The first time I heard about elimination communication it sounded completely insane to me. I heard wild stories of families who NEVER used diapers and I pictured an entire house covered in plastic drop cloths with some pretty gross repercussions. Sure, if we were living outside and could just hold our babies away from our bodies like I read about in “The Continuum Concept,” I could imagine not using diapers. But I live in a house, and it really bothers me when my dogs or cats fail to go in their designated locations, so why would I allow my child to just pee and poop all over the place? At that moment I decided that EC was not for me.

But after my daughter was born, I read a really great article in Mothering magazine (Oh how I wish they were still publishing!) about elimination communication. In the article the author described lots of different ways that families could go about practicing EC to various degrees. Some families used diapers some of the time, and other used them most of the time but also watched for signals from their child that it was time to go. Through the article I was introduced to the idea of “catching” my child’s pee and poop and that’s when it happened. I became an EC mom.

A good friend of mine had given me TONS of great baby gear hand me downs, so I dug out the small Baby Bjorn potty you see in the photo. When my daughter was about a month old I took off her cloth diaper and sat her up on the potty. She didn’t seem to like the feeling of the cold plastic on her toosh, so I grabbed a pre-fold, cut a hole in it and put it between her butt and the potty. That one sacrificed cloth diaper made all the difference! After that, my little one was happy to sit on the potty whenever I thought to try. But, she didn’t actually go in the potty yet. That was OK with me though, I just wanted her to get used to sitting on the potty and wasn’t attached to achieving any specific goals yet. Looking back at my baby calendar I see that she had her first poop on the potty at 8wks and her first pee at 10wks old!

After my little one had some better muscle control and was able to sit in her Bumbo (around 4 months old) I put the potty in front of the mirror in her room and sat with her for up to 10min. at a time. She loved her potty time! We would make faces, look at books, and talk about increasing our intrathecal pressure, complete with grunting. and bearing down together. At that point she would occasionally go during potty time. We were making progress!

I still wasn’t able to see any signs from her or predict when she would need to go, but we just tried a little potty time here and there when the mood struck me. And then we introduced solid foods at 6mo. Whoa! Suddenly my daughter’s poops became solid and then I noticed that she seemed to go at around the same time, during the morning between wake up and her first nap. After some experimentation I narrowed it down and caught a poop! I was so happy not to have to scrub that cloth diaper that I became determined to catch more.

At some point during her sixth month, I realized that I always pee when I wake up in the morning, so she might need to as well. I tried putting her on the potty first thing after we woke up in the morning and magic happened. She peed AND pooped that first morning and has almost every morning since. I was elated! I had suddenly gone from soaking, scrubbing, sunning, washing and drying poopy diapers to simply dumping the poop in the toilet and getting on with our day!

Now we put her on the potty after she wakes from sleep and a couple more times throughout the day and she almost always pees. She clearly knows what the potty is for (and has since around that six month mark) and although she will hang out for up to thirty minutes if needed, she more often goes within five to ten minutes and then waits for me to wipe and re-diaper her. Yesterday, for the very first time, she finished her business and then stood up.

I know that a lot of EC parents talk about the importance of noticing the cues and the deep connection they feel with their child about these important bodily functions, but for us, EC is more about practicality and ease.

I also like the notion that I’ll never have to “potty train” my child. Sitting on the potty is just something we do every day already. And just for the record, I don’t think our version of EC is something we could only do because I’m a work from home mom. We’ve taken our potty to Grammy’s house and even on vacation with us! All of my daugher’s grandparents and babysitters have used the potty with her seamlessly.

The next step in our journey will be to teach my little one how to signal when she needs to go. So, I’ve begun signing “toilet” every time I say the word potty. No luck yet, but given our success so far, I’m not too worried. I’m pretty sure that she’ll put two and two together in no time.

So, how many of you have gone on your own EC journey? I would love to hear how it went or is going. Please share your stories with us!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

And, by the time you’re actually getting a good night’s sleep (except for the occasional accident or vomiting in the bed), they’re running around like crazy people and screaming, “Play with me! Play with me!” and wanting to go to the park and the pool and everywhere else they can think of.  Whew!  I feel tired just thinking about it.

I’ve heard some divorced parents admit that they’re actually relieved when they’re kids go to their co-parent’s house.  And now that I’m a parent myself, I can see why!  It really does take a village, doesn’t it?  I think we should all have statues erected in our honor if we survive parenthood long enough to see our adult children become exhausted parents.

