I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.

One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.”

Wow–what a difference a little phrasing makes! In the first example, I’m a victim of circumstance, and some outside force is “making” me go to work. In the second, I acknowledge a) that I am making a choice (after all, I am), and all the reasons I keep making that choice.

Now what about with the young people in our lives? What might be another way of communicating something we aren’t giving them a choice about?

Let’s try some of these:

You have to clean your room.
You have to brush your teeth every day.
You have to go to bed now.

How do you feel when someone tells you you “have to” do something? My first internal response is, “No, I don’t.” I think  that’s the part of me that loves and needs the joy and beauty of freedom. This need for autonomy is something we all have. And, as convenient as it might be to tell our kids they “have to” do something, I think some different ways of phrasing it can open opportunities for more connection, more understanding, and enabling them to develop a deeper and more nuanced way of engaging with the world.

See what you think of these:

Let’s clean up your room. Or, Do you like your room the way it is? Would you like some help straightening it up? Or, Would you like to clean your room now, or after dinner?

Brushing your teeth every day takes away the bacteria that make plaque that make holes in your teeth. Can you imagine what it would be like to try to chew your food if your teeth had holes in them? Do you know what the dentist does to fix your teeth when you get a cavity?

It’s bedtime. Or, It’s 8:30. Or, I want to make sure you get enough sleep so that you have the energy to do all you want to do tomorrow.

I’m getting tired. Please tell me that by now, I don’t need to explain in great detail why the second options might go farther in creating the connections you want with your children. And above all, don’t tell me that I “have to.”

Seriously, what are you telling yourself or your children you or they “have to” do?  Are you willing to try phrasing it differently so you don’t “have to” do anything?

Please let me know how it goes.

In freedom,

Jill

Lately my son has been telling me some new things, including…

“I hate you!”, “I hate you both!” (to his dad and me), “You’re making me starve!” (when I won’t cook a second or third dinner) and “You’re a poo-poo head!”

I hadn’t heard these things from him until recently.

Well now, the “poo-poo head” is getting to have her say. Read on.

I have to admit, these new things he’s saying are taking me aback. Mostly I think it’s because there’s a level of directedness toward me that wasn’t there before. It’s hard not to take it personally and react accordingly.

Maybe if he were a real leopard cub, he’d be going “RRAAHHhhrr,” and I’d be extending a big fat mama lion paw in response.

But here in the human world, I found myself stuck. So…

I signed up for a parenting coaching session with Shelly . I was having a hard time putting into practice what we preach talk about here at AwakeParent.com.

She helped me to look at my son not as an adversary, but as someone moving from being a little boy to being a bigger boy—someone who needs my help to do this. She reminded me to tune into with his needs for autonomy and connectedness.

She also reminded me of something I know intellectually but find it hard to remember when a little being is yelling at me and slamming doors…

Assume positive intention, or, as Marshall Rosenberg puts it, “Violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs.”

Everyone, no matter what we’re doing, is always trying to make life go better, however misguided our actions might seem. If nothing else, when I keep this in mind, I’m more likely to feel compassion rather than anger toward my fifty-pound maverick.

Shelly also reminded me that this is my son’s best attempts at meeting his needs.

I prefer this story to “He has it in for me.”

If I remember how lovely it feels to connect with him, and how things can flow when we’re playing together, or even just taking a walk or a drive, I can see that, even in the throes of harsh words and actions, he is doing his best.

Five and a half years is not a very long time to gain a mastery of anything, let alone the art of being human. I have nearly forty years on him, and I can still fill several pages with things I wish I hadn’t said or done.

Finally, when my son is at least calm enough to interact, I can sometimes remember to ask him what he is needing and wanting.

For example, after refusing to pull his shoes onto his feet, and insisting I do it instead, I asked him, “Are you wanting to feel loved and cared for?”, remembering that this has been a need he’s revealed in the past.

When I asked him, he softened.

He still wanted me to put the shoe on for him, but at least I introduced the concept that I can tune into his needs without necessarily agreeing with how he goes about meeting them.

Sometimes, in the past, I have said something like, “I can understand that. I love you and care for you tremendously, and…I am busy with something else right now, so I’m going to let you refill your water glass yourself.”

As Shelly mentioned in her Steps to a happier family post last week, it’s not so much whether our guesses are 100% accurate, but that we care enough to tune in and guess at all. This is what will build connection and trust.

Warmly, Jill

P.S. Have you been feeling challenged with the young ones in your life? We love to hear about it. Share your stories and thoughts below in the comment box…