The bad news is it’s completely up to you to set the tone of your household and to maintain your commitment to having a peaceful and loving home life.  The good news is, your children WILL follow your lead easily and naturally.

I have a whole curriculum on this topic which is under development and it’s way too much to go into today, but I wanted share the tip that has made the  biggest difference for the parents I’ve worked with.

Conspiring with your family to lavish one another with acts of kindness. 

This one activity can completely change the energy of your home from competition and animosity to collaboration and kindness.   So how do you begin?

First, consider each member of your family and come up with a nice thing you and your child or children can do for them.  At first it’s helpful to make a list so that you can keep track of the kind acts you plan to infuse into your home.  After you’ve gotten some momentum going, these kinds of acts will become second nature and will happen spontaneously and often in your home, even without your direct participation.  Your list might look something like this:

• Attack Dad with hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s” on Sunday morning
• Make a crown and magic wand for Rachel and then do her bidding for 15min.
• Tell Jason 3 things we appreciate about him
• Cheer for Dad when he gets back from his run
• Let Connor choose his favorite dinner
• Pretend to be a magic genie and give Claire three wishes
• Take out the trash for Jason (or do another chore for him)
• Read a story to Claire
• Hide a surprise gift for Connor in his closet
• Pick flowers and arrange them for Mom
• Play basketball with Connor and Rachel
• Send a thank you note to Grandma

Once you have a good-sized list of acts of kindness, breathe and relax and remember that your family will help you do these things.  You are not alone and it’s not your job to DO all of these things.  Your work is to come up with some initial ideas and help your whole family implement them.

Next, choose an item on the list and go to one or more of your children to begin to conspire with them to offer this act of kindness.  This might sound something like this:

“Hey Jason, are you busy right now?  I have an idea of something sweet we can do for Claire.  Would you like to help me pamper her?”  If your child isn’t interested, that’s OK, just go to another family member and ask.

You may want to begin by lavishing the child who is in the most distress or who exhibits the most animosity toward others.  Remember that picking fights or lashing out is an indicator that your child is needing something.  So, by offering your love, kindness, and generosity to the child who seems to deserve it least, you’re doing a couple of things.

First, you’re modeling for your whole family how you’re committed to treating one another, no matter what THEY DO.  You are lavishing your child with love and affection for being his wonderful self even after he has lashed out at his sister because you know that he is innately good and kind, he has just temporarily lost his ability to show it.

Second, you’re nurturing a person who clearly needs your love and attention,  and you’re teaching your whole family to see unkind outbursts as a signal of need, rather than something to be punished for or retaliated against.

This sets up a positive cycle in your home in which negativity and hurtfulness are quickly bombarded with loving attention.  And amazingly, giving love to your reactive child can actually eradicate the underlying unmet needs and allow the child to regain his own sense of kindness and generosity.

I’m curious, have you ever tried anything like this before?  How did it go?  Do you have questions or concerns about implementing this?  Please leave me a comment below.

And have a fantastic day, Shelly

What other ways could you play this game?  Can you see how it can help kids learn colors, shapes, locations of things in your home, sizes, and so much more?!  I would love to hear how you would modify this game to best fit your child’s interests.  Please leave me a comment!

Some children really thrive on a slow paced, relaxed, summer schedule.  But other kids go a little bonkers when you take away the social outlet of school.  If you’ve got a drama queen or a comedian on your hands, consider sending them to an acting camp.

Through my work with young people I’ve found that lots of kids who seem to be “acting out” or are “too wild” just need an appropriate outlet for their energy and enthusiasm about life.  They need an activity that is both intellectually and physically challenging, so that they’re engaging many different parts of their brain.  Acting camp could be just the thing these kids are craving.

During an acting camp, kids get to play fun games that teach them the basics of improvisation and acting.  With those tools in their back pockets, many young people can redirect their “wild” energy into comedy improv, or putting on a production either by themselves, with friends or siblings, or with a church group or neighborhood group.

And, as their skills develop, you’ll enjoy their antics more and more, and they’ll get the positive attention they’re really craving.  It’s really a win-win.

But if acting camp isn’t available in your area or doesn’t fit into your budget well, the internet is filled with information about super fun comedy improv games you can play with your family without any special training.

