Wouldn’t it be great if we could just rewind our lives and have a do over whenever we wanted?  That’s one thing I appreciate about spending time with kids.  Children are almost always up for granting us a do over.  Most haven’t yet developed the ability to hold a grudge.  And even if they have, they’re often incredibly forgiving. It’s just one more lesson we can learn from the kids in our lives.

Yesterday I accidentally bonked my daughter in the nose as I was climbing into bed with her.  She started to cry and said “Bonk” through her tears. But then she reached out to me for comfort.  I apologized, we hugged, and it was as if the incident never happened.  In a way, she let me rewind and have a do over.  I was so grateful.

My husband and I sometimes give one another do-overs too.  I’ve been known to say, “Oops, that’s not what I meant to say, can I rewind please?”  He is often amazingly willing to forget the first statement and listen to the second.  This is a skill that requires a conscious effort to develop.

At least for me, it is often much easier to latch on to the thing my husband said that upsets me, rather than paying attention to the five things he said that were uplifting.  Do you do the same thing?

Luckily, he points it out to me when I’m overly focused on the negative.  And usually I’m able to let things go.  But it wasn’t always this way for me.  I’ve held my share of grudges, that’s for sure.  And when I think back to how it felt to hold that anger and frustration in my body, it felt really crappy.  I really do think it’s true that holding a grudge hurts us more than it hurts the person we’re angry with.

So I’m curious, are there any grudges that you’re willing to let go of this week?  Can you give your friend or loved one a do-over?  And if you’re not ready yet, what will it take for you to be able to let it go?

Watch out for the tendency to require that the other person do something differently in order to earn your forgiveness. The reality is that we can only change ourselves and our thoughts, never another person.

However, when I’ve been able to let go of my grudges and forgive my loved ones, I’ve been amazed at how differently they showed up afterward. The very person I thought was incapable of deep emotional connection actually invited ME to go deeper.  And the one I thought was cold and uncaring became so soft and sweet.

Somehow by accepting people just as they are, we activate such a pure state of love that the other person naturally gravitates toward our ideal vision of them.  Or maybe not, but that’s how I like to look at it.

Are there things you can love and accept about your children that will allow them to show up differently for you?  Let’s all give our kids, spouses, friends and family a do over this week.  Together we can change a sucky day into a lovely one.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me, Shelly

Learning to walk and talk are HUGE developmental milestones for a baby and with the new development comes an equally big emotional response.  Tears and frustration abound as we humans learn new skills and reach new levels of development.  And it’s not just babies who experience the emotional ride of learning new skills.  Children and adults of all ages have the same big feelings.  When we reach a goal, there’s often a big emotional high and an accompanying let down.

So, what do we do with those feelings of sadness and anger that go along with new accomplishments?  We can try to ignore them or shove them aside, but that sure hasn’t been working at our house.  I’d rather embrace the feelings and provide a safe space for my daughter to fully express all that she’s going through.

Amazingly, just last week, my little one learned how to roar like a lion and wow, it’s a really ferocious roar!  So my mom and I began to play a game with her where we pretend to be frightened by her roar.  She LOVES it!  It’s really one of the first times I’ve seen her expressing and enjoying her power, she completely lights up.  She roars again and again while we cower in mock fear.  “Oh no!  Don’t eat me!  I’m so scared,” can be heard often at our house these days.  Here’s a short video of the game:

Then last night it was bedtime.  And you guessed it, she didn’t want to go to bed.  I could tell she was getting agitated and she started to test my husband by hitting him.  She knows that hitting people isn’t allowed, but she wasn’t sure how else to express the anger and frustration bubbling up inside her.

So I redirected her hitting to the stuffed animals on her bed.  Before we knew it, my husband, daughter, and I were all throwing and hitting and jumping on the stuffed animals yelling, “Take that!” and “Aaarrgghh!”  We all had a blast and each of us got an opportunity to express any unexpressed anger or frustration.  I can’t even tell you how satisfying it was to slam that pink elephant into the wall.  It was truly liberating.  The best part was that after the anger release, she was tired and ready to wind down to sleep.

So the next time anyone at your house is whining or getting agitated, try playing a power game.  Sometimes, just having an appropriate outlet for anger, frustration, or powerlessness is all a child really needs.  And when offered a healthy way to release those feelings, kids can easily return to their usual kind and cooperative selves.

Wish me luck with the rest of toddler-hood, I have a feeling I’m going to need it!

