The problem is that by shying away from the important topic of sex all together, we’re actually creating quite a problem. When children don’t know about their body parts or how they work or how babies are made, they make up their own stories about these things or they believe the things their friends tell them and sometimes their ideas about sex are quite a bit off the mark.

When I was about three years old, my very favorite book was “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter Mayle. My parents read it to me often and I loved the whole book. Beginning with some of the false ideas about where babies come from, the book describes in some detail how women’s and men’s bodies differ, exactly what sex is, and how sex resulted in the creation of a baby, namely me!  I was fascinated.

In high school I was shocked to discover that some of my friends STILL didn’t know this information. One of the things I like most about the fact that my parents read me this book is that we were always able to talk openly about sex, our bodies, and other “sensitive” topics. The book opened the door to a lifetime of discussion between me and my parents about what our bodies are like, how they function, and how we can best care for them.

I’m certain that I was able to enjoy a healthy sex life as a young woman without getting pregnant because of the openness and discussion I had with my mom. Oh, and also because of the multiple forms of protection against both STI’s and pregnancy that I used. I think that if I had ever experienced any sexual abuse or rape, I would have been able to talk to my mom about it.

Many of my friends didn’t have that kind of open, honest discussion about sex with their parents. Some of them did experience date rape and/or unwanted pregnancies. Now I’m not saying that if their parents had talked to them about sex, these things wouldn’t have happened. But I do think that being equipped with the correct information would have helped them.

So my husband and I are committed to being open and honest with our daughter about the correct names of male and female body parts (we use penis and vulva by the way), how they work, what happens during sex, how she came to be, and what to do if someone touches her body in a way that she doesn’t like. And yes, I still have my childhood copy of “Where Did I Come From?” to read to her when she’s ready.

How do you handle this topic at your house? Do you think we’re on the right track or completely off base? And what was your experience growing up? Did your parents teach you about sex or did you have to guess?

Have a fantastic week! Love, Shelly

Just the other day I was shopping with my daughter when she asked for “milk please.” I didn’t hesitate to find the nearest chair and claim is as ours for the moment. The other people in the store seemed uncomfortable and avoided us, but that was fine with me. I don’t need privacy to nurse, but I also don’t mind it.

Although the benefits of breast milk are well documented and more and more moms are attempting to breastfeed, it’s not always as easy as we might think it should be and there’s still all kinds of pressure to wean at a young age. “If they can ask for it, they’re too old for it,” is still the prevailing wisdom.

But from the research I’ve done, it looks like nursing for two or even three years is not only acceptable, but is preferable to weaning in the first year. Now I know I might upset some people by declaring my position on breastfeeding, but so be it. I am definitely nursing for a full two years and planning a gentle (hopefully child led) weaning experience for us. Does that make me some kind of breastfeeding activist?

I sure hope not! I hope that more and more moms are choosing to nurse for at least two years; I just haven’t seen them out and about lately. Now I do realize and want to acknowledge that there are some legitimate medical reasons why some moms can’t breastfeed. And sometimes the milk just never comes in. But I also had my fair share of challenges with nursing and never once considered calling it quits. And thank goodness! My nursing relationship with my daughter is better now than it’s ever been before!

I love it when she asks for milk and how sometimes if I don’t respond quickly enough she’ll begin to chant, “Milk, milk, milky, milk,” until I’m ready. When we began our nursing relationship it was difficult. I didn’t get my milk in until day 9, so we had to supplement with donated breast milk for about two weeks. That little tube and syringe were a huge pain. I also had excruciating pain, and used a nipple shield, which we later had to wean from.

Can you picture me with a newborn, a nipple shield, and a syringe full of someone else’s milk trying with all my might to snake that little tube into my daughter’s mouth? I needed about eight arms! And even after months of breastfeeding I was still in pain until I wrote a blog about it and realized that I was having vasospasms in my nipples. OUCH!

But after I realized what was wrong (after NINE months of unexplained nursing pain) I began to treat myself by eating red pepper and cinnamon and taking some herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist. And by staying extra warm during nursing. It worked! Now I can breastfeed pain free!

I guess the reason I’m sharing all of this is because I think my determination to continue to breastfeed has made a HUGE difference in my life. Sure, I had more pain than I would have liked, but I also got to create a bond with my daughter that is absolutely priceless. And now I know that when I’m determined to do something important for my daughter, I can overcome some pretty big challenges to get there.