As a kid, one of the things I never understood was why my parents didn’t have the energy to play with me all the time or take me wherever I wanted.  The idea that resting would be more fun than constant activity was a completely foreign concept.  I think the only time I was still was when I was mesmerized by the television or forced to sleep.

One of the things I loved about being a nanny for twins was that at least they always had each other to play with.  But the truth is, you can’t always just pawn off the littler kids with the bigger kids.  In fact, sometimes that creates more of a hassle than a help.

So, what do we do when we’re tuckered out and our kids are raring to go?  Well, I like to set them up with a self-directed activity and then sit nearby and read a book or rest while they are engaged in playing and learning at the same time.  Here’s a post I wrote a while back about some things kids can do mostly on their own.

There are tons of things that kids would love to do themselves, but often it feels like more work to let them.  Take cooking for instance.  Everyone I know loves to eat cookies.  And kids love to mix and bake them too.  Sure, they’re likely to make more of a mess than you would, but amazingly, they also often ENJOY cleaning up too!  I wrote a post about how to get kids to help with clean up too.

But, once you have them set up with an activity, the really challenging part begins.  We as parents must choose to take care of ourselves and actually REST, rather than jumping up to do another load of laundry or cleaning up after our kids while they’re still making a mess.  We need to learn to stop and take a break!

So, what can you do to maximize the 5-10min. window you have when the kids are happily engaged?  Here’s a list of some of my favorites:

1)     Close my eyes and take deep breaths (or meditate)

2)    Read a novel

3)    Take a bath

4)   Sit outside and watch the wind blowing through the trees

5)    Yoga

6)    Take a cat nap

7)    Smell the roses (literally)

What are the things that you could do to maximize the few minutes of restful time you can squeeze out of the day?  And how else do you deal with the exhaustion of parenting?  Please let me know, I could really use some help on this one!

Have a great week, Shelly

The problem is that when someone is willing to help me, I actually have to be able to accept that help.  I’m better at it now, but receiving hasn’t always been easy for me.  Sure, I was good at receiving physical gifts, but I wasn’t so great at receiving compliments or acts of service from my friends and family.  I used to energetically push those gifts away by minimizing, deflecting, or reassuring people that I had everything handled.

And then I had an epiphany.  I realized that just as I love to help, so do other people.  I noticed that when I was able to contribute to someone else’s wellbeing, my heart sang and then my heart immediately sank as I remembered all the times that I had been unwilling to receive help and support from others.  Now I know that when I reach out for help and graciously receive it, I am actually giving a gift to the helper.  They get to feel the joy and fulfillment of knowing that they’ve contributed to me!  That one tiny realization has completely changed my relationship to both giving and receiving.

This week take stock of all the times you’ve pushed away the help and support of your friends and family.  Really take some time to feel the heaviness and pain of having refused their generosity and kindness.  After you’ve felt the impact of that, figure out your particular style of pushing away the contributions of others and resolve to become a more skilled receiver.

You may tell your friends that it’s difficult for you to receive compliments but you’d like to get better at it and then practice by taking a deep breath and saying “thank you.”  If your habit is to refuse help when it’s offered, practice saying yes more often.  And if your tendency is to keep it together, try calling a friend for support the next time you cry.

You might feel vulnerable and exposed as you practice receiving, but that’s kind of the point.  I’ve found that the more I share and expose myself, the more intimate my connections become.  And, the more intimate my connections are, the more I can relax knowing that I have friends and loved ones who love me for exactly who I am on the inside (and not just what I project on the outside).

But, that’s probably a whole other blog post.  So for now, practice receiving and report back!  I would love to hear how it goes.  Have a great week, Shelly

My friend would touch the body part, clean it with care and think to herself, “Thank you hands, for everything you help me hold and manipulate.  Arms, I appreciate you for all the things you’ll help me carry today and all the things you helped me carry yesterday.  Ears, you are so incredibly useful and enjoyable.  Thank you for allowing me to hear music.  Feet!  You help me balance so beautifully…”  Sometimes she would give extra special care to a body part that was hurting or ailing her in some way.

When I first heard my friend talk about this practice I thought it sounded like way too much work first thing in the morning, but over the years I find myself doing this very thing more and more.  And the more I acknowledge my various body parts the more I enjoy and appreciate them.

