I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. I bought into all that stuff about not letting the kids see you fight, just like everyone else. But the problem with taking your argument into the other room is that children are left knowing their parents are upset, but they have no idea how the situation was resolved. On the other hand, if they can witness the conflict AND it’s resolution, children are learning how to resolve conflicts, which is a pretty important skill for everyone.

Now I don’t mean to suggest that it’s good for kids to watch a conflict go unresolved. Children derive their sense of emotional security from the relationship between their parents (or the relationships between their primary caregivers). In fact, in “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson, I read of a study by Dr. E. Mark Cummings from Notre Dame, in which he showed that the quality of the parents’ relationship had even MORE of an impact on the child than the direct relationship between parent and child! So when there’s tension in the air, you can be assured, they feel it. And it bothers them. And it isn’t good for them.

But the truth of the matter is that married couples typically have anywhere between 2 and 8 conflicts every single day. Granted, some of them are large and some are small, but clearly, kids are being exposed to these conflicts even with our best efforts to shield them from our arguments.

Instead of wasting precious energy keeping our kids away from our conflicts, let’s learn to consistently resolve them peacefully, so that our children can learn much needed conflict resolution skills and we can relax and live our lives WITH our kids, rather than attempting to hide our arguments from them. Studies are showing that arguments can actually get quite heated, and as long as they are resolved, children are happy, calm, and well adjusted.

So, how are your conflict resolution skills? A little rusty perhaps? If so, I highly recommend “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. The NVC skill set has completely changed my experience of conflict.

I used to be terrified of upsetting anyone and walked on eggshells around my more firey and expressive friends and family members, but now I see a conflict as an opportunity to get closer to my loved ones. By checking in about what has upset someone, I get to know them even better than I did before!

As with any technique or model, even NVC can be used violently, so if you do learn and practice it, be sure to check in with yourself about what your intentions are in every interaction. But if you genuinely want to reconnect after an argument, NVC is one of my favorite tools.

The one other thing that has made the biggest difference for me in my ability to reconnect and resolve conflict is willingness to be vulnerable and share what’s on my heart. I think any two people can reconnect if they’re willing to feel their hearts and share what’s happening for them in a responsible way (read no blaming or shaming).

So, have you had any big (or small) arguments lately and then resolved them in front of your kids? If so, I would love to hear all about it! Please leave me a comment.

And have a Happy Thanksgiving! Warm hugs, Shelly

None of these acknowledge the child’s feelings or provide an open, loving environment in which a child can fully feel and express his emotions. I know, it’s an unconscious reaction we have all had at one time or another, but this week it’s time to shine the light of awareness on the way we speak to an upset child.

So, if we could choose exactly how to respond, how would we? We might say something like, “I see you’re upset, do you need a hug?” or “Wow, that was really scary, wasn’t it?” or one of my personal favorites, “It’s OK to cry.”  We might even choose just to sit with them and witness their emotional expression.

I especially wish more boys were told that it’s OK to cry, because after all, it really is OK! In fact, people who are in touch with and at peace with their emotions will fare better in life than those who deny or stuff their emotions.

Studies have shown that holding in emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment, can have long term negative effects on heart health. So, by encouraging kids to acknowledge and express their emotions, we’re helping to ensure a long and healthy life for them both physically and emotionally.

On the other hand, it can be uncomfortable for us to listen to a child who’s crying, wailing, or raging. But I think that’s because we all have our own withheld emotions that we’re fighting to keep hidden. If we felt free to express our emotions as they came up in the moment, we might not feel quite so uncomfortable when our children cry or scream. I’ve certainly found this to be the case in my own life.

For a long time I was uncomfortable with sadness. I didn’t acknowledge my own, and I definitely didn’t want to be around others who were upset. I did everything I could to soothe, redirect, or even ignore any sadness that I came into contact with. And then something shifted for me.