Have a great week, Shelly

But there was something in the article that I did agree with. The author said that overcoming a challenge provides a boost in confidence for young people.  I agree entirely.  She also wrote about the fact that Chinese mothers are willing to spend hours and hours tutoring, drilling, and helping their children with challenging lessons.  And I began to wonder, are we western mothers willing to do the same?  Would I sit down with my daughter for as long as it took her to learn her multiplication tables?  To be perfectly honest, I had to answer “maybe.”

As I considered the subject further I realized that I do know lots of parents who I think rely too heavily on computers and television to teach their children.   What if we were to take our American ingenuity and work ethic and apply it to the job of teaching our kids?

Your challenge this week is to get down in the trenches with your child and really support him in the skill or ability he’s most struggling with.  By being physically present as he struggles, you’ll let him know that you’re there to support him.  You can encourage, help, and model for him, and then sit back and watch him work.  Try not to be too chatty as your child tries to concentrate, just be present and available to help if he asks.

If you’re not sure what skill your child is struggling with, then start by asking other people who know your child.  Often teachers or childcare providers can give you fascinating new insights into your child.  Next, observe your child for a day or so and finally, come up with a few activities you think your child can do, but that will be somewhat challenging.

Now the real fun begins.  Pay attention to the ways you encourage your child.  Notice the urge to do it for her as soon as she gets frustrated.  And make a commitment to help and support your child in learning to do it herself.  Remember that learning is a process that can take time, so don’t expect your child to master tying his shoes the first day.  Instead, expect the new skill to develop over a period of days and even weeks.

Also, be aware that many young people will revert after learning a new skill, especially if they are extra tired or upset about something.  Practicing patience and being a yes to whatever is happening will help you weather the storm together.  “Wow, you were able to do that yesterday, but today it seems even harder!  I believe in you.  I know you can do it.  And I’m here to help if you need me.”

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!  Please share your experiences with us by leaving a comment.

Have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

Strategy #1 Whisper

I know it’s counter-intuitive, but it’s also like using reverse psychology. When you walk up and whisper in your child’s ear, they will be compelled to listen and become quiet themselves (so they can hear you). I’ve been shocked by how well this has worked in the classroom and in a house full of kids. I think it’s because no matter what it seems like, kids are always looking to the adult in charge to set the tone and when our example shows them that it’s quiet time, they often fall in line easily.

There also seems to be some magically contagious quality of sound level. Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a loud restaurant, you begin to speak loudly so that you’ll be heard, and pretty soon you look around and the entire restaurant full of people are yelling at each other? I’ve tried the opposite and begun to speak softly in a loud, crowded space and pretty soon, the people near me are speaking more softly too!

So the moral of this story is, you’re in charge of the sound level in your house and you don’t even have to enforce a strong policy, you can simply be quiet yourself, and quietly remind your kids to do the same.

Strategy #2 Get empathy elsewhere and give empathy to your kids

It is amazing how much easier it is to cooperate with someone who genuinely cares what your experience is. So, if you’re feeling frustrated and fed up, pull your spouse into the other room for a minute, or call a friend or family member and ask them if you can vent. Then just let it all out and allow another adult to support you through listening and empathy. You may even take a moment to give yourself some empathy. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling and needing right now?” Then, after you’ve regained some composure, consider what’s happening for your kids. What are they feeling and needing?

When you approach them, first offer some empathy, “Wow, this game is really fun for you right now isn’t it? And you really want to keep playing instead of getting ready to go.” Or “Hmmm, are you feeling grumpy because your sister wouldn’t share with you?” When kids realize that you understand what they’re going through, they are able to relax and cooperate much more easily. So, after you think your child feels heard, you can ask for what you’re wanting calmly.

Strategy #3 Let them know how upset you are by using a traffic light system

So you’re thinking, sure, I can empathize or whisper, but how will they know how angry I am about the broken lamp unless I yell? I like to use a traffic light analogy with kids to help them understand how I’m feeling when I don’t want to yell and scream or give them the silent treatment. Green light means we’re all having fun and everything’s great. Yellow light means I see a potential problem, I’m not feeling heard, or I need their attention immediately. Red light means if something doesn’t change very quickly we’re all in trouble because I’m about to lose my cool and I’m likely to dole out some consequences. In some cases I’ve drawn a traffic light on a card and colored in the appropriate light. Then, sometimes I don’t even have to say anything, I simply hold up the card and everyone in the room knows what my status is. The great thing about the cards is that they’re easy for anyone to use. So, often I see kids begin to use them with each other as a healthy way to express their upset without yelling or hitting one another. I often tell young people that if they get to a red light with each other, it’s time to find an adult to mediate. I know these strategies have helped me and my clients immensely. I’m curious how they will work for you. Please let me know or share another strategy you’ve discovered! Have a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

“Who, me?”

