I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action.  Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention.  And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.

Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met.  They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.

When we can assume a positive intention and even try to discover what that intention might be, suddenly we can move from feeling angry and exasperated, “Why in the WORLD would she DO that?!” to a state of compassion and understanding.  “Oh, I see, she was needing some excitement and stimulation, so she woke up the baby to play with him.”

When we’re aware of the underlying needs behind our children’s seemingly bizarre behavior, we can start to empathize with them and teach them better strategies that will actually get them what they want.  But first we have to learn to breathe and take a moment BEFORE we react.

Right now, imagine the most frustrating thing your child has done in the past week or so.  Remember how you responded.  Now, consider, what might be the positive intention behind your child’s actions?  Imagine yourself in a similar situation in the future.  Is there a way you could have responded that would have created more connection and understanding between you and your child?

Let’s try the “Assume a positive intention” technique:

You see your child doing something that makes your heart race and your mind jump to all sorts of troubling conclusions.  You decide to implement assuming a positive intention behind all actions.  First you breathe, then you think, “What could the positive intention behind this action be?,” then you come up with some idea, you check in with your child, “Sweetie, were you really wanting to see what why I won’t let you have food near the computer?  Are you needing some more information and understanding about that?  Were you enjoying the feeling of the peanut butter on your hands?”

Your child feels heard, understood, and maybe a little bit confused about why you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs yet.  Now’s your chance to calmly let your child know how you feel about the strategy he’s chosen.  Be sure to use the words “I feel” and then an actual emotion.  “I feel worried when I see my computer caked with peanut butter, I’m not sure it will work any more and computers cost a lot of money, so now I might not have a computer any more.  I feel sad about that.”

And finally, assuming you’ve kept your cool, your child should be ready for some learning!  So now you get to share a new strategy for next time.  “What could you do next time instead of putting peanut butter on my computer?  Could you ask me about why I don’t allow food near it?  Could you ask me for a cracker to smear peanut butter on?  What do you think?”

I would love to hear your stories about the wild things your kids have done, how you’ve handled it, and what you think about the idea of assuming a positive intention as a way to practice understanding and compassion with children.  Please leave me a comment!  Hugs, Shelly

I’ve been wanting to be a mom for as long as I can remember. And I’ve prepared in all sorts of ways for my future children. After I graduated from college I realized that I wasn’t very patient, so I went to work at a preschool (yeah, I love a challenge). I knew that 3 year olds were difficult for me to be with, so I headed straight for the 3-4yo classroom to practice patience and learn how little people learn best. More recently I was a nanny for several amazing boys, practicing newborn care, learning to handle sibling rivalry, and generally practicing for motherhood.

But now that the time for motherhood is getting closer, I’m getting a whole new education. I’m learning about my body. I had no idea how much I didn’t know about my own body, its cycles, its hormones, its fluids. I’m realizing now that my body is constantly speaking to me about all sorts of things all the time.

I’ve started reading “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler and this book is like the bible of the female body. Did you know that just by charting your waking basal body temperature you can know almost immediately if you’re pregnant? I mean, WELL before you miss a period. You can also know when you’ve ovulated, when you’re experiencing menopause, and how long your actual cycle is (instead of assuming it’s the average 28 days).

All this knowledge can really inform and educate us, and I can’t believe that it took me so long to discover it! It leaves me wondering, what else have I been missing out on? I’ve been so focused on child development, conscious parenting, and personal growth, that I’ve forgotten about my own body!

Sound familiar? Are you so wrapped up in the lives of your kids, your husband, and your best friend that you’ve forgotten something as simple as connecting with yourself and your own body? Well, I’m here to remind you to take a moment and check in. Maybe that looks like recording your basal body temperature and the position of your cervix, or maybe it’s just getting back to that yoga class. It could be as simple as taking the time to prepare yourself a healthy and delicious snack, instead of eating the leftover cookies in the bottom of the diaper bag.

I’m better about tuning in to my body than I used to be. When I was a preschool teacher I was constantly fighting off a cold or flu of some kind. I felt pressured to go to work even when I wasn’t feeling well because the administrators always had a hard time finding a sub. So, I would push myself and push myself until I collapsed. I was usually out for several days at that point.

Now that I’m self-employed, I’ve learned to listen to my body more. When I feel my immune system kicking in trying to fight something off, I take a break, I rest and pretty soon I feel better. I haven’t had a full-blown cold or flu in several years now. And I owe it all to listening to my body.

The same goes for injuries. I used to injure my shoulder or back or neck at least once a month because I thought I could lift more than I could safely, or I thought I “should” be able to carry the groceries all in one load. I was in too much of a hurry to listen. But then I’d pay the price. I’d be laid up for days, unable to use my arm or popping pain pills. Now I check in with my body every time I’m about to lift something heavy. “Is this OK?” I’ll ask. Don’t laugh, I actually have this conversation inside myself and sometimes my body says, “Stop! Don’t do that, find another way.” And again, with the guidance of my intelligent body, I haven’t felt the need to take any pain medication stronger than ibuprofen in over six years.

Now, I’m not saying that pain medication doesn’t have its place. You might hear your body say, “please give me some relief!” My point is not whether to take medication or not, it’s just to listen to the innate wisdom of your amazing body. By doing this, we also model this kind of awareness for our children. We can ask the same questions of them, and really listen and tune in. (More on that in another blog!)

So, take some time today and everyday to check in with your body. Remember, it’s trying to tell you something right this very minute, but we have to take the time to listen. I’d love to hear about your own experiences of tuning in to your body. What works? What hasn’t worked? And why do you think it’s important to take time to check in?