I was hanging out with some close friends of mine, and one of our friends just started to cry. I was a little bit uncomfortable, but I was more fascinated with how unashamed she seemed about her sadness. Pretty soon the crying turned into wailing and I realized that except in movies, I had never actually seen anyone wail! I was moved to tears myself and I came away from the experience realizing that expressing sadness could be deeply moving and beautiful.

I’ll never forget how my friend looked afterward. She was so open, beautiful, free, and light. I had never seen her look so gorgeous and so at peace. So I decided that sadness wasn’t actually something to be avoided at all costs. I realized that in fact, crying could be a relief and a release. And I began to allow my own tears to flow more freely.

I like to imagine my emotions like a big pipeline. When I was holding them in, my pipe was clogged and just a trickle of emotions was getting through. But after practicing to express and celebrate my emotions as they arise, I’ve opened up my pipeline and now all my emotions can travel through it with ease. Now I feel everything with more intensity and I love it!

I am able to cry in an instant, if I’m moved to, but I can also laugh more authentically and have even experienced tears of joy (which I used to think was a bunch of hooey).

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children never had to go through the process of suppressing their emotions and then rediscovering them? What if they could feel and express their feelings without interruption for their entire lives?  I sure hope for that for my daughter.

So this week, pay special attention to how you automatically respond when a child is upset. Then make a conscious choice about how you WANT to respond and practice it. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so please leave me a comment below.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

P.S. If this topic is dear to your heart, check out my audio program Perspectives on Feelings for a more in depth discussion of holding space for big emotions.

There are all sorts of dangers both seen and unseen in our world today and it can be overwhelming when we focus on what could go wrong.  A simple pool of water can become scary.  But sometimes we take the job of protecting our children too far.  By being honest with our kids, they may experience some pain, but they’re sure to fare better in life than they would otherwise.

When I talk with parents about being more honest with their children I hear all sorts of objections.  “Are you sure it’s appropriate to tell my child that?!” and “I don’t want to burden him with my feelings.”  But I think it’s a very slippery slope to withhold information from our children in order to “protect” them.  It actually seems to do just the opposite.  It hurts our kids when we don’t tell them the truth and they end up learning that they can’t count on us.

As a child, one of the things I admired most about my mom was how brutally, really, honest with me she was.  Granted, she didn’t offer a bunch of unsolicited information, but when I asked her a frank question, I knew I could count on her to answer honestly.

When I was five or six I asked my mom what the worst word in the world was.  And, after asking me to promise never to use it, she leaned down and whispered the “f word” into my ear.  I was shocked and in awe of my moms commitment to honesty.  And until I was a teenager, I never used it.  I was just curious, and I wanted to be prepared in case someone else used “bad words” in my presence.  Obviously it was a pivotal moment for me, considering I still remember it so vividly.

My mom was also very honest about sex, even when I was very young.  By the time I was 4 years old, I knew exactly where babies came from and I knew the scientific names of both male and female body parts.  As a teenager, talking to my mom about sex was easy because we’d already been talking about it for 10 years!  We had built a foundation of truth and trust that I knew I could rely on.

I’m so grateful for that foundation now, because as I got to know other girls and young women in my teens and twenties, I realized that my mom’s honesty was really quite rare.  Most of my friends’ moms had never talked with them about contraception or their monthly moon time, and as a result many of my friends were confused about the facts, unprepared to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy, and several of them ended up with unwanted pregnancies.

I want my daughter to be informed and well prepared for life on her own.  So I think I’ll take my mom’s approach and be truthful with my child about her body, sex, and even my own feelings.  I want her to have that same foundation of trust and a deeply ingrained knowledge that no matter what, she can count on me to be honest with her.

I can only hope that by talking with her about challenging topics now, when she’s young, it will make it that much easier for us to talk about the tough stuff when she’s a teenager and young adult.

I’m curious, what’s your experience with being brutally honest with your children.  Have you seen benefits from being committed to the truth?  Have you experienced the pain of disconnection when you weren’t honest?  Please leave me a comment and share your story below.

Have a fantastic and vulnerably revealing week, Shelly

As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve become more artful in my ability to surrender and accept what is happening to my body and what will soon be happening to my life and to my priorities.

I’m taking a fabulous birthing class called Hypnobabies in which I’m practicing self-hypnosis to help me be more relaxed and comfortable during birth.  As a part of my homework I listen to pregnancy affirmations every day that say things like, “I completely accept my pregnant body.” And “The changes in my body are beautiful.”  Boy am I grateful for that CD!  Without it, I can imagine myself feeling upset every time I grow a size, or whenever someone says, “Whoa!  You’re ONLY 5 months?  You’re HUGE!”  But with my daily affirmations, I’m much better able to surrender, accept, and enjoy the process of giving over my body to pregnancy and to nourish my healthy baby.

And to any bio moms out there, I KNOW you’ve experienced the surrender that comes with motherhood, simply because you’ve been through the process of birth.  No matter what your birth experience was, I’m certain there was a moment when you realized that there is no turning back, no choice, only surrender into what must happen next.  And from what I’m learning about birth, I’m betting that the better you were at relaxing and letting go, the smoother and easier your birth was.

What a great way to prepare for parenting during infancy, toddler-hood, childhood, and the teenaged years!   Sometimes I’m amazed by how perfectly nature prepares us for what’s to come.

Some of my first memories of the beauty of surrender came during my own childhood as I watched my mom and step-dad have an argument.  They would go back and forth on a specific issue for a while and then when one of them was clearly proven “right” the other person would say, “Honey, you were right and I was wrong.”   My jaw would drop open in disbelief because they had been so adamant just moments before about their own position.  But when one would make that declaration to the other, I could feel the tension drain from the room.  I could see the “victor” completely relax and enjoy the victory, and the vanquished, gracefully accepting his or her defeat.  It was a beautiful moment of surrender.

Now in general, I tend to shy away from notions of “right” and “wrong” as much as possible because I often find the concepts of right and wrong to be very polarizing and upsetting.  But in the case of my mom and step-dad, through their ability to surrender, they found a way to honor one another’s opinion and remain connected.

I wonder if you’d be willing to practice this art with your kids this week.  Certainly there will be times when setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is what’s called for, but this week, keep an eye out for the times when a graceful surrender could be the most connecting choice.

I’d love to hear all about your experiences of the art of surrender.  Please share some with me in the space below.

Thanks!  And have a wonderful day, Shelly

Grrrr... Dagny III © Christee Cook

Recognizing how you feel can be challenging. In fact, I’ve been working on it for the past ten years.

I think of it as an act of self-love.

This Valentine’s Day give yourself the gift of tuning into your emotions.

I’ve been on a journey toward more and more emotional awareness over the last decade. And now, not only am I more aware of what’s going on inside me, I’m often able to tune in to others, and offer nurturing and support.

In my teens and twenties, I had become a master of stuffing my emotions. I’d feel an emotion welling up in my throat, but then I’d swallow it down and put on a happy face.

For a while I almost convinced myself that I didn’t even have any feelings, like sadness and anger.

If I really needed a release, I would hide in my bed at night and cry myself to sleep, trying to keep quiet so I didn’t disturb anyone. I felt ashamed of my “darker” emotions.

When I first started to notice that I was stuffing my “negative” emotions, I began to practice allowing myself to feel them, rather than resisting and suppressing them.

I had a wonderful group of friends who supported me in expressing my feelings fully. We were all exploring our “dark” emotions together. It was liberating to have the support of my friends even when it seemed like the rest of the world still wanted me to bottle everything up.

When the feelings did start to flow, I felt a huge rush of pent-up emotion burst forth from me. I cried every day for at least six months and then, several times a week for just as long.

Now that I’ve cleared the backlog of emotion from my system, I’m able to feel and express things in the moment.

For a while I grappled with the questions: What is the purpose of these feelings? What good does it do to cry?

But then, I always felt better after a good cry. It was like a purging. And I actually felt lighter afterward.

