Shelly – Page 10 – Awake Parent

March 6, 2013

4 Ways to Make Sure Kids Know You’re On Their Side

Kids have a different way of thinking about life and their experiences than we adults do. They have a tendency to blame themselves for other people’s behavior. And they often make up wildly inaccurate reasons for why things happen the way they do. That’s all perfectly normal and experience will eventually show them that they’re not responsible for their brother’s broken arm or for a huge snowstorm.

But sometimes it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between friend and foe from moment to moment, even in their own home. One minute we’re their hero because we let them have a special treat, then next, we’re the enemy who won’t allow them to go to the party, or draw on the walls, or run naked through the house.

And when a child thinks her parent is the enemy, the connection suffers and the child is less likely to cooperate in the future. That’s a huge reason why research has shown that punishment is actually counterproductive. Sure, it lessens the incidents of the offense when kids are in our presence, but overall, punishments teach kids to hide their actions, figure out ways not to get caught, and live a more secretive life.

If you want your kids to adhere to certain rules because they see the value of those rules, connection is the key and punishment is a losing strategy. So how can we be sure our children know that we’re on their side, even if we won’t let them do everything they want to do?

Here are four ways to be sure your kids know that you’re a team:

1) Sit side by side

When we’re across from each other, we have a tendency to be more antagonistic, we often feel defensive, protective and fearful in this position, especially if the other person is larger, has more power, and is upset about something. Instead, try sitting side by side, which encourages teamwork and helps us feel like we’re working together to solve a problem.

2) Help them win their argument

Help them win their argument—When a child is arguing his position it’s easy to produce a stronger argument or to simply say no. Instead, try helping your child to strengthen his argument. Give him insider tips to how to convince you to change your mind. And if it’s something you can wiggle on, allow your child to win the argument and convince you to change your mind. This gives kids a sense of power and accomplishment and it teaches them that you’re willing to work WITH them, rather than against them.

3) Offer empathy

When your child is upset about something, don’t try to convince her out of her feelings, instead, reflect those feelings back to her so that she knows you understand. “Wow, you’re really upset about that. It sounds like you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?” When your child is having big feelings, avoid explaining your position, convincing her to feel differently, minimizing her feelings, or changing the subject. And make sure your child knows that it’s OK to feel the way she feels and that emotions are a normal and natural part of life.

4) Explain the reason for the rules

If your child questions the rules, explain them to him. Do this only if your child is reasonably relaxed but is curious. “The reason we always hold hands when crossing the street is because there’s safety in numbers. If you fell down, I could help you up. And since I’m taller than you, people driving cars can see me more easily and they’re less likely to accidentally hit you. I want you to be safe, so that’s why we always hold hands when crossing the street.” Avoid pat phrases like, “because I said so” as they don’t give a child any additional information and they imply that you can arbitrarily set rules for no logical reason. From a child’s perspective this can seem much more like a dictatorship than a team.

By using these four strategies, you can help your child learn to trust that you’re on their side and that even when you’re enforcing rules that they don’t like, you’re doing it for the good of the family, and not just because you wan them to suffer.

I’m curious, have you used these strategies before? Do you think they’ve helped you maintain a closer connection to your child? Or are you struggling to resist the urge to punish your kids? I would love to hear about your experience. Please share your thoughts below.

And have a wonderful week!

Warmly, Shelly

February 28, 2013

Let’s Stop Controlling and Start Listening to Children

The urge to control our kids can be almost uncontrollably strong at times, can’t it? “I just want her to do what I want right now!” But whenever we’re struggling with a child and we want them to submit to our authority, we’re silently taking away everything we’ve said (or were about to say) to our kids about standing up for themselves against peer pressure. We’re sending the message that we’re the more powerful ones and their ideas, thoughts, and desires don’t even matter.

Well I’ve got news for you. What children want does matter. In fact, I would argue that what they want is just as important as what you want. Yes, you are the parent and you get to make the final decision about what’s happening next, what the rules are, and how you’ll handle it when rules are broken. But if you’re really honest with yourself, is your desire to get out the door really more important than his desire to play with his trains for five more minutes?