Right.  Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing?  Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what?  It comes out anyway.  And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment.  It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way.  It’s called compassion.  For them?  No, not yet.  For us.  You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids.  What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business.  What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material:  the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children.  In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way.  We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us.  Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid.  It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat.  This is exactly what is required of the awake parent.  “I am Awake!  I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!”  And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children.  It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions.

So, what causes harm?  You know already what causes harm.  But did you know how much harm we cause by denying what is really real and true for us?  I once wanted to throw my four-year-old through a plate-glass window!  Really.  I wanted to hurl her through it with all of my might.  I was tortured by guilt with this unwanted compulsion until I finally admitted it, along with what I thought was my insanity, to a thoroughly-seasoned mother of four (three of whom were grown).

Do you know what she did?  She laughed!  Here I was, in quiet desperation, telling her my deepest, darkest secret… and she laughed.  In fact, she said, “Yeah.”  That’s one word; one word that told me, “Honey, I have been there and I understand.  And know what else?  It’s NORMAL.”  Oh my gosh, the medicine she gave me in that laugh and that acknowledgment!

Afterwards, with my kids I was no longer afraid of my rage.  It wasn’t being denied anymore, and therefore it didn’t need to build up anymore either.  Once deadset against raising my voice even the slightest bit with them, I could now scream if I wanted to:  “Aaaah!  I feel like I’m going to go crazy!  I’m going to explode!”

Do you know what my kids would do with that?  They’d back off.  They didn’t want me to explode.  And it wasn’t because they were afraid of me either.  It was because they actually loved me.  And they loved themselves.  And I sure loved them for their kindness in backing off also.  Believe it or not, in my commitment to my own radical honesty, we all became closer.

My goal was always to provide a peaceful, safe haven for my children to forever be able to come home to.  There were times when that included a good bit of noise, but still, it was always peaceful and it was always safe.  And they knew it.  Now, THANKS TO GRACE, these kids are free to express what’s alive in them too, without ever causing harm to another living soul.

Have a great week, Kheyala

Writer, Healer, Counselor

kheyala1@gmail.com

Sounds too good to be true doesn’t it?  Well, I assure you, I’ve used this technique countless times with kids and with myself and it really works!  But, how does it work?  Well, here’s the thing, the body and the emotions are directly linked to each other.  When we feel sad, we look down, hunch our shoulders, pout and stay still.  On the other hand, when we feel happy and excited, we throw our shoulders back, look up, smile and move our bodies!

The trick is realizing that the conversation between the body and the emotions is a two way street.  Not only does our body reflect how we’re feeling, but our feelings reflect how we’re holding our bodies!

Try this the next time you’re feeling down.  Find a brightly lit room, look up at the ceiling, smile your biggest smile and think about something you love.  Now how do you feel?  It’s almost impossible to continue feeling sad when your shoulders are back, you’re looking up, smiling and thinking of something you love or enjoy!  You can try the opposite too (although it’s less fun).

Sometime when you’re feeling great, try hunching your shoulders, looking down at the ground, and thinking about something really sad.  You’ll almost immediately start to feel sadness.

So, how can you use this two way street to your advantage?  You can actually tell your emotions what to feel by holding your body in a certain way!  And, you can interrupt your thoughts and feelings by moving your body in a new way!  When I’m feeling anxious at a social event or party, I often go into a back room or hallway and do a couple of summersaults.  By changing my body chemistry, my mood automatically changes and I feel ready to be social!

This also works with kids.  When your baby is upset, you automatically start bouncing, jiggling, rocking, and dancing.  The motion helps your baby change state and become more calm.  Similarly, if your 3or 4 year old is having trouble focusing or is bothering a sibling, sweetly scooping them up and spinning them around a few times can often completely change the situation and your child’s state.

Or, if you’re all annoyed with each other, putting on some music and dancing together can be the key to a state change.  And don’t forget the magic of warm water to induce a state change.  When I’m upset, a warm bath makes everything better and that can also be true for your little one.

So this week, pay attention to your emotions and consider whether you WANT to be feeling this way or whether you’d rather feel something else.  Then take action and practice CREATING the emotional state you would most enjoy.  I would love to hear how it goes, please let me know!

And have a fantastic week.  Warmly, Shelly

See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.

On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family.  With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.

But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be.  Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:

Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself?  Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time?  If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself.  When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids.