Sending big hugs, Shelly

So Responsible!

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but working in preschools has taught me that when kids act out, it’s often because they’re bored and want attention from us. I’ve noticed that when I give these kids MORE responsibility, jobs to do, and tasks to complete (without being too ATTACHED to them actually accomplishing the task) they respond by becoming more driven and successful.

This creates a positive cycle in which:
1) You notice some behaviors you don’t like.
2) Rather than focusing on those behaviors, you offer alternatives in the form of tasks, jobs, or responsibilities (careful here though, these must be tasks that would be nice to have done, but which are true requests- not demands).
3) Kids step up and become more willing and able to help out.
4) You notice and respond positively to these new behaviors.
5) The old behaviors you didn’t like naturally disappear as your child stretches to learn and grow.
6) Kids get the positive attention they’ve been craving all along, and now they’ve learned how to be productive with their extra energy!

When I’ve done this in preschools I’ve seen young people go from “troublemaker” to “teacher’s pet” in a matter of days. I’m not kidding, the very kids that were driving me crazy, messing up other people’s work, and just causing a ruckus became model citizens who in turn helped other kids to stay on task, follow the rules, and clean up after themselves.

Kids can choose a number of paths, some that help them assume responsible, self-sustaining and caring roles in their communities, others that disrupt peace, hurt others and require attention adults usually don’t enjoy giving.

But here’s the thing- the destructive path only gets them so far. Sure, there’s the initial thrill of shocking those around them, and maybe there’s even a payoff of extra attention. Perhaps they even get a little extra respect at first as they begin to experience their own power.

A note on attention—Young people often either can’t or don’t distinguish between positive and negative attention very well. Either one is more attention after all. And for a kid who’s hungry for attention, even negative attention feels good. So, consider for a moment that rather than trying to tick you off, kids are really just trying to meet their own needs for attention!

And then the thrill wears off…

Because ultimately it’s in kids’ best interest to remain aligned with the adults in their lives. They have an innate drive to be connected with the people who feed, clothe, and bathe them.

So, after a while, the more connected, constructive path begins to look a lot more appealing. Because when we can teach kids how to use their intelligence and inspiration to help and support (rather than be destructive to) their families and communities, we’re inviting them into a much more fulfilling role to play. And not just for now, but for their entire lives!

But whatever path your child is choosing in a given moment, the more we can remember to hold them with compassion and keep in mind that they’re always doing their best to meet their needs, the more we can model the peaceful, loving behavior we’re really wanting from them.

And, like it or not, your kids will behave like you do.

So, remember that you’re the leader, helping the young people in your life choose the path that’s most life-giving and enjoyable by seeing the positive intentions behind all their behaviors, even the ones that bug you the most.

And when they’re willing, give them jobs and tasks to help them build a stronger foundation of trust and responsibility.

I’d love to hear about your experiences as you try this out. Please leave a comment here…

Love and hugs, Shelly

Let me try some different words...

I now have great sympathy for whomever said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” Sometimes it feels like the last thing I can manage is to process yet another whine, yell or insult at the end of a long day. It’s times like those I want to reach for an “off” button. Or to borrow Shelly’s patience .

While responding to Jasmine’s comment last week, I started thinking about the different ways I handle behaviors that challenge me. While there are probably an infinite number of ways I respond, I can think of two main ways: vulnerable and controlling.

A simple way of breaking it down is, sometimes, when I feel sad, angry or frustrated, I feel myself opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling. Sort of an “Ahhhhhh” sense to it. That’s the vulnerable way.

Other times, I feel myself contracting, pushing the feeling aside and trying to control the situation. More of “Spit-spot, let’s go!”-Mary Poppins sort of feel to it. (Well, on a good day.)

Usually, when I’m with my son, I tend to contract and try to control whatever behavior is stimulating my sadness, anger or frustration. Not wanting to be controlled, my son rebels. Who can blame him? I was (ok, am) exactly the same way.

It’s hard for me to remember that I also have the vulnerable option: opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling.

If I want my son to be able to express himself in this way, and receive other peoples’ vulnerable expressions with love and kindness, hadn’t we better start at home?

It’s a hard enough thing, sometimes, to remember to do with other adults. With an unbridled, unpredictable, loud, careening child, sometimes I feel like I’d be lucky to be able to pull this off once a year.

But when I do, I notice that I start to look at him differently. I see him as someone with vast human ability, a complex human, rather than an object in my orbit to be managed.

Also, by being vulnerable, I show him I respect him enough to trust him with my feelings. Not burden him inappropriately by dumping stuff on him he can’t handle, nor by attacking him, but by sharing gently and openly how what I see and hear affects me.

For example, instead of saying, “Please take the cymbals out of the kitchen,” I might say, “Ouch, those hurt my ears. It’s hard to hear myself think. Would you be willing to play with those in the other room?”

In other words, I can start with myself and what’s going on with me. “Wow, that was hard to hear, kind of felt like a slam in the gut.” “Aargh, I’m really frustrated, I spent a lot of time putting that stuff together and really liked it the way it was. I’m sad, and disappointed to see it all over the floor!”

By starting with sharing our feelings, we get to practice and model the same skill we want to teach: use your words! But with the added step of sharing our feelings first.

Warmly,

Jill

P.S. What kinds of words have you been using with the young ones in your life? We love to hear about it. Share your stories and thoughts below in the comment box…