When I was a teenager I was flipping through my baby book and I saw a letter my mom had written to me before I was born.  It was sweet and heartfelt and at that moment I knew on a deeper level how very wanted I was and how special I was to my mom even before she met me for the first time.   It has always been important to me that I make a conscious choice to become a parent and that I wait until I’m really ready to take on the responsibilities of parenthood.  So here I am, just two weeks away from my “guess date” and I’ve decided to write a letter to my baby to welcome him or her.

I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward.  I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before.  I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times.   So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart.  I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share.  And I hope you enjoy this special blog.  So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.

Dear Baby,

Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you.  Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes.  I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head.  Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.

I can’t wait to be your mama.  I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life.  I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you.  I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you.  Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life.  Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose.

Just wait ‘till you meet your dad.  He’s fantastic.  I just know he’s going to be such a wonderful daddy to you.  When I was choosing a husband I decided to choose the man with the biggest, most beautiful heart I could find.  And that’s your dad.  He cares so deeply, and shares himself so openly.  I love his honesty and the way he has trouble keeping a secret, even when it’s a fun surprise.  I completely trust him to take exquisite care of all of our hearts, which is really the most important task of all.  And on top of all that, he’s hilarious!  With your daddy in our lives, we are sure to have lots and lots of laughter and fun.

My friends keep telling me that you’re “one lucky baby” and I agree.  I’ve always thought of myself as one of the luckiest people I know.  And I’m so happy to pass on my good fortune to you.  In fact, there’s no one else I’d rather bless with endless good luck and the ability to appreciate and enjoy it.

One of my deepest hopes is that we can always communicate openly with each other, that no matter what’s happening, you know you can always come to us, share whatever’s on your heart and we’ll always love you no matter what.  There may be times when we don’t like each other very much, but even then, please know, that we love you dearly, deeply, and without conditions.  And even in times when you think you don’t, we’ll remember that you love us too.  Because that’s how it is in our family, we practice unconditional love and acceptance no matter what the circumstances.

So, welcome to life on Earth, and welcome to your family.  May you be surrounded by love, inspired to learn and grow, and always know that you are deeply cherished.

So much love, Your Mom

I’m curious, have any of you written similar letters to your children before they arrived?  What kinds of things did you share?  How do you feel about having written to your unborn child?  And what  impact do you think your letter will have on your child as he or she reads it later?

Have a fantastic week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

The “find it” game is a fun game for times when you don’t have a lot of attention to give but you want to help stimulate your child’s mind and have fun together even while you’re busy at other tasks.

This game can be modified for ages 1-7.  For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again.  The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored.  You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?”  You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child.  “Great!  Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?”  When they’ve brought it, “Thanks!  Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book?  The one about the white mitten?”

Another tack is to ask something like, “Can you find something on the living room floor that doesn’t belong there?” and when they bring it, “I wonder where that belongs…”

If you have letter or number magnets on the refrigerator, “Do you see a blue letter R?” and if you don’t, “Can you find a butterfly magnet?”

When your kids are even older, “Can you find the ¾” wrench? I think it’s in the tool box in the garage” or “Can you help me find the oregano?” or even, “Can you find a toy mammal with hooves?”

When kids play the “find it” game, they feel joyful because they’re able to contribute in some way.  They also often feel proud because they were able to find the specific object you’ve asked for or because they figured out a puzzle (in the case of “find an orange circle” or a similar task).

I would love to hear about the find it games at your house.  Is this something you already play with your child or is it a new idea for you?  Please share your thoughts below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

It’s amazing what a little appreciation, acknowledgment and gratitude can do.  You can go from feeling hum-drum or bummed to feeling completely ecstatic in a few short moments if you only take the time to practice gratitude.  Gratitude is like this magic potion that reminds us of all we have to appreciate in life–and there is a LOT to appreciate.

I have some friends who share gratitude with one another every time they sit down to share a meal together.  Others use gratitude as a way to connect at the beginning of their monthly family meeting.  I even know some parents and kids who say what they’re grateful for each night before bed.

I’ve found that when I feel appreciated and acknowledged, I am more willing to contribute, I feel more engaged in my relationships, and I’m just generally happier.  So, do kids feel any different?  I don’t think so.  I think we all respond well to being appreciated and acknowledged.  But it depends on how.  For instance, compliments like, “You have pretty hair.” usually don’t impact me in the same way that true acknowledgment does.

Here’s the difference:  A compliment is really just a positive judgment which might feel good at the time, but then it also leaves room for negative judgments which we can feel afraid of.  An acknowledgment is different.

With an acknowledgment we share the impact on us that a particular action had.  So, instead of “you have such pretty hair”, you might say “Wow, when I see the way the light shines off of your hair I feel so joyful and grateful for all the beauty in my life.  Thanks for being such a shining light in my life!”

An even better example would be when you notice your child contributing to your family in some way.  You might share, “Oh, Ralph, when I see you entertaining your sister I feel so happy because it gives me the time I need to get ready to go and I feel so grateful that you and your sister are enjoying each other.”  Or “You know, Cindy, when you tell those funny jokes at the dinner table I really appreciate how you bring lightness and laughter into our family, without your shenanigans, I wouldn’t laugh nearly as much as I do.  Thanks!”

The truth is, every member of your family is contributing in many ways all the time.  I’m just suggesting that we all take a little extra time to actually acknowledge those contributions.

If you’re having trouble coming up with something to acknowledge, just take a moment to think about what this person brings to your life that you wouldn’t have without him or her.  It might be joy, laughter, spontaneity, support, fun, play, or even peace.

You can even do this exercise to recognize your own contributions.  How do you impact the other members of your family?  And do you feel grateful for the opportunity to contribute in those ways?  Or are you grumbling all the way to the grocery store?  If you’re grumbling, you might need some more acknowledgment.  And guess what–it’s OK to ask for it!!!

I’m sure you already know most of this already, but I just wanted to remind us all to take a little extra time this week for gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment.  I know it has made a positive impact on my life, and I’m pretty sure it will on yours as well.

I’d love to know about your own experiences of acknowledgment and the difference between acknowledgment and compliments.  Please share something in the comment box!

Warmly, Shelly