Step 2- Goal setting and values identification. Think about the values and qualities that are most important to you.  Is kindness and cooperation at the top of your list?  Or do you prefer independence and self-direction?  Do you want your children to love and care for each other or just to stop hitting one another?  By setting some goals and identifying your highest values you can begin to create a plan of action.

Step 3- Model the behavior you want. This is the most challenging step by far, but if you are committed to creating the kind of culture in your home that you most want, it all starts with you.  When you get frustrated, angry, whiney, and irritable, you’re teaching your kids the very behaviors that you don’t enjoy.  So, this week, practice whining and venting with a friend during naptime, instead of in front of your kids.  And when you’re with your kids, practice generosity, kindness, or whatever qualities embody your highest values.

Step 4- Give positive feedback when you notice your kids embodying your highest values. This week, encourage your kids to give help and support to one another and to their friends then share with them about how happy, excited, and joyful you feel when you see them sharing and cooperating.  Let older children know how grateful you feel when you seem them treating younger siblings with kindness and care.  By noticing the things you WANT, you’re encouraging even more of those things to happen every day.

I’ve seen families turn sibling conflict into cooperation and kindness in a matter of weeks using these steps.  I hope they’re helpful for you and I would love to hear about your experiences in actively creating the culture of your home.  Please share a question or comment below.

Have a fantastic week!  Warmly, Shelly

I know, you’re thinking, but wait, when I’m tired and grumpy, the LAST thing I am is creative.  Well, that’s where I come in.  I can offer you some fun strategies to create more laughter and connection and all you have to do is remember to use them when the time comes.  Sound good?

So here we go, five ways to turn a potential power struggle into a fun, connecting experience for you and your kids.

1)    Turn it into a game- Any time you feel yourself wanting to exert your will, try turning it into a game instead.  Rather than threatening dire consequences, or complaining about how your kids don’t listen, figure out what kind of game you could all play that would get the job done and be fun for them.  Hopping like a bunny to get to the car, strapping on your rocket booster shoes, or finding the keys in a scavenger hunt are all more fun that a grumpy parent frowning and grumbling.  And who knows, if you practice this one enough, you might even fin YOURSELF having more fun and laughter as you move through your day with your kids.

2)    Go for the giggle- What do your kids find hilarious?  Is it peek-a-boo, funny hats, new accents, or physical humor like bumping into things or falling down?  It could be burps and farts or backwards clothing.  But whatever it is that sends your little ones into peels of laughter, do more of it!  Laugher is a wonderful way to connect and release pent up emotions.  Use it to your advantage whenever you feel a power struggle coming on.  After a good laugh, everyone’s more willing to cooperate.

3)    Let the youngest lead- Sometimes it’s exhausting to try to get everyone on the same page and heading in the right direction.  Try assigning that task to the youngest child in your household.  Help her by offering kind ways to ask for what she wants, and by inviting your older children to follow her lead.  Young children have such an incredible imagination, you may even learn a new way to get everyone into the car and on the road (or out of the kitchen while you’re trying to make dinner).  Some of the most fun moments I’ve had as a nanny were times when the youngest one was in charge of a follow the leader game and the rest of us were all down on hands and knees following him around the house.

4)    Physical play-  Jumping on the bed, piling pillows up for hide and seek, rolling, romping and other forms of physical play are a great way to create connection in moments of high tension.  Sometimes all you need is a 10-minute pillow fight to get those tensions out and have fun together. There are times when picking up your baby, or even your two or three year old and spinning him around is the ideal way to press the “reset” button on your interaction.  Of course with any type of physical play, and especially with spinning and tickling, you always want to check in with your child to make sure they’re actually enjoying themselves and having fun.  The idea here is to create connection, not to create laughter at any cost.  Physical play should be a trust BUILDING activity for you and your kids, but if you’re not tuning in to them, it can also damage trust.

5)    Forget yourself- Acting like you can’t remember things or are unable to understand things is a great way to create fun and laughter when you’re about to lose it.  Just try giving in to your desire to turn off your brain, but let your kids revel in the joy of being smarter, having a better memory, and generally being more mentally acute than you are right now.  You’ll be amazed at how willing they’ll be to help YOU into the car, rather than the other way around.

I would love to know if any of these strategies have worked for you.  Please share your experience in the comment box below.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

One way to encourage cooperation from kids is to designate some time each week (or day) where they get to be in charge.  Somehow by allowing kids to take the lead for even 10 minutes a day, you’ll find that they’re much more willing to allow you to take the lead for the rest of the time.  There are several ways you can do this.