As adults, I think we have a tendency to take our power for granted and since we live in a culture that values a power over approach, it can be difficult to get out of that destructive cycle. But I think it’s time for each of us to try.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to raise a child who already feels powerful and capable and knows that his ideas and preferences matter to the people who love him? Sure there are times when he’ll be disappointed, that’s just a part of life. We never get exactly what we want 100% of the time. But instead of engaging in a power struggle, I’d rather work WITH kids to help find a solution that actually works well for all of us.

I’m not talking about giving all of the power to your child, never setting any rules or boundaries, and being at the mercy of a kid who has power over you. That isn’t a healthy scenario for anyone involved.

What I’m talking about is avoiding forcing, coercing, bribing, or threatening and instead reasoning, helping, cooperating, and respecting children as the whole human beings they already are.

I’m talking about coupling increased power and autonomy with real world responsibilities so that our kids can grow up prepared for life both practically speaking and also in terms of their ability to negotiate for what they want and make a place for themselves in the big wide world.

Let’s stop forcing them to do our will, take a step back and watch what they do when we give them the freedom they’re yearning for. Let’s follow their lead more often and encourage them to develop their interests and go for their goals with gusto.

Instead of teaching children to follow the rules, do what adults tell them to do, and submit to our dominance, let’s learn from their wisdom, let them make the rules, and help them use their power wisely.

My bet is that children have a lot more to teach us than we might realize.

OK, end rant! 🙂

I hope you’re having a great week and I always love to hear from you.

Warm hugs, Shelly

February 20, 2013

How to Keep Your Cool When Your Kids Are Freaking Out

Have you ever thought, “Well, maybe I should just give him what he wants so that I won’t have to deal with the impending tantrum”? If so, you’re certainly not alone. Dealing with the emotional outbursts our kids sometimes have can be disconcerting and stressful, especially when they activate our own emotional volatility.

Yet, it’s clear that a lack of boundaries causes children to experience heightened anxiety and other stress responses. So, how can we set clear boundaries AND reduce tantrums? And what about all of the feelings that come up when we witness our beloved children melting down?

The key to all of this is teaching children emotion regulation. But here’s the bad news, as with everything, our children learn far more from who we are and how we respond than they do from the words we say. So in order to teach our kids to regulate their emotions, guess what? We have to learn to regulate our own emotional states.

And regulating emotions is a LOT easier said than done. Luckily, I have some tips that will get you started on the right track. And once you’ve had a taste of meeting your child’s outbursts with composure, I’m pretty sure you’ll stay the course. It’s super empowering to know that we can choose our feelings (most of the time) and that we don’t have to get triggered by our kids’ freak-outs.

I’m currently reading “Peaceful Parent Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting” by Dr. Laura Markham and I highly recommend it. Yesterday I highlighted a quote from Dr. Markham. “Usually in parenting, and in life, the best response to upsetting emotions is to reflect, not react. In other words, don’t take action while you’re triggered.”

I don’t know about you, but this was a profound insight for me. When I’m triggered my job is to STOP and reflect on what’s going on for me and to avoid taking any actions toward my child. That way, I’ll minimize the likelihood that I’ll damage our relationship and maximize my modeling of emotion regulation.

So here are some first steps to take if you struggle with emotional outbursts:

1) Begin to notice which emotions trigger you most. For some, anger is the scariest, but for others, sadness or anxiety can send them into an emotional tailspin.

2) Now identify specific incidences where you were triggered and you didn’t respond in the way you would have liked. For instance, during bedtime, I sometimes get so frustrated with my daughter’s wiggling that I threaten to leave the room. Not my finest hour, but a perfect opportunity to notice my triggers.

3) Next, imagine what it might look and feel like to be more composed and calm during a future similar incident.

