Shelly – Page 23 – Awake Parent

March 21, 2012March 21, 2012

Sometimes what kids need most from us is nothing at all

I think one of the most challenging lessons I’ve learned as a teacher and as a parent is when NOT to intervene. It is actually excruciating for me to hear a child struggling and not rush over to help. But sometimes doing nothing is actually the best thing we can do for a child. When we sit back, shut up, and allow our children to experience their struggle fully, they also get to experience the joy of conquest and the knowledge that they can rely on themselves to work through a challenge.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m not suggesting we allow our children to experience constant struggle. Emotional upset is counterproductive to learning overall. However, there are moments when we all rush in too quickly, offer too much coaching, or otherwise deflate the attempts our children are making to learn something new.

It’s human nature to want to help a younger, smaller, struggling human. But what message are we sending when we constantly intervene on behalf of our children?

Rushing out the door, we put the coat on our child because it’s faster than waiting for him to do it himself. We feed our toddlers by spoon because “she eats more this way.” We help an older with his homework so that we can all enjoy pizza and a movie together.

And the underlying message our kids are receiving is, “You aren’t able to do it yourself. You need my (older and more capable) help. And struggling is not OK.” And then we wonder why our kids eventually stop trying to excel and just do the bare minimum that’s required of them.

I think that the message that children are incapable is being ingrained in them from infancy. On the contrary, the infant’s brain is arguably the most intelligent thing on Earth. Even tiny infants are capable of incredible feats of deduction, learning and memory. They just have a hard time moving their bodies and communicating verbally.

But as soon as we see them as the intelligent and capable beings they truly are, it’s actually quite amazing how much they really CAN communicate. And, by the time they are walking and talking, children are capable of all sorts of interesting and helpful tasks when given the opportunity to learn and perform those tasks.

OK, so let’s say we’re all on the same page here and we agree that even very young children are incredibly intelligent and capable. Now what? Now, it’s our job to bring more awareness to whether, when, and how we step in to support their learning. Offering our unsolicited fear as in, “Wait! Stop! Don’t do that! You might fall/spill/trip” is NOT helpful. Neither is too much verbal information ABOUT the given task. Instead, what children need is a safe place to EXPERIENCE and EXPERIMENT with the things they’re inspired to learn about.

Here’s a video of my daughter playing with her new farm toy. As you’ll see, she gets frustrated, but I don’t say or do anything. In fact, when I see her turn her head toward me (later in the video) I avert my eyes so as not to disrupt her play with eye contact.

Here are my top five rules for how to support my daughter in her quest for autonomy:

1) If she’s frustrated, take a breath, relax my body and if the frustration continues remind her to ask for help when she needs it. “I’m available to help you if you need me.” There’s a “but I trust you can do it on your own” attitude inherent in my tone of voice.

2) Bite my tongue when I have advice, suggestions, or negative feedback about how she’s doing a new task. Remain neutral if there’s something that MUST be communicated. For instance “I see some water spilled here,” with a flat tone of voice.

3) Offer LOTS of opportunities for new activities. Notice which ones she gravitates toward and consider other similar activities. When she’s engaged in an activity, DON’T INTERRUPT with words, actions, or eye contact.

4) Remember that all messes can eventually be cleaned up. Don’t cry (or yell or roll my eyes) over spilled milk (or paint, or mud, or broken eggs)

5) Invite her to do it. Show her how to do it. And invite her to do it again.

I’m so curious how you handle this at your house. Do you feel you intervene too much or too little? And what are your rules to support your child’s exploration and learning?

I hope you’re having a fantastic week. Warm hugs, Shelly

March 15, 2012October 7, 2012

New Shelves!

My dad came to visit last weekend and we whipped together these new shelves for all of Julia’s Montessori work. She loves seeing her activities so beautifully displayed and we built these shelves with minimal tools. Success!

March 14, 2012

Why Family Rituals Create Confident Kids

Have you ever noticed how young children like to do things the same way day after day? Let’s say you just happened to make a joke at the beginning of lunch one day, so they remind you of the joke every day for the next two weeks. Sound familiar? Or, you cut the crust off of their bread once, so now they MUST have their crust cut off every time.

It can be maddening, but it is also deeply linked to how a young child learns. Repetition is absolutely crucial to learning. So the desire to re-enact daily and weekly rituals is one way that children make sure they’re really “getting it.”

We all have daily and weekly rituals whether they are consciously created or unconsciously enacted. There is a certain way we do things. So this week is all about bringing more mindfulness to the rituals we have and to the ones we’d like to create with our children.

For example, at the beginning of every meal (or snack) I ask my daughter to climb up into her seat by herself and then I buckle her in. At the end of the meal I wipe off her hands and face with a wet cloth and then hand it to her. She proceeds to wipe off the table and then removes her bib and places it on the table. After the table is clean and the bib is off, I unbuckle her and she climbs down.

This is a ritual that is still evolving. But eventually she will set the table with a placemat, dishes, utensils, and a napkin before a meal and she will clean up afterward by placing dishes in a “dirty dish” bin and putting her used napkin in the hamper to be washed.

You might have a ritual around bedtime and/or bath time or even play time. Part of your ritual might involve incantations like when we say “It’s pajama time…Oh yeah!” every night before bed. Or when we sing the “clean up” song when it’s time to pick up our toys. The point is not that we adopt the same rituals, in fact, doing so would probably reduce the value of our family rituals. The point is that there is a certain way that WE in OUR family do things. It’s unique to us. It’s co-created by all of us and it makes us smile when we think about it.

I can still remember a ritual my mom and I used to have before I would go to bed at night. We would play some little games, read some books, and then just before it was lights out we would race to say, “Ready…set…go! Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, sweet dreams, I love you, I beat you!” It was our own personal before bed tongue twister and we both really enjoyed it. You can tell I really loved it because I STILL remember it all these years later.

By creating and practicing this kind of mindful repetition, you’re giving your child a deep sense of security. Children really love to know what to expect so that they can fully participate in life and learning.

So what are the rituals in your family? Are there any that you’d like to transform? Or add to? Are there some that might be missing that you can create together?

I would love to know about your special rituals and how you practice them. Please share your story with us all! Warm hugs, Shelly

March 7, 2012March 7, 2012

What To Do When Toddlers Throw

Toddlers love to throw things, and why not? Throwing is fun and in our evolutionary past it was a crucial skill for young hunters to develop. Unfortunately for us, this urge to throw often comes out at the worst possible times and with the most breakable or dangerous items around. It also often happens when a child is frustrated, so it can be difficult to know how to respond. So what can you do if you have a toddler or young child who loves to throw things?

Redirection is the key to avoiding injuries to you and your child during the development and practice of throwing. Here’s what I say when Julia throws something inappropriate. “Ut oh, books (hard plastic toys or animals, forks, dishes, etc.) are NOT for throwing. If you’d like to throw something, let’s go get a ball or a beanbag!” to which she will often respond by happily running over to her basket full of balls, choose one, and throw it.

Granted, she is only 19 months old and isn’t very good at throwing yet. And, we don’t have a “no throwing balls in the house” rule…yet. But what about your three or four year old boy who is REALLY good at throwing and you DO have a “no balls in the house” rule. Then I’d find some indoor throwing activity to redirect toward. You might invite him to throw his stuffed animals against the wall in his bedroom or offer him some beanbags and a box or basket to throw them into.

One of the reasons this redirection works for me is because I am completely supportive of a child’s desire to throw something. In fact, I think that throwing things is a beautifully healthy way to release frustration or anger, as long as the activity is safe for everyone and everything involved. Have you ever angrily thrown rocks into a lake? Then you know what I mean. It’s a movement that feels REALLY good.

So if you’d like to use this strategy, first examine your thoughts or beliefs about throwing. Is it actually OK with you? If your first thought is “no” then I invite you to get creative and come up with a situation in which throwing is actually OK with you. Perhaps it’s throwing crumpled paper into the trash or recycling can. Or maybe it’s throwing paper airplanes. It could be OK to throw lightweight puff-balls at a target on the wall. Or maybe it’s OK to go outside and throw a tennis ball. When you’ve discovered at least one throwing activity that works for you, that will be your initial redirect the next time your child attempts to throw something that isn’t OK to throw.

But do beware, having just one possibility for throwing is likely to create resistance in your child. It might work the first few times, but then your child will get bored and frustrated, feeling boxed in to only one way to express her frustration. Instead, I’d recommend coming up with two or three ways for your kids to express their frustration through throwing and then offer them choices when they are about to engage in a throwing activity that is not allowed.

I would love to hear some other ideas and strategies for how you’ve handled inappropriate throwing with your kids. Please share a story or comment below!

And have a wonderful week! Warm hugs, Shelly

March 5, 2012October 7, 2012

First Montessori Cloth Washing Activity

I just used a plastic dish bin with about 2 inches of warm soapy water and this great child-sized washing board from Montessori Services I also got her smock there. We put a towel down on the floor in case of spills. My daughter happily scrubbed away at these dirty rags and when she was finished washing we hung them on a drying rack to dry. This was a fun and easy activity!