What are your thoughts or feelings about extended breastfeeding? Would you think I was an activist if you saw me on a park bench nursing my two year old?

Upon further investigation it was discovered that children’s programming is full of examples of relational violence, and often most of the program was about setting up a conflict and the resolution only happened for a few minutes at the end of the show. Unfortunately for preschoolers, they aren’t developmentally able to follow the story line very well, so they end up learning from everything they see, rather than learning the moral of the story. Oops!

OK, so here’s where I come down hard on all television and tell you that young people are infinitely better served by playing games, reading books, contributing to the household, and engaging in pretend play. But you already know all that, and it’s still challenging to keep the TV off. So here’s another take. If you feel you must allow your preschooler to watch TV, try watching along with them and talking about what’s happening.

Children learn best from real live human beings who engage in a dialogue with them. So, your little one is much more likely to understand the moral, if you talk about it together. You can mute the commercials and use the time to process what’s happening in the show. Probing questions like, “How do you think Arthur felt when his friend didn’t want to play with him?” or “What can Word Girl do to help her friends?” can help your child clarify and understand the story line.

I know this doesn’t solve the problem of the most common use of television, to get a few minutes away from the kids to do an adult task, but I have lots of articles and information about how to help your child engage in independent activities. So if you need a few minutes to yourself, I recommend setting them up with an engaging task, rather than plopping them in front of the tube.

So far, my daughter has seen about 10 minutes of television in her whole 16 months of life, so I think it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. But I can imagine that as she gets older we will allow her to watch some nature shows and an occasional movie. But you’d better believe, I’ll be right there by her side, describing, sharing, showing, and educating her about the emotional content of the programs she watches. After all, I can’t think of much that’s more important to me than her emotional education. And since I also have a strong personal commitment to compassionate communication, I want my daughter to have the information and tools she needs to empathize and connect, rather than to hurt and tear down others.

If I really start to think big, I’d like a complete overhaul of children’s programming so that it promotes compassion and emphasizes the resolution of the conflict, rather than the creation of it. Who’s with me?

Please leave me a comment and share this with your friends. And have an awesome day, Shelly

As I pondered the idea of background parenting I couldn’t help thinking that working for a paycheck is probably the most time consuming form of background parenting that exists and sometimes one parent does considerably more of it than the other.  Single parents definitely spend a bunch of their parenting time doing this type of background parenting.

I’m bummed that we’re forced to take time away from our kids so that we can make money to pay for food, rent or a mortgage, and other items.  But the kicker is the money we end up paying for childcare professionals to take care of our kids!  Personally, I’d much rather be with my daughter than pay someone else to.  And I know LOTS of parents who feel the same way.   But sometimes there doesn’t seem to be much of a choice.

On the other hand, I’ve been a childcare professional and I know I took great care of the kids in my charge and I loved them all dearly.  I know some really great childcare professionals and they absolutely deserve to be paid well.  Childcare is a challenging job.

My husband and I are very blessed to have parents here in Bend (they moved here to be closer to our daughter…and us) so I know that when I’m working for a paycheck (from home, mind you), my daughter is busy bonding with her grandparents.  But I know that we’re in a very unique situation.  This is definitely not the norm.  Most people are forced to use some kind of daycare or preschool to cover child-care while they work.  And in some cases they end up taking home a ridiculously small amount once you factor in the cost of childcare.

A few years ago my mom and I went to France and a woman there told me about the French policies regarding maternity leave.  As I recall, parents got a full two years of leave from their jobs with a percentage of their pay and could split up the time any way they liked between mom and dad.  They were also provided in-home help in the first several months, all paid for by the French government.  Now I know we don’t live in France, and we probably don’t pay nearly as much in taxes, but the thing that strikes me about this is the huge difference between the perceived value of spending time with our young children.

In France the system was set up to SUPPORT parents getting to spend time with their children.  Here in the US, that is definitely not the case, at least not yet.  Instead, we’re encouraged to drop our kids off at daycare where the ratio of infants to adults is 3 or 4:1 and for preschoolers it’s as much as 12:1.

I’m frustrated about this and I also feel somewhat hopeless.  I have no idea what I can do to change things, but spending most of our time doing background parenting and only a little bit of it doing connection parenting just isn’t good for kids OR parents.  So, what can we do about it?

