This week’s guest blog is from my stepdad Jim:

As a person “of a certain age,” I have to admit to an occasional bit of amusement at Shelly’s parenting tips. Some seem a little odd (as I suppose my ideas about parenting seemed to my parents) and some just seem like old ideas dressed up in new words. But the basic theme of this blog, Conscious Parenting, isn’t a concept I ‘d encountered before and it’s one that has a lot of meaning for me as both a stepparent and a biological one.

I believe that being Shelly’s stepdad helped me be a much better parent when my son came along later. I believe that because, in my experience, becoming a stepparent is a much more conscious decision than becoming a parent the old-fashioned, biological way. It may seem counter-intuitive but think about it.

When you meet someone with a child and decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing, the presence of the kid is a major factor in your decision. And the kid usually isn’t just a cute little, happy paperweight of a baby but a complex, confounding and totally unique individual. The developing relationship isn’t just hugs and kisses; it’s a tricky three-way negotiation of how you will fit into a preexisting family unit. By the time you walk down the aisle you have a pretty good idea of what you’re getting into and you know when you say, “I do” you’re committing to parenting as well as marriage.

Contrast that with the way we become biological parents (and I’m not talking about the mechanics here). We talk about “starting a family” or “having children” but rarely do we ask our spouse or ourselves if we want to become parents. Once we’ve decided to have kids (assuming things work out) we have nine crazy months to plan for the birth, hold showers and decorate the baby’s room. We might even take a “parenting” class but the odds are the class will focus on infants and probably substitute an inanimate doll for the baby.

While we might occasionally lose sleep over the sudden realization that, “OMG, I’m going to be a parent,” we usually get past it without really coming to grips with what that means.

Personally, I didn’t accept the reality of parenting my son until one night when he was a couple of months old and I found myself standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store tossing Pampers (forgive me for I have sinned) into the trunk of my car. As I stood there, staring at the Pampers and wondering, “How the heck did this happen?” I realized I once again had a commitment to make: accept the responsibility to parent my child or run from it (figuratively or literally). I pulled myself together and drove home.

Whether you’re a step, biological, foster, adoptive or some other type of parent, that commitment to parent (rather than just be a parent) is the core of Conscious Parenting. And it’s not a commitment you make once and move on, but one that needs to be continually and consciously renewed as your child grows and changes and offers you the chance to grow and change with her.

Please share your thoughts about your own parenting journey in the comment box below.

And have a good week,

James Cook

Jim is Shelly’s stepfather and a brand new grandparent. When he’s not busy spoiling the baby (or Shelly) he does illustration, web design, and teaches the online Dominate Dreamweaver web/design and development course.

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Have you ever noticed that the way kids are around animals is like a microcosm of the way they are around everyone? When young people are happy, comfortable, and compassionate, they treat animals with kindness and care. And when they’re upset about something or feeling picked on and powerless, they often take out their aggressions on the family pet.

If you have a pet, pay attention this week to how your children treat the animals in your home. Are they gentle and caring, allowing the pet to come to them? Or do they chase, pull, grab, and harass the family cat or dog?

If your child is treating animals with care, you can develop their empathy skills even further by assigning them responsibilities like feeding the animals and giving them water. Older kids can even help brush and bathe the family pet. By taking the time to care for another, young people can begin to realize that they can have a positive impact on others through their care and hard work.

If on the other hand, your child is treating animals in a less than compassionate way, this is a perfect opportunity for them to learn empathy! By showing your child how to touch a pet in a way that is pleasurable for the animal, you can help your child develop a new awareness of other creatures and their likes and dislikes. When you remind your child that the cat doesn’t like to be chased, but will come and sit on her lap if invited, you’re teaching her patience, kindness, and how to be magnetic and inviting. What a great set of skills!

If you have dogs, you can help your kids learn how to be calm, assertive, and loving toward the family dog. When I was about 7 years old, my grandfather taught me the German commands for his highly trained German Sheppard “Gauner”. I delighted in my ability to command a dog that was as big as I was and Gauner and I quickly became the best of friends.

I’m definitely a pet person, with two dogs, two cats, and a fantasy about getting 4 chickens, I love to care for my pets, enjoy their companionship, and watch them play and enjoy life. If you’re not interested in having such high maintenance pets, you can still teach empathy and compassion with easier pets like a goldfish or turtle, or by going to a local farm, a friends house, or even a park.

