with Shelly Birger Phillips
Inexpensive Book Display- I’ve never liked using this for files in my office, so now I use it as a small book shelf and display in the bathroom.
My daughter looks at books happily while I shower because they are so nicely displayed!
Compared to front displaying bookcases, this is a very inexpensive option that still engages interest by featuring the covers of picture books.
Kitchen drawer 1:
Kitchen drawer 2:
Photo by Suzette Hibble www.thebayareaphotographer.
Some of the recent research on the psychology of children is showing that saying things like, “You’re so smart! Good job! And He’s so cute!” can actually harm a child’s emerging sense of self-confidence. Apparently when we tell a child she’s smart because she got an A on her report card, she automatically associates the two and begins to think that if she doesn’t get an A, she’ll no longer be considered “smart.”
In an effort to encourage more internal motivation and less dependence on external validation, researchers and other experts are recommending that we remove this kind of empty praise from our vocabulary with our kids.
So now, whenever I say “good job!” to my daughter I immediately suck in my breath and think, “Oh no! I’ve said it. I just totally screwed up my kid.” Granted, that’s probably not the most useful thought, but there you have it
Then there’s the fact that our children are like a mirror that reflects just a little bit too well. When I hear things come out of my daughter’s mouth, it’s clear that she learned them at home (or pretty close to home). So then I begin to listen to what comes out of my mouth even more carefully and I’m almost always surprised at what I discover.
So now I’m left wondering what IS OK and how I can foster the language (in myself, my family and the larger community) that will most serve my child. The practice that jumps to mind is the practice of acknowledgment.
When we acknowledge one another we’re not just labeling each other as “good” or “smart” or “cute;” instead we are sharing our feelings, our experiences, and the impact that another person has had on us. I’ve written about acknowledgment before here: https://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/loving-ourselves-acknowledging-gifts/ So check that out if you’d like a specific structure to follow.
I also think it’s always OK to say “Thank you” as long as we really mean it. But watch out for anything you’re saying that isn’t exactly what you mean. It’s easy to get into a habit of saying something only to reflect upon it later and realize that what you’ve been saying is no longer true! And things like “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” can lose their meaning and become simply “the polite thing to say.”
So this week is all about examining the language we use with our children (and with everyone else) to see if there are things we’ve been saying that aren’t serving us or those we love. Do we over-do empty praise? Have we gotten so focused on telling people what’s wrong that we’ve forgotten to acknowledge their efforts? Are we just going through the motions of being polite without really expressing the heartfelt sentiments? Or is there another way that your language doesn’t truly express what you’re intending? And, what would you RATHER be saying?
I’ve recently realized that I sometimes say, “No, no, no!” so this week I’m committing to removing the frantic and repeated “nos” from my vocabulary. I think I’ll replace them with, “Stop!” I’m curious, what have you noticed about your language that you’re ready to change?
Thanks so much for being a part of this community! I appreciate you.
Big hugs, Shelly
I’ve worked for YEARS to grow as a person, to understand myself, my emotions, and my reactions to the things that happen to me. I know how to understand and express my emotions responsibly, resolve conflicts, and use positive redirection to help my child thrive. But that doesn’t make me perfect and it certainly doesn’t stop all the crazy thoughts my mind decides to think.
I think every parent fantasizes about harming his or her child at one point or another. If you say you haven’t, I don’t believe you for a minute. Maybe it’s just a fleeing thought of pinching them, or a long consideration about spanking them, “for their own good.” Perhaps it’s a thought about smothering their cries or a morbid image of tossing them out of a moving car. Of course we would never DO these things. But that doesn’t mean we don’t think about it.
When my daughter was just a few months old and I was deep in the thick of sleep deprivation I was trying to rock her to sleep one night and she was screaming her sweet little head off. She was dry and fed and swaddled comfortably but she was over tired and she couldn’t settle herself down. I was exhausted and drained and didn’t have another ounce of love to give, or so I thought.
I began to sing rock-a-bye baby. As I was singing I suddenly understood the appeal of the dark sentiment of the song. Imagining my screaming baby falling out of a tree was a way for me to focus the frustration forming in my mind without lashing out at the helpless little being I was holding.
So I took it one step further. I began to sing my own words, expressing a little bit of my angst by singing about how and why she should stop crying and go the f to sleep. And then it happened. I imagined getting up, walking out of the room, taking my little baby out the front door of our house, putting her into the snow and leaving her there. I thought about how long it would take for her cries to cease and I relished the imaginary peace of a frozen sleeping baby that would never awake and cry again.
And then I thought, “WHOA! I just imagined killing my baby. And I liked it. And now I’m sort of horrified. But I also understand that it was just the fantasy of a sleep-deprived mind.”
Before that moment there was no way I could understand how anyone could harm a baby. And I still can’t really. I would never harm my child. But I do understand the urge to shut her up one way or another, especially when I’m drained and sleep deprived myself.
It’s scary to write this and put it on the Internet for all to see. It feels like an incredibly vulnerable thing to admit. I’m worried that someone will take my words and twist them and try to take my baby away. But I also feel brave and I trust that most of you will understand. And I think there might be someone out there who was thinking that there are “perfect” parents who exist who never have hurtful thoughts or feelings toward their children. And I want that struggling single mom or that angry dad to know they’re not alone and NOBODY is a perfect parent. Even the best parents have dark thoughts and feelings sometimes.
I guess I wrote all this down just to remind you that we’re all human and we’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Sometimes we do things exactly the way we wanted to. Other times, the best we can do is to rock our sweet babies to sleep while imagining their demise.
Have you ever had the kinds of dark thoughts I’ve described here? I would love to know that I’m not the only one! Please share your story with us in the comments below.
And, if you have these kinds of dark thoughts frequently, please seek professional help. Postpartum depression can be a serious condition that can worsen over time without support. Asking for help is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your child if these kinds of hurtful or scary thoughts keep popping up and you’re not sure what to do about them. Just remember, you are not alone and it’s OK to ask for help. If you need immediate help, call 1-800-SUICIDE any time of day or night.
And have a good week. Love, Shelly
I wish every public restroom had a child sized toilet. I want small tables and chairs that fit my daughter’s body in public spaces. I hope we are moving toward accepting, celebrating, and accommodating the small-bodied humans that make up a substantial portion of our population. But I’m tired of restaurants advertising themselves as “family friendly” just because they provide a high chair and the waiters won’t glare at me if my child accidentally drops food on the floor.
When I think of the words “family friendly” I imagine a place where parents and children are welcomed joyfully. I envision a place with activities that meet my interests AND the interests of my young child. And it’s a place where we all help each other out. To me “family friendly” means accessible, accepting, and even supportive of my whole family.
I want MOST of the world to be family friendly. And maybe more of it really is than I realize. But here in America, the land of the free, my child is stuck staring at knees, being put into carts and chairs she can’t climb into on her own, and unable to sit on a toilet that doesn’t threaten to swallow her whole.
Needless to say, I’m upset by all this.
That’s not to say there isn’t hope though. I have seen child-sized toilets in exactly two public places in the past ten years. More and more parks and play spaces are sprouting up. But again, I wonder, why does “child-friendly” have to mean big plastic wheels that spin with no apparent purpose?
When I was little I can remember using a water pump, you know, the metal kind that you have to pump up and down a bunch of times before any water comes out. My friends and I loved to work the handle up and down, up and down, and then to catch the water in buckets ready for the deluge that we knew was coming. We needed the water to add to the sand so we could build sandcastles or maybe we used some of it to water flowers that were wilting in the summer heat.
So when I envision child friendly spaces in public places, they’re not just a bunch of toys. Instead, I imagine beautiful wooden furniture, access to books, art materials, puppets, costumes, and the means to clean up any messes they might choose to make. I see children working together at a task that is meaningful for them. Or else feeling so free and comfortable that they can completely lose themselves in pretend play.
Last weekend my husband and I took our daughter to the High Desert Museum. They have a homesteader’s cabin and ranch from 1904 and every week there are volunteers dressed up in period dress sharing information about what life was like in the early 1900’s. There are all sorts of fun things for children to do there, but there was one little girl having the most fun of all. Can you guess what she was doing?
She was sweeping the porch with a child-sized broom. She tried a few different brooms until she found the one she liked the best, and for the next twenty minutes while we were meandering around, watching the chickens, and looking at the ranch hand’s quarters, she happily swept every inch of that porch.
Now that’s what I’d call “family friendly.”
Do you think public spaces are child and family friendly? What is your vision for the future of our public space? Please leave me a comment!
And have a wonderful week! Warmly, Shelly