How have you come to terms with this in your family?  I would love to hear your story.  Please leave me a comment if you feel inspired to do so.

And have a wonderful week!  Warmly, Shelly

I mean, I think I can handle using a hanky instead of tissues, but I’m not so sure I’m willing to give up toilet paper.  And, while I enjoy buying bulk, I also really like some foods that are pre-packaged.  Hmmmm

I feel I’ve been working toward a more sustainable lifestyle for a long time now.  I’ve composted for about seven years and I love watching the soil come alive with organisms when it’s given some nutrients.  Last spring we raised chicks at our house, and now we’re getting three or four eggs a day from our four hens.  The chickens are such sweet pets and the eggs are delicious.

This year we’ve harvested quite a few mature apples from the apple tree in the front yard, and there are still several more on the branch.  I fertilized the tree with bat droppings.  I wonder who collected the bat scat and where it was harvested.   Does anyone know if chicken droppings would work as a flower/fruit fertilizer?

I also shop secondhand a bunch.  I use my local kids resale shop, Kids-n-Style like a rental house for toys, clothes, and baby gear.  I walk in with something to trade and walk out with the thing I’m really wanting that is perfect for my daughter’s current stage of development.  It’s really a win/win.  And then there are the environmental benefits of less manufacturing, less transportation and shipping.  Oh, and I bring my re-usable bags with me everywhere, and I use them.  So I think I’ve made some really positive changes that help me to live a more sustainable life.

One of the choices that I’m most proud of is my choice to cloth diaper my daughter.  In fact, I have NEVER used a single disposable diaper for her, even when we traveled across the country.  I’m really happy to know that we haven’t added any diapers to our landfill.

On the other hand, I LOVE hot water.  In fact, conserving water at all is a BIG challenge for me.  And while I’m thinking of putting up a clothesline, I’m not sure if I’m going to like the stiffness of the line-dried clothes.  Does that make me an irresponsible energy hog?

We also have a hot tub and I do NOT want to give it up just to reduce our energy consumption.  I find the hot water absolutely therapeutic.  My husband and I often spend “date nap” in the hot tub.  It was absolutely wonderful to be in the warm water during the first stages of birth…mmmm.

Oh, and I really enjoy having bananas and other tropical fruits on hand, no matter what time of year it is.  I understand that it would be better for the environment if I ate only locally produced food, but we have a very short growing season here in Bend, Oregon and come on, who can resist the bananas at the grocery store?  I surely can’t, at least not yet…

So, what if I had a solar powered home and I set up a very tall grow room for my banana tree?  That’s eating locally and producing the energy to grow my own food, but I guess I didn’t really take into account the production of the solar panels.  OK, I’ll admit that’s a pretty outlandish example, but isn’t it strange to be learning to produce less waste and use less energy while typing away on my laptop?  I wash some of my clothes with an old fashioned washboard, but I also stream movies through my big flat screen TV.  By the way, are the photovoltaic production plants running on solar power yet?

As you can see, sustainability is a VAST topic and at our house we’re no where near achieving it, but I think we’re doing pretty well so far and I know we’ll continue to learn, change, grow, and improve, because, well, that’s just what we do!

Have you made any recent changes at your house to improve your impact on the environment?  I would love to hear about it!  Have a super week, Shelly

It’s all pretty interesting stuff, so here’s what I’ve learned so far…

1)     We dream in all stages of sleep, not just REM sleep and scientists think that REM sleep dreams are specifically designed as practice to help us figure out how to handle emotionally difficult situations.

2)    Children today get an hour less sleep per night than children did just 30 years ago.

3)    Just 15 min. of extra sleep at night has been shown to give kids higher cognitive functioning, better test scores and better grades in school.

4)   A LOT of the symptoms of both ADHD and clinical depression are identical to symptoms of long-term sleep deprivation.

5)    A lack of sleep causes chemical changes in the body that may be the underlying cause of the obesity epidemic here in the US.

6)    Sleep is crucial to learning and if allowed to sleep in between lessons, subjects show marked improvements in newly learned skills.

7)    While adults only spend 4% of sleep in the slow wave stage of sleep, Children spend almost 40% of their sleep there.