First, let your child know that for the next 10 minutes, they get to be in charge, they’re the boss, the parent, or the king or queen of your home.  Tell them that as long as the activities they choose are safe, you’ll follow their lead.

You can try playing follow the leader and allow the youngest child in your household to be the leader.  Follow along as if you’re completely entranced by the activities your child is doing and encourage any other siblings to play too.  You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in the life of a young child when they get this time to be in charge, tell people what to do, and watch them do the silly things they’ve thought up.

If you think about it, young people get so little of this kind of play time, they’re starving for some king or queen time.  Kids are constantly told where to be, what to wear, how to act, and to “hurry up”.  Imagine how good it feels to them when they get to be the ones in charge, bossing us around for a change.  They love it!

For more games you can play that your kids will love and that will encourage their sense of power and control over their lives see my blog “Go for the giggle”.

Now you may wonder why giving kids a sense of power and control helps them follow your lead during the rest of the day.  My theory is that kids naturally want to cooperate with adults, but after denying their needs for power for days and weeks in a row, they simply explode and are unable to continue to cooperate.  When this need gets met, even for a short time each day or a few times a week, kids easily fall back into their natural role as helpers and apprentices.

Another benefit to taking time each day to reverse roles with your child is that you get to model the kind of easy cooperation you’re wanting from them.  When they’re greeted with “Good evening Sire, may I take your shoes?  Is there anything I can get you?” they begin to understand what kind cooperation, generous service, and easy collaboration look like.  So during the rest of the day, you’re much more likely to hear the very phrases you’ve used during your special play time.

Imagine hearing, “Mommy, may I take your shoes?  Is there anything I can get you?”  Ahhh, sounds like heaven.  So, during the times when you offer your child the opportunity to be in charge and to be the more powerful one, really play it up, let them know that you honor and respect them.  Be as helpful and kind as you can be with them and watch their own generosity blossom.

I’d love to hear how this goes in your family.  Please leave me a comment below.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly

The most common examples of destructive behaviors in 1-5 year olds are hitting and biting.  Older kids often use their words to destructive means.  And teenagers do all sorts of behaviors that we adults see as destructive and dangerous.  But what if we were able to see the beautiful needs behind these behaviors and redirect kids in a way that helps everyone experience more peace and joy?

Redirection is a wonderful tool that will help you help your child.  When we can offer another option that’s less destructive, kids will often gladly take our suggestions.  After all, they’re usually not trying to hurt others, they’re just trying to meet their own needs.

When I was a nanny one of my charges began to bite his brother, other kids at the park, and even me and his mom.  Ouch!  I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what to do with a kid who’s biting from ignore it to bite him back.  But I knew that biting a baby or young child was not going to work for me.  I would certainly feel sad and guilty if I were to retaliate against such a young child (or any child for that matter).  And ignoring a destructive behavior can just help it grow and become ingrained.  So we tried another strategy­–redirection.

First, we began to watch him closely and after some observation we discovered that there was a look in his eye just before he tried to bite.  Next, we tried to understand what need he was trying to meet and we determined that when he needed space, he bit.  He would usually try to bite in a situation when he was in a confined space, had another child touching his body, or when another child took the toy he was playing with.

So for starters, we tried to anticipate any situations that were likely to result in his desire to bite and diffuse the situation before he even got the idea.  But we weren’t perfect, and sometimes he still got the look in his eye, opened his mouth, and tried to bite someone.  We acted swiftly, removed him from the person he was about to bite and REDIRECTED his aggression toward his blanket.  “It’s not OK to bite people, but if you need to bite, you can bite your blanket.”  After a few weeks, John began to go and get his blanket whenever he had the urge to bite!

If you think about it, the urge to bite has helped us out immensely when it comes to eating.  If we didn’t have a need to bite, we might never have discovered some of the delicious foods we eat today.  So, ultimately, biting is a beautiful need, it just sometimes gets generalized to people and things that aren’t safe for biting.

A friend recently shared that her young son had begun to bite his bed frame and was damaging his bed and eating wood!  She decided to redirect her son’s behavior so they found a heavy plastic fork and deemed it his “special biting fork”.  Now when he has the urge to bite he asks his mom for his special biting fork, then he gnaws on it for a few minutes and hands it back to mom.  I was talking to his mom on the phone the other day when he said, “Mom, can I please have my special biting fork?” and I found myself grinning from ear to ear.  I’m so happy that he gets to bite something that’s safe for him!

There are lots of other behaviors that can be redirected into more constructive choices for kids.  What have you tried?  Which redirections have worked for you?  I’d love to hear about your experiences with redirection.  Thanks for being here!