Author: Shelly

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Sharing Your Kids With Your Ex During the Holidays

Divorce, it’s not a topic we usually think of when we’re considering holiday plans, but for children whose parents live separately, holidays can be both wonderful and complicated.

I know they were for me.

My parents divorced when I was five and optimist that I am, I could be heard saying things like, “I’m glad my parents are divorced, now they don’t fight so much!” or, “I get two birthdays, two Christmases, and about four Thanksgiving dinners!”

But the truth is, it was hard for me, even though I never would have admitted that at the time.

It’s stressful to be moving from one home to another or to travel across town or across the country just to visit with your own family for the holidays. And though we all feel the pinch since most of us live far from our families of origin, I think this time is especially stressful for children of divorce.

I can feel my stomach tensing up as I write this. It’s hard to say goodbye to one family and jump into a whole new environment with different people, different rules and expectations, and all the while, missing the family you’ve just said goodbye to. I’m not sure anyone can fully appreciate the experience unless they’ve been through it themselves.

I’ve been there.

I have a few close friends and some clients who are currently separated, divorced, or in the process of divorcing and when I talk with them, I can hear their deep concern for their children along with their relief at having made a decision that will make them happier, better parents overall.

If you’re one of those parents, congratulations on choosing what will surely turn out to be best for you and your kids. Even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, you can help your child have a happy, healthy childhood AND keep yourself sane by creating some distance with your ex.

Underneath the surface questions like how often should he see his dad or should I ask for full custody, I often hear deeper questions like, will my child be OK and how can I make sure he grows up happy and well adjusted?

So, here’s what I know about what works and what doesn’t when you’re sharing your precious child with someone who you no longer want to share a life with.

1)     Protect the child’s relationships with BOTH parents.

The relationship with the other parent MUST be fiercely protected, cared for, nurtured, and supported by BOTH parents. If my mom hadn’t tucked in her own angry feelings toward my dad and made sure I spent lots of time with him, I wouldn’t have the wonderful relationship with my dad that I have today.

And if my dad hadn’t generously agreed to share custody when he wasn’t legally bound to do so, my relationships with my mom and step-dad would have suffered greatly. One thing my parents did right after their divorce: they made sure I had MY OWN relationship with each of them.

What this means for you: Resist the urge to vilify your ex and instead, share the things you appreciate about your ex with your child. Make sure your child has as much time with each of her parents as possible. And always be available to help your child process and work through any negative thoughts or feelings she might have about her other parent. Remember that you and your co-parent are your child’s best example of emotional maturity and responsibility. And if you need help processing your own stuff about your ex, seek professional help. Don’t rely on your child to help you work through your own feelings toward her other parent.

2)    Make transitions smooth and predictable

Transitions between households are difficult, there’s no way around that. It’s completely bewildering to switch homes, so do your best to provide consistency and clarity during and after the transition (and before the next one).

Here are a few suggestions for how to ease the transition:

  • Be there for the hand-off. It’s hugely important to be present at major transitions like picking up or dropping of your child at the other parent’s house. Don’t send a proxy for this important job.
  • Be on time. Don’t make a child wait around for you to pick them up. Children are extremely self-centered which is developmentally appropriate, but that means that they take things very personally too. When you’re late for a pick up, or you send someone else, a child might interpret that to mean that they’re not important to you.
  • Create a short ritual around welcoming the child back to your home. This can be as simple as a hug, a kiss, and helping your child unpack his bag. Or it could be something more elaborate like lighting a candle and saying a prayer for his other family. Ask your child what he would like to do.

3)    Celebrate the benefits and talk about the drawbacks

It was pretty awesome to get twice as many gifts on birthdays and Christmas. More gifts at holidays is a tangible benefit of having divorced parents that a child might want to celebrate. So go ahead and let her revel in her good fortune!

But also remember that even if your child seems “well adjusted,” it’s also important to talk about the drawbacks and downside of having multiple families. It’s a lot of hard work to pack a bag and move to a new home every so often, adjusting to new expectations and enjoying time with this family while simultaneously missing the other one. It would be a lot for anyone to process, and it’s especially overwhelming and confusing for a child.

The best way I know to process emotions is to talk about them. “Wow, I bet you’re having a lot of feelings today. You might be feeling excited to be here, but you’re also feeling sad about leaving your other home, huh?”

A little bit of empathy can go a long way to helping your child understand what she’s going through.

4)   Get professional support for your child

My parents were always big fans of therapy, so I never felt badly about getting professional help to work through my feelings. I went to therapy several times throughout my childhood, usually for short stints. It was reassuring to know that if I needed someone to talk to, my parents would provide me with someone well trained and impartial.

During the custody dispute my parents had when I was seven, my dad and step-mom sent me to group therapy for kids going through divorce. It was called “Kids in the Middle” and I loved going! It was nice to know that I wasn’t alone and that other kids were experiencing similar difficulties.

So, if you’re co-parenting with an ex, I hope this information is helpful and I’d be happy to share more about my experiences growing up with divorced parents. All you have to do is ask!

I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend and can you believe it’s almost December already?!

Warm hugs and love, Shelly

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Overflowing with Gratitude

I just got off the phone with a client and I’m feeling so much inspiration and gratitude. I’m grateful that I get to support people to live the lives they’re most inspired to live. I’m grateful I can make an impact on one person and that impact can ripple out in beautiful and unexpected ways. And I’m grateful that I can be moved and impacted in return. Wow. My life is such a blessing.

As I sit here looking out my office window I see a tree with a few yellow leaves still hanging on, trying desperately to survive for another day. I’m so grateful to be healthy and alive! I see my hot tub, what a source of joy and relaxation. I’m so comfortable inside my centrally heated home under electric lights that work. I’m sitting here sipping hot tea and typing on a truly incredibly piece of hardware, (fyi, my wonderful husband who I adore sometimes calls my MacBook Air my boyfriend).

And I get to share my innermost thoughts with you! I am so incredibly grateful to you for reading this right now. Your presence in my life inspires me to continue to share myself honestly, openly, and fearlessly. When you listen, you provide a space where I can share. And when you share, I get to listen. It’s a win-win!

I’m about to go pick up a pie that I didn’t have to bake myself, all I had to do was make a phone call and the woman on the other end of the line said, “We’ll have it ready for you!” What a marvel!

I can hear my cat meowing, which usually annoys me, but right now it sounds like music and warm snuggles, and companionship. I can hear my mom in the next room playing with my daughter. Two of the people I adore most in the world, and they’re having so much fun together!

When I think of my family, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. There are so many people who love me, care for and about me, and support me in so many ways. My husband is incredible, my parents are awesome, and lucky me, I even adore my in-laws!

The client I just spoke to recently finished his yearly drive to deliver Thanksgiving dinners to families in need. They delivered turkeys and fixings to 519 families this year. And each and every family received the surprise delivery from another real live family who personally brought the food to their door and handed it to them. The human connection as he described the process was beautifully palpable.

Earlier today I spoke to someone who does relief work in Africa and helps manage millions of dollars in aid every year. My life is filled with incredible people do amazing and meaningful work in the world.

Just yesterday I spoke with a friend who cares for her son all day every day. I am constantly in awe of the moms who can do that day in and day out. Being a mother is a huge service already, but being a stay at home parent who’s a primary care giver for a child is just incredibly beautiful. If you do that job, my hat is off to you. You’re making a huge difference in the life of your child.

And then there are the working moms, who work all day to support their families and then come home and still care for their puking, feverish children all night long, only to head back to work the next day. Um, can I please give you some sort of medal or something?

Everywhere I look there are countless reasons to be grateful and to appreciate, and to be inspired to be and do even more. I want to grow and build and care even more when I connect with you. Thank you!

Whether you’ve done something small like clicking like on one of my facebook posts or something big like purchasing ongoing coaching from me, your participation in our community makes a difference.

And not just here either, the friend you talked to last week who was struggling, or the kind word you offered to someone at the grocery store while their child was melting down, or the ex-husband that you shared your children with over the weekend. They all benefit from your generosity and compassion.

And though you may not know all of the ways that your kindness branches out and grows, let me assure you, it does. When you share love, it blossoms and grows, in small ways and in large ways, impacting a single person or perhaps thousands, even millions of people.

Thank you for helping me share my love and thank you for sharing yours. Together, I do believe we’re changing things for the better. And I’m having a lot more fun doing it with you than I ever could all by myself.

Love, hugs, and Happy Thanksgiving, Shelly

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Fostering Gratitude

My daughter’s favorite phrase lately seems to be, “I want I want I want…” and then she fills in the blank with whatever she happens to want in that particular moment. We’ve been working on asking nicely, which she does beautifully when prompted. And, with Thanksgiving approaching I’ve been thinking about the relationship between desire and gratitude.

In my experience, desire is somewhat uncomfortable and exciting and if my desire goes unfulfilled it can reach a point of frenzy. Gratitude on the other hand is calming, heart centered, and incredibly fulfilling in and of itself.

So, when I find myself stuck in a cycle of desire, I can often find a peaceful way out by consciously practicing gratitude. And I deeply want Julia to develop this useful skill.

For the next couple of weeks when she starts in with her refrain, “I want I want I want…” I think I’ll respond by sharing something I’m grateful for, instead of prompting her to ask nicely. “I’m so grateful we get to spend this time together!” or “I’m glad we have lovely healthy food to eat.” And then I’ll ask, “What are you grateful for?”

Sure, we’ll practice this on Thanksgiving, but why not start early and continue through the end of the month? In fact, why take a break from gratitude at all?

There are bunches of studies from positive psychology and happiness research that show that gratitude increases quality of life. Here’s a list of some peer reviewed studies from 2006-2011 if you’re interested in learning more about the current research.

The point is that gratitude and appreciation are emotions that benefit us and the people around us. And what’s the best way to teach this wonderful skill to our children? Why, to practice it regularly ourselves, of course!

How do you practice gratitude on a daily and weekly basis? Do you have rituals around food, like saying grace? Do you recount favorite moments of each day at bedtime? Do you have family meeting where each person gets a chance to appreciate the other members of the family?

If none of these sound familiar, maybe it’s time to implement a gratitude practice into your life! Even something as simple as keeping a gratitude journal that you write in daily can improve your happiness and wellbeing. And even if you don’t formally adopt a practice WITH the kids, your own daily practice will still positively impact your family.

The holidays are a wonderful time to practice being grateful for what we have, and they’re also a good time to give to others. Sometimes I find that it’s easier to be grateful for the abundance in my life when I spend time with people who are less fortunate. It’s very easy to take things for granted when everyone around us has things like hot running water and cars to drive.

But when we volunteer at a local soup kitchen, it feels really good to give back AND it reminds us how fortunate we are. Really, having hot running water and a roof over our heads is quite a miracle.

So, what are you most grateful for today? And how might you implement a gratitude practice with your kids? Or do you already have one that you’d like to share? I love hearing from you!

Have a wonderful week, Shelly

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“I don’t need you anymore.”

Last week I was absentmindedly helping Julia put on her shoes when she pushed my hand away and said, “I don’t need you anymore.” Initially I was shocked (she’s 2!), and then I felt hurt. Then I understood that she didn’t mean that she will never need me for anything ever again.

Afterward I thought about how silly it is that such a small sentence could send me into an emotional tailspin, especially when it came out of the mouth of a two year old. I mean, I’m supposed to be the adult and she’s the child!

But that’s parenthood, right? Maintaining composure with friends, colleagues, co-workers and other family members is a breeze compared to keeping our center when our beloved child says something unexpectedly hurtful. We know they don’t INTEND to be hurtful, and even if they do, it’s just their way of exploring boundaries and understanding emotional experiences.

I know that by maintaining composure and sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings from a grounded place, I can help my daughter develop empathy and become more emotionally intelligent.

But it hurts like hell to have your child say something like, “I hate you,” or “Go away, don’t touch me!” So how can we maintain calm composure when our children are spewing their most powerful poison at us?

First we have to remember that they are children. That doesn’t mean that their words are meaningless or that we shouldn’t take them seriously. It means that they aren’t fully aware of the effect their words can have yet and they’re still exploring concepts of power, empathy, and their impact on others.

The problem with breaking down in the face of our children’s attempts to explore their power is that it can actually be scary for them to realize that they can cause emotional upset in us. What children most want is a strong and compassionate parent who can hear the message underneath their hurtful words.

So, next we could translate their words into the underlying feelings and needs they’re trying to express. For instance, when Julia said, “I don’t need you anymore.” I could have thought, “Oh, she’s feeling frustrated because she needs autonomy and accomplishment.” What a difference a little bit of interpretation can make!

Or if a child is saying, “I hate you! Go away!” they may need reassurance that we love them no matter what. They could also need some space, but many times when children push us away with their irritating, or hurtful behavior it’s precisely because they’re testing our resolve to stay and love them no matter what they say or do. If I were able to stay composed in this scenario I might say something like, “I hear you. It sounds like you’re feeling angry, and that’s OK. I love you no matter what and I’m going to stay right here in case you need a hug.”

On the other hand, if I sense that a child really does just want some alone time, I’m happy to offer that too. It’s really just a matter of interpreting what we think the underlying feelings and needs probably are in this particular instance.

Think back to a time in the past few weeks when you’ve lost your cool with your kiddos. Can you identify their underlying feelings and needs? Can you identify your own? How might you have handled the situation differently if you were able to maintain relaxed composure?

I do think it’s important to process emotional content after the heat of the emotion has passed. During an upset, no one is able to learn from the experience. But afterward, by playing games, getting curious, and doing some role-play, we can often turn the most upsetting experiences into opportunities to learn and grow.

I would love to hear about your own moments of emotional turmoil when something unexpected comes out of your child’s mouth. Please share your story with us by leaving a comment below!

And have a lovely week, Shelly

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