Clearly, there’s a LOT going on regarding sleep and the optimal functioning of our amazing brain.  From our own experiences we know that sleep is crucial to learning.  Haven’t you ever learned something new and then gone to sleep and dreamed about it all night long?  Well, the research bears out this intuitive knowledge that sleep is crucial to learning.

So, why are kids getting less sleep?  Well, I have some theories.  First, screen time and bright lights at night have been shown to disrupt our circadian rhythms, so kids are having a harder time falling asleep because they’ve recently been exposed to bright lights or screens.  And then there’s the fact that so many working parents are working such long hours that they barely get to see their kids in the evening.  So parents are keeping their kids up later so that they can have some time together during the week.  And children don’t seem to be complaining.  Obviously they will try to stay up as late as we will let them, not realizing the long-term consequences of sleep deprivation.

So, as conscious, aware parents, we have got to put our children’s long-term health and well-being above our momentary desire for fifteen more minutes with them at the end of a long day.  Now that we have this new, proven knowledge of the importance of sleep, it’s our job to take action.

We need to reclaim the “lost hour” and boy will we be glad when we have.  After taking a good hard look at the research, I’m convinced that by putting sleep first, we’ll all end up with happier, more focused, higher functioning, and better adjusted kids.  And what could possibly be more important than that?

Have a restful week, Shelly

There are all sorts of dangers both seen and unseen in our world today and it can be overwhelming when we focus on what could go wrong.  A simple pool of water can become scary.  But sometimes we take the job of protecting our children too far.  By being honest with our kids, they may experience some pain, but they’re sure to fare better in life than they would otherwise.

When I talk with parents about being more honest with their children I hear all sorts of objections.  “Are you sure it’s appropriate to tell my child that?!” and “I don’t want to burden him with my feelings.”  But I think it’s a very slippery slope to withhold information from our children in order to “protect” them.  It actually seems to do just the opposite.  It hurts our kids when we don’t tell them the truth and they end up learning that they can’t count on us.

As a child, one of the things I admired most about my mom was how brutally, really, honest with me she was.  Granted, she didn’t offer a bunch of unsolicited information, but when I asked her a frank question, I knew I could count on her to answer honestly.

When I was five or six I asked my mom what the worst word in the world was.  And, after asking me to promise never to use it, she leaned down and whispered the “f word” into my ear.  I was shocked and in awe of my moms commitment to honesty.  And until I was a teenager, I never used it.  I was just curious, and I wanted to be prepared in case someone else used “bad words” in my presence.  Obviously it was a pivotal moment for me, considering I still remember it so vividly.

My mom was also very honest about sex, even when I was very young.  By the time I was 4 years old, I knew exactly where babies came from and I knew the scientific names of both male and female body parts.  As a teenager, talking to my mom about sex was easy because we’d already been talking about it for 10 years!  We had built a foundation of truth and trust that I knew I could rely on.

I’m so grateful for that foundation now, because as I got to know other girls and young women in my teens and twenties, I realized that my mom’s honesty was really quite rare.  Most of my friends’ moms had never talked with them about contraception or their monthly moon time, and as a result many of my friends were confused about the facts, unprepared to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy, and several of them ended up with unwanted pregnancies.

I want my daughter to be informed and well prepared for life on her own.  So I think I’ll take my mom’s approach and be truthful with my child about her body, sex, and even my own feelings.  I want her to have that same foundation of trust and a deeply ingrained knowledge that no matter what, she can count on me to be honest with her.

I can only hope that by talking with her about challenging topics now, when she’s young, it will make it that much easier for us to talk about the tough stuff when she’s a teenager and young adult.

I’m curious, what’s your experience with being brutally honest with your children.  Have you seen benefits from being committed to the truth?  Have you experienced the pain of disconnection when you weren’t honest?  Please leave me a comment and share your story below.

Have a fantastic and vulnerably revealing week, Shelly

We each make choices about which words we’ll use to describe our lives every single day.  Don’t we all have a friend who almost constantly whines and complains?  Or know someone who uses language that is offensive to us?  I do my best to be hyper aware of my language and which words I choose to use.   I want to use words that are empowering and inspiring as much as possible, especially around my daughter.

When I first became aware of my word choices and their power, I noticed that I apologized a LOT.  I said “I’m sorry” dozens of times a day. I also discovered that I was afraid to speak up, worried about taking up too much space, and I rarely expressed myself very powerfully.  In a way, I was apologizing for my very being!  But it didn’t feel very good, so I systematically trained myself to stop apologizing habitually, and now I only apologize when I really mean it.

As I continued to explore consciously choosing my words, I realized there was a very specific word that I actually despise.  The word is “should.”  Every time I heard the word “should” I was reminded of other people’s expectations for me, and all the times I had been externally motivated.  I realized that I had been living my life to please other people, but I wasn’t really enjoying it at all! So I began working to develop a strong internal motivation, a clear inner sense of yes and no,  and I abolished the word “should” from my vocabulary.

My friends and I worked together to remind one another when “should” crept back into our language by stopping and saying, “Did you just ‘should’ on me?!”  Bringing a little bit of humor to our mission to abolish “should” made it a fun game that we could all play together.  And it really helped to have the support of people who were all committed to conscious word choices.  By the way, if you want an easy and empowering word replacement, try “could” instead of “should.”  It works almost all of the time!

Now that I’m a mom, I’m reminded yet again how important it is to be aware of the words we use when we talk to our kids.  Of course tone of voice, affect, and energy are often even more important than word choice.  But I still think it’s worthwhile to pay attention to the words we use.

After all, our kids will surely parrot those words back to us, and who really wants their 4 year old saying, “Mommy, you should eat your vegetables before your chocolate.”  Personally, I would much rather hear someone ask me if I would or could, rather than telling me that I should.  Don’t the young people in our lives deserve that same respect from their elders?  I sure think so!

I would love to know what you think about the word “should” and it’s impact on young people.  Please share your opinion or story below!

Thanks for being here and have a great day, Shelly

I don’t know about you, but becoming aware of exactly what is happening in my financial life is challenging for me.  Recording my spending and then analyzing it is frightening.  Creating and sticking to a budget feels foreign, and planning our financial future feels like sitting at the bottom of a very deep well and inching my way up brick by brick.  And then there’s the issue of increasing our income and decreasing our bottom line.  So now I’m hyperventilating.  Well, not really, but you get my point.

But the thing is, if we don’t pay attention to our finances, we will continue to live paycheck to paycheck, never really saving for our future, and as retirement approaches we’ll be up a creek without a paddle.  On the other hand, if we take a good look at our finances and bring the light of awareness to our earning, spending, saving and such, we actually have the ability to set goals and strive for them.

And if there’s one thing I know from years and years of personal development, it’s that setting a goal is the quickest way to make a change.  When we strive for things, we can often achieve much more than we would otherwise.

Now here’s the kicker, if we turn away from the responsibility of our financial future, we’re not just hurting ourselves anymore, we’re hurting our children too.  And not just because we can’t provide the things we want to give them.  I mean sure, it’ll be nice to know that we can actually afford to buy our kids healthy food and fun toys, or maybe we plan to save up for their college education.  But the real disservice comes in our children’s dysfunctional relationship to money.

We are always teaching our kids.  No matter how much we’d like to pretend they’re not learning things unless we intend to teach them, the truth is, they’re absorbing our relationship to money.  They will use our financial health as a template on which to build their own beliefs about money.

That’s not to say that they’ll be the same as we are.  Some kids grow up in poverty, don’t like it, and go on to become millionaires.  Others grow up in decadence, never learning the value of hard work or the need to earn money, and end up in poverty.  Still others consciously choose one road or the other, or something in between.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that we have a unique opportunity to help our children develop a healthy relationship to money.  But first, we have to start by healing our own relationships to it.  After we’ve examined our thoughts, beliefs, and actions around money and taken responsibility for our finances, we can teach our children to do the same.

I’m guessing we’ve all had the experience of telling our children no when they ask for something in line at the grocery store.  But I’m curious how we will tell them no and what message about money they will get from that.  Is it because “we can’t afford it” or because “we don’t choose to spend our hard earned money on candy” or will we remind them of that great vacation we’re saving up for?  I wonder how we can make our conversations about money inspiring, informative, and age appropriate for our children.

This week, take a good hard look at your financial wellbeing.  Are there areas that need your attention?  If all that’s already handled (is it ever really all handled?), then set some financial goals.  Finally, ask yourself, how will I teach my children about the beauty, wonder, and challenges of money this week?

Oh! And have a wonderful Mother’s Day

Love to you all, Shelly