Then one day I was on a long drive and I listened to a radio story about a woman doing beautiful humanitarian work somewhere in Africa.

I began to weep spontaneously, but they weren’t sad tears. I was simply overwhelmed with joy and appreciation. My heart was bursting with love.

And as I sobbed along the freeway, I realized that I couldn’t remember ever having had happy tears before–they were like a myth that had suddenly become real. And until it happened to me, I hadn’t quite believed it was possible.

My heart felt so full and joyous, and I wanted everyone in the world to experience that sensation.
I realized that for much of my life, my heart had been so closed and protected, that I’d been unable to feel deep joy. Now I’ve learned to live with an open, vulnerable heart.

I want YOU to experience that overflowing joy.

Sometimes it’s scary to be so open and permeable, but I do it anyway, because no matter how much pain I feel, it pales in comparison to that ecstatic joy.

So, this week, my invitation to you all is to open the floodgates. Let all that unexpressed emotion out but don’t direct it at anyone specific, just allow the feelings to flow out into the ether. Then, notice how light and joyful you feel afterward.

And if you have a friend, family member, or empathy buddy, see if they would be willing to listen to you express your feelings. Then, take a turn and listen to them. Sometimes it’s easier to access our withheld emotions when there’s a witness present.

Thanks for being here. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love and hugs, Shelly

PS I would love to hear all about your experiences of emotional expression-was it ok, not ok, and how do you feel about your feelings now? Share with me in the comment box below…

Let me try some different words...

I now have great sympathy for whomever said, “Children should be seen and not heard.” Sometimes it feels like the last thing I can manage is to process yet another whine, yell or insult at the end of a long day. It’s times like those I want to reach for an “off” button. Or to borrow Shelly’s patience .

While responding to Jasmine’s comment last week, I started thinking about the different ways I handle behaviors that challenge me. While there are probably an infinite number of ways I respond, I can think of two main ways: vulnerable and controlling.

A simple way of breaking it down is, sometimes, when I feel sad, angry or frustrated, I feel myself opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling. Sort of an “Ahhhhhh” sense to it. That’s the vulnerable way.

Other times, I feel myself contracting, pushing the feeling aside and trying to control the situation. More of “Spit-spot, let’s go!”-Mary Poppins sort of feel to it. (Well, on a good day.)

Usually, when I’m with my son, I tend to contract and try to control whatever behavior is stimulating my sadness, anger or frustration. Not wanting to be controlled, my son rebels. Who can blame him? I was (ok, am) exactly the same way.

It’s hard for me to remember that I also have the vulnerable option: opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling.

If I want my son to be able to express himself in this way, and receive other peoples’ vulnerable expressions with love and kindness, hadn’t we better start at home?

It’s a hard enough thing, sometimes, to remember to do with other adults. With an unbridled, unpredictable, loud, careening child, sometimes I feel like I’d be lucky to be able to pull this off once a year.

But when I do, I notice that I start to look at him differently. I see him as someone with vast human ability, a complex human, rather than an object in my orbit to be managed.

Also, by being vulnerable, I show him I respect him enough to trust him with my feelings. Not burden him inappropriately by dumping stuff on him he can’t handle, nor by attacking him, but by sharing gently and openly how what I see and hear affects me.

For example, instead of saying, “Please take the cymbals out of the kitchen,” I might say, “Ouch, those hurt my ears. It’s hard to hear myself think. Would you be willing to play with those in the other room?”

In other words, I can start with myself and what’s going on with me. “Wow, that was hard to hear, kind of felt like a slam in the gut.” “Aargh, I’m really frustrated, I spent a lot of time putting that stuff together and really liked it the way it was. I’m sad, and disappointed to see it all over the floor!”

By starting with sharing our feelings, we get to practice and model the same skill we want to teach: use your words! But with the added step of sharing our feelings first.

Warmly,

Jill

P.S. What kinds of words have you been using with the young ones in your life? We love to hear about it. Share your stories and thoughts below in the comment box…