One of my favorite sites for that kind of information is Improv 4 Kids

Here are a few fun improv games off the top of my head:

1) Yes And- Go around the circle and create something fun like the most fun amusement park, the best sandwich, the ideal playground, or the coolest new invention.  Each person adds an idea and then the next person exclaims, “YES!! And…” and adds another dimension to the vision.

2) Making up a silly song- This is easiest with a familiar tune and a list of words that rhyme.  You might want to start off with Raffi’s “Down by the Bay” and then branch out when the kids have the hang of it.

3) Using props in interesting ways- Get some stuff from the kitchen and around the house and put it into a box.  Set an egg timer and then let your child reach into the box, grab something and pretend it’s something else.  Robin Williams is particularly good at this game!

So, I hope you’ll check out all the possibilities in your area for acting and improv classes for kids.  Who knows, maybe you’ll spark a life long love of theatre!  As always I would love to hear your thoughts and stories.  Please leave me a comment!  And have a wonderful week, Shelly

Oh, and I was interviewed in Inspired Lady Radio on Monday.  If you’d like to listen to the show which features me and Lori Petro, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/inspiredlady and scroll down to the show called “Excuse me but this is my child”

But there are some definite dos and don’ts when it comes to creating a family meeting that works well and is sustainable.  Here are my tips for family meetings that will help you re-connect and get down to business.

1)     Keep it short- The younger your children are, the shorter your meeting should be.  For children under 5, try to keep it to 20 minutes tops.  As your children grow and mature, meetings will get slightly longer, but nobody wants to sit in a meeting for longer than an hour, so try to prioritize and keep your commentary to a minimum.

2)    The fun sandwich- If you want your kids to love family meetings, then be sure there’s something they really like at the beginning and at the end.  You could do a round of appreciations at the beginning and pizza and a movie afterward, or you might try an empathy game at the beginning and a game of basketball at the end.  Or, perhaps you’ll start with a group hug and end by planning the next family vacation.

3)    Grievances, chores, and other business in the middle- keep this part short too, but this is the meat of the family meeting where you’ll really make progress toward a mutual understanding of what your family’s rules, chores, and goals are.  Sometimes it helps to have a poster board, white board, or other visual representation of what you’re discussing.

4)   Play “Yes, And”- If you’d like the input of every family member as you create a new chore structure, plan a vacation, or figure out how to work some fun into your busy lives, try playing “Yes, And” It’s a simple game in which you first set up the task and then take turns making contributions.  The rule is that you cannot argue against anyone’s contribution, you can only add your own by enthusiastically saying, “YES!  And…”  So you might start by saying something like, “Let’s imagine the best Saturday afternoon ever” and then each person takes a turn sharing something they’d enjoy doing on an imaginary Saturday.  The idea is to get excited, use your imagination and practice being a yes to one another’s ideas.  Then, after the game, you can agree on an actual plan for the day.

5)    Chore wheel- A chore wheel is a fun way to establish who will do what and then you can easily trade chores every week or month.  It does take a little bit of preparation before the meeting, but you’ll be amazed how something as simple as an engaging and visual reminder will help the young people in your life complete their chores on time.

So, those are my tips for a successful and sustainable family meeting.  I would love to hear about your experiences with meetings in the past and/or how these tips work for you.

Have a fabulous week, Shelly

This question empowers you and your loved ones to communicate openly, honestly, and freely.  It can even help you learn more about your children and their motivations.  OK, are you ready for it?  The magic question is, “Would you be willing to ____?”  Variations on this question might be “Would you?” “Could you?” or “Will you please?”

But a huge part of the magic of the question is that it’s a true request.  When you ask, “Would you be willing to help me carry in the groceries?” you’re actually asking for help, not demanding it.  So be careful with the variations unless you’re sure you’re truly asking.  Sometimes our demands can be subtle and veiled, but they’re demands none-the-less.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of demanding and ordering kids around, especially when they’re resistant and uncooperative.  “Brush your teeth” “Put on your shoes, we’re leaving” and “Stop hitting your sister” are the kinds of demands most kids experience daily.  If you’ve fallen into the habit of making lots of demands of your kids, you’re not alone.  The problem is that the more we demand, the less kids want to cooperate.  And the less kids cooperate, the more we demand.  It’s a vicious cycle, but you have the power to change the dynamics substantially, just by asking the magic question and being OK with whatever the answer is.