As a nanny, I was outside with two boys one summer. We were hunting for bugs and creating insect habitats for them in a plastic container. We were careful with the insects and made sure they had water, dirt, and plant materials similar to the ones we found them in. We observed them with a magnifying glass, drew pictures, and looked them up in an insect book. It was a blast!

Suddenly the older boy got very excited about a spider he had found, he showed it to me and his brother and then proceeded to drop it on the ground and smash it with his foot. I was devastated! I had be enjoying the insects and our care for them so much it was completely surprising and confusing to me that he would want to kill the spider.

I sat down on the ground and cried a little bit. As he saw my reaction, my charge’s empathy and compassion kicked in and he came over to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I was sad that the spider was dead. I shared how much I appreciate spiders because they’re predators and they help plants by eating the insects that infest them. I could see his mind turning over this new information, processing and assessing as we talked. “Oh!” he declared, “I never knew spiders were so valuable! Next time I find a big spider I’ll take care of it, I won’t squish it.”

I was amazed. I hadn’t told him not to kill spiders. I hadn’t even mentioned that he was the one who killed the spider. Yet, by sharing my experience and my own love and compassion for spiders, he was easily able to change his mind from, “spiders are icky and mean” to “spiders are valuable members of the ecosystem”!

So, whether or not you have pets, you can teach your child empathy by connecting with animals. I would love to hear about your own experiences with animals and kids. Have a fantastic week, Shelly

Parents are the ultimate experts on the art of surrender.  You have to be.  If we didn’t surrender to the reality of our lives as parents, we’d be miserable and struggling constantly!  Instead, we learn to go with the flow, relax and let go, and accept what is.  Before I was pregnant I never realized how soon this process begins.  But during the first few months of pregnancy when I was nauseous unless I was constantly eating protein, I realized that I was in practice mode for parenting already.  I had to let go of my own desires and eat what my baby needed.  And at first I felt I was forced to surrender.

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth.  As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.”  Boy am I grateful for that CD!  Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa!  You’re ONLY 5 months?  You’re HUGE!”  But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth.  No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next.  And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years!   Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument.  They would go back and forth on a specific issue for a while and then when one of them was clearly proven “right” the other person would say, “Honey, you were right and I was wrong.”   My jaw would drop open in disbelief because they had been so adamant just moments before about their own position.  But when one would make that declaration to the other, I could feel the tension drain from the room.  I could see the “victor” completely relax and enjoy the victory, and the vanquished, gracefully accepting his or her defeat.  It was a beautiful moment of surrender.

Now in general, I tend to shy away from notions of “right” and “wrong” as much as possible because I often find the concepts of right and wrong to be very polarizing and upsetting.  But in the case of my mom and step-dad, through their ability to surrender, they found a way to honor one another’s opinion and remain connected.

I wonder if you’d be willing to practice this art with your kids this week.  Certainly there will be times when setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is what’s called for, but this week, keep an eye out for the times when a graceful surrender could be the most connecting choice.

I’d love to hear all about your experiences of the art of surrender.  Please share some with me in the space below.

Thanks!  And have a wonderful day, Shelly

I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.

One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.”

Wow–what a difference a little phrasing makes! In the first example, I’m a victim of circumstance, and some outside force is “making” me go to work. In the second, I acknowledge a) that I am making a choice (after all, I am), and all the reasons I keep making that choice.

Now what about with the young people in our lives? What might be another way of communicating something we aren’t giving them a choice about?

Let’s try some of these:

You have to clean your room.
You have to brush your teeth every day.
You have to go to bed now.

How do you feel when someone tells you you “have to” do something? My first internal response is, “No, I don’t.” I think  that’s the part of me that loves and needs the joy and beauty of freedom. This need for autonomy is something we all have. And, as convenient as it might be to tell our kids they “have to” do something, I think some different ways of phrasing it can open opportunities for more connection, more understanding, and enabling them to develop a deeper and more nuanced way of engaging with the world.

See what you think of these:

Let’s clean up your room. Or, Do you like your room the way it is? Would you like some help straightening it up? Or, Would you like to clean your room now, or after dinner?

Brushing your teeth every day takes away the bacteria that make plaque that make holes in your teeth. Can you imagine what it would be like to try to chew your food if your teeth had holes in them? Do you know what the dentist does to fix your teeth when you get a cavity?

It’s bedtime. Or, It’s 8:30. Or, I want to make sure you get enough sleep so that you have the energy to do all you want to do tomorrow.

I’m getting tired. Please tell me that by now, I don’t need to explain in great detail why the second options might go farther in creating the connections you want with your children. And above all, don’t tell me that I “have to.”

Seriously, what are you telling yourself or your children you or they “have to” do?  Are you willing to try phrasing it differently so you don’t “have to” do anything?

Please let me know how it goes.

In freedom,

Jill

In the Montessori classroom we have a LOT going on. Twenty-four kids are doing individual and group activities, the head teacher is demonstrating activities, and the assistant teacher is available to help kids when they need a hand.

So, when it comes to serving snack, the more the kids can help themselves, the better. This is true at home too. I mean, how many times have you been happily folding a load of laundry when your three year old whines, “Mommy, I’m huuuunnggrryyy.”

Here’s the solution! If you put out the necessary ingredients for a healthy snack on a child-sized table at say 9am every morning (or at 3pm if your kids are more hungry in the afternoon) your children can serve themselves whenever they’re hungry. This promotes independence while ensuring that your kids are eating a nutritious snack AND you don’t have to get up from your own work to serve them.

Here are some snacks that I’ve seen work well for 3, 4, and 5 year olds:

1. Cheese and crackers
2. Peanut or other nut butters with crackers
3. “Ants on a log” Celery with peanut butter and raisins
4. Carrot sticks with dip
5. Apples- you can provide a whole apple with an apple slicer or slice the apple for your child.
6. Granola
7. Rice and beans w/ salsa
8. Rice with soy sauce
9. Cucumber slices
10. Fruit salad
11. Strawberries and shortcake

The trick is to set up the snack in a pleasing way providing everything they’ll need to grab a plate and napkin, serve themselves, sit down an eat, and then clean up after themselves. You may also want to include cups and a small pitcher of water, milk, or juice.

So, for granola for instance, I would put a few cups of granola in a bowl and provide a spoon or measuring cup to scoop the granola into their own bowl. I might even provide a small pitcher of milk and some spoons so they can eat it like cereal.

If you have a few children and you don’t want one kid to eat all of the snack you’ve provided, make a sign with words (for readers) or pictures (for pre-readers) indicating how much to take. So for apple slices you might draw three apple slices and 3 crackers and ask each child to take just three slices and three crackers. This not only ensures that everyone gets their share, it also promotes responsibility and community mindedness. And if anyone takes more than their allotted snack, you’re sure to hear about it.

The other benefit to choosing a single snack for the day and making it accessible is that you don’t have to make a different snack for each child. I know you’ve been there. You’ve just finished cutting a pear for your 18 month old and your 3 year old comes running in saying- “Mommy, can I have pizza for snack?” If there’s just one snack each day, kids can easily fall into the routine of accepting what’s offered.

I would love to hear about how you do snack time at your house and whether you think providing snacks in this way would free you up to do other things. Post your thoughts here.

I guess I just like watching things grow.  There’s something about planting a seed, watching it grow, bloom and produce fruit that gives me a sense of comfort.  I enjoy watching the progression from cotyledon to true sets of leaves, then pollination, and fruit.  I like tending my plants daily, making sure they’re well watered.  I even like watching the leaves wither and the seeds fall to the ground.  It’s the cycle of life, the ever-turning wheel of almost constant change.

I like to nurture things (and I’m guessing you do too!)  And I’ve found there are quite a few children who, if allowed, can become devoted to growing a bean plant (which will sprout in a wet paper-towel for goodness sake) or daisies, or pumpkins, or all three and more.

By fostering their interest in gardening you can enjoy time together tending the vegetables.  This can meet your needs for peace, nurturing, and beauty while it meets your child’s needs for learning, discovery, and understanding where food comes from.

I’ve seen children hunting and cataloguing insects and birds they find in the garden.  Digging for worms to examine.  And I’ve seen them clamoring over a newly ripe lima bean, deciding among themselves some of the time and coming to me to mediate other times– who gets to eat the delicious bean today?  I’m not kidding you– in our garden, at Berkeley Montessori School, the ripening of the lima beans was Shangri-La.

We grew carrots, lettuce (but sometimes the deer or rabbit ate it), kale, lots and lots of flowers.  Flower arranging was one of the most popular activities in our classroom.

Don’t even get me started about apple season.  We ate apples, cooked with them, watched the squirrels eat them, and used them in art projects.  I wish every child on earth could have an apple tree.

When I was little, we had a cherry tree.  It was my sweet delight, my haven, and a source of some concern, what with cherry trees growing out of people’s ears— or at least that’s what they told me would happen if I swallowed the pit.

I did eat so many cherries I gave myself a stomachache, but then I learned my limits, and just ate a few less. I can never remember anything more than curiosity and gentle suggestions from my mom that perhaps I’d had enough cherries.

Maria Montessori said that all children have an innate desire to learn and grow.  I’ve seen that truth so clearly in my years working with young people.  They’re voracious learners.  The just need some stimulation– something to tend to– you know, a job (or their “great work” as we liked to call it).  Otherwise known as a purpose.  A garden can be just the motivation some kids need to take interest and responsibility.

So, this thing keeps happening in everything I write lately– I start off on one topic- gardening, and I end up on another– a child’s purpose.  But then again, for your child this could be the same thing…  I mean if my purpose is to nurture and support families, couldn’t his just as easily be to grow things?

So, here’s what I’m really saying– grow a garden if you and/or your child would enjoy that.  And whether or not you grow a garden this summer, help your child find a new way to grow into his purpose– whether his purpose is to learn new skills, tend a garden, take care of animals, or whatever!  If it lights him up, encourage him.

In a couple of weeks I’ll write more about how to encourage your child’s desire to cook and prepare food!  You might not be the only one who loves to prepare nutritious and delicious meals for your family.

With love, Shelly

Oh, and I’d love to hear what you think.  Please leave a comment in the box below.  Thanks!

So Responsible!

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but working in preschools has taught me that when kids act out, it’s often because they’re bored and want attention from us. I’ve noticed that when I give these kids MORE responsibility, jobs to do, and tasks to complete (without being too ATTACHED to them actually accomplishing the task) they respond by becoming more driven and successful.

This creates a positive cycle in which:
1) You notice some behaviors you don’t like.
2) Rather than focusing on those behaviors, you offer alternatives in the form of tasks, jobs, or responsibilities (careful here though, these must be tasks that would be nice to have done, but which are true requests- not demands).
3) Kids step up and become more willing and able to help out.
4) You notice and respond positively to these new behaviors.
5) The old behaviors you didn’t like naturally disappear as your child stretches to learn and grow.
6) Kids get the positive attention they’ve been craving all along, and now they’ve learned how to be productive with their extra energy!

When I’ve done this in preschools I’ve seen young people go from “troublemaker” to “teacher’s pet” in a matter of days. I’m not kidding, the very kids that were driving me crazy, messing up other people’s work, and just causing a ruckus became model citizens who in turn helped other kids to stay on task, follow the rules, and clean up after themselves.

Kids can choose a number of paths, some that help them assume responsible, self-sustaining and caring roles in their communities, others that disrupt peace, hurt others and require attention adults usually don’t enjoy giving.

But here’s the thing- the destructive path only gets them so far. Sure, there’s the initial thrill of shocking those around them, and maybe there’s even a payoff of extra attention. Perhaps they even get a little extra respect at first as they begin to experience their own power.

A note on attention—Young people often either can’t or don’t distinguish between positive and negative attention very well. Either one is more attention after all. And for a kid who’s hungry for attention, even negative attention feels good. So, consider for a moment that rather than trying to tick you off, kids are really just trying to meet their own needs for attention!

And then the thrill wears off…

Because ultimately it’s in kids’ best interest to remain aligned with the adults in their lives. They have an innate drive to be connected with the people who feed, clothe, and bathe them.

So, after a while, the more connected, constructive path begins to look a lot more appealing. Because when we can teach kids how to use their intelligence and inspiration to help and support (rather than be destructive to) their families and communities, we’re inviting them into a much more fulfilling role to play. And not just for now, but for their entire lives!

But whatever path your child is choosing in a given moment, the more we can remember to hold them with compassion and keep in mind that they’re always doing their best to meet their needs, the more we can model the peaceful, loving behavior we’re really wanting from them.

And, like it or not, your kids will behave like you do.

So, remember that you’re the leader, helping the young people in your life choose the path that’s most life-giving and enjoyable by seeing the positive intentions behind all their behaviors, even the ones that bug you the most.

And when they’re willing, give them jobs and tasks to help them build a stronger foundation of trust and responsibility.

I’d love to hear about your experiences as you try this out. Please leave a comment here…

Love and hugs, Shelly

Ever wonder why you can’t get your kids to help clean up?

I know, it seems like a nice idea and all, but how the heck do you actually get kids to want to and enjoy helping with clean up?

At first, I didn’t think it was possible either. But it turns out, I was grossly underestimating young people.

In fact, during my first year as a preschool teacher in a Montessori school, my limited ideas of the kids’ cleaning capabilities were completely blown out of the water!

I looked around the classroom and saw three-year-olds sweeping, mopping, dusting, and helping each other clean up messes!

Three year olds. No kidding!

Now here’s the kicker: Not only were these young people happily cleaning up after themselves and each other, they also felt proud of their accomplishments and were internally motivated to continue!

So, how can you get your kids to help you out around the house?

Here are my five keys to promoting cooperation during clean up:

1) Invite them!

I don’t know about you, but I HATE being told what to do. When somebody tells me what to do, I immediately resist.

So, next time you want your kids to help with clean up, try inviting them instead. This means you’re actually going to be ok (and not give them the silent treatment) if they refuse; it’s not a demand, it’s an INVITATION.

2) Help them figure out the steps.

A four or five year old might not know exactly what you mean when you say, “Clean up your toys.”. They know you want their toys put away, but they don’t have a clear strategy of understandable steps toward success.

If you can take a few moments to break it down for them, you’ll get much more cooperation. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and confused, your kids have a step-by-step plan for how to “clean up”.

Offer something like this:
(and supervise kids who are beginners or who get distracted easily)

Step one: Say, “Can you find a basket?” (when they have it, say, “Yes!”)
Step two: Say, “Look around the living room and ask yourself, “Does this belong to me?”
Step three: If you find something that belongs to you, put it in the basket
Step four: Take the basket to your bedroom
Step five: Take one item out of the basket and find a home for it
Step six: Repeat as necessary until the basket is empty
Step seven: Ask for help if you need it
Step eight: Jump around, jump around, jump up, jump up, and get down!

3) Be Consistent

If you don’t care about food on the floor, nobody else will either. And if you want kids to learn to clean up after themselves, you’ve got to be committed to modeling it yourself, helping them, teaching them how, and supporting them in enjoying cleaning up.

It also helps to be clear about specific requirements like what must be done and to what standard. For example, when something spills, we clean it up right away. If you can be consistent by making sure that every member of the family is living up to the requirements, it’ll be much easier for kids to comply with the standards.

On the other hand, if you bend the rules (especially at the beginning of a new regimen), get ready for everyone in your family to start testing to see where the boundaries are.

4) Model enjoyment of cleaning tasks and offer kids challenges

You want your kids to clean up willingly and joyfully, right. So how will they learn how to do that? By your example, of course! If you’re grumbling about the dishes every night, they’ll learn that doing dishes is no fun.

But if you’re singing softly and enjoying the soapy water (it really is like a hot tub for your hands, right?), pretty soon you’ll have little fingers reaching in to help!

Keep an eye on what your child is able to do easily, what he can do with some effort, what takes a lot of effort, and what is so difficult it’s frustrating. Offer your child a challenge when he seems bored, but be fairly confident he can succeed at it.

5) Appreciate their efforts

OK, so I’m not saying that your kids will clean things as well or as thoroughly as you do, but that’s no reason not to let them try. If you can appreciate their efforts and offer encouragement, they’re more likely to get better at it.

If you just can’t stand the remaining mess, you’ve got several options-

If you think your child is capable of doing a better job, you can gently invite him to revisit the job. “Hey I saw that you swept and I really appreciate it. I did notice some dirt left on the floor, would you be willing to take care of that?”

Another option is to clean up after them, but observe your child first- does she look proud of the job she did? If so, don’t let her see you cleaning up after her. If kids see you re-doing a job they’ve just done, they could feel hurt or discouraged which can completely undermine the progress you’re making. Instead, wait until they’re asleep and go back over it when there’s no chance of getting caught.

I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t help your kids, if they need support. By all means, let them know you’ve got their backs, especially if they seem frustrated or are having an especially hard time.

And remember that as skills develop they might be inconsistent. One day she can put her socks shoes on all by herself, and the next she can’t even pull on her own socks. That’s perfectly normal.

Repeated experiences of success produce long term learning, so help your kids succeed as often as possible. If you can tell he’s not up to the task today, offer your help joyfully.

Some kids have a hard time sticking with it when they don’t succeed right away. If that’s your situation, you can remind your child that learning new skills takes time and practice. If she gets discouraged quickly, help her gain confidence by encouraging her to try again.

And remember to praise the effort rather than the result.

Now you know my favorite ways to encourage young kids to help with clean-up! I hope it helps! Hugs, Shelly

P.S. I’d love to hear about how these techniques have worked for you or other ideas you have about how to encourage a sense of pride and responsibility for your home environment. Please leave your comments in the box below!