I’m in the midst of a big transition right now. We are so fortunate to have my husband’s parents living here full time and being active participants in caring for our daughter. And if you’re thinking we’re the luckiest people ever, then get ready for more, because we ALSO have my mom and step dad here for six months of the year! It is SO incredibly helpful to have so many people adoring and caring for Julia, but there’s a dark side to this beautiful gift too. My parents leave and are gone for six months of the year.

My mom and Jim just left to head back to Illinois a couple of weeks ago and the transition has been really challenging for me. I miss them. Julia misses them. And I’ve had to completely rearrange my working schedule to accommodate the change. It totally sucks.

But is also great. I’m getting more time with my daughter, which is awesome. And I’m forced to really prioritize my work and only engage in the activities that really matter to me. But it’s also still really hard.

Transitions are especially difficult for me, maybe because I’ve had so many of them in my life. After my parents divorced when I was 5, they shared custody and, without going into too many details, for much of my life I split my time between my mom’s house and my dad’s. It was great to be able to have real relationships with everyone involved, but it was hard on me too.

Every two weeks I packed up my bags and moved to a different house with different people, different rules, different expectations, and even different foods. And, everybody was always so excited to see me that I don’t think I really took the time to mourn the loss of the other family before I was thrust into the next one. Luckily for my parents, I didn’t act out. Instead, I stuffed my emotions and tried to pretend that everything was OK. But sometimes it wasn’t.

So that’s what I mean when I say “big transitions.” Learning to let go of my family for two weeks or six months, mourning the loss of a home, job, or loved one, moving away from friends. But there are also all sorts of little transitions and these can be challenging too.

So if you’re wondering why your young child throws a tantrum at the front door and refuses to put on his coat and shoes, consider the possibility that transitions are just hard. Saying goodbye to his toys, home, book, or plan for the day can be really challenging for a kid.

Here’s what I’d recommend if you’re having difficulty with transitions at your house. Be tender about them. Remember that they can be hard. And most of all, TALK ABOUT TRANSITIONS BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THEY HAPPEN. I wish I had been better about this with my parents leaving town. I’m doing OK talking about it now, but I wish we had thought more and talked more about how our lives were about to change, before it happened. I’m a planner, and when transitions catch me off guard, I find them MUCH more challenging to deal with.

Perhaps your little one feels the same way. It might feel silly to talk to your infant or young child about a big or small transition, but in my experience, a short, matter-of-fact discussion about what’s about to happen can mean the difference between a screaming, kicking freaked out kid and a calm, relaxed, collected child.

When it comes to some of life’s big transitions like the loss of a pet or the death of a loved one, we don’t always get the opportunity to talk about things ahead of time. In that case, be sure to discuss things as they arise so that you and your child can integrate what’s happening as much as possible.

When you’re about to head out the door to go to the store, and you actually CAN give a child a heads up, so please do. They will appreciate it. And you might find that this one simple act of kindness and respect toward your children reaps you more benefits than you could have imagined. I would love to hear all about it. Please share your story with us!

And may your transitions be easy and tender this week, Shelly

What are your children excited about doing all by themselves right now?  Tell me now!

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

So what’s the best way to handle a toddler’s tantrums?  One of my favorite tools for helping to calm infants is “The Happiest Baby on the Block” DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp.  There’s a book by the same title as well.  And apparently Dr. Karp had lots of parents asking him about how to handle toddler tantrums too, so he wrote a companion book and created another DVD called “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”  It’s great stuff.

But just in case you don’t have time to read the book and watch the DVD yourself, I’ll give you an overview of his tips and techniques to reduce the frequency, length, and intensity of tantrums.

The first concept he introduces is the idea that toddlers are like little cave-people.  I really like this idea because it helps us understand who we’re really dealing with.  Toddlers are opinionated and very clear about their desires, but their command of language is still quite limited, especially when they’re upset.  They do a lot of gesturing, grunting, and making noises to get their point across, just like a Neanderthal might have.   In general they’re uncivilized, and that’s part of their appeal.  They are not little adults, they’re beings all their own.

