Author: Shelly

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The Top Ten Things I’ve Learned About Getting Organized

I used to resist organizing. I’d put it off until my drawers were overflowing and my closets bulged. But at some point, often at the worst possible moment, I’d be forced to handle the clutter that had built up beyond recognition.

I’ve turned a corner in this regard. I actually enjoy organizing and re-organizing now! And having a few days “off work” seemed like a great opportunity to re-organize some areas of my home that had been neglected of late.

So, the pantry got an overhaul last weekend and so did a strangely shaped cabinet in my kitchen. Now both are more usable, more pleasing to look at, I know what I have and I’ve gotten rid of the stuff I was keeping but no longer needed. It’s amazing how much space can be taken up by things that we rarely use, but that we still think we need to keep around. For me, a huge part of organizing is letting go of the things I think I need, but don’t actually use.

Whew! I’m so glad I tackled that pantry (thanks to my wonderful husband for the inspiration). What a nice feeling to start the New Year with! Next up, my office! Ha! That’s a joke, I’ve been working on organizing my office for at least a year. And, yes it’s far better than it has been in the past. Maybe I should add an organized office to my 2013 vision!

Do you enjoy organizing? Or do you experience it as a constant battle? Do you dread doing it with the kids around? Or is it fun to include them in the process?

I used to do all my re-organizing when my daughter was asleep because I was afraid she would take things from various piles, carry them around the house, or just need my attention while I was in the midst of my project. I still tend to do more organizing when she’s otherwise occupied, but now I’m no longer afraid of what will happen if she’s around while I’m moving things around.

I figure it’s probably good for her to see behind the curtain a little bit and start to understand that there are things that need consistent revisiting in order to keep our home tidy and accessible.

At almost two and a half, Julia is now responsible for putting her clean breakable dishes into her kitchen drawer after they come out of the dishwasher. She does this task with gusto each and every time I ask, but it’s only possible because we’ve kept her drawer well organized and it’s not overstuffed with items that are rarely used.

Here’s what I’ve learned about staying on top of organization lately.

1)   It’s never ending.

2)   I need empty bins, baskets and buckets to dump things into at the beginning of any reorganization attempt.

3)   I need bins, baskets, and buckets to hold ongoing in-process items like “giveaway” “to be filed” and “to be fixed.”

4)   I MUST have systems for dealing with things like junk mail, personal items, things that are broken and need fixing etc.

5)   It’s never ending.

6)   A place for everything and everything in its place is a fantasy right now (albeit one of my favorites), but I will achieve it. I WILL ACHIEVE IT.

7)   Keeping things from coming INTO my house is probably even more important than having a system for dealing with things once they’re here.

8)   Asking my daughter, husband, mom, and whoever else is willing to HELP me is crucial. I don’t have to do it all myself.

9)   It’s my job to set the expectations and to let my family members know when it’s time to straighten up (without throwing a fit by huffing around the house complaining about what a pit it is).

10)   It’s never ending, so I might as well enjoy the process.

I recently read “Getting Things Done” by David Allen and I realized that there are all sorts of ways that I’ve been undermining my own efforts to organize. Now I’ve got a clear plan and I’m chipping away at my bad habits bit by bit.

Do you know what’s keeping you from having the tidy and organized home you dream about? Or are things just fine as they are? I would love to hear about your own journey of staying organized at home. Please share a story or comment below!

And have a fabulous day, Shelly

 

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How to Write an Effective Vision

So last week I shared my list of intentions for 2013 and I also shared that simply setting intentions is not enough to really make the changes you’re wanting. I recommended turning that list of intentions into a Vision with these qualities:

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

Now that you have your list of intentions, let me walk you through the process of creating a vision that will easily and effectively draw forth the results you’re wanting. I’m going to break down each of these parameters and then I’ll offer you an example of my own vision in process.

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

This is crucially important since in my experience we get more of whatever we put our attention on. This is especially true when it comes to parenting. If I focus on my daughter’s whining and how annoying it is, voila! I get more whining. On the other hand, if I put my attention on an activity or behavior that I enjoy, again, I get more of it.

So, as you’re writing your vision, be sure to double and triple check it to make sure you’re saying things like “My daughter asks for what she needs before she’s in distress” instead of “My daughter never whines.” If you have any specific questions about this part, feel free to send me a message and I’ll let you know if I find anything that could be worded more positively.

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

Again, I can’t overstate the importance of this rule when writing an effective vision. Statements like, “Someday I will learn to control myself and use a kind tone of voice.” will only serve to reinforce the fact that you’re not there yet.

Instead, try, “Whenever I feel irritated, I take a deep breath and remind myself that we are all just trying to meet our needs. Then I notice whether I can speak calmly or if I need a moment alone either to express my emotions in a healthy way or to step further into composure. My children support my intention to speak to them calmly, and remind me to take a break if they think I need one.”

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

The reason that writing a vision can be so effectives is because it creates a memory within us of how it feels to have accomplished these goals and to be living in this specific way. When we have a vague idea what we might want, we’re unlikely to get it. On the other hand, when we know exactly what it is we want to create, we figure out ways to go about manifesting that very thing. Your vision might be completely different from mine in content, but if you want it to be effective, just make sure that you feel the way you want to while you’re reading it. Whatever imagery, details, or people you need to include, go for it. It can be whatever you want it to be, and should actually be so awesome you almost can’t believe your “luck.”

Humans have a long and rich tradition of narration and story telling and I don’t think it’s just a lark or a distraction from reality. Rather, I see story telling as one of the most effective ways we have to make sense of our reality and to encode memories in helpful ways that allow us to continue to develop. Remembering every detail of our lives doesn’t work well, which is why memory doesn’t work that way. Remembering the parts of our lives that are important to us, the stories that are meaningful, or teach us a specific lesson, that’s where the juice is.

So when you’re writing your vision, be sure you enjoy reading it and that it has a clear storyline or the ability to transport you into the scene in the same way that a good movie or memorable novel can. If the narrative doesn’t move you, keep working on it or ask for help until you can come up with something that does.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

Here’s where the rubber really meets the road. Now that you’ve created a narrative that really speaks to you, inspires you and excites you, you need to share it with other humans. Why? Because we don’t live in a vacuum. We are social creatures and guess what happens when you share your vision with a trusted friend or family member? You’re sharing something meaningful and vulnerable which means that your friends and family get to learn something more about who you are and what you want. But the magic really happens because you’re DECLARING your intentions. Essentially it’s the difference between secretly loving someone but being too fearful to tell them and actually shouting from the rooftops, “I LOVE KEVIN!!!”

You’re not just wishing or hoping for life to change in these important ways, you’re DOING something about it. You’re creating a new reality in your own mind, and then when you share your thoughts with others, they become more real. The same thing happens when you complain to your girlfriends. Your friends commiserate with you to make sure that your reality IS reality, whether good or bad. This is part of why it’s so important to stay positive, because we get more of whatever we focus on.

OK, so I promised you an example from my own vision. So here’s a part of a first draft…

First, here’s my original list of intentions:

1)   Help Julia learn to fall asleep on her own with little help from an adult

2)   Keep track of all expenditures and get spending under control

3)   Find new ways to save money and make wise long term financial decisions

4)   Double (at least) my income from 2012

5)   Lose 13 more pounds and continue to exercise regularly

6)   Create my first Awake Parent eCourse and launch it successfully

7)   Grow my list to 10,000 subscribers

8)   Take classes just for me (voice lessons, belly dancing etc.)

9)   Swim lessons for Julia

10)  Get pregnant???

Now, here’s my first attempt at a vision that encompasses them…

Wow, my life is so incredibly awesome! I am happily surprised at how much I enjoy money management now, in fact, I’ve just discovered yet another way to save money on household expenses and I am looking forward to my next appointment with my financial advisor like a kid with a cookie jar. It’s so much fun to see our retirement accounts growing and growing!

When I woke up this morning I couldn’t wait to head over to the gym for my usual hour-long work out. I love to sweat and read my novel. My work out time has really become the “me” time that nurtures and fulfills me. I’ll definitely be able to continue my cardio work-outs all the way through this pregnancy.

I am elated at how much money I’m bringing in this year. All of my money worries have been handled and now I get to have fun saving and planning for our future! I am so honored that my clients trust me to support them and their development and continue to be so incredibly generous and loyal. And I’m super excited that my first eCourse is such a big hit!

I have thousands of subscribers to my newsletter and my online business has built so much momentum that it continues to grow without additional effort on my part. I’m looking forward to hiring my first employee this year. But what really feels great about growing this business is all of the people and families I’m helping. I’m finally getting the word out about connection parenting, respect for young people, and effective gentle discipline that works. Hooray!

OK, so you get the idea. This is definitely not finished and it is NOT a final draft, but can you FEEL the excitement?! I think the last two paragraphs need the most work. I need to hone in on what most inspires me about this work and why I think it makes such a huge difference in the world. Now THAT will be an inspiring vision to step into!

So, I hope this article was helpful and if you have any questions or want to share your vision with us, feel free to add it to the comments.

Have a fabulous week! Love, Shelly

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Setting Intentions for the New Year

The end of 2012 is sneaking up on us, we have just two and a half weeks left of this year! I’ve been busy entering data from the year into my accounting spreadsheets and preparing for taxes. But as the year comes to an end, I think it’s only natural to look toward the coming year and set some intentions.

I don’t like to call them “New Year’s Resolutions” as that phrase brings up memories of failed attempts to make a change, over zealous lifestyle changes that last a couple of weeks, and broken promises to myself. Yuck!

Instead, I’d rather set my intentions for 2013. By setting intentions I’m not telling myself I can’t or won’t fail. I’m not making any wild pronouncements about what I will ALWAYS or NEVER do. Instead, I’m stating a desire, creating a picture of how I’d like things to go, and setting some specific goals to strive for, while giving myself love, acceptance, and grace when things don’t go as planned.

So here’s my list so far:

1)   Help Julia learn to fall asleep on her own with little help from an adult

2)   Keep track of all expenditures and get spending under control

3)   Find new ways to save money and make wise long term financial decisions

4)   Double (at least) my income from 2012

5)   Lose 13 more pounds and continue to exercise regularly

6)   Create my first Awake Parent eCourse and launch it successfully

7)   Grow my list to 10,000 subscribers

8)   Take classes just for me (voice lessons, belly dancing etc.)

9)   Swim lessons for Julia

10)  Get pregnant???

Wow, it feels so vulnerable to share all that! I think it’s worth it though, because it can be difficult to set intentions without a real life example. Here are some other intentions that some of my friends and clients have shared with me for 2013:

1)   Have special time with each of my kids every week

2)   Start a date night with my husband that we protect as sacred

3)   Double the reach of my charitable organization

4)   Find my life partner and fall in love

5)   Stop yelling at my kids

6)   Have better, more frequent sex

7)   Buy a new car with cash

8)   Refinance my mortgage

9)   Foster empathy between siblings

10)  Implement more gentle discipline

Sure, this could end up being similar to any goal setting or to do list. But here’s what will make the biggest difference between just creating a list and noticing that nothing happens, and actually accomplishing these intentions.

Turn your list of intentions into a VISION.

Now I know that visioning works, because that’s how I found my wonderful husband! Here are the rules for writing an effective vision:

1)   Everything is stated in the positive (no exceptions).

2)   It is written in present tense, as if all of this is already true.

3)   It is a narrative and when you read it you truly FEEL how you will feel when you accomplish the goals within.

4)   You MUST share your vision with at least three people.

So, your homework for this week, if you choose to accept it, is to make a simple list of intentions for 2013. And next week, I’ll share more about turning that list into a vision that will draw the results you’re wanting into your life easily and effectively.

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

 

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The Santa Conversation

My daughter is two years old and I’ve been fretting about the Santa conversation. I’m clear that I don’t want to lie to her. I remember feeling betrayed and angry when I realized that Santa is mythical. And I’d like to save my daughter from that same break of trust.

On the other hand, I do believe in magic. I love fantasy play and we already talk a lot about dragons, read stories in which animals speak and play imaginary games.

Since she’s just two, we’re just beginning to have conversations about what’s “real” and what’s “imaginary.” Julia will often ask if something is “real or dead” as the distinctions between alive, dead, real, and imaginary are tricky ones. Just last week we had a philosophical discussion about how a doll can’t get hurt because she’s not a “real” baby. But my husband was quick to point out that she is a real doll! It’s all very complex.

We have a lot of extended family here in Bend, OR, so as the holidays approached, I made sure to talk with my husband, parents, and in-laws about my concerns about the Santa story so that we could all get on the same page and create the least confusion for Julia.

We had some interesting conversations to say the least. My wonderful father-in-law reminded me of the mother in the movie “Miracle on 34th Street” who refused to play along with the Santa story, always told her daughter the truth, and also robbed herself and her daughter the experience of believing in magic. Luckily, magic wins out in the end.

I know I’m not THAT mom. But I’m also not the mom who insists that Santa is going to come to our house jump through the chimney and leave extravagant gifts for us. We won’t be leaving milk and cookies out and we don’t even have a chimney. So how can I share the mythical story, the magic, and the wonder, without lying to my child?

I just read Dr. Laura Markham’s response to a similar inquiry and liked what she had to say on the topic. She shared the idea of answering a child’s questions with our own questions. “What do you think?” which I like to do in general. I really love hearing the interesting ideas and connections my daughter comes up with when I ask her open-ended questions like that.

But the part that really resonated with me was talking with children about the spirit of Santa. I have always loved the idea of sharing the story of Saint Nicholas and his generous spirit, and I do see modern day Santa as a reflection of those values.

So yes, we’ll talk about the story of Santa, the myth of Santa Claus, the real person Saint Nicholas who lived a long long time ago. Just like we’ll talk about the birth of Christ, the Maccabees and their oil, and lots of other historical, religious, and didactic stories during this holiday season.

We’ll sing about dreidels and jingle bells and snow. And whatever my daughter’s experience is, at least I’ll know that I’ve chosen what works for me, what feels right in my bones, and I can be certain that I can look her in the eye and say, I hear you, I love you, and I’ll always do my best to tell you the truth.

As for the things she hears from everybody else, ultimately I can’t control that, nor do I want to. A part of being human is realizing that sometimes people lie, sometimes their truths differ from yours, and sometimes believing in magic really is the best thing for all involved.

Have a great week!

Love and hugs, Shelly

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