometimes kids will join me because falling over produces some nice vestibular stimulation, which feels great!  Mostly they enjoy seeing that adults can stub their toes, bonk their heads, and fall over sometimes just like they do.  And if you really play it up, you’ll all be rolling on the floor in fits of laughter before you know it.

3) Be forgetful- Children love it when they’re the smartest and best-informed people in the room.  Playing dumb or forgetting where things are or how to do simple household tasks can be a blast for your child.  Acting discombobulated and confused is a great way to produce laughter because you are the butt of the joke.  This also addresses the innate power imbalance between parents and kids that many children notice and are disturbed by.  When we can take the time and make the effort to be the less powerful one once in a while it provides young people with a fun way to release their feelings about often being the less capable person in the mix.

4) Play a SAFE tickling game- Let me be clear, tickling a child until they can’t breathe is not any fun for the child.  In general I recommend against tickling as a way to induce laughter, but there is a way to play a tickling game that feels safe to your child.  The key is to let the child be in charge of the tickling.  When the young person gets to direct you to start and stop, they feel empowered and safe which makes it much more fun.  In this way, you and your child can work together to create a fun game.  Your job is to really watch and listen for your child’s “stop” signal and tickle in short bursts so that your child has an opportunity to catch his breath and ask you to go again or to stop.

I hope you’ll implement some of these ideas this week and I would love to hear about your own great ideas for how to increase the laughter in your home.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly

At first I felt offended and wondered if snot removal was all she thought I was good for.  And then I settled in to a deeper realization that motherhood is millions of acts of service, some enormous (like giving birth) and some small (like taking a slobbery apple core) but essentially, I will give of myself to the best of my ability for as long as my child needs me.  I also realized that I should enjoy this time when my child is small and needs me so much, because I know that one of the most challenging acts of service lies ahead–letting go.

So for now, I’ll try to enjoy being a human tissue and later I’ll do my best to be a wastebasket with a smile so that eventually when my child no longer needs me as fiercely, I’ll be able to let go with the fond memories of a time when she couldn’t even sit up or tie her shoes.

As I thought about it more I realized that I could be my child’s wastebasket in more than one way.  Sure, like every mother, I will have a plastic baggie full of garbage in my purse at all times.  But I can also be a receptacle for her emotional boogers and garbage too.

So, I made a commitment to her and to myself that I would be willing to hold space for her to feel whatever comes up, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it might seem.  I will listen to her cry and rage and spew venom, and I’ll do it gladly and with grace most of the time, I hope.

I’ve been watching the Showtime series Dexter, which is not recommended for the faint of heart.  It’s about a serial killer protagonist (I know, weird, huh?).  But the thing I’m enjoying the most about it right now is the moments during the series when Dexter feels seen by someone and not judged.

He describes a monster inside him, his dark passenger, but when someone accepts him fully, he doesn’t feel like such a monster.  I think that in a way we all feel like Dexter.  We each have things we don’t love about ourselves, dark secrets or past deeds we’re ashamed of.  But when we practice real unconditional love, we love and accept our children, and ourselves, even in the face of the “unacceptable”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I won’t set clear and appropriate limits and have understood standards of behavior in my household.  It’s just that within my boundaries there will be space for my daughter’s darkness, hurt, anger, and upset, just as I will always have a place for her to drop off her already chewed gum if there isn’t another wastebasket around.

I’m committed to being the best, most loving human tissue and wastebasket I can be for my daughter, and I invite you to join me.  Together we can create a more beautiful world in which all of the parts of ourselves can be loved and celebrated, not just the pretty parts.

I would love to hear about your own experiences of holding space for your child’s big emotions.  Please leave me a comment below!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

You’re probably wondering how they know that, right?  Well, researchers created a hugely complex map of the interactions between specific people and those they’re connected with.  It was a jumble of names and arrows of different colors indicating the types of relationships.  Some people were related, others were friends or co-workers.