I recently got a Tom Chapin CD from the library and my daughter and I listen to it throughout the day.  One song is called “My face” and the lyrics are all about why he likes the various parts of his face.   He likes his eyes, they’re like his spies, etc.  When we listen to the song, I notice the contrast of all the times during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood that I have failed to appreciate my body.

What frightens me is the thought that my own daughter could (and likely will) experience some of the same disdain for her wonderful body that I did as a young person.  Our culture seems to value only one body type for women and if girls only see supermodels in magazines and compare themselves to the one percent of women who are tall, thin, and busty, they are sure to find fault in their own bodies.  And it’s not just girls who are at risk for low self-esteem due to poor body image.  Boys also see the ultra muscular guys in catalogs and think that they can’t possibly measure up.

Luckily for us, by honoring, appreciating, and celebrating our bodies we can subvert the pop culture idea of beauty and teach our children about real and lasting beauty.  I want my daughter to experience the kind of beauty that pours out of me when I’m feeling great inhabiting my body.  I want her to know that my eyes look more radiant and alive when I’m in a state of gratitude than they do when I put a bunch of make-up on them.

My husband is a chiropractor and enjoys studying anatomy so lately there have been a few anatomy books around the house.  Every time I pick one up I learn something new and experience a sense of awe at the complexity and perfection of the human body.

So this week, notice and appreciate everything you can about your body.  Share the things you notice with your children and ask them to join you in paying extra special attention to our wonderful bodies.  They really are incredible!

Have a fantastic week!  Warmly, Shelly

There’s something about our culture, and I’m guessing it has to do with media, that perpetuates the idea that there must be something wrong. But is there really? Maybe the very idea that there’s something wrong is the problem.  What if we could all see ourselves as the wonderful parents we really are – even in the moment when the pediatrician tells us our child is not developing properly, or in the moment when our friends don’t like the way we discipline, or how about when we read a scary article online about the dangers of modern life.

I once heard a description of motherhood that it was like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Now I finally understand what they meant. My own anxiety about being a good mom has surfaced this week through several disturbing dreams. In one, I had to rescue my infant from a hot car where she was locked inside. In another, I realized I had inadvertently let her slip under the water as we were taking a bath. Luckily, when I pulled her out of the water, I realized she had been holding her breath. What these dreams tell me is that even though I usually feel secure and confident about my parenting, a part of me fears that I could create irreparable damage to my child. And although I know this is a common fear that all parents experience, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

The truth is our children will face circumstances that may be difficult or painful and that we actually can’t control. So even in the moments when we’re being the absolutely best parents we can be, our kids can still get hurt or sick. I think that is the most unsettling part of being a parent. And ultimately we have to accept that we live in an imperfect world and we’re all just doing the best we can.

So how can we develop a stronger core belief that we are good parents even in the midst of the uncertainties of life?

Let’s start by acknowledging the moments when we’re at our best. Right now think of three of your favorite moments with your kids in the past week. Maybe there was a sweet snuggle, or a moment when you read that bedtime story for the third time in a row, or a time when you turned a potential power struggle into a fun game. Grab a notebook and write down these important reminders of the moments when you were the parent you wanted to be. And when fears arise, take a deep breath, remember that you and your child are safe, and put your attention on something you enjoy and appreciate about the now.

After all, it’s never really the things we worry about that end up happening anyway. And when all else fails, call your own mom (or a supportive friend) and let her tell you what a great parent you are.

My 14-month old son, Trent, has recently developed a new scream so incredibly grating that it defies description.  It’s times like these that I am glad I have a mindfulness practice.

When I was in my early 20’s I lived in a Zen monastery for several years.  Back then, mindfulness meant hours & hours of seated meditation and spending most of my time in silence & contemplation.  Mindfulness meant bowing silently to my fellow monks instead of mindlessly asking, “hey, how you doing?” & raking the courtyard with such precision that every rake mark was parallel.

Once I left the monastery & moved to San Francisco, I meditated occasionally, I did some yoga, I tried to be mindful…but LIFE was always getting in the way:  there was a business to build, parties to go to, friends to meet, and email to respond to.  Who had the time to sit down and do nothing for an hour?!?!?

My son started re-teaching me mindfulness before he was even born:  I had to take the time to make healthy meals, I had to remember to drink water, I had to take daily walks, and I had to get 8 hours of sleep every night – if I didn’t take care of myself, he let me know by way of nausea, headaches, full-body aches, and complete & utter exhaustion, this was not OK.  He was teaching me to slow down, to listen, to silently bow to my experience instead of always being off to the next thing.