4) Make a plan for how you’ll calm yourself. Breathing deeply and tuning in to my feelings and needs works for me. But perhaps you’d rather shake your body, dance, or do some sort of grounding exercise.

Then, during a future episode:

1) Remind yourself that your upset isn’t coming from your child’s behavior, rather it’s coming from your past experiences (and probably from a childhood experience) and now it’s a trigger for you.

2) Recognize that you’re triggered and choose NOT to act. Instead, reflect on what’s coming up for you and allow your child to express her emotions unfettered.

3) Do the calming activities you’ve decided upon.

4) Tell your child, “It’s OK to cry.” Or “I’m right here if you need me.” Or “I understand, you’re really upset about this.”

5) Don’t give in to any urge to let your child have what they want just to get them to stop screaming.

And during a future peaceful moment:

1) Talk to your child during a calm moment and share your intention to yell less, be less punitive, or whatever your specific goal is. And share with your child about your own challenges with emotions. Let them know that they’re not alone in their inability to cope with big feelings and reassure them that you’re on it. Remind your child that it’s your job as their parent to help them learn better coping skills.

2) Internally acknowledge any failures as progress toward your goal and celebrate your successes with your child. “Remember how upset I used to get when you cried? And now I can sit with you peacefully, even when you’re really upset. You helped me learn to do that!”

3) Reevaluate your rules to make sure you’re only setting the boundaries that really matter to you. If it seems like an arbitrary rule, throw it out and let your child know about the change during a relaxed moment.

This is such a huge topic, far too much to cover in one article. But I hope these suggestions are helpful and I would love to share more! Feel free to contact me anytime.

And have a lovely week, Shelly

February 13, 2013

50 Ways to Share Your Love on Valentine’s Day and Every Day

I think Valentine’s Day gets a bad rap. My husband calls it a “Hallmark Holiday” but I still love Valentine’s Day because I’m all about the love. This may stem from the fact that I’m solidly a Type 2 in the Enneagram. I’m “The Helper” and based on my personality type, my primary motivation in life is to love and be loved.

If you don’t know about the Enneagram yet, definitely check it out. You will learn a TON about yourself and a lot about your loved ones too. My favorite Enneagram book is “Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery” by Riso and Hudson.

But even if I wasn’t a Type 2, I still think I’d enjoy Valentine’s Day because it’s the perfect excuse to share love and appreciation with everyone! Sure, I spread the love on other days too, but this is a holiday completely dedicated to love. What could be better?

So, whether you like the holiday or not, let’s all take the time to share our love and appreciation with the special people in our lives. Oh, and let’s not forget to also RECEIVE love and appreciation this week as well. Sharing love is a two way street and if we can’t receive as well as giving, then we’re stopping the flow of love.

What might it look like to give and receive some extra love this week? Well, it could take many different forms. If we use The Five Love Languages as a guide, we realize that we can give and receive love in all sorts of ways!

Here are the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman):

1) Gifts

2) Acts of Service

3) Physical Touch

4) Quality Time

5) Words of Affirmation

And here’s a survey you can fill out online to see what your primary love language is.

There are countless ways to show someone you care.

So, here are 50 ways to show your loved ones how much you adore them off the top of my head and in no particular order:

1) A hug

2) A kiss

3) Snuggles

4) Say “I love you”

5) Read to them

6) Give loving eye contact

7) Fix something broken

8) Run an errand

9) Make a homemade card

10) Find a beautiful rock, shell, or feather to give

11) Go for a walk

12) Have a picnic together

13) Act our your love in pantomime

14) Share something you appreciate about them

15) Scrape off an icy windshield

16) Cook their favorite dinner

17) Send flowers

18) Call them

19) Skype them

20) Text them (FB message, IM, Email, etc.)