Out of all the data they collected, the most statistically significant finding was that happiness spreads through the map faster than the common cold.  So it looks like when you’re happy, your happiness spreads to those you come into contact with, who then share it with other people you may not have even met.  Your happiness can have a positive effect on people up to four degrees of separation from you!

With that in mind, consider the impact your happiness has on your family, and the impact theirs has on you.  This week, put some special focus on doing the things that bring you joy so that you can not only experience happiness but you can also spread it to the people you love.  And begin to notice how your child’s laughter can spread through your household like wildfire.  What can you do this week to foster joy and laughter in your home?

We’ve all experienced the contagious effects of a good belly laugh.  Recently, I keep seeing flyers for “laughter yoga” and I think to myself, wow, my home is like daily laughter yoga!  Between my hilarious husband and my adorable baby, I can hardly escape the extreme state of joy that spreads through my life.  But if you’re not laughing daily (and you’re not alone there), consider taking some drastic action. Go to a laughter yoga class, watch a funny movie, smile at yourself in the mirror, or spin around in circles.  Do whatever you have to do to bring more happiness into your life.

But watch out, because often the things we THINK bring us happiness are not the things that actually make us happy.  Studies have also shown that we tend to think that more money, more possessions, and more leisure time will bring us more happiness when in fact those things are not correlated to increased happiness at all.

So a little reminder, the greatest factor current research can find to increase happiness is connecting with other happy people.  Who are your most joyful friends?  Which family members make you smile?  And what do you need to do to be sure that you and your kids are exposed to those people on a regular basis?

I would love to hear all about your experiences with the contagious quality of happiness.  Please leave me a comment!

Have a joyful week, Shelly

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem.  What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. In one, I had to rescue my infant from a hot car where she was locked inside. In another, I realized I had inadvertently let her slip under the water as we were taking a bath. Luckily, when I pulled her out of the water, I realized she had been holding her breath. What these dreams tell me is that even though I usually feel secure and confident about my parenting, a part of me fears that I could create irreparable damage to my child. And although I know this is a common fear that all parents experience, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

The truth is our children will face circumstances that may be difficult or painful and that we actually can’t control. So even in the moments when we’re being the absolutely best parents we can be, our kids can still get hurt or sick. I think that is the most unsettling part of being a parent. And ultimately we have to accept that we live in an imperfect world and we’re all just doing the best we can.

So how can we develop a stronger core belief that we are good parents even in the midst of the uncertainties of life?

Let’s start by acknowledging the moments when we’re at our best. Right now think of three of your favorite moments with your kids in the past week. Maybe there was a sweet snuggle, or a moment when you read that bedtime story for the third time in a row, or a time when you turned a potential power struggle into a fun game. Grab a notebook and write down these important reminders of the moments when you were the parent you wanted to be. And when fears arise, take a deep breath, remember that you and your child are safe, and put your attention on something you enjoy and appreciate about the now.

After all, it’s never really the things we worry about that end up happening anyway. And when all else fails, call your own mom (or a supportive friend) and let her tell you what a great parent you are.

Strategy #1 Whisper

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but it’s also like using reverse psychology. When you walk up and whisper in your child’s ear, they will be compelled to listen and become quiet themselves (so they can hear you). I’ve been shocked by how well this has worked in the classroom and in a house full of kids. I think it’s because no matter what it seems like, kids are always looking to the adult in charge to set the tone and when our example shows them that it’s quiet time, they often fall in line easily.

There also seems to be some magically contagious quality of sound level. Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a loud restaurant, you begin to speak loudly so that you’ll be heard, and pretty soon you look around and the entire restaurant full of people are yelling at each other? I’ve tried the opposite and begun to speak softly in a loud, crowded space and pretty soon, the people near me are speaking more softly too!

So the moral of this story is, you’re in charge of the sound level in your house and you don’t even have to enforce a strong policy, you can simply be quiet yourself, and quietly remind your kids to do the same.

Strategy #2 Get empathy elsewhere and give empathy to your kids

It is amazing how much easier it is to cooperate with someone who genuinely cares what your experience is. So, if you’re feeling frustrated and fed up, pull your spouse into the other room for a minute, or call a friend or family member and ask them if you can vent. Then just let it all out and allow another adult to support you through listening and empathy. You may even take a moment to give yourself some empathy. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling and needing right now?” Then, after you’ve regained some composure, consider what’s happening for your kids. What are they feeling and needing?

When you approach them, first offer some empathy, “Wow, this game is really fun for you right now isn’t it? And you really want to keep playing instead of getting ready to go.” Or “Hmmm, are you feeling grumpy because your sister wouldn’t share with you?” When kids realize that you understand what they’re going through, they are able to relax and cooperate much more easily. So, after you think your child feels heard, you can ask for what you’re wanting calmly.

Strategy #3 Let them know how upset you are by using a traffic light system

So you’re thinking, sure, I can empathize or whisper, but how will they know how angry I am about the broken lamp unless I yell? I like to use a traffic light analogy with kids to help them understand how I’m feeling when I don’t want to yell and scream or give them the silent treatment. Green light means we’re all having fun and everything’s great. Yellow light means I see a potential problem, I’m not feeling heard, or I need their attention immediately. Red light means if something doesn’t change very quickly we’re all in trouble because I’m about to lose my cool and I’m likely to dole out some consequences. In some cases I’ve drawn a traffic light on a card and colored in the appropriate light. Then, sometimes I don’t even have to say anything, I simply hold up the card and everyone in the room knows what my status is. The great thing about the cards is that they’re easy for anyone to use. So, often I see kids begin to use them with each other as a healthy way to express their upset without yelling or hitting one another. I often tell young people that if they get to a red light with each other, it’s time to find an adult to mediate. I know these strategies have helped me and my clients immensely. I’m curious how they will work for you. Please let me know or share another strategy you’ve discovered! Have a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

This week’s guest blog is from Jill:

Sometimes we think fighting is just “what kids (or adults) do,” rather than a way we engage when our needs aren’t getting met. I prefer to think of engaging peacefully as “what we do,” and that when we get off track, we can use a hand to get back to a place of connection.

I remember when my son was about three, his dad was in a bread-making phase. Sometimes I liked the results, and sometimes I didn’t. While at the local farmer’s market, my son and I found a particularly yummy loaf of walnut bread, and brought it home discreetly. When his dad saw it, he became incredulous.

“Bread??? You BOUGHT bread!?!?!?”

Canaan felt the tension here. I’ll never forget his response. He raised his body up, opened his arms to the two of us, and proclaimed,

“We all eat bread! There’s farmer’s market bread, and Da-da’s bread, and all kinds of bread to eat.”

Well, shall we let a thousand flowers bloom, or what?

I see this as his attempt to introduce a larger perspective, or “third side,” to his dad’s and my moment of polarization. Sometimes all this takes is showing up with a loving, aware presence.

I remember my stepmother discovering the term “triangualation” in the 80’s, and telling me it was “toxic.” She was referring to one person getting into, or in between two other people who were having a difficult time, creating a “triangle” of three people. Unfortunately, this was the only term in our universe at that time to describe a third person entering into an interaction with two others. There was no positive way to describe a third side to an entanglement.

Today, as a mediator and lifetime student of conflict resolution, I see many ways a third person can show up in a family and help to ease tensions for the other two or more people who are having a hard time to make things easier. This is something humans do intuitively, even when the results aren’t optimal. Kids do it, too, as my son demonstrated above.

Below I’ll outline some “business as usual” ways of intervening—examples from my own childhood, and what I still see around me—that don’t meet my needs for connection and respect. Then I’ll suggest some alternatives that do meet my needs for connection and respect.

Business-as-usual interventions

1 – Demand that the interaction stop. My sister and I used to get that a lot. “Would you kids just stop fighting!?”

2 – Interpret the scenario, and explain who deserves what.  “You grabbed the toy from her, so now you can wait until she finishes pummeling it.”

3 – Take over the interaction. “Okay, give me the toy, you obviously can’t share it peacefully. You can have it back in ten minutes.”

I can see any of these interventions as strategies for adults to find peace in the family. I’ve used some versions of these myself.

However, in the long run, since none of these relates to what’s going on inside the participants, or involves them in the decision-making process, I see them as merely directing traffic rather than connecting or empowering. Sometimes we do that just to get by. If we can supplant a significant part of our traffic direction with family mediation that connects and empowers, we can help to build trust and skills within our family so that the next time, the young ones (or the adults) may have more tools in their toolbox to work out the conflict themselves.

Here are some ways to intervene that do meet my needs for connection and respect:

1 – Say what you’re hearing said, and ask the other party to reflect it back. “I just heard Malika say she didn’t want to play that game any more—could you tell me what you heard her say?” Then give the other side equal time, and help the first person hear them, too.

2 – Say what you’re seeing or hearing, how you feel, what you need, and what you’d like. “When I hear the sound of your voices right now, I feel anxious. I need peace. Would you be willing to play in the other room, or at least keep your voices down if you want to stay in here? (In fairness, this is a lot harder than it sounds.)

3 – Guess at what each person is feeling. “Chong, it looks like you’re feeling sad. Are you wanting to play with Paulina and Sandip?” “Paulina, were you enjoying what you were doing, and having a hard time figuring out how to include Chong?”

4 – Ask for cooperation in a peaceful solution. “Joseph, would you be willing to let Sasha know when you’re done with the Wii? Sasha, would you like to help me with making the cookies until then?”

If you can do part of the above, you may be able to use your position as the “third side” of the conflict to change the tone of an interaction from antagonistic to respectful. And, like contention, even a little peace in a family can go a long way.

Please let us know how it works out!

And have a great week, Jill

Jill Nagle is the cofounder of Awakeparent.com, and former regular blogger. Currently, she blogs at Zendesk.com, works as a freelance writer and content strategist, and does family mediation with a focus on creative family structures. She works over the phone as well as in person. Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/thirdsidemediation

“Who, me?”

Right.  Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing?  Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what?  It comes out anyway.  And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment.  It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way.  It’s called compassion.  For them?  No, not yet.  For us.  You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids.  What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business.  What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material:  the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children.  In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way.  We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us.  Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid.  It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat.  This is exactly what is required of the awake parent.  “I am Awake!  I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!”  And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children.  It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions.

So, what causes harm?  You know already what causes harm.  But did you know how much harm we cause by denying what is really real and true for us?  I once wanted to throw my four-year-old through a plate-glass window!  Really.  I wanted to hurl her through it with all of my might.  I was tortured by guilt with this unwanted compulsion until I finally admitted it, along with what I thought was my insanity, to a thoroughly-seasoned mother of four (three of whom were grown).

Do you know what she did?  She laughed!  Here I was, in quiet desperation, telling her my deepest, darkest secret… and she laughed.  In fact, she said, “Yeah.”  That’s one word; one word that told me, “Honey, I have been there and I understand.  And know what else?  It’s NORMAL.”  Oh my gosh, the medicine she gave me in that laugh and that acknowledgment!

Afterwards, with my kids I was no longer afraid of my rage.  It wasn’t being denied anymore, and therefore it didn’t need to build up anymore either.  Once deadset against raising my voice even the slightest bit with them, I could now scream if I wanted to:  “Aaaah!  I feel like I’m going to go crazy!  I’m going to explode!”

Do you know what my kids would do with that?  They’d back off.  They didn’t want me to explode.  And it wasn’t because they were afraid of me either.  It was because they actually loved me.  And they loved themselves.  And I sure loved them for their kindness in backing off also.  Believe it or not, in my commitment to my own radical honesty, we all became closer.

My goal was always to provide a peaceful, safe haven for my children to forever be able to come home to.  There were times when that included a good bit of noise, but still, it was always peaceful and it was always safe.  And they knew it.  Now, THANKS TO GRACE, these kids are free to express what’s alive in them too, without ever causing harm to another living soul.

Have a great week, Kheyala

Writer, Healer, Counselor

kheyala1@gmail.com