One of my yoga teachers has a saying, “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.” And she’s not talking about money.  Trent was teaching the value of paying upfront; the beauty of living life in the moment (and not having to worry when my credit would catch up to me).

For parents, the question remains:  who has the time to sit still & do nothing for an hour?!?!?

And, so, my son is my mindfulness practice.

I can’t tell you how many times I have responded to my son’s subtle cues with an absent-minded, “Hold on – I just need to do one more thing”, only to have him completely lose it at the most inopportune time.  Pay me now, or pay me later…

Mindfulness no longer looks like hours of silence, but, rather, bringing the same level of attention to Trent’s endless babbling.  And, when I take the time to listen -REALLY listen- I have never heard anything so beautiful.

Instead of returning (over & over) to my breath, I return (over & over & over) to the game of how-many-blocks-can-Mommy-stack-before-Trent-knocks-them-all-down.  I no longer have the time (nor the inclination) to rake symmetrical patterns in gravel, but I do know how much better I feel when I am present & aware as I pick up the toys & the blocks, and put the books back on the shelf (for the fifth time today); when I am there to notice how soft this stuffed lemur is & how beautiful these stacking blocks that build a redwood tree are & how sweet it is that this book belonged to me when I was the baby.

And, then, how much more available I am to be with my son when he turns with the sweetest of gazes & says, “Mamma.”  There is nowhere else I would rather be.

One specific practice I really love is Baby (or Child) Meditation:  choose a five to ten minute spot during the day when you can turn off your phone & the computer, when you don’t need to eat or prepare food, when no one needs help with their homework, etc.  Then go to where your child is & simply give them your full attention.  And notice:  notice how their body moves, what sounds they make, how your body feels as you witness them, what emotions and/or thoughts come up for you.  Notice them, and let them go.  Breathe.

(Of course, if they engage you, feel free to respond, but don’t initiate contact.  The purpose is not the play with your child, but to offer them your wide witnessing gaze, that offers no judgment & demands nothing in return.)

I would love to know about your experiences of parenting as a mindfulness practice.

Have a good week,

Kendra Cunov
Co-founder of AuthenticWorld
Mom of Trent, 14 months old
http://butwhohasthetime.blogspot.com/

Sleep deprivation makes a huge impact on all sorts of brain functions.   Recent studies have shown marked negative impacts on mood, cognitive performance and motor function in people who are sleep deprived.  One study I read stated that “profound neurocognitive deficits accumulate over time” in people who are deprived of sleep.

If you’re a parent, I know you’ve experienced sleep deprivation on some level.  It’s starting for me during the last month of pregnancy.  And I know my sleep will be disrupted for many months to come as I breastfeed through the night.

Even when your kids are older, they wake up in the middle of the night vomiting or they wet the bed or they have a nightmare they can’t shake.  And although it decreases as your kids get older, you’re likely to have some sleep deprivation when your kids are teenagers too, as you wait up for them or worry about them when they’re out at night.

So the question I propose is, what can we do about it?  How can we mitigate some of the effects of sleep deprivation so that we can feel good, keep our wits about us, drive safely, and cook dinner without cutting or burning ourselves?

I have a few ideas.  First, take naps.  I don’t know about you, but in order to feel good about taking naps I had to work through a lot of beliefs that napping is “lazy” or “unproductive”.  Now that I’ve seen the sleep deprivation research, I know that taking naps is neither lazy nor unproductive.  And if it keeps me in a good mood and helps me have better motor coordination, I’d say it’s a pretty good solution to missing sleep at night.

So now you’re thinking, “That’s great, but who can find the time?!”  Well, I’d say, it’s just like anything else in life, if it’s a high priority, you’ll make the time.  And if you’re grumpy with your kids and you’re noticing that you can’t think straight, I think napping could become a high priority pretty quickly.  You can nap when your kids nap, or take turns with your partner.  Or, you can all nap together as a family.  If you have kids who don’t want to nap, set them up with some quiet activities that they can do nearby and get some rest, or call a friend or sitter to come over and hang out with your kids while you nap.

Here’s another thought to help you get the sleep you need.  Cut out the caffeine! Caffeine feels like the perfect solution when you’re so tired you can’t even imagine running errands or doing paper work, but when we use caffeine we trick our bodies into thinking they have more energy than they actually have.  We also throw our cortisol levels out of whack which can affect blood sugar, and even brain function.  Cortisol is considered the “stress hormone”, so let’s leave that one out of the equation whenever possible.