21) Write a note

22) Send a letter

23) Dance

24) Sing a song of love

25) Let them choose the activity

26) Brag about them to someone else

27) Make a collage for them

28) Hold hands

29) Give a massage

30) Wash their feet

31) Wink

32) Draw them a picture

33) Make them a basket

34) Crochet or knit a scarf

35) Tell them how they’ve changed your life for the better

36) Blow bubbles

37) Give cash

38) Wash their car

39) Make a “welcome home” banner

40) Record a video

41) Brush their hair

42) Bake a special cake

43) Leave a gift on their doorstep

44) Tell a room full of people how you feel about them

45) Propose marriage

46) Clap extra loud after their performance

47) Introduce them to someone else you love

48) Say, “I adore you.”

49) Tell them about one of your favorite memories with them

50) Ask a question and pay attention to the answer

So, that should get you started, now you can choose something, anything, and do it TODAY to share your heart with the people you love.

And, I would love to continue this list. What would you add to it? Please leave a comment and let’s keep love alive!

Have a “lovely” week 😉

Hugs, Shelly

February 6, 2013

I Trust You

I’ve been working on my new eCourse that will be available this spring and so I’ve been thinking a lot about my parenting values, my priorities, and the ultimate messages I want my daughter to receive both verbally and non-verbally through my parenting.

Of course I want her to know she’s loved and cherished and that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want her to know she’s valuable and capable and that her opinion matters. And as I pondered these things there was one message that kept showing up.

I trust you.

I want my child to know that not only is she wise and capable, but that I actually recognize that she knows what she’s doing. Yes, she’s just two and a half years old, and I want her to know that I trust her to make wise decisions and to take care of herself, and that I support her in taking appropriate risks and reaping their rewards. I want her to know that it’s OK if she falls on her face, we all do that sometimes, and we learn and grow as a result.

I want her to trust herself.

So the other day when she was sorting the silverware, a task she joyfully takes on almost every time I ask, I cringed when she kept asking me to confirm whether the spoon was large or small or whether the fork was in the right spot. “I trust you.” I responded. “You can decide if it’s large or small. Just put it where YOU think it should go.” She happily resumed her task, finished up and went into the other room to do something else.

But later, I worried about her need for reassurance and her fear of making a mistake. I wondered if she’s getting too much feedback from adults about how “right” or “wrong” she is. I fretted that perhaps because I’ve taught her the difference between a sphere and an ellipsoid, I may have inadvertently taken away her ability to discover those things for herself.

Later, after all the worry had dissipated, I just knew on a deeper level how dedicated I am to trusting my child and how committed I am to nurturing self-trust in her. I remembered all the times I’ve refused to offer her an evaluation and asked her to tell me what she thinks instead. I recalled a few times when she’s asked me a question and I’ve simply responded, “You know.”

I remembered a time at the playground when she refused to climb up, worried she might fall. And then a subsequent trip when she tried to climb up and did fall (even though I was spotting her). She cried, got back up and tried again, finally succeeding. I remembered the look on her face. It looked like the success was even sweeter after her previous failure.

I know that’s often the case for me. Overcoming fear and putting in effort gives me a greater sense of purpose. And maybe that’s what they’re meant to do. It’s the things I’m not willing to try, because I’m afraid of failure that most plague me. It’s the times I notice that I’m playing it safe that disappoint me. Because I think we’re all bound for greatness, except when we get in our own way or we’re too afraid to step up.

So I want my daughter to trust her instincts and go for what she wants, recognizing a potential failure as just another stepping-stone to success. Because after all, as long as we persevere, that’s really all failures ever are.

And when she has a question, I want her to look within and know that she’ll always find what she needs there. Sure, she can look something up or ask a teacher. But ultimately, I want her to know that HER truth is what matters most. I want her to know that no matter what others might say, she can trust her inner knowing.

In fact, I want that for everyone! So this week, let’s all trust ourselves more and let’s remind our children that they’re trustworthy. Let’s also take a look at our words and our actions to make sure that we’re sending the message loud and clear that we trust our children. And if there are things that you’re doing that seem to fly in the face of that message, look within and decide for yourself whether you still need to do those things. Maybe there’s a way that you can trust and let go even more than you are already. Or maybe not. Either way, I trust you.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly