Author: Shelly

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Learning is NOT Linear: The Ebb and Flow of Learning & Growing, Retreating & Regressing

When I first began studying child development I thought things happened in a pretty linear fashion. First you learn to crawl, then you walk, after that you learn to talk and so on. And if you study information about ages and stages, you can come to the same misinformed conclusion.

But after 20 years of experience with young people, I can tell you for certain, learning is not linear. Children might learn and grow in one area and retreat and regress in another and they can do it all at the very same time. When we forget about the non-linear life experience of learning and growing, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we have unrealistic expectations of our children.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the complete exasperation of staring at your child who could tie her shoes yesterday, but is in a teary puddle on the floor today. Or you’ve seen your toddler go in and out of diapers over the past year. Or maybe you’ve seen your baby feed himself successfully a total of one time.

We tend to get so excited about the developmental milestones that we sometimes forget that there’s an actual person reaching for them. And a person is a hugely complex individual. Lots of factors can impact learning and growth, not the least of which is stress. Unfortunately, children today are experiencing far more chronic stress than our biology has been required to deal with in times past.

I recently read a longitudinal study (I can’t remember exactly where) that showed that when people had grown up in an urban environment, they had more stress hormones in their system as adults when compared with children who grew up in a more rural setting. The conclusion of the study was that the stress of our childhood directly impacts our lifelong release of stress hormones.

Now I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip of you’re raising your kids in an urban environment. There are plenty of benefits to an urban lifestyle. But my point is that children are multidimensional and things like stress can greatly impact learning.

For a child, even a change of routine can be enough to trigger a regression of some kind. And then there are the regressions that seem to come out of nowhere and which we can’t seem to tie to any particular event or experience. The thing is, children are just doing their best to learn and grow in every moment, and sometimes that looks like retreating or regressing into a safer, more familiar experience, like wearing diapers, or baby talk.

OK, so why am I writing about this today? Well, I’ve been working toward night weaning my daughter and it has been a bit of a rocky road. I say working toward because I have been resolving to night wean and then changing my mind for the past month. I know she’s not a fan of the weaning plan and she lets me know that repeatedly and loudly. But I also know that I’ll be a happier mom when I can get a full night’s sleep in bed with my wonderful husband, rather than co-sleeping with my daughter and nursing all night long. And lately it has literally been ALL NIGHT LONG. I’m exhausted.

Meanwhile, my daughter has been learning to read (whoa!) and learning geography at a level I would expect of a six or seven year old. But she still wants to nurse about ten times a day (and all through the night). So, that’s why I needed the reminder that even as a child excels in one area, he might need a little bit of extra time, attention, snuggles and care in some other areas.

And if you think I’m kidding about the geography, here’s a video we recorded to prove her abilities to my brother:

Have you noticed the non-linear nature of learning? How does this show up at your house? I would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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“Back Off!” Empowering Young People to Claim Their Personal Space

Most of the stuff I write about is focused on peace, love, and compassion, but there’s a point where the best defense really is a good offense. Several weeks ago my daughter was at the library and a bigger kid ran over to her and pushed her down. His mother apologized profusely, Julia was dazed and confused, and I was left wondering, “How could I have prevented this?”

My daughter is often quiet and reserved, especially when she’s in a large group or if she’s feeling overwhelmed. And the library is usually teeming with both kids and adults when we go there for story time. So I thought about how I could empower her to stand up for herself in the face of a larger child intent on pushing, hitting, or biting her.

And then I remembered what we do when our dogs get into her face and she doesn’t like it. We say, “Back off Zoe!” or “Back off Jasper!” We had recently expanded to include our four chickens in this practice because Julia was getting scared of their pecking. So I taught her to move forward, put her hand out, and say “Back off chickens!” And it works! The animals really respond to her.

So I decided we would use this same phrasing with people who are moving toward us aggressively. When we feel afraid, we put out our hand and say “Back off!” Sure enough, after a couple of weeks of practice with the animals, my daughter was at the library with her Grammy when a larger child came toward her quickly with a puppet aimed at her face. Julia immediately put her hand out and forcefully said “Back off!” to the boy with the puppet. My mother-in-law said that all the adults were left with their mouths hanging open and the boy was just as surprised as everyone else was. He did back off and went to play elsewhere.

When I heard the story my heart swelled and I felt so proud. I am so happy to know that my daughter can protect herself from harm even though she’s not yet two years old. Although I hope she rarely has to use this skill, I think it’s an essential one for all children. To be empowered to protect oneself from harm could mean the difference between being bullied or victimized and not. Learning to powerfully say things like “Stop! No! Stay back! Don’t touch my body!” can alert others to a potential threat and often will cause predators to move on, rather than be noticed.

So how do you talk to your kids about personal space and protecting themselves from danger? Do they know what to say and do when they feel afraid? I would love to hear your story so please leave a comment below.
And have a wonderful day. Warm hugs, Shelly

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Our new favorite geography game

Here’s a video of my daughter playing the new geography game  we invented:

A few months ago I found this National Geographic world map and decided to glue it to a foam board to see if my daughter was interested in learning the continents.

 

Then, on our recent airplane trips we brought a small ball/globe and she started to show a real interest in geography, learning the names and locations of several countries.

 

When we got home we started to play a new game with the world map. We put her toy animals on their countries of origin. She loves it!

 

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Taking a Tantrum as a Compliment?

OK, I know it sounds strange, but when my daughter has a meltdown I really do take it as a compliment. Her tears and upset are so rare, partly because she’s just an easy-going person and partly because she trusts all her caretakers to listen to her and work to help her meet her needs. But there are times when she’s just too tired, or too hungry to stave off the tears and then she cries, throws herself down, throws whatever is within her reach, and pushes large objects around.

After we returned from a recent trip to visit my family, Julia was just a bit unglued and prone to crying and tantrums for a couple of days while she readjusted to being home. At first I was annoyed. I kept thinking, “Why is she acting like this? Why can’t she just listen? What can I do to get her to stop?” But every time I approached her with that attitude, the tantrums just increased in severity.

And then I remembered something I had learned years ago from Hand in Hand Parenting. When a child has a meltdown with me, it’s actually a compliment. It means that the child trusts me enough to be at her worst. It means that she doesn’t feel she has to act a certain way in order to be loved. She knows that she is unconditionally loved and so she can release her feelings safely!

After I remembered to take her tantrums as a compliment everything changed. I would breathe, relax and sit down on the floor near my daughter. Although I was prepared to listen to her feelings for as long as she needed, her crying and upset usually didn’t last very long. And it wasn’t as loud. She also stopped throwing and pushing things. Instead, she would often just come over to me for a hug or sit in my lap. “I hear you.” I would say. “You’re really upset about that and you’re wishing things were different, huh? Well, you can tell me all about it and I will sit here and listen to you.” Usually after a few words, some grunting or a few more minutes of crying, she was finished and ready to play happily again.

I am constantly surprised by how quickly children are able to switch gears from upset to joy (and back again). It’s really quite remarkable how completely they are able to let go into their current emotional state. I sometimes long for that freedom of emotional expression.

Now I’m not saying that your child will react in exactly the same way my daughter does. But I’m certain that my own ability to relax and enjoy her even as she is about to completely freak out helps her process her emotions more efficiently. She knows she has my attention and love, so she doesn’t need to escalate her efforts to be heard and understood.

Have you found this to be true at your house? Do tantrums decrease in frequency and severity when you’re able to calmly listen and reflect your child’s feelings back? Or is there something that keeps you from being able to do that? I would love to hear about your successes and challenges with handling tantrums. Please tell me all about it!

And have a fantastic week, Shelly

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Testing the waters: How setting boundaries builds trust

I was on a family vacation to Hawaii last week (Happy Mother’s Day to me!) and we had a wonderful time. About half way through our trip we were in the kiddie pool and J was feeling hesitant at first. She wasn’t so sure that the water was such a fun place to be until two young boys started splashing, playing and having a great time. And then she was convinced. The boys’ parents were in the adjacent pool with a young baby and they kept calling out to the boys to settle down, stop splashing, and be nice. But I didn’t see anything at all wrong with the way the boys were behaving. They were just having fun and playing!

At one point one of the boys got brave enough to approach me and proceeded to put some sand on my arm. I could tell that he wasn’t sure how I’d react, but I just wanted to play, so I said “Hey! You put sand on my arm! Oh no! But watch this.” And then I slipped my arm under the water and washed off the sand. After that, he knew that we were playing a really fun game so he put more sand on my arm and I washed it off again. All the time I was encouraging him because I knew that if things got out of hand I could easily set a clear boundary. But I kept checking in with his parents through eye contact and it seemed to me that most of their remunerations were attempts to make sure that I was safe and comfortable.

The boys were just ecstatic to have an adult who would play with them and we splashed and swam and I got very excited about the big splashes they made. All the time their parents kept calling out to them not to splash too much, but I ask you, exactly how much splashing is “too much” splashing when you’re in a swimming pool? I got the distinct feeling that the parents were trying to reign in their boys because they were worried that I might feel overwhelmed. I tried to reassure them that I was in my element.

After about ten minutes of rowdy play one of the boys ran over to me and scratched my arm. I stopped him immediately by lightly touching his elbow to get his attention. Then I looked into his eyes and told him that scratching people is NOT OK, it hurt my body when he scratched me and I didn’t want him to scratch anyone again. He understood me perfectly and we continued to play for another ten minutes with no more scratching. In fact, there wasn’t any more boundary testing of any kind, after the scratching incident. I think he just needed to know exactly how far he could go, and whether I was a really fun pushover or an adult he could trust and with whom he could relax.

Besides tuning into a child’s needs and being willing to help them get their needs met, I think that setting clear and consistent boundaries is the best way to build trust with a child. It makes sense, right? If a child feels he is in charge he can never fully relax and know that he will be taken care of. On the other hand, if a child knows that there is a clear line that must not be crossed, he can play and have tons of fun within the bounds of our rules and agreements, always knowing that I will hold the line when needed. As the adult in the situation, I see this as a special part of my role in facilitating fun and joy with children.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve had as I’ve learned to set clear and consistent boundaries with children is to do so without malice. I used to get all worked up and take it personally when a child tested me or broke a rule. Unfortunately for both of us, my emotional charge only further escalated things and let the child know that I wasn’t to be trusted because I wasn’t able to hold the boundary with love.

After about twenty years of practice, I’m now able to set and maintain a boundary with a child AND be loving and kind in the process. I wasn’t angry with the boy for scratching me. I simply let him know that that behavior was unacceptable and wouldn’t be tolerated. And I did so without a bunch of negative emotional charge. After that, we both understood one another, we knew where the boundaries were, and he was easily able to play with me within the bounds of my rules.

So the next time you notice your child testing your boundaries, remember that the best thing you can do is to maintain clarity about your rules and hold fast to them with love and compassion for your child. That doesn’t mean you can’t revise a rule that no longer applies or doesn’t seem to be working for anyone. But your children need to know that you will consider their input, but that ultimately you will make a decision about what the rules are and you’ll maintain the rules and boundaries for everyone’s well-being.

How does this work at your house? Do you notice a difference between the times when you’re able to maintain emotional composure while setting boundaries versus the times when you “lose it.” Do you agree with my assertion that children will trust you more when you’re able to set clear boundaries? I would love to know your thoughts. Please share them in the comments below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

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