Lastly, I recommend you discover out the amount of sleep that works best for you and structure your life around getting it.  Often, we don’t know how much sleep we really need because we’re too busy doing what needs to be done to figure it out.  Sure, we all know that most people do well on 8 hours of sleep per night, but do you know how YOUR body best functions?

There was a short time when I worked only in the afternoons and I was able to get as much sleep as my body wanted.  I realized over the course of a few months  that 9 hours of sleep per night is the amount that’s right for me.  When I get 9 hours of sleep, I wake up easily, I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.   And when I get less than 9 hours, I feel tired and grumpy, especially when I get less than 9 hours for several days in a row.

Now I structure my life around getting the sleep I need, and as a result I enjoy my life so much more!  So, consider that the “8 hours of sleep per night” is just a guideline and see what you can do to restructure your life so that you get as much sleep as you need.  I guarantee you’ll be a better parent as a result.

And, if you’re curious about the amount of sleep your child needs, I highly recommend “The No-cry Sleep Solution” books by Elizabeth Pantley.  You might be surprised how many of the things you think of as behavior problems or lack of coordination could actually be caused by sleep deprivation

Please share about your own experiences in the comment box below.  I always love to hear from you!

Have a restful week, Shelly

We all need alone time but I hear from a lot of parents that they feel guilty when they take time away from their kids.  Let me allay your fears.  Yes, you are your child’s biggest influence and the people they most need to connect with, AND it’s absolutely healthy and good for them to develop relationships with other adults.

If you have a nanny, babysitter, aunt, uncle, or grandparent who loves your children, please give them the opportunity to have a closer relationship with your kids by going away for the weekend, having a date night, or going to a yoga class.  It’s good for you and it’s also really good for your kids.

When young people have the opportunity to develop strong bonds with people other than their parents, they become more well rounded, better able to adapt, and they’re exposed to new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things.  This all provides variety and learning that you can’t give to your kids otherwise.

A study recently came out showing that children who had two parents who participated in their upbringing, specifically, kids who had a relationship with their fathers as well as with their mothers had higher IQ’s than kids who only had a mother in their lives.  In fact, researchers could tell who had had a father’s influence during childhood when they looked at the IQ scores of people in their 20’s!

What can we infer from this study?  Well, I for one, think that if two parents are better than one parent, then even more caring adult influences are likely to benefit your child too.

Maybe I’m biased, because after my parents divorced and remarried, I ended up with four loving parents who cared for me, connected with me, and shared their world-views with me.  I even spent a couple of school years going over to my grandparents’ house after school, so I had the opportunity to develop a strong bond with my grandma and grandpa.

As a kid, I loved getting new perspectives and ideas from the adults in my life and I often tried to emulate the best qualities I could find in each of them.  As a result, I think I turned out to be a pretty great, well adjusted, and compassionate person.  I also got the idea that I was a pretty lovable and likable person, because I had a bunch of wonderfully supportive adults who enjoyed my company.

OK, now that I’ve convinced you that it benefits your child to spend time away from you, what about the benefits to you?!  When you get time away you’re able to look at things from a new perspective.  You might get some new insights into a recurring dynamic at home, or you might just relax and enjoy yourself, allowing yourself to let go and stop being responsible for another human being for a moment.  Ahhhh, that feels pretty good.

The other thing that happens when you take time and space from your kids, whether it’s a weekend away or a few hours every afternoon, is you actually miss them!  And that’s a VERY good thing for you and for your kids.  When you get the space you need and you find yourself longing for reconnection with your kids, I guarantee the quality of your interactions when you reconnect will be much better.

On the other hand, if you’d rather force yourself to spend all of your free time with your kids, feel guilty for even wanting some space, and then build castles of anger and resentment, I guess that’s a valid choice.  It just seems like a lot less fun for everyone.

So, this week’s challenge is to foster your child’s relationship with another adult by taking time for yourself.  Try really pampering yourself and see how much you can enjoy it.  Really let go of any residual guilt you may have felt in the past and relish your alone time this week.

Have a wonderful week.  Warm hugs, Shelly

See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.

On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family.  With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.

But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be.  Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:

Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself?  Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time?  If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself.  When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids.

Step 2- Goal setting and values identification. Think about the values and qualities that are most important to you.  Is kindness and cooperation at the top of your list?  Or do you prefer independence and self-direction?  Do you want your children to love and care for each other or just to stop hitting one another?  By setting some goals and identifying your highest values you can begin to create a plan of action.

Step 3- Model the behavior you want. This is the most challenging step by far, but if you are committed to creating the kind of culture in your home that you most want, it all starts with you.  When you get frustrated, angry, whiney, and irritable, you’re teaching your kids the very behaviors that you don’t enjoy.  So, this week, practice whining and venting with a friend during naptime, instead of in front of your kids.  And when you’re with your kids, practice generosity, kindness, or whatever qualities embody your highest values.

Step 4- Give positive feedback when you notice your kids embodying your highest values. This week, encourage your kids to give help and support to one another and to their friends then share with them about how happy, excited, and joyful you feel when you see them sharing and cooperating.  Let older children know how grateful you feel when you seem them treating younger siblings with kindness and care.  By noticing the things you WANT, you’re encouraging even more of those things to happen every day.

I’ve seen families turn sibling conflict into cooperation and kindness in a matter of weeks using these steps.  I hope they’re helpful for you and I would love to hear about your experiences in actively creating the culture of your home.  Please share a question or comment below.

Have a fantastic week!  Warmly, Shelly

When I think about the word “discipline” I think it sets up a disconnecting power dynamic where I’m in charge all of the time and the kids in my life must do what I say, or “behave”, and submit to my dominance.

On the other hand, without any “discipline” I imagine complete chaos and no sense of leadership.  So, instead of discipline, I like to talk about setting boundaries.

We all need boundaries whether with ourselves, our parents, children, employers or employees.  It’s healthy to have and keep clear boundaries, but somehow, many of us have never learned to recognize, implement, and maintain healthy boundaries.

I just read the novel “The Undomestic Goddess” by Sophie Kinsella.  It was a fun read but what struck me the most about it was how few boundaries the main character had at the beginning of the book.  Samantha was a high-powered lawyer at a leading law firm.  She was going for partner and as a result, she was available to her law firm 24/7.  No kidding.  The woman couldn’t even put her blackberry down for an hour to get a massage!  She was the epitome of someone without any healthy boundaries and without a life of her own.  Instead, she was completely owned by her law firm!

Do you ever feel owned by your kids and family?  Have you forgotten to set boundaries and maintain a healthy sense of self?  Well this week it’s time to turn it around.  Take a moment right now to make a list of the times in the past week or so when your boundaries were crossed.  These could be moments when you felt helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, or trapped.  List at least 3-5 moments right now…

OK, now take a look at your list.  What were the boundaries that got crossed?  What needs of yours weren’t being met during the incident?  What is a possible solution that would clearly express your boundary?  Often, when we’re not in the habit of expressing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we may not even know what the boundaries are until they’ve been trampled on.  Here’s an example of two incidents including boundaries, unmet needs, and possible solutions from my own experience with kids:

Incident:  When Derek (7yo) said to me, “You’re so mean, I hate it when you come to our house!”

Boundary: Hurtful communication is not acceptable

Unmet needs: respect and kindness

Solution: Tell Derek, “You may not speak to me that way, I hear that you’re frustrated, but next time you can say, ‘I’m frustrated’ instead of ‘You’re mean and I hate it when you come over’.  Now I need some space because I’m feeling sad and hurt by what you said.  Please go in the other room for five minutes so I can take care of myself.”

Incident:  Seth (18mo.) throws food from his highchair

Boundary:  Cleaning up other people’s messes is not OK with me

Unmet needs:  order, cleanliness, freedom

Solution:  Tell Seth, “It’s not OK to throw food, when you throw your food it tells me that you’re finished eating.”  Take away the rest of Seth’s food.  “Now it’s time to clean up the mess you made.  Here’s a bowl, please collect the food from the floor and put it into this bowl so we can throw it away.”  Stay nearby and watch to be sure Seth gets all of the food.

In each of these examples I was able to set a clear boundary and stick to it.  And in each case, the young person involved conformed to my boundary.  That’s not to say that they didn’t resist, but when I was clear and consistent with the boundaries, they eventually got into alignment with me.

One of the most important aspects of setting clear boundaries with kids is that we maintain composure during the interaction.  If we’re too angry, upset, hurt, or punitive, then our boundaries just feel like punishments.  But when you can maintain your calm and be clear and consistent without freaking out, kids will often become much more cooperative and able to respect your boundaries.

Have some more questions about setting healthy boundaries with your kids?  Please leave a comment!

Have a great week, Shelly