I don’t mean to imply that you’ll stop making demands of your kids.  That would be impractical and highly unlikely in any case.  But what if you were to transform just some of your daily demands into true requests?  How might your child feel if after being told to take out the garbage for the past six weeks, you actually ASKED if she was willing to?

It may take a little while for your new true requests to sink in, so don’t be surprised if your kids don’t respond very differently at first.  They may not trust that your new “nicer” way of asking is anything but a better disguised demand.  But if you continue to make some true requests every day, and are actually OK with hearing no from them, pretty soon the young people in your life will begin to feel the difference.  And when they do, something magical will happen.  Almost as soon as kids realize that they can refuse your requests without suffering a negative consequence, they’ll become more and more willing to cooperate.

Children are actually innately designed to cooperate with their parents and other care-givers.  Evolutionarily it was the only way they could survive, right? But when we’ve taken their goodwill for granted they begin to resent us and our demands.   So the way back to their innate good nature is to actually give them the freedom to choose whether or not to cooperate with us.  But luckily for us the deck is stacked against defiance, because cooperating naturally feels better and gets us better results socially.  All kids ultimately want to have a strong connection to their parents and the quickest way to that continued connection is to cooperate.

So this week, give your kids a little extra freedom to cooperate or not, and watch how that impacts your connection with them.  I would love to hear how it works for you!

Have a great week, Shelly

I notice that the closer I get to giving birth, the more my thoughts are turning inward.  I’m beginning to focus on the center of my universe more than ever before.  I’m preparing my nest, connecting with my husband, and enjoying the quiet alone times.   So, rather than sharing some new parenting tip or technique, this week, I’m just sharing from my own heart.  I’m glad to know that I can share so personally here along with all the other ways I share.  And I hope you enjoy this special blog.  So, here’s my letter to my about to be born baby.

Dear Baby,

Wow, you’re almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you.  Your dad and I have been waiting for you for 9 long months and pretty soon we’ll get to see you, touch you, and gaze into your beautiful eyes.  I’m especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and nuzzling your sweet smelling head.  Let’s spend hours together just cuddling, nursing, sleeping, and enjoying life together.

I can’t wait to be your mama.  I’ve been preparing for motherhood since I was a young girl and I feel so ready to welcome you into my life.  I’ve studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you.  I’ve even practiced by taking care of lots of other babies and kids, but really it was all for you.  Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself sounds like the most fun and rewarding thing I could possibly do in my life.  Thanks for helping me fulfill my life’s purpose.

Just wait ‘till you meet your dad.  He’s fantastic.  I just know he’s going to be such a wonderful daddy to you.  When I was choosing a husband I decided to choose the man with the biggest, most beautiful heart I could find.  And that’s your dad.  He cares so deeply, and shares himself so openly.  I love his honesty and the way he has trouble keeping a secret, even when it’s a fun surprise.  I completely trust him to take exquisite care of all of our hearts, which is really the most important task of all.  And on top of all that, he’s hilarious!  With your daddy in our lives, we are sure to have lots and lots of laughter and fun.

My friends keep telling me that you’re “one lucky baby” and I agree.  I’ve always thought of myself as one of the luckiest people I know.  And I’m so happy to pass on my good fortune to you.  In fact, there’s no one else I’d rather bless with endless good luck and the ability to appreciate and enjoy it.

One of my deepest hopes is that we can always communicate openly with each other, that no matter what’s happening, you know you can always come to us, share whatever’s on your heart and we’ll always love you no matter what.  There may be times when we don’t like each other very much, but even then, please know, that we love you dearly, deeply, and without conditions.  And even in times when you think you don’t, we’ll remember that you love us too.  Because that’s how it is in our family, we practice unconditional love and acceptance no matter what the circumstances.

So, welcome to life on Earth, and welcome to your family.  May you be surrounded by love, inspired to learn and grow, and always know that you are deeply cherished.

So much love, Your Mom

I’m curious, have any of you written similar letters to your children before they arrived?  What kinds of things did you share?  How do you feel about having written to your unborn child?  And what  impact do you think your letter will have on your child as he or she reads it later?

Have a fantastic week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

This game can be modified for ages 1-7.  For the youngest kids you can ask your child to find something familiar like his favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  Then, you can ask your child to put it in an unusual place (like in the dry bathtub) and then go find it again.  The ability to remember where something is and go retrieve it even when it’s out of sight is a useful skill for young children as it requires memory and visualization.

As your child grows older and needs a more complex “find it” game, you can ask her to find a blue crayon, a red triangle, or a specific item from a specific drawer.

So let’s say you’re busy cooking and your child seems bored.  You can offer, “Hey, do you want to play the ‘find it’ game?”  You’ll usually hear an enthusiastic yes from your child.  “Great!  Can you go into the bathroom and look in the far right drawer and find me a brown hair tie?”  When they’ve brought it, “Thanks!  Now let’s see, can you find your baby brother’s favorite book?  The one about the white mitten?”

Another tack is to ask something like, “Can you find something on the living room floor that doesn’t belong there?” and when they bring it, “I wonder where that belongs…”

If you have letter or number magnets on the refrigerator, “Do you see a blue letter R?” and if you don’t, “Can you find a butterfly magnet?”

When your kids are even older, “Can you find the ¾” wrench? I think it’s in the tool box in the garage” or “Can you help me find the oregano?” or even, “Can you find a toy mammal with hooves?”

When kids play the “find it” game, they feel joyful because they’re able to contribute in some way.  They also often feel proud because they were able to find the specific object you’ve asked for or because they figured out a puzzle (in the case of “find an orange circle” or a similar task).

I would love to hear about the find it games at your house.  Is this something you already play with your child or is it a new idea for you?  Please share your thoughts below.

Have a fantastic day, Shelly

I have some friends who share gratitude with one another every time they sit down to share a meal together.  Others use gratitude as a way to connect at the beginning of their monthly family meeting.  I even know some parents and kids who say what they’re grateful for each night before bed.

I’ve found that when I feel appreciated and acknowledged, I am more willing to contribute, I feel more engaged in my relationships, and I’m just generally happier.  So, do kids feel any different?  I don’t think so.  I think we all respond well to being appreciated and acknowledged.  But it depends on how.  For instance, compliments like, “You have pretty hair.” usually don’t impact me in the same way that true acknowledgment does.

Here’s the difference:  A compliment is really just a positive judgment which might feel good at the time, but then it also leaves room for negative judgments which we can feel afraid of.  An acknowledgment is different.

With an acknowledgment we share the impact on us that a particular action had.  So, instead of “you have such pretty hair”, you might say “Wow, when I see the way the light shines off of your hair I feel so joyful and grateful for all the beauty in my life.  Thanks for being such a shining light in my life!”

An even better example would be when you notice your child contributing to your family in some way.  You might share, “Oh, Ralph, when I see you entertaining your sister I feel so happy because it gives me the time I need to get ready to go and I feel so grateful that you and your sister are enjoying each other.”  Or “You know, Cindy, when you tell those funny jokes at the dinner table I really appreciate how you bring lightness and laughter into our family, without your shenanigans, I wouldn’t laugh nearly as much as I do.  Thanks!”

The truth is, every member of your family is contributing in many ways all the time.  I’m just suggesting that we all take a little extra time to actually acknowledge those contributions.

If you’re having trouble coming up with something to acknowledge, just take a moment to think about what this person brings to your life that you wouldn’t have without him or her.  It might be joy, laughter, spontaneity, support, fun, play, or even peace.

You can even do this exercise to recognize your own contributions.  How do you impact the other members of your family?  And do you feel grateful for the opportunity to contribute in those ways?  Or are you grumbling all the way to the grocery store?  If you’re grumbling, you might need some more acknowledgment.  And guess what–it’s OK to ask for it!!!

I’m sure you already know most of this already, but I just wanted to remind us all to take a little extra time this week for gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment.  I know it has made a positive impact on my life, and I’m pretty sure it will on yours as well.

I’d love to know about your own experiences of acknowledgment and the difference between acknowledgment and compliments.  Please share something in the comment box!

Warmly, Shelly