That’s why reasoning with toddlers rarely works well.  They don’t understand your long, complex sentences and three syllable words, at least not while they’re freaking out.  So, seeing your little one as a mini cave-man, can help you figure out why the next tip is so important.

Learning to speak “toddler-ese” is the best way to help your little one know that you understand what she’s going through.  And as I’ve said many times before, empathy is often the best way to handle most tantrums.  When children feel heard and understood, they relax and become more cooperative.  So how can we help toddlers feel heard and understood?  We have to learn to speak their language.

Dr. Karp says that the most important elements to “toddler-ese” are matching intensity, keeping our phrases short, and using lots of repetition.  Listen to your toddler when she’s trying to express a desire and you’re likely to see her pointing, grunting, “Uh, uh, uh!” and repeating what she wants “Up!  Up!  Up, Mama!”

So, let’s say you’re not able to pick your sweet toddler up because your arms are full of groceries.  But you’re feeling worried, because you can see a tantrum about to come on.  Rather than ignoring or reasoning, try saying something like, “Riley!  You want up, up up!  You want mama to pick you up, up up!”  Be sure to match your child’s level of intensity.  Then, watch your child as you empathize with her in her language.   You’re likely to see her relax and become fascinated with you.  At that point, you can explain the predicament, “Honey, I want to pick you up, but my arms are full of groceries, can you wait one minute please?”

There are lots of other great tips and tricks in Karp’s books and DVDs but these are the ones that jumped out the most and that I thought would be most helpful to share.  I hope you’ll have a wonderful week and as always, I would love to hear about your own experiences with these ideas.

Warm hugs, Shelly

As an infant and young toddler your child saw himself as an extension of you.  He had very little sense of distinction between himself and his parents.  In fact, if you think about it you can understand why this would be so.  Just as we lift our own hand to our mouth if we want to put some food in it- your hand has automatically put food in your baby’s mouth every time he’s been hungry since his birth!  When he needs something, you provide it, so in a way, and in his mind, you’re an extension of him.

Now that he’s older he’s developing more complex language.  He’s learning to distinguish between “yours” and “mine”.  Well if there’s a “yours” and a “mine” there must be a “you” and a “me”.  Now your child begins to see himself as a separate entity with desires, hopes, dreams, and thoughts all his own!  Wow, what an exciting discovery.

A Stronger Will: Unmet needs for choice

Along with the discovery of self, your child is feeling stronger desires than ever before and she’s discovering her personal power.  She’s realizing for the first time that she can affect the outcome of a given situation.  Sure, when she was a baby, she realized that she could move a ball from here to there- but now she’s discovered that she can affect your behavior and have some control over the social dynamics in your home.  This is a huge step in social development.  She’s gone from a helpless being, who is happy to do whatever you want- to a willful child with a mind of her own.  And this is ultimately a good thing- although the transition can be extremely difficult for us.  Sometimes we just want that sweet little baby back (and that’s completely normal)!

If you consider your job as a parent to be raising a capable, independent, and contributing adult, then you can see this phase as a milestone toward that goal.  Now that your child has an ego, strong desires, and a stronger will she can really get things accomplished that she never could before.  Now is a wonderful time to help her develop a sense of responsibility by giving her more freedom coupled with, you guessed it, responsibility.

Easier said than done, right?  But you can do it, with some support, clear goals, and very rigid consistency (just for now) you’ll have a little helper around the house before you know it.  This will end up meeting your own needs for contribution and order while meeting her needs for autonomy and responsibility.  (end of excerpt)

As you can imagine, it’s incredibly frustrating for your child to be developing such a strong will at the same time as he is unable to verbalize what’s happening for him.  So, as a parent of a child in this age group, your biggest challenge is to meet your child with compassion, understanding, and lots and lots of patience.

Because although your child is understanding a whole new level of complexity of social dynamics, any time we learn any new skill, we can understand lots more than we can effectively express.  Hence the tantrums you are bound to experience with this age group.  You can see some ideas about how to handle tantrums lovingly at my blog on that topic: http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/how-to-handle-tantrums/

Please share a story or comment about your own experiences you’re your child’s development of will and what happened in your family as a result.

Have a fantastic week!

But for one special weekend (May 25-27) you can give yourself a break… while getting your parenting questions answered, brainstorming solutions and learning tips and techniques that work for today’s kids – toddlers to teens.

You can access all of the live workshops at this online parenting retreat at no charge! Click here to view more details

You will be able to participate online in over twenty interactive workshops given by professional parenting coaches, educators, and counselors. And if you have to miss any sessions, we’ve thought of that too…

…When you purchase a ticket, you’ll get audio recordings of *every single session*!

(There’s even a Spa Products giveaway for 35 lucky registrants – just so it will really feel like a weekend conference “getaway”.)

Tickets are just $77 from now until May 22^nd for the early-bird special. Then the price goes back to $97.  AFTER the retreat, the entire package will be available for purchase for $197, which is still a TREMENDOUS BARGAIN for 35 quality workshops and bonuses!!!

And remember, you can attend the live workshops for FREE.  You only pay if you want recordings of the sessions.

What sort of parenting issues will you be able to address?  Top parenting experts – each of whom has invested years of dedicated study in the field – will be there to share their wisdom about:

*Raising a confident and happy child able to be resilient to life’s challenges.

*Coping positively but effectively with disrespectful behavior and sassy attitudes.

*How to set your child up to make wise decisions and avoid dangerous behaviors.

*How to balance work and family – while still keeping your sanity!

*How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums–at any age—with me, Shelly Phillips!

I sure hope you’ll join me on May 25^th at 7pm Pacific time for my “How to deal with meltdowns and tantrums at any age” seminar.

Warm hugs, Shelly

For instance, if you’re about to escalate a conflict, yell at them, curse, or otherwise treat them in ways you don’t want to, try ignoring instead.  By ignoring their behavior, you’re sending the message, I don’t like what you’re doing and you won’t get my attention by behaving in that way.

Often whether they know it or not, what kids are most wanting when they act in the most extreme ways, is your attention.  So, by removing your attention in the moments when you know you can’t respond responsibly, or in the times when you feel that giving them negative attention will just fuel the fire, you can actually create more calm and promote better behavior from your kids.

Obviously this is not a strategy to use very often, and if your tendency is to withhold your attention, watch out.  What I’m talking about here is making a conscious choice to ignore, as the best choice among others in your repertoire; not getting in the habit of automatically taking away your attention to coerce kids to behave in ways we want them to.   My point is that we all have times when if we had just been able to turn away rather than engage in an old unhealthy pattern, things would have turned out better.

For instance, I will often point it out if a child I’m with is whining because I don’t enjoy it and want kids to learn ways to communicate that will be effective and pleasant for everyone.  But there are times when kids are just so tired they can’t stop, and my pointing it out only makes things more difficult.  In those moments, I choose to ignore the whining and focus on what’s going on underneath.

In the same way, I often ignore nose picking and potty talk, because pointing them out in the moment isn’t the most connecting choice.  If I feel it’s an issue that must be discussed, I might bring it up another time.  But telling a kid to take his finger out of his nose can be embarrassing for him and disconnecting for us, especially if others are in earshot.  I’d rather ignore it in the moment and talk about it later.

Another situation in which ignoring can be the best choice is when your child is doing something she knows she shouldn’t, but she wants to see if you’ll react.  You can tell this is happening when she looks up at you just before she does what you clearly don’t want her to do.  I’ve found that by taking a deep breath and walking away rather than engaging in a power struggle, I can reduce the incidence of the behavior (because part of the allure was getting my attention anyway), maintain my own composure and power, and send the message that it’s not OK with me, all without raising my voice.

I’m curious, do you have experiences with the art of conscious ignoring?  How did it go?  Was there a time when you wish you had ignored rather than engaged?  Please share!

I KNOW you’ve experienced this. One minute, things are fine and the next, your child is screaming, throwing herself on the floor and crying so hard she can hardly even catch her breath to tell you what happened. Then, when you finally discover what set her off, you’re left wondering how that could possibly matter enough to create such a huge reaction.

As a parent or caregiver experiencing a child’s tantrum, we can feel confused, powerless, and overwhelmed. I’ve often thought, “Oh no! What went wrong? And how can I get her to stop?”

But after experiencing more and more tantrums, I began to discover that getting kids to stop isn’t always the most connecting thing we can do. Not only that, but when kids freak out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In my own life, I’ve really valued being able to release my feelings through crying or raging, so why would I want to take that experience of release and relief away from the young people in my life?

I’ve found that by relating to tantrums in a new way, I have a completely different experience. Now, when I see a child “lose it” I feel compassion and understanding and sometimes even joy in the knowledge that they won’t be carrying around the weight of that emotional baggage for the rest of their lives, instead, they’ve released their feelings fully in the moment.

And, after being with a child during a good cry, I’ve had some of the sweetest, most connected moments. I’m always amazed too that kids can let go of their upset so quickly. I’ve had countless experiences where a child was screaming one minute and happily playing alone the next.

So, my advice is to remember that emotions are always moving and changing, no matter what you do, so why not celebrate and enjoy them?!

The other thing I’ve reailized through my many many hours with young people is that tantrums are often preventable. Try following the guidelines below and create a more peaceful and connected life for you and your kids.

Prevent- I’ve found that many tantrums come from a child’s frustration with unmet needs for autonomy, play, and attention. By addressing these needs throughout the day, you can prevent many tantrums from happening. “How?”, you ask? Here are a few ideas for how to address these common unmet needs that most children have.

• Autonomy- Let them do it by themselves, allow them to choose, and let them be in charge sometimes. You could even assign a task to your kids, put someone in charge and let them figure out how to accomplish the task. Be available to help if they really need it, but resist the urge to jump in to add your suggestions.

• Play- Get down and dirty, be silly, wear a funny hat and talk in an accent. Children learn by playing, so if they don’t get enough play, they crave it. You might be surprised at how little time it actually takes to turn something into a game.

• Attention- The next time she has something to tell you, stop what you’re doing and really be present with her. Give her your undivided attention. Ask questions to draw her ideas out more fully and let her know that her thoughts, opinions, and new skills matter to you.

Educate- Teaching kids how to identify and express their emotions BEFORE they’ve lost control is another great way to prevent tantrums. But you can also use a tantrum that happened earlier, to teach your kids what precipitated it. “Wow, sweetie, remember earlier when you were crying and hitting? It seems like you were feeling really frustrated because you really wanted to continue playing your game. Is that right? I wonder if the next time you’re feeling frustrated you could say, ‘I’m frustrated, I really want to play with my train Mom!’ That way, we can figure out a solution that works for both of us.”

Listen- If you’re unable to head it off at the pass or talk your way through it, the most connecting thing you can do is to take a few minutes, sit down and listen to your child cry. By supporting kids in expressing themselves, and staying with them through the storm, we let them know that we’ll love them no matter what and it’s ok to have big feelings.

For more great tips about how to deal with tantrums and other big feelings check out our audio program Perspectives on Feelings. It comes with a workbook, transcript, and an 11 week e-course to help you integrate what you’ve learned.

Oh! And I have an interview coming up! You can sign up, ask your most pressing questions about tantrums, and listen in on the call. I hope to connect with you there.

I’d love to know how it’s going at home. Please leave your comments below!

Thanks, Shelly

Studies show that rocking, spinning and other physical movement through space helps children’s brain development and their ability to pay attention, by stimulating the vestibular (inner ear) system.

And here’s the thing, this works with both infants and older kids. It can also be a really fun way for you to cut lose and play with your kids.

So, the next time your little guy is about to lose it, check with him about whether it sounds fun, and then spin around with him in your arms, or take him to a nearby swing-set.

Even hanging upside down can produce vestibular stimulation. Just make sure he’s enjoying it, and not getting dizzy or upset. It never hurts to ask, “Is this okay?”

Believe it or not, when we get lots of motion through space (like on a swing, dancing, or spinning) it actually helps our senses work better. With some well-timed rocking or spinning, stimulation, your little dude could be settling down with his dinosaurs for some sustained play time.

In other words, you may get to shower today! Hooray!

So here’s the deal with vestibular stimulation: you want to offer your baby or child lots of it. As long as she looks content, just keep rocking and/or spinning.

After a while, you’ll either have a sleepy child, or an awake, alert child.

When babies and children are in the “awake-alert” state, they’re most open to learning new information. So, in a way, vestibular stimulation helps the brain decide whether it’s ready for more learning, or needs sleep to help process what’s already been learned.

When you have an awake-alert baby or young child it’s a perfect time to get out a few favorite toys, or a new puzzle, sit back, and enjoy your little ones as they learn and grow.

When I worked in Montessori schools, we’d often use this tool to help our most active kids settle in to their work. If we noticed someone wandering around, bothering other kids, and unable to decide what activity to choose- we’d just send him or her out to the swings for five minutes.

After a few minutes of swinging, the child would almost magically come back into the classroom, decide on an activity, sit down and really concentrate for a half an hour or more! I sometimes couldn’t believe it was the same kid.

So, enjoy this new tool and use it whenever your kid seems unfocused, erratic, or is just looking for trouble.

I’d love to hear your comments about this topic and your stories about trying it out. Please leave your thoughts or stories in the box below.

Warmly,
Shelly Birger

Give your kids an alternative

Get more connected by Guessing Feelings

By guessing your child’s feelings, you can help her learn a new way to express herself… verbally!

Even if your guesses are wrong, your child will respond to your efforts to tune into her. When young kids have tantrums, they’re frustrated, low on creativity, and can’t figure out another way to express how strongly they feel.

Remember that tantrums won’t necessarily disappear, just because your little angel is able to say, “Mommy, I’m mad!”

He will have more options, however, and if you can catch him early enough, you might be able to head off some tantrums before they start.

Here are six steps to help you use Guessing Feelings to help create more emotional connectedness for your whole family:

1) Download a Feelings List Here- Feelings List

2) Print it out and use it to expand your own emotional vocabulary. Begin to identify and express your own feelings throughout the day. “Oh! I’m feeling so happy and content right now!”

3) Practice guessing. “Sweetie, are you feeling frustrated?”, or “Wow, it looks like you’re feeling really excited! Are you feeling excited right now?” Be prepared to guess again or be corrected without taking it personally if you don’t get it right the first time.

Remember, it’s not if your guesses are right that counts, it’s the fact that you’re trying to tune in and build emotional vocabulary.

4) Use a wide variety of feeling words with your child every day both by sharing your own feelings and by guessing hers.

5) Next time you’re reading a bed-time story, look for the emotional content and ask your child to guess. “How to you think Thomas is feeling right now?” If you get no response, make your own guesses, “I wonder if he’s feeling lonely because he misses his friends.”

6) Play games with your family in which you each make faces and try to guess feelings, or list feelings and play at exaggerating them.

By expanding the emotional vocabulary you use with your child on a daily basis, you’re setting him up to be able to express his feelings effectively, without completely losing it.

With many repetitions, your child will begin to say things like, “Mommy, I’m feeling frustrated because I need attention!” or “Daddy, I feel sad, can I have a hug?”

If you’d like to learn more about how to increase emotional awareness and connectedness in your family, keep an eye out for our new CD “Perspectives on Feelings”.

Thanks for being here!

Big hugs and love, Shelly

P.S. What did you think of this blog about reflecting feelings? Was it helpful? Clear? Is there anything we could have done better? Please let us know your thoughts and questions in the comment box below. Thanks!