This week’s guest blog is by Kheyala:

“Who, me?”

Right.  Whoever would have the nerve to admit such a thing?  Yet, if we deny our own experience of inner rage or hatred, if we repress it… then guess what?  It comes out anyway.  And it comes out as the unmistakable (especially to our children), hateful undercurrent of whatever we say or do in that moment.  It’s as if we’d told them that we hated them directly, only it’s far more confusing.

Thankfully, there is another way.  It’s called compassion.  For them?  No, not yet.  For us.  You see, the truth is that we don’t ever really hate our kids.  What we are hating is what it’s like to be us in that moment when our children inadvertently step on the inner landmines of our own unfinished business.  What I’m referring to by “unfinished business” is all that subconscious material:  the old wounds, traumas, and other “little lovelies” that our body/minds never forgot but that hadn’t yet had such a magnificent opportunity to reveal and, with enough consciousness, to free.

Herein again lies the beauty of our children.  In being raised with grace, they give us chances every single day to heal what could not have been birthed in any other way.  We get to be for our children essentially what nobody was able to be for us.  Thereby we heal both generations at once.

It’s a marvel to behold, yet it’s certainly no walk for the timid.  It takes great strength and courage to stop perpetuating the incredible emotional and biological momentum from many previous centuries of darkness.

I heard a story once about a Zen master who stops his sword right at the height of its arc, right at the most climactic point of the swing, just one instant before the blade is about to come down and slice through his enemy’s throat.  This is exactly what is required of the awake parent.  “I am Awake!  I will no longer contribute to any kind of suffering!”  And believe me, there is no worse kind of suffering than that which comes from causing harm to our children.  It is indeed a sword that cuts deep in both directions.

So, what causes harm?  You know already what causes harm.  But did you know how much harm we cause by denying what is really real and true for us?  I once wanted to throw my four-year-old through a plate-glass window!  Really.  I wanted to hurl her through it with all of my might.  I was tortured by guilt with this unwanted compulsion until I finally admitted it, along with what I thought was my insanity, to a thoroughly-seasoned mother of four (three of whom were grown).

Do you know what she did?  She laughed!  Here I was, in quiet desperation, telling her my deepest, darkest secret… and she laughed.  In fact, she said, “Yeah.”  That’s one word; one word that told me, “Honey, I have been there and I understand.  And know what else?  It’s NORMAL.”  Oh my gosh, the medicine she gave me in that laugh and that acknowledgment!

Afterwards, with my kids I was no longer afraid of my rage.  It wasn’t being denied anymore, and therefore it didn’t need to build up anymore either.  Once deadset against raising my voice even the slightest bit with them, I could now scream if I wanted to:  “Aaaah!  I feel like I’m going to go crazy!  I’m going to explode!”

Do you know what my kids would do with that?  They’d back off.  They didn’t want me to explode.  And it wasn’t because they were afraid of me either.  It was because they actually loved me.  And they loved themselves.  And I sure loved them for their kindness in backing off also.  Believe it or not, in my commitment to my own radical honesty, we all became closer.

My goal was always to provide a peaceful, safe haven for my children to forever be able to come home to.  There were times when that included a good bit of noise, but still, it was always peaceful and it was always safe.  And they knew it.  Now, THANKS TO GRACE, these kids are free to express what’s alive in them too, without ever causing harm to another living soul.

Have a great week, Kheyala

Writer, Healer, Counselor

kheyala1@gmail.com

I just talked with a new coworker whose pictures of his beautiful family were flashing over his screen. We talked about parenting, and kids. Here’s what he said about fatherhood:

“My wife and I have very separate busy lives, but because we are both active in our daughter’s life, our relationship grows stronger.  Many times I wonder how I “turned out OK” because my father was the typical dad of his day, and I was on my own to “grow up.”  Taking an active role in helping my daughter learn new things continues to teach me about myself in return!  The ability to be a part of her life and development as a person is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given.”

I knew what he was talking about. Media images from shows in the 50s and 60s (like “Leave it to Beaver” and “Father Knows Best” ) showed pretty segregated gender roles.  Stereotypical Dads impregnated their wives, brought home the bacon, and meted out discipline when Junior didn’t obey. Nowadays, that’s the kind of scenario someone might bring to therapy to “recover” from.

Times sure have changed.

Though economic pressures weigh heavily on most families, and segregated roles still seem to be the only viable alternative in many two-parent families I talk to, many families find ways to mix things up regardless. Some have for generations!

 Here are three of the biggest benefits I see that men get when they show up and decide to take on parenting as part of who they are:

1) Wholeness. The more time men spend with their families, the more perspective and balance they feel with their outside jobs (and yes, challenge to keep that balance). This results in greater ability to relax (it’s hard to be uptight with little ones jumping on you and giggling),more of an overall sense of well-being, and greater contact with the whole of their humanity, including the part that gets to relate to others. Yes, that great guy is more than a money-making machine–he’s a warm and wonderful DAD!

2) Greater closeness with partner. If a man is partnered, and he and his partner share child responsibilities, they share a significant part of their worlds. When two people have completely separate worlds, they have less to talk about and can become more entrenched in what’s necessary to inhabit the world they spend the most time in. This was most obvious in housewife-breadwinner “Leave it to Beaver” roles of the 1950’s, but still can exert influence on families today. When those roles are more fluid, there’s more common ground to share and bond around. Families who share responsibilities also have a chance to share more intimacy.

And here’s the best thing a “Show-Up” dad gets:

3) A real relationship with his children. We get the relationships we cultivate. When we show up and take an interest in what our kids are doing, listen to them, share in their worlds and share our worlds with them in appropriate and joyful ways, (funny, it works this way with adults, too!) we form the foundation for a rich and rewarding relationship for the rest of our lives.

What do you notice and feel about fatherhood, either your own or that of someone close to you? Please tell us in the comment box below.

Warmly,

Jill

Wanna have more fun with your kids AND keep your heart healthy?

Then try Going for the Giggle!

We’ve all heard the old adage “Laughter is the best medicine.”

Well… guess what?

It’s really true!

Recent heart and blood vessel research shows that laughter may actually help prevent heart disease!  By laughing more with your family, you’ll have more fun and connection while supporting healthy hearts all around.

Here at Awake Parent, we’re big fans of letting kids release their feelings- but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck listening to screaming, crying kids all the time!

Kids can release their feelings through laughter too.  (And it’s usually a LOT more fun for everyone)

There are bunches of ways to bring more humor into our everyday lives.

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Try something spontaneous or silly.

If it brings a smile to their little faces, keep it up!

You might be surprised at what is funny to your kids.

For young children and babies, something as simple as putting a stuffed animal on your head and pretending you don’t know it’s there can produce peals of laughter — especially if you also do a funny face or goofy voice.

For older kids, fart noises are a sure win. (heehee)

Remember keep on being silly until they stop laughing!  If you’re not all lying on the floor in a cuddle puddle, you’re not done yet.

2) Play the fool.

This brings SO much joy to young people…

Anytime you can’t remember something simple –or you’re acting extra clumsy — you have an opportunity to make them laugh.

Not only do they get to laugh at you, they also get to feel smarter and more powerful than you, (Which is a fun change from the norm.)

Try asking your three year old where things are in your home –or forgetting what sounds certain animals make — and you’ll have hours of playful fun.

3) Play the Feather Touch Game.

Like  playing the fool, the Feather Touch game lets your child be strong while you be the (much) weaker one.

Just pretend you’re going about your business, but when your child gently touches you…

Suddenly fall down!

Then pretend you’re not sure what happened, “Whoa, that must have been a strong wind!  One minute I was standing up, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground!”

4) Allow Your Child to be in charge of all tickling.

In case you’re wondering… tickling is only fun when the person being tickled is in charge.

When I was young and playing with my Mom, I LOVED to be tickled, but only because I trusted that my mom would stop, when I said stop.

Being tickled against my will might have seemed like it was fun to an outsider–I was laughing after all…

But inside I felt hurt and angry because I didn’t have any power over my experience.

Tickling can also be scary, even terrifying for kids.

So, yes, tickle your kids if they like it, and ask for it, and make sure they know that you’ll stop when they say so. It’s another fun way to release feelings safely.

Thanks for reading! 
Love, Shelly

Next Week:  Sometimes nobody’s in the mood to giggle, so next week I’ll share six steps to connect with your child.  Learn why sometimes guessing is even better than knowing.

P.S. What did you think about “Going for the Giggle”?  Do these ideas seem like they’ll work in your family?  Are you ready to try them?  Or do you have questions or thoughts?

As always, we welcome your comments, please